Hello. I have less than 1 week left in school. I can’t seem to stay still. Going to a place full of people like school is agony. I hate it. I got to get away. I can’t stay still. Every time I look around, I see people having a great time and spending it with others. I understand that I am alone. I just don’t want to show up to a place where it constantly reminds me. This restlessness has extended at home as well. Even in my room I can’t sit still. I want out. It’s driving me insane. Like I need to be somewhere, but I just don’t know where. Somewhere far from here. I hate how they stare. They rarely do it, but when they do, it’s always in disgust. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want out. Where can I go? Thank you for listening.
It appears as though I may have mislead some of you. I apologize. It was never my intent to represent myself in a manner in which would deceive any of you. So here it is, the honest truth….
I am not Steve Buscemi. He’s a great guy from stories I’ve heard. My avatar is just a great picture of him. Actually I choose that picture because the character ” crazy eyes ” is notorious for not visually seeing well. I think that represents me fairly. I tend to overlook obvious faults, not out of compassion, but because I simply don’t notice them.
Well, I’m not as brave as Cordless. I can’t bring myself to post a selfie. So, here’s my hand drawn selfie. Behold, AO.
Good night everyone.
Wishing you a great rest of your day/night with a picture of my town, here in Florida.
You may not see me too active in the next few days due to work but please do reach out if you’d like:
Email: suesyd . nomore at gmail . com
Facebook: Suesyd Nomore
Shrouded in black and enveloped in shade. Cutting white noise and chronic scenes of anguish jolted Alvan awake into a reality of full dark, all pitch no stars. A gnawing silent tooth ache of the mind begging for acknowledgment. A validation into being eternal. He anxiously looked around hastily as he reached for his sword only to find his sheathe had been taken from him and his horse, Silver Dart, was nowhere to be found. He managed to keep his panic at bay until he felt a jarring compulsion to nurse a searing pain in his knee and to his dismay his hand went right through his limb and turned a pale blue. Electric shock ran through his disheveled locks as he screamed Cecilia’s name. He called for his horse but none came. An ever present cackling had peered into his consciousness for the past — what felt like an eternity. Time no longer made sense here. Wherever here was, he could not say. All he knew was that he was nowhere familiar and comfort had made no attempt to console.
As rudely as he was awakened his mind was suddenly flooded with memories of a place he once knew. Mighty ships, and sojourning sailboats drifted across his mind as the taste of salt water appeared on his tongue. It all felt so sudden and real. An experience of now yet the sense of dissolution and delineation was strong. There was a separation, but not in the salt of the mighty blue aqua body soaking his tongue. An older man, who he felt could’ve been his father was barking orders to a rambunctiously eager crew during a heavy windstorm. He saw the ship washed up on a shore left as detritus for the tales of widows to vocally sift through. He saw children smiling up at him expectantly and a hopeful sun being eclipsed by a despairing moon. He still tasted salt but it was gradually replaced by blood. He saw still frames of bludgeons, and pictures of bodies. Piles carted to grassy knolls only to be burned in sacrifice of absolution to an unknown deity that was evidently not here with Alvan. He saw epochs and ages pass. Yet he did not see her. He saw times and tales unravel before him as if he was really there and involved. No trace of St. Cecilia.
“When do you intend to depart? What say you?” Alvan, shocked by the violation of his privacy still stood entranced in his nostalgic odyssey into a world’s past. He slowly turned around to be greeted by a gruff and nodding character adorned in purple feathers and a large gold necklace that teasingly hung a diamond covered key. His eyes shone like heavenly sky fires and his voice embroidered a calm knowing. “Well, does the mysterious visitor speak…?”
Stuttering and his oblivious nature intact Alvan only stood assaulted by innumerable questions. “Where am I…? And, who are you?” He managed to extend in muffled nervousness.
“I am Balthazaar. And this is the land of Despair. Do you not feel it?” His questions seemed to be rhetorical as he planted one foot firmly in the floored firmament.
“That’s all I feel. But where is my horse and…” Alvan choked back regret and the transparency this voided place brought. “… Where is she?” He continued. “I woke up to the stench of Death and taste of salt that turned to blood. What does this all mean?”
“It means you have been here before. Despair is a place souls go when they want to remember their pain so they do not do it again in their next life.” The foreboding personality answered matter of fact.
“Well, I don’t belong here.” Alvan resisted, and his voice no longer hiding the irritated edge.
“You can leave any time.” Brooding Balthazar heaved.
“How? Show me the way! Show me now!” The militant vagabond exclaimed in a torrent of pain.
Balthazaar the Stoic, moved his gargantuan frame one oak tree leg at a time. Bumbling toward his guest and finally relinquishing his momentum to stand solid with a face of statuesque seriousness. There was no levity in this land and it was apparent on the key wielding guardian’s visage. “You will need this.” He brandished the key before Alvan’s tormented face revealing a vulnerability he had never known.
A pang of loss, like a fiery arrow found its home in Alvan’s back. “Why do I feel so heavy? Why is there no release here? All I feel is this weighty sadness.” He was thinking out loud now, sacrificing any pretense for honesty and desire to leave at all costs.
“Alvan the Despairing, you are feeling the collection. The amalgam. The hording of deep blue. The addition of all the pain you’ve experienced over the course of all seven of your lives spent on earth.” Balthazaar’s once emotionless face now exposed an expression that could only convey one of sympathy. This key will take you to the great beyond. This land is part of the passage The Great Divide. With fortitude and forehead of flint you can complete your journey to the other side. It’s up to you. It always has been.
“What about her Balthazaar? What of her?” Alvan desperately inquired.
“It is not her time. You, and only you must cross this great divide Alvan the Despairing.” His appearance appeared to lighten and the stoic Guardian opened his chest to reveal great purple wings. “Take this key,” he commanded sternly. “The time is now.”
“Aye. Let me not remember this pain Balthazaar the Stoic. Let me not remember.” Alvan, laid hold of the key with his right hand as it released a brilliant light meant only for angel eyes. “To the great divide! Let me not remember Balthazaar! Let me never remember this!” Alvan desperately yelled. The composed wanderer losing his composure in a flurry of tears and suppressed pain looked to the door with the head of a lion, bear and eagle. All three animals spoke, “We grant you safe passage” in an almost rehearsed unison strengthening the confidence of The Despairing Vagabond.
Balthazaar turned around as Alvan inserted the key and heard the all too familiar sound of the dimensions unlocking. “Be at peace, soldier. Rest in peace.”
To my father:
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. I love you.
To my mother:
I’m sorry I couldn’t your get acceptance.
To my sisters:
You are absolutely strong. Great mothers to your children. One day you will all make the man who chooses you very happy.
To my brother:
My closest friend. My confidante. The bond between us is something that can’t be broken. I will miss you brother.
To my daughter:
I love you. I wish more than anything that has ever been or ever will be how much you mean to me. You are my miracle. A promise to you that I would never stop being here for you. One day you will understand. Hopefully. I’ve not got to hold you in 4 long and baneful months. Much longer than I could have imagined. I’ve not got to tell you good morning, or good night for a month. This is pain that I can’t even start to describe or deal with anymore.
To my love and my heart:
I will always love you pebbles. I have since the first time I seen you. The first kiss. I’ve been trying to show you how much you mean to me. How much of a better person I am with you. You and our daughter gave my life reason.
I CAN’T FACE THE DARK WITHOUT YOU
I get ignored just like usual. If i want to go out anywhere or do anything I just seem to go by myself these days. If i go with family members it just turns into one huge screaming match by the end of it. I know my sis is graduating high school and that’s great and all… But it feels like if i say anything people just get irritated and annoyed. I’m trying to stay positive and happy with my music and thoughts but i know i am slowly slipping. The guy i really like. we have so much in common and weve been friends for a long time. too bad he cant get over his ex girlfriend and he has no clue how much i like him. The girl I’m in love with I have known her since i transferred to my last college. she is beautiful in every way. Pretty much my dream girl. Her ex was kind of abusive toward her. Oh who am I kidding i don’t have a chance in hell with her. especially with my ugly, fat, pathetic ass. who’s only good looks is my blue eyes, curly brown hair, and big boobs/ass and awkward personality. It has been 4 months since i last posted on here. see ya round.
The artist name is pierre-alaine D
Have a great day, night, morning, whatever
The only two friends that i have in college do not speak to me anymore.
I really liked them as my friends and i build a great friendly relationship with them but I’ve been noticing some strange behavior from them.
My two friends are guys and i’m a girl.
Anyways, we are all in the same class and I’ve been noticing that when i have a conversation with one of them- the other walks away.
And For example- we wrote a script individually for the class we are in and i asked both of them to be in it and one of them ask me who’s playing the main character? and i told him it was my other friend and he replied “i knew it”….
it gave me the impression that he was jealous. which is weird because we’ve been friends for awhile and he never acted like he liked me like that. but i might be wrong? am I?
And the other guy friend, i noticed that he was bothered because i had a conversation with a guy from the same class about a subject we both liked and we where just conversing about it and he was there and he all of the sudden got up and left without saying goodbye or anything, i knew something was bothering him but i don’t know what? was he also jealous?
there behavior became so bazar, that i’m not really sure whats going on? i’m just sad that i lost their friendship.
Does anyone have an advice for me?
should i reach out to them?
Stepped over a ledge today without a hit of self preservation instincts(survied, the fourth time I’ve failed at dying). No butterflies in my stomach, no sweat in my hands, I simply no longer have any fear of death. Then it occured to me: if i dont have any fear of dying why should i fear change? So i quit my job, emptied my bank occount, moved, confessed everything i had left to confess. I figure in a month I’ll either have a good life or a great crime scene but for now it seems like killing myself was the one exciting thing i had left to do and now it seems boring. I’m stuck between why bother living and if i die now I’ll waste everything i wanted to do with my suicide so i geuss I’ll just let you know in a month or I wont…?
I can’t go on living this life anymore. But I also can’t leave. If I died, no one would miss me, but then my parents would divorce. They already were going to when I went off to college. I’d just be speeding up the process, but if that happened, I don’t know how my dad would live. He doesn’t have a great job, no one to live with, and I’m worried. My mom has people to go to and can earn enough money. But there is also the chance that she might commit suicide as well.
All I want is an escape from this world. Is that so hard to ask for?
Went back to my high school today for their spring musical. It’s been six years, and I still get emotional about that time in my life. The students did spectacular, indescribably so actually. I was so impressed. And then I had this moment, and it was almost like I could literally feel something shifting, breaking in my brain. It was all I could do to stand up or keep from crying. Good thing I had to leave early to get ready for work tonight. Six years, and so much has happened, and yet, I have made absolutely no progress. I really am so hopeless. Death, broken friendships, suicide attempts, a useless college degree, and years of nothingness. I’m just a ghost, seriously, it’s like I’m not even a person anymore. I saw several friends from high school, and I had nothing to show for my life. I couldn’t even come up with anything interesting about myself or my plans, because I don’t have any, unless they want to hear about my impending suicide. I thought, “this may be the last time I ever talk to this person, and I know it would barely faze them.” There is so much pain from all that I’ve lost, all the dead dreams, all the brightness that has been sucked out of my eyes. I remember graduating and feeling like I was on the brink of something transcendent. I really believed I was meant to do great things, and now, I’m can barely get out of bed. Guess I’ll pop a few more caffeine pills to get through work tonight. I feel like Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell, ha. I won’t get addicted, I don’t think. Except she went to freaking Berkley and probably did great things. I’m just a useless, invisible phantom. I haven’t felt so utterly hopeless for a while. I feel it often, but not like that. All the pain from my entire life hit me like a bulldozer, out of nowhere, and I really can’t think of a single person to talk to about it. I want to kill myself right now. I just want it to end, but right before mother’s day and my dad’s birthday is kind of a dick move. So, I’ll go to work, and sleep, and pretend endlessly.
i’ve been having a very difficult time lately. i have a lot of health issues both mental and physical and they’re finally catching up to me. it’s been very difficult holding on, but even more so now than before because my family is now explicitly honest about how they feel about my condition.
my health issues have gotten to the point where i can’t work. i can’t function on my own anymore. i am a burden. i’ve been in the gray area of suicide since the age of nine and i’ve only been open about it in the last two years. it’s gotten worse. everything has gotten worse and i just want it to end. i don’t know what to do anymore. i just want to stop
this has been the most emotionally exhausting day of my entire godforsaken existence. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I’m just crying and crying. I’ve got the absolute worst headache from having 5 hours of sleep and 4 hours of crying. This just fucking sucks ass.
I had to call my mother and tell her I’m self-harming. She says she thought I was the one thing she got right in her life, but apparently I’m not. So, great. Fan-fucking-tastic. I have ruined my mother’s life and all this without her even knowing I’m suicidal. she asked why I would even tell her if there wasn’t anything I wanted her to do and since as far as she knows this phone call was my idea, I said what the counselor said, which is just that as a mother it was the kind of thing she would want to know.
She is so disappointed in me. I can hear it in her voice. I ruin everything. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
I just got the message, from my ex, she want’s to go out for a drink with me tomorrow night!! I still love her, so that’s great right ? so why em I posting this crap here?
Well it is not great, this is not fucking great at all. And here is why :
we have been together for almost 5 years, and she have break up with me 2 months ago, 3 weeks ago she had told me she have meet someone and that they are dating for few days now. But 2 weeks ago I have found out she had been cheating with this guy for months when we were still together and all the lies she had told me in all this past months, and even now in this two months that we are not together anymore she told me so many lies, I have just lost count.
so I really need your opinion please!
Should I confront her tomorrow, tell her that I know all the lies and cheating she had done to me?
I’m thinking yes – my time is running out ! Because, I have exams in 25 days, and I need to pass them to finish school finally and try to get a decent job for once. I have had just enough energy to hold on this two months that I was studying everyday for this final exams, but I have completely stop 2 weeks ago, when I found out about this. After 13 years of this exact same ending in previous relationships my heart is not broken but dead this time, so at least I don’t have to worry about that, but it’s tearing my soul in pieces, Its making me sick and can’t sleep or eat, having panic attacks, paranoia is appearing more often and depression bad as never before, and I attempted suicide once before. And how the fuck can I possible study now? I was barley holding on before, all the good memories and beautiful moments we had, and hard times we conquered them together, are now gone for ever, drowned in lies, and it’s taking me down with it.
I need to hear her say the truth to me. My soul is dying and I’m wishing I can find some peace or strength in it, at least for this month, so I can get myself together and try to salvage this lost time and get back to study, with this last energy in me, don’t even want to think if it’s not already too late now for me.
by not telling her, my life is at hold, can’t stop thinking about it, it has taken me over, and it’s ripping what has left of me apart.
I’m thinking no – i’m spinning in a circle ! Here is what is scaring me even more, and i’m afraid! this girl, she is mentally ill too. She was cutting herself for over 10 years, attempt suicide twice, been in psychiatric hospital 6 times already. what is even worse is she should be taking 3 types of pills, but for the past 6 months she only taken 1 type of those pills, and this might be the cause of mood swings and her decisions in this last months, but maybe not I don’t know. And what is even worse when I think about it more is, she can be manipulated by others quite fast, and not to my surprise, the guy she is dating, is her “friend”, she knows him for like 1 year now (and this guy, he was like take a pic of your dog, can I see your new hair color? here I bought you gift etc…for this entire year that she knows him).
I don’t know. Is the mental grip holding her this badly now? are the pills? is she being manipulated? is the combination? is it something else? or she just wanted to get away from me?
I’m afraid, if I confront her, and tell her that I know about all the lies she is telling and cheating she had done, she might start to hate herself again, she will also see how broken I have become by her actions, she might fall even deeper in depressions and her dark mind, which would probably mean that she would start cutting again (she had stop 3 years ago, I don’t know if the new boyfriend even knows about her mental state and problems she had and has, and will not even be able to give her support she needs), it might again get so bad she would try suicide or go to hospital for at least 1 month or more, and fail at school, and can’t work when your in hospital which would leave her without money, which would destroy her life, and mine with it, for pushing her down this path.
But knowing her I feel, I can’t take a risk, it will end badly, it will destroy her life or cripple it beyond repair, and then mine goes with it.
I’m spinning in a circle between this impossible decisions, of which, future and life, of someone else, that I care and love, and me, might get destroyed. And I’m running out of time, been thinking for the past 2 weeks, sometimes I decide I will take one way and will not change my mind about it anymore, hours later I’m convinced I will do the other way around because it’s for the best, tomorrow she will see me, and exams are at end of this month.
– I want to “man up!” slap myself, get it together, let it slip away and don’t you dare mention this to her tomorrow or ever! but this energy is sipping out of me, and it’s ripping me apart emotionaly and mental state is getting worse by day. But I want to smile, I need to, for her, when she ask me tomorrow how are you? I need to forget about it and my exams with it.
-Or maybe I’m over thinking this? Might be she just will not care that I know, and will not feel bad for her actions, or that my situations has gotten so bad. I wish this would be true, then I would need not to worry about her state, I still love her and care for her very much, probably too much for my own good. But I just might take this broken pieces that are left for me and somehow try my best to survive this month, If I confront her, and she tells me get over it, she doesn’t care about me anymore.
is there any other way? I’m I blind, possible stupid?
What would you do? If you were her, what would you want me to do?
I’m sitting here in the dark, listening to the rain. It’s been raining a lot lately in the past month or so. I remember a few years ago the river flooding in low lying spots and coming within inches of flooding over the train track bridge. I don’t mind this rain at night or when I’m sleeping but during the day when I have to function it about kills me. I am not very tolerant of the cold and lately this has felt like an ice cold rain. There was one night in February I had to catch the bus home from work in an icy cold rainstorm, without an umbrella because I had no idea that it was going to rain that day. Thinking back I caught a nearly month long cold after that. It’s going to rain all weekend too. I’m thankful I’m spending tomorrow with my little niece and having dinner with my parents, I’m old enough where I like the little things like that. I’m tired too. Part of me is convinced I’m just dying a slow death already or stuck in between life and death. which is what my name here implies. That’s another post in itself though. I think what I hate the most is I feel as if everyone thinks I have my shit together and I’m great. I’m not. I may look healthy and happy and all that bs but my brain is eating me alive. I made a great collage once depicting this, if I find it I’ll post it. Anyway I’m rambling now. I honestly don’t even know if there is a point to this, if you read it, thank you.
So like every time I put on make up I end up crying it all off. Why am I crying today well it started off ok. The house was fliped the girl I live with refuses to clean the bathroom properly but whatever. Im crying because it my fucking husband mother fucking birthday and I have barely any money to buy him somthing . but keep in mind I the spouse that makes money. He buys me somthing with my money in his pocket. Or he brought what ever it is on a credit card which I pay …won it at the casino my money he used to bet I technically bought myself a shit load of crap I did not need ..or wanted sooooooo I remembered he wanted a necklace so I looked it up. Now for the last few months how I paid the bills I have no fucking Idea . so what dose this ************ do he go on Cartier and Bulgari too look for a present. Sooo this dumb fuck thinks he found a necklace for 300$. Nope you dumb piece of shit its fucking 5300$ for motherfuckin leather and gold a tiny fuck amount and lacquer.
What did he think I was gonna make a a million fucking dollars in tahoe I am lucky that I made 200$ this month <<<<<<(MONTH )THIS MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING MONTH. Thats running fairs in the cold staying stupid long hours in the office. Hustling on the street trying to bring someone in . shit 200 MOTHER FUCKING DOLLARS . WHAT DID HE THINK I WAS IN CHICAGO MAKING MONEY. WERE I AM ABLE TO SPEND 5,000 BUCKS LIKE I DID LAST YEAR AND THATS NOT FUCKING INCLUDING MOTHERS DAY IT LANDED ON THE SAME FUCKING DAY.
I have20 bucks and im not sure if I should use it for food or hid it because its so fucking rare .
And another thing is my ancestors used to travil with carnivals fairs and circuses. My fucking great grand parents on both sides were the first to buy a mother fucking houses . my great grandparents on my dads settled in Chicago my great grand parents on my mom side in somewhere in the south. The were the mother fucking first in entire mother fucking race that came to america. Some how Im with mother fucking people who want me to travel and run fairs for five or sux thousand dollars . were if I home in chicago I would not have to go nowhere to make that little amount of money and I would have money put away. No instaed I am put to travel, I am undoing three generations of progress what mother fucking fuck .
I will probably go to hell fo all my cursing.
Btw my phone is working now
Went to the shop to get milk and some alcohol, to make some pudding and drown my sorrows. Got me some vine but I see that I can’t f#cking open it.
Besides that I just wanna f#cking die since a month. I really don’T want therapy, I don’t want to feel happiness, I enjoy my pass-time activities but I am not happy, even when I had my first girlfriend I was apathetic and didn’t feel anything.
Every time I am at my parents house, the gun locker laughs at me, I could just end it all, go to the forest and bang.
I’ve been struggling with my depression for years but it’s never gotten this incapacitating. In the past year I’ve spiraled downwards, anxiety striking every chance it gets, invasive thoughts running wild any time I wasn’t able to distract myself. The only thing that kept me sane has been my girlfriend. The most amazing, down to earth, just perfect person I’ve ever met. I was ready to marry her, I’d give my life for her. We were doing great (or so it seemed to me) until spring break trip where I was forced to go with my family and have the worst time id had in a long time. On the ride home, she told me she didn’t know if she’d be able to see me when I get back, I asked her what she thought about our relationship, and she went on to tell me that she hadn’t been feeling anything for me for a long time. I haven’t been able to go to class since. I’m pushing everything away and trying to pull myself out of this anxiety filled depression but every time a happy thought passes through my mind it’s immediately replaced by just a pure sadness that makes me not want to move. I nearly killed myself once, but funny enough a computer game stopped me. So now here I am avoiding class again, screaming crying in my truck. I’m being given good opportunities for college and I’m throwing them away because I can’t make myself do anything and all that stress is pouring in making everything even worse. I just don’t want to be alive anymore but I can’t bring myself to end it. I’m a coward.
I have an English class at 8AM 3 days out of the school week. For the last 10 or so minutes I’ve been sitting outside the door trying to decide if I should go in or not. I actually like writing, and I was especially looking forward to working on the last essay, which is essentially a reflection piece with yourself as the main source. The professor’s a really great guy, too. He’s really understanding and wants all of his students to do the best that we can. But I’ve only completed one out of the four essays that we’re supposed to be doing, and I think they’re doing peer reviews of the last essay I failed to complete. My schedule is so ridiculous that the homework I have assigned for one night is virtually impossible to do in one night. I generally have 4 papers to do at any given time, and generally at least one is due within less than a week. I feel terrible showing up to class and learning all the ways I’ve fucked up, all the reasons why this nice professor should hate me, how I’m going to flunk the class (and probably other classes behind it), and how I’m a complete piece of shit. I wanted to send him an email or meet with him about it, but what could I possibly say? “Sorry I’ve been blowing you off all semester, but can you pass me anyway?” I don’t know what to do. I’m neck deep and the water’s getting higher fast. I was thinking about applying for Students With Disabilities some months ago, but in order to do that my parents have to get involved, and if I never talk to them again about anything related to the whole depression an suicidal thing it’ll be WAY too soon. So, I guess I’m just going to sit here in the hallway for 20 more minutes, go to my math class and look for a clear spot on my arm to cut and wait around for a few hours until I leave.
Because my parents are picking me up for the weekend.