I am a 20 year old female attending university within my home town. I honestly feel lost within my own life. I am a waste of space. I do not know how to cook, terrible at cleaning, and struggle to manage a workload in school that others would find easy. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. I was never social as a child; I can’t go up to someone and start a conversation. I had a happy childhood, up to a point. Our home has come under disrepair within the past decade or so. I love my parents, at least I […]
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Handful
When I started high school I was a normal girl, I liked to laugh and make people laugh, I was loud but it wasn’t an obnoxious loud I just spoke my mind. But I started high school in a small town where everyone knew everyone and they didn’t accept outsiders, I was the outsider. I got bullied every day, by second semester I was tired of it. I felt bad for being weak under the pressure, so that made me feel worse. IÂ was always very insecure about my weight but it got worse in ninth grade, I took handfuls of diet pills everyday. I started […]
I have dealt with chronic depression and severe anxiety for years. I also have two neurological conditions, fibromyalgia and narcolepsy which give me horrible pain when I’m awake and horrible nightmares when I’m asleep. I feel very alone and there’s a voice in my head who says that it’s not worth it. I have pain pills in my bathroom and I know a handful of them would make all the problems go away, but I don’t take them. My mom lost two out of seven kids plus her husband and I don’t think she would take me dying well. I am not living for me […]
this is my first time ever talking about my suicidal feelings. i guess I should let you know about me. I’m 18 and I’ve been trying to kill myself since I was ten not sure what made me want to start but i’ve been trying ever since. Sometimes I’ll be “fine” for weeks and then i drop back to wanting to die or cut which can last for a few days or sometimes months. In total I’ve tried 12 times one was about 3 hours ago and shortly after started puking, my mom walked in the bathroom and asked if I was ok and i told […]
Not sure if thats necessarily a good thing.. I used to live on this forum a few months ago.. I don’t know what changed even. One day I just got confident. I thought I could finally live without these thoughts everyday. I don’t need this forum, I said to myself.
Well here I am again. Lower than I was months ago. I can’t handle this anymore. I have access to a gun now. That’s probably the one good thing about right now. Otherwise I’m completely broken. I just need him. why does god do this? ugh not even god why does MY HEART want him […]
I attempted suicide last night again.. but as you can tell i didnt succede. I took a handful of prenatal vitaims but just ended up heaving my guts out along with some blood. My dad and i got in a huge fight, cause i hung up on him in the morning while running for the bus.
It got worse when he planned TWO doctor appointments in the middle of my end of course test. I was pissed so i sent him a angry text in all caps. Then when i got home i went to a friends to install a game onto my computer and we […]
Most of the time I feel permanent. Not like immortal or anything, but more timeless. Fixed, I guess you could say. Because of this, I’m not easily afraid of anything, even death.
Once I was out with some friends at a restaurant. I can’t even remember exactly what was said, but a friend of mine said something that humiliated me in front of everyone. Now, there are a few emotions which my brain simply cannot process and my body simply cannot contain. Shame is one of them. I stood up, walked out, and cold late autumn air immediately began to burn my bare arms. I didn’t know […]
I am at the lowest i have ever been in my life. Sad to say, but i am starting to understand why people kill themselves. I am so depressed and can’t seem to shake it off. Im 27, a broken engagement sent me over the edge. I let any relationship im in consume my entire life and im never happy anyway because i cant seem to trust any man and end up being a crazy ***** for my insecurities. Im in love with a drug addict/alcoholic. He is a horrible person. He lies, steals, embarrasses me and doesnt work, but yet im completely addicted to […]
The depression break downs I seem to experience are coming back more and more this week. Yesterday I was just so depressed I couldnt pull myself up. I got up to take my medicine and ended up just laying in the floor. It just felt like it wasnt worth getting up to survive. My fight with my dad is getting no better. Hes still choosing his wife/ex-wife (its complicated) over me. My mom keeps saying Karma comes around..he`ll regret it when hes older. Thats not good enough to me. I dont want to wait. I want him in my life now. Its just frustrating
As much as […]
Ok this is weird, i ended up here after doing some searching on the net and was just drawn here. I’m old so maybe im out of place here, heart is bad and having more problems, health has really gone down hill alot this year. I have kids that are adults out doing there own thing, they could care less about anything except themselves. I’m just tired, tired of being tired, i want to just take a handful of sleeping pills and jump on the bike and go for a ride and go out of this life doing what i love the most, taking the […]
Well I have been listening to a lot of George Watsky since I came back from VidCon… In case you don’t know, he is a youtube poet/rapper. If you have a problem with bad words, don’t watch the video I am putting here 🙂
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-cT8Qe7y3k&feature=BFa&list=UL_dpCTMLTO4c
Also:Â http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtQqK7BWq_c
Anywhozies, it inspired some of my newer, longer poetry… Sorry if you don’t think it flows… neither do I! We can be thought twins!
Anyways, it’s just something I wrote last night really late…
They say: Come on,
Cut the crap,
Be glad,
Be happy you’re alive!
That’s where I stop and think…
What if the very thing that depresses us the most,
Once again, I cut myself. I can’t remember if it was before or after I took some pills though. I cut myself with a razorblade, it’s kind of my new self harm strategy. It tears up my wrist more, but I feel like it doesn’t scar as bad, we’ll just have to see how it goes. This time I didn’t count the pills I took, i just grabbed a handful and tried to take them down as fast as I could. I don’t know why, but I had this sense that I should write about it on here, like I used to. I’m sure it’s […]
Well- this is harder than initially thought.
How do you attempt to explain something you’re not sure of ?
If I were to guess at what stage triggered my feelings today, I would say childhood. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, maybe a handful of events all in all. Why this is I don’t know, repressed memories, perhaps ? Bad memory, more likely?
I am in no way saying I had a bad childhood. I know my parents loved me, although I don’t think my mother was ready for children, still don’t.Â
I am 20 years old and deeply confused. When I was around 12 […]
I grow tired of the repaired, reconstructed, and rebuilt. I envy many of you who have faced your challenges (depression, suicide, overdose attempts, and so much more).
In all those moments you have made your life easier.
In these comments I commend you, but for many of us the battle of psych freedom is a road longer, darker, and perilous.
I am not trying to compare who is more ill (or was) but staying “just pull yourself out of it” is like a blind parent talking to a child who can see, touch, and taste the sorrow around them.
I am older than many of the […]
I’ve come to the conclusion that im a complete waste of space, and i want to eliminate this pointless shitstain of an existence i call a life from the face of the earth.
My whole life i was labeled ugly and worthless, and any word that can add the prefix “un” would describe me. Im unathletic, untalented, unattractive, unimportant, unmotivated, uninteresting, unappealing, basically anything you can think of.
I grew up with my father always angry, and telling me i was a worthless human being. He would say it was his way of building me up to be a man, but all it did was make me […]
To start I have been watching this site for a year. I have witnessed sorrow, pain, emptiness, death, and living the life of death. I have also watched a few people climb from the edge and feel wonderful.
I am so sorry to tell you this but that lasting happiness is a lie. Someday everything you built will come crashing down. Your spouse will leave you sure to your mental wearing them down. Those people who can see the worlds splendor will never truly understand us.
I have a good job, a sweet step-daughter, a beautiful wife, and the cutest dog in the world.
I […]
Why bother attempting something when all it will lead to is embarrassment and worsening of the situation? When somethings fucked, you can never fix it back to 100%, so why do you try? It will never be as good as you could possibly make it.
The social problems started in middle school. Being a quiet nerd has downfalls. What’s worse was trying to break out and improve myself, only to lose the one thing I had going, which was intelligence. Giving up good marks to have a couple friends and still be bullied.
The bullying ended in 9th grade. I suppose everyone was just too weirded out by me to even […]
I lost the control that I’d maintained for so long…trauma…attempted suicide one day and the next…”saved” by my best friend…the loss of my best friend…I am collapsing into myself as I have destroyed my life and continue to destroy this moment and the next.
I look to people to talk with but all I see are names…all I can tell them is a story of self-pity.
I wish I didn’t tell me best friend I took 60 pills…
I wish I hadn’t told her anything…
I wish I had used a blade…
I wish I had the courage I did a year ago when I brought the handful of pills […]
I just registered for this site, like, literally five minutes ago, and I must say, I’m still a little overwhelmed that a website like this even exists (in a good way(I think)).
I guess I’ll just say it… approximately eight months ago, I tried to kill myself.
I’ve been struggling with severe clinical depression since I was 8 years old. The fact that I was considered a social pariah at school didn’t help matters. I have a recorded IQ of 145, but I was failing almost every class. I was capable of getting a 4.0, but I ended up graduating with a 2.6. I just stopped caring. […]
Last night i attempted to kill my self  again. I’ve been so sad lately and im lonely and want to die. so i took a bunch of one of my meds then a handful of this a handful of that . after telling my brother and mom i threw up and now i just feel tired. Something hit me last night , i don’t want to die like this. I don’t want to die  because im afraid of why may come my way.  When i die i want to be happy , don’t let depression get the best of you.
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