So my husband comes home from work (he got a job with his parents) and apparently he had a bad day. I spent the day learning how to make Onigiri (Japanese rice balls) granted it didn’t take me long but still. I made some for him because I know manual labor is hard and I wanted him to know he’s loved. He comes in and starts throwing off his clothes angrily (he was going to take a shower) and I made the mistake of asking what’s wrong. He yelled at me that he had a bad day and not to start in on him. I told him that I didnt cause it and not to treat me poorly. He got even more pissed and said I was fishing for a fight. I went upstairs and waited for a wihile. When I went back down to try and talk with him he plum ignores me. I didn’t do anything to deserve this and now if I don’t apologize to him for fishing for a fight he’s going to ignore me the rest of the night. He won’t even look at the stupid rice balls I spent an hour making. Why has my life come to this? Why can’t I leave? I would kill myself but my animals need me too much.
I made friends with this amazing guy 2 years ago, I can’t even understand how or why?! I am such a crappy person sometimes and he accepts me. When I say he accepts me I mean in every single way you can think of. He has seen me with no make up hair a mess, clothes a mess. He has put up with me even when I lash out at him because I’m angry. He’s seen all sides of me and still stays in my life, I’ve called him crying and he listens to me and gives me advice. Granted we had a set back in our friendship because of a major life event. But we have since moved past it and I feel such strong emotions. Every time we go anywhere he always pays for me even when I try to fight him to pay. He helps me with everything I ask him to help me with and I care so much for him and appreciate him. He is one of the best things that has happened to me in my life. I never thought I would ever meet someone like him he’s the positivity in my life. Even when you think there aren’t any good people left one shows up and proves otherwise…
Ghosts in the photograph
never lie’d to me.
I’d be all of that
I’d be all of that.
A false memory
would be everything.
A denial my eliminent.
What was that for?
What was that for?
What would you do
if you saw spaceships
Would you fear them?
is a wish that
What was that for?
What was that for?
Try to be bad.
Try to be bad.?
I can’t let go of the past. Who I am. What I’ve done. The thoughts I’ve had. The things I’ve seen, and felt. It is me. It’s how I make sense of the world. If I could just wipe the slate clean – go off and be a happy, functional person. But there are reasons why I am where I am. A person can’t exist without a past – an explanation of why they are how they are. Maybe if I got amnesia – or could change my memory somehow. Convince myself that I’m not here because I’m screwed up beyond all belief, but because some tragedy befell me that was in no way my fault. That I’m a positive, happy, confident, upbeat person, with all of the normal life experiences one takes for granted. Go off and be happy.
But even if I could do that, it wouldn’t be me. It would be someone else, using my body. I am my sickness. I’ve been screwed up too long, and now I identify with my neurosis. This is me. And I hate it. And I want it to stop. But I can’t let go. I can’t just forget. It’s not something I can overcome.
So fuck it.
A year ago, when I bought my burial plot and put a deposit on my tombstone, I was certain that I was doing the right thing. I only asked God to grant me one thing, and vowed that afterwards I would be willing to carry out my end of the bargain. I was granted the time I wished. Now, that time is over and I realize I no longer have that excuse. But although I already feel lifeless, I’ve discovered that I am too much of a coward to follow through. And, I also realize that God knew all along that I wouldn’t have the courage. Why then did I have to suffer so much loss and pain in the last 5 months? Do I have to (or be expected to) live with the shame of being a coward, and failing at even carrying out my vow? Or is it just another test to see if I can find the courage? If it is a test and I fail it, who else is going to pay the price?
I can’t help but want to scream when the memories of this day flash through my mind, as if they were not memories, but annoyed spirits. They fly around inside of my head, touching every aspect of my mind, looking for the slightest excuse to gain control and make my life a living hell. They seem to be a sentient thing, a personality outside, and yet within, myself. Made specifically to destroy me, and gruesomely efficient at their work. Perhaps, if they truly are sentient, they enjoy their work, and that is where their almost deadly determination and efficiency originates from.
They hurt by reminding me of the moment where I crossed a line, it was no huge gesture or act, but simply taking for granted the privileges that had been given to me. One too many cutting remarks, normally forgotten, but now hold their place of infamy in my mind, sitting upon their dark pedestal. It could be argued that I have no reason to feel the shame and pain I do upon remembering this, but the objections are futile when the thoughts take control of me. I hope against this sea of hopelessness and darkness that my apologies and attempts at solving the issue are successful. Perhaps this hope is simply naievity within myself, a traitorous part of a mind already taught to misbehave. These feelings are amplified to the recentness of the events, along with the loss of what may have once been a budding friendship.
Wars behind the eyes that stare out so passively, so seemingly innocent. These have always been there, and took place in my mind before today’s events were even a possibility. Like any war, the causes are varied and diverse, but some can be seen through the murky waters of my troubled mind; heartache, caused by one too many lost loves, rapidly decreasing self-esteem, derived from a misunderstanding and misinterpretation of the norm, and doubt from all of my past failures and misadventures. Questions nobody should have to contemplate on such a consistent basis fly through my mind more times than I care to admit, or count. “Do I feel for her, or is it simply a lie from my treacherous heart? Does it matter if I want to live, as long I am alive? Do I truly stand alone in this unforgiving world?”
I just watched a Let’s Play of Nevermind and it was interesting. It’s a game that uses biofeedback and the developer(s) want to expand it so it can help people with stress and anxiety-related illness. The game got me thinking about “perfect worlds” but I know there is no such thing as a “perfect world.”Instead, I want to pose a different question to everyone… What is your definition of an imperfect, perfect utopia? My utopia is one where mental illness and disease didn’t exist. Granted people will die in it but it won’t be by one’s own hands or by a fatal disease… It would be by time where everyone goes in their sleep.
Hello, this is my first times me and I’m glad I found you. I can relate to so many people here after reading their post.
its 2:22am and its one of those nights where my pain won’t let me sleep and my mind is racing.
i recently left my job because I was taken for granted. I did so much there and it all went unnoticed. I am fincailly stuck! I attempted to open up a store on etsy making bday banners. To be honest I feel like it’s a completely waste of time. Nothing seems to go right, it takes me so long to do one thing that I end up needing to go to the store and buy more things.
I feel so lonely, “my best friend” takes sucide as a joke. He told me today that he’s tired of seeing me cry in front of my son and that he’s more important than me. I have begged him for help and he just puts a band aid on top of me. He thinks I’m ok but even when I try to tell him my life feels like it’s ending he thinks I’ll get over it.
i also have a bf who much rather be on fb or be with his friends. Things have changed so much and I had so man anxiety attacks because of how bad we argue. He doesn’t take anxiety or sucide seriously. Sometimes I just wish to really find a way to end my life so they can realize how much pain I was in.
i have tried everything, from praying, meditating, writing in my journal to comstently saying affirmations. When I find a little bit a hope to wake up happy and do it for my son things get worse then before. I honestly think things will never change and I will never win. I feel like I’m permanently stuck loosing at everything.
thank you to whoever reads this.
There was a time when I was fairly content with life. Took a lot of things for granted, things I should’ve cherished but instead just let them pass me by. I let myself just dwindle, sliding down further without me even knowing it. I wish there was a way I could go back in time and tell my reckless, dumb self to be more wary and careful. This all stemmed from me never looking at myself with love, I always thought I had to prove something, to be someone I was never meant to be. I should’ve just accepted who I was. If life presents you a second chance, fucking take it as soon as you can, because things can go from bad to worse in a blink of an eye. Anyways signing off for tonight, take it easy fam.
I feel like i should die. I just hate being around my family they kept taling me granted. They think i m just acting i m ill even afate doc said i cant be able to go clg bcz of spodalytis. My omly brother its a play fir me , he never get that i m still in pain i need his support they just avoid like i m nothing for them.
I live a life of missing others. Whether it is due to death or just the fact that my best friends live 700 miles away, every morning when i wake up I have a long list of those I miss. When I miss someone so much it causes a sort of “pit” in my stomach that makes me not want to be here anymore. It sounds ridiculous- i know. The fact that just missing someone can cause such emotion and thought, but I believe it is more than that. The emotion of missing someone can be overwhelming. I dont just miss people, but also who i used to be. The happy, smily, cheery person i once was. I miss a lot of things- but I miss my best friend the most. We see eachother about 3 times a year on average for about 4 days at a time. She is pretty much the only thing keeping me going at this point and sometimes i wanna give up because she isnt here. I know it sounds ridiculous again. I should be happy to have some who understands at all and maybe sometimes i take it for granted but ive never appreciated something more in my life then the amount i appreciate her. she deals with my shit 24/7 and theres nothing i could or say to show how much i thank her for everything shes ever done. She will never see this, but she knows how much I love her. The “pit” overcomes everything inside me and is hard to escape- I hope one day ill never have that feeling ever again. Thank you to those you read till the end.
It’s funny how I ask to be normal. I wanna do normal shxt.
Like I wanna have a normal day. Get out of bed, shower, eat, go to work, come home and go to sleep. I can’t even do this.
My day is more like wake up crying [cause I wish I were dead] cry in the shower and don’t wanna eat. Call in because I’m too sad to work or go to work and cry. Then have insomnia all night.
Ppl take for granted the ability to have a simple day.
I think it’s sad when you learn you finally love someone.. that would be my father. I have taken him for granted, but yet again he doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to suffer with depression and anxiety. I can never talk to him. Before I was token away, I was daddies little girl.. no matter what he has done to my family or my mom. We’ve separated so much through the years.. I cant just go speak to him about it, it’s different..
I honestly don’t feel like anybody is listening.. but I like the thought. Done posting for tonight, I post too much.
I can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t benefit from my death. I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever known who I haven’t screwed over on a regular basis. I take everything for granted, I’m arrogant, obnoxious, stupid and useless and every extra minute I survive seems selfish. Too often someone actually does/says something nice to me and I hate the fact that they can’t despise me as much as I do. For all the talk of, “having so much to live for,” my doing so only seems to lessen what others have. I’ve given nothing to anyone and the only gift I have to give is my absence. I love others but can’t stand the idea of that being mutual, I don’t want to ruin another life by being a part of it. I don’t know how I started to think/realise this or why but I’m starting to run out of excuses for myself.
my best friend has turned into a total jerk lately. he has literally taken the only thing i cared about and then threw it away like it was trash. he’s taken the past two girls I’ve actually liked from me one of them while he was still hooking up with my ex-girlfriend. he’s stopped talking to me completely and still tries to hang out with all our other friends without me. granted we all talk about it behind his back and we all kinda hate him now. i had decided this guy was gonna be my best man at my wedding. we’ve known each other for 13 years and he has decided that now would be a good time to stab me in the back. multiple times. good luck man. hope you do well in life. cause you’re gonna have to do it without me.
Sometimes I wonder what the point of all of this is? When those thoughts start running through my mind I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if I ended it all. However, I don’t want to hurt the small amount of people that actually care about me which is why I haven’t and probably wont ever do it. It’s still depressing to have all of these thoughts. I really wish I didn’t. On some level I feel guilty and I feel like maybe I’m taking everything for granted. Compared to others my life is pretty normal I suppose. At least now it is. This year has blessed me with a lot of great opportunities yet I can’t seem to get over little things from my past that still seem to plague me. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Whatever the point of this is I feel like I deserve the right to be happy. So why can’t I? ……I don’t understand why I can’t. Sometimes I feel so alone because of it. I feel like it affects my relationship with my significant other. Sometimes he’ll tell me “why cant you just be happy?” I never know what to say to that because I don’t even know the answer to that question. I think him telling me that makes me feel even worse because its not like i want this. I want to be able to be happy but I for some reason just can’t. I don’t think he really understands how bad I feel or how severe my feelings towards everything actually are. On some level I wish he did but on another level I’m ashamed to admit how bad I really feel. In reality it all goes back to me feeling like I’m taking things for granted. I try to tell myself that others have had it worse than me and that’s why i shouldn’t feel this way. I try my hardest to suppress it and put on that big smile that everyone is used to seeing but in reality I’m a very lonely person no matter how easy it is for me to be well liked. I just don’t feel like I have anyone close. The only person I could possibly think of as close is probably my bf and even then I don’t feel like I make him happy.
One moment im thinking about the the relief and freedom an exit would provide, then later I’m thinking it’s no answer, it’s just quitting. The thought of it being over seems to make me happy, but I bet if I got a cancer diagnosis I’d be pissed.
If you’re willing to die, why not be willing to make a go of it instead? I dunno..
The wish to die will be granted to each and every one of us one day, without exception. So why live in fear of failing another attempt at happiness regardless of how foolish it seems? In the end we will be gone and if we fail it won’t matter and if we succeed then at least we wouldn’t have been so miserable before the inevitable end.
The end we seek is coming one way or another.
More importantly, why won’t I feel this way later?
Fuck if I know…
I often hear those affected by a suicide talking about the one who committed the suicide being selfish; and often those people are caught off guard by the suicide because they were taking for granted the presence of the person who committed the act. Many of those people got too caught up in a life that was quite a bit less painful than those who committed the suicide to ever notice there were little things they could often do to help prevent such measures. Examples might be: Inviting those struggling out to a cheap social event, making a small connection that might help those find work, being open to that person’s ideas…… Then, when the suicide happens, they complain about the selfish nature of such an occurrence…. Is it just me that sees the hypocrisy in such beliefs?
Saying goodbye is possibly the hardest thing a single human has to do. You take so much things for granted and when you have to let them go, the feeling is indescribable. But I don’t like to say goodbye, I’d rather say Hello, it doesn’t hurt as much. So don’t say good bye and I won’t forget. Because saying good bye means forgetting. I don’t wanna forget though. …Even the porcelain dolls that you have to say goodbye to, it harms everything in my chest when thought’s sink in.
I must go now, so talk soon maybe.
Everyday that I am alive, is just another day that i want to die. I see people living life and taking happiness for granted.
This is not the life i wanted to live, I wanted to be happy. I sound like i am a 12 year old girl with one problem, but in reality i am 16 yrs old and i have more than one problem. It feels like i have a million problems , no one is here to help I get taken for granted , one day when i am gone they are gonna mourn and grieve and lie about the things they should have done. I do not know why i think like this, i do not know if it is ever going to change. All i know is that I am an angel that wants to go home soon.