My name is drew, i am 20 years old, and currently residing in a “suck you under” little town in texas. I grew up a happy child, played sports and had lots of friends. But were did it all go wrong? why do i have no friends? no family? no life? why is waking up a day to day challenge? i guess you could say im to chicken shit to kill myself. but the thought has passed my mind alot more than it should. i wish i could just leave this world behind….and no one would remember me. i see my life and friends […]
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Happy Child
So my horoscope tells me that its hard for me to be emotional. Is it really? Well my family tends to think so. In my mind I always feel like committing suicide. At one moment I can feel so HAPPY that my family thinks I’m always the happy child and then at the next I feel so lonely, and secluded, out of place. I never fully understand what triggers my feeling to go up and down. When I was in class 7 I lied to my friends telling them that I’m an expert at self harming but honestly I never even dared to try it. […]
So my horoscope tells me that its hard for me to be emotional. Is it really? Well my family tends to think so. In my mind I always feel like committing suicide. At one moment I can feel so HAPPY that my family thinks I’m always the happy child and then at the next I feel so lonely, and secluded, out of place. I never fully understand what triggers my feeling to go up and down. When I was in class 7 I lied to my friends telling them that I’m an expert at self harming but honestly I never even dared to try it. […]
That’s what I’ve learnt in life. I don’t deserve to be loved, I must be the worst person ever, thus all I deserve is pain and misery. I’m tired and today was hell, so bare with me if I don’t make much sense. Ever since I remember I’ve wanted to be loved and accepted.. and ever since i remember, I’ve been denied. My mother has always hated me. She’d never say a nice thing about me, she was convinced I’d only exist to ruin her life, cause her misery and she still accuses me of having tried to kill her when i was 5… nobody […]
all of this pain…it didnt just come alive inside of me. it brought on throughout the years. i remember myself being such a happy child. i remember loving life and i remember i hated thought of dying. then i got to 5th grade and thats when everything started to change. people started to make fun of me because of my weight and because i wasnt all that smart.6th grade was the worst. the kids in my class tricked me into thinking that this guy really liked me and after a while i started to really like him too. then they told me that he never liked me […]
It is my intention to leave this life.
To start, I would say that I am not in that space where suicide helplines call “pain is greater than capability to bear.” I am not doing this on the spur of a moment’s depression or of a single terrible setback. No, none of these apply to me.
Let me share my story.
(1)
I was physically abused as a child. My father had rules that were only known to him. His mercurial moods did not help. From as young as pre-school (I do not remember exactly when they started), he would beat me, with his hands, with sticks, with canes. […]