So fucking sick of this life! I hate my parents for bringing me here! Black parents are traitors and liars. Why would you live a shitty inferior life then bring me here to do the same? Black people are hated the WORLD over because the majority are criminals and too stupid to function. It does not matter if you try to be a “good negro” your image is tainted from birth. Outside of accra and lagos (probably built up by non-blacks) there are no black civilizations. Nothing but death, misery and disease becomes of any place we inhabit. I chose to remain childfree because I can’t imagine having children grow up to hate themselves as much as I do. I think about all the times I fit the stereotypes and it makes me sick. I think about how many white cities have been destroyed and how many children black men have abandoned and I wish I could genocide my entire race. Just trying to pay all my debt down and live a decent life until October 11. 25 is looong enough to live as a black person on this earth. I am fucking done with this wretched existence. I hate being a black woman I feel ugly and unattractive every day of my life. I hope my husband moves on to someone he really loves and does not have to feel like he settled anymore. I set up a funeral plan and I have been saving money. What more can I do to make sure my spouse is well to do when I go?
I’m not one to think of suicide when something bad happens in my life, but everyone at my school has drove me to that thought. I’ve always been bullied and been last or never picked cause of what people would say about me and how I’d be treated like someone’s little *****.. but it’s was always my nature to fucking forgive them and shit. I started to contemplate of ways to do suicide and actually think of myself never being there in people’s lives anymore and who’d about who would attend my funeral, but that was what drove me to not doing it ,because I had friends whom I missed. I’m insecure about it all. I’d want to bang my head on the wall or hit something so badly ,but I didn’t and I’m somewhat glad I didn’t cause I have alot to look forward to besides bullying and exile from “friends”. 😀
Have ever just felt worthless and hated by everyone?? It’s the worst feeling ever apart from heartbreak.. I’ve felt like no one wants me here.. I’m always sad and or angry at myself for no apparent reason.. Sometimes it’ll be because the way I laugh, or how i look when i smile.. Yeah Ik, those are idiotic reasons to be angry with yourself with. Or it was because some bully calling me names or telling me to do things, like telling me I should go kill myself.. I tried to kill myself before.. When my best friend told me i should do the world a favor and kill myself.. That was the first time I attempted suicide, but obviously failed. Im writing this because all of those feelings i felt in the past, I’m feeling now… Sad, angry, worthless, hated, depressed.. Everything.. I don’t know how to cope with them.. Except for self-injury.. I know I shouldn’t do that to myself so imma try and hold back on that..
I’m a compulsive liar. I lie about silly things like what food I had for lunch or telling stories with friends. I also lie about real things like whether or not I cut or that I lost my job or that I’m not an alcoholic.
Here is the truth:
I am a failure. I dropped out of school because I have no drive and hated who I was at school, but blamed it on my depression. I lost my job because I didn’t want to show up, so I didnt, I then lied about why I lost my job. I was supposed to pay my friend, and didn’t, and then lied and said I did.
I don’t know how to STOP LYING.
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she’s blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.
He’s always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world she would marry her boyfriend. One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she can see everything including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her, ” now that you can see the world, will you marry me ? ” The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blind too, and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying, ” Just take care of my eyes dear, I Love You. ”
I had an abortion. It was years ago. I must have just turned 18. THERE I said it. He was horrible. He..hated me and everything that I was. He was rich and I was poor. He was white and I’m..what I am. I couldn’t do it. He contacted me today to remind me of the anniversary. It tore me apart, the things he said about status, and wealth.
Fuck this existance, i want to die! What kind of twisted pervertion makes this right not mine? Murderer, self assassination, killers go to HELL, if thats what youd like, or continue this existance of hated life. Fuck these choices, i have no choice, eternal damnation eclipses my life, no matter internal struggle, impulse, strife. I just want to die
I seem to meet, know or find the people who suffer the most. And why me, when I have nothing and can do nothing to help? An old friend of mine has been through a lot of hell in his life. He just found out through his dad admitting it, that his dad beat and kicked his mom while she was pregnant to try to kill him as a baby. And that’s why he never had his parents in his life. They hated him from the start. And he thought he had just reconnected with his mom, but I guess she was faking it because he got a good sum of money from his husband who died recently With which he took that money to buy a house. Then his family turned on him yet again, and once again put him out of a home – one that he paid for in full. He’s just one of my friends who live with constant suffering. 🙁
I feel that friendship is more fragile and more important compared to a relationship. I don’t know, but it’s like whenever my friends suddenly act cold, it hurts so fucking bad I just add a few more cuts just to be able to feel. Fucking hell it makes no sense.
Honestly, it really fucking terrifies my how much of a hold this person has over me. All she has to do is say a word, and I think I’ll just fucking crumble. She’s not even the person I’m in a relationship with. But I’d rather lose him than her. It’s really difficult and just tiring to try and stop myself from doing something to chase her away. I really couldn’t stand it if she hated me.
Sometimes when I feel like I’ve said something wrong and she goes all quiet, it just makes me hate myself all the more. She’s done this before last year. She was really close with me, and then suddenly the cold shoulder came for roughly 3/4 of the year. This time she’s gotten really close again, just after I’d gotten over the fact that I’d lost her.
Now I’m just afraid she’ll up and leave when I’m no longer needed.
It’s just kinda scary, and this lack of control just makes me want to cut more.
Does love really exist? I’ve wondered this many times. When I’ve dated guys and felt nice around them. When I’m with my grandma. When I think of dad. But then this feeling of emptiness comes along, and i hated it. Is that what love’s supposed to be? Emptiness? Why? Does mom feel like that when she thinks of me -if she ever does-? I hope not. I want her to only see the small good things I’ve done. they’re not so many but they’re something. Right? giving up my freedom wasn’t nothing, Right? God! If I had a dying wish it would be to hear her say those three words that no one’s ever said to me and actually meant it: I love you. But how can i ask her to lie. I hate liars but for once in my life, I wouldn’t argue it it was coming from her.
I have an event to go to on Tuesday and it’s kind of a big deal. I’m getting an award. But my producing partner just had her marriage of 10 years blow up and instantly started jumping into rebound sex with some actor who she plans to take to the red carpet event.
I should mention that she’s pretty damn attractive. Tall, thin, blonde, straight… she’s going to look great.
And here I am now not wanting to go because I’m going to be stag, and I’ve never hated my body more than I do right now.
So here I am genuinely looking online to find a non-sexual female escort for the evening that doesn’t mind being a woman’s date… and honestly, I’m not sure which situation sounds worse, and it’s not like I can afford it either.
I’m sure this would all seem like some whacky fun adventure you laugh at in hindsight, but it doesn’t help that I’ve never been more suicidally depressed in my life. I feel like I’m bailing water out of my soul to avoid getting to the point where I do just hang myself.
That day feels soon, and this doesn’t fucking help.
I’m going to get so fucking drunk at this thing and torpedo my career. I just don’t give a fuck anymore.
Well I’m planning to end my life in the next day or so because I just can’t take it any more. I’m not really sure why I’m even posting this but I feel someone should know how I feel at least. Things have been terrible for me since my mother’s death last March.
I’m 28 but because of severe anxiety and other issues have never had a job and thus have no money of my own so I’m stuck living with my father who I hat for many reasons and have hated for about 20 years. Not the least of these reasons is that he cheated on my mother who I was very close to and they were recently divorced when she died
I’ve already tried three times to kill myself and told my father how hopeless I feel about things and his only response is that he would prefer that I not kill myself but if that’s what I want I should do it.
I personally consider myself a writer and have started several books and have ideas for other that I feel could possibly one day be published but I just can’t keep living so alone with no one who cares
I feel like dying right now. That doesn’t have to do with the post but its true. If there was an instant death pill I could take i would. Since that isnt available im wondering about a natural anxiety remedy. Has anyone tried ashwaghanda? If so how has it gone/worked. I worry all the damn time and the increased cortisol and anxiety eating is slowing my weight loss. How does it compare to medication?(which i have hated personally) i checked examine.com and amazon reviews and they have positive things to say about it. Im going to at least try it. Still if anyone has anything personal to add please do.
Its been a while and ive came to the conclusion that nobody gives a fuck about me. And if the only way I can be cared about is if I was dead then so be it. Id rather be dead and loved then be alive and hated.
Counting the days till im gone made a post about family and how they play a hand in self harm and suicide. Dont know if this person is a guy or a girl but there right. Im in a simaler situation, but its probably not as bad. They are deffanatly fake and the deffanatly lie. I have done things to make them angry i cant lie about that but they where ready to disown me over something i posted online. Then my mom told everyone to mess with my head that was the worst. The truth is they hated me before any of this happend, they all hated me and i just thougt maby it just how they are, but i knew. They always talk shit about me behind my back and when i come around they pretend like nothings happening. When i confrount them about it they lie and say it never happend, or they find away to say its my fault. My mom said once “You give them a reason to make fun of you”. I got angry and gave up and i retaliated. They get away with it all the time why cant i. Eather way its to late, there so pissed they dont care if i kill myself. I dont want to give up but i have nothing. I want to dissappear, i can at least come up with some excuses as to why i cant see anyone. Then they wont have to deal with me and i dint have to feel as baad as i do. Right now im jist stuck, aand i have vary little hope but it still there. I just want it to all go away.
Tomorrow I go back to college. I haven’t done any of the work. Despite what my mum has been saying, it’s not due to me being lazy. I haven’t been able to concentrated, and I’ve wasted entire days spacing out and such (although a few people have told me it’s possibly depersonalisation or something -they have it themselves).
I’m not ready to go back to college, I couldn’t cope with daily life without the added pressure of college work. And I’m terrified of what my tutor will say about the work. It’s not like I can go up to her and be honest, saying ‘oh, hey, I couldn’t do your work because I just had too many emotional/mental breakdowns to count over Christmas, I sabotaged friendships because of irrantioal thinking that they hated me when they didn’t reply, I’m reaching the breaking point between me and my family, and I have been suffering terribly with hallucinations/delusions/paranoia/anxiety/emotions in general/etcetera.’
I don’t know what to do. I’m seriously considering dropping out of college; everything is overwhelming again.
I went out, was invited got buzzed felt crappy, i hated being there, i hated myself, everyone there knew how messed up i was. I was there for hours. They offered for me to stay sleep over.. But i just wanted home. So i walked in the cold and went home. I wanted to stay but I didnt. Maybe I’ll stay next time.
I’m going to keep this short, sweet, and unrelated to the norm. I want to write, and normally I don’t ask if it’s a good or bad idea. I generally just do it and say fuck the consequences, but this time is a little different. As you all can guess, it’s about a girl, and it’s complicated. First, a little update on how romance has been going in my life. The girl that has caused me so much sorrow and heartache has officially been given up on, and I have moved on. Now that’s out of the way, straight to why this shit be complicated (I use improper English on purpose sometimes, gives me a fake accent). This girl is new here, and I’ve been talking with her for the majority of the time she’s been around. She’s complimented me and all that jazz, ain’t that a good saying? and we’ve been getting along really well. Here’re the issues, A. Some guy that hated me before this ever happened now hates me even more because he thinks I’m moving in on “his” girl. B. I have always fucking sucked at relationships.
Thank ya’ll for readin’ (the fake accents are strong with this one) and even bigger thanks to those who comment with suggestions. Also, rocketman, how’ve you been doing buddy? Hope you checked out my Christmas post.
(TW mentions cutting)
I’m scared. I can’t shake this misery. I don’t know how to.
I’m so afraid of death but so afraid of carrying on with my life- is it just going to be like this from now on? Hurt piled upon hurt upon hurt and the remedy all in other people’s hands?
I don’t know how other people live. How do they know who they are? The only identity I have is my achievements and when I’m prevented from achieving (by rejection, by being overlooked, by not being WHAT PEOPLE WANT) my drive to live just runs out immediately.
This morning I cried and shrieked and hated everyone and myself and prayed and prayed for something to give me hope, some sort of comfort, something to change. It’s so scary to scream at the top of your lungs knowing nobody can hear and there’s no power behind it, it’s the scream of someone who is utterly unable to affect their own life.
Now I’m worn out and I’m just…here, existing, watching the time pass.
I know this. I’ve been here before. There’s always something I fixate on and it becomes the only thing that can save me from exactly this, this horrified endless stare into the pathetic thing that is my life. But I’m sure the agony was never as astonishing as this- it’s like everything is lost to me now. I’ve been cheated out of it and I don’t know how, I don’t know WHY. I just want it to stop.
I’ve tried to tell myself all the things you’re supposed to- that everything happens for a reason, that in five years none of this will matter. I believe both those things but somehow it’s irrelevant that I do- I’m lost in this moment and the fear that it’s not a moment, that this is how it really is from now on. I’m nothing- I’m a waste of a body- I’m forgotten- I’m overlooked- I’m shut out- I’m hated. I can’t escape that.
I looked at my arm, so scarred and white, but strong. I saw myself slicing it right open and I felt such longing, but just as equally I felt my mind rejecting the idea. No, then. Not just for the people I want to protect (and who I’m so sorry, so very very sorry, I can’t make reason enough to not have these thoughts) but for the ‘me’ bobbing around somewhere in the obsessiveness and unhappiness.
I am so afraid. if this is forever then there is no reason to live. Living can’t be anything. It would be a relief to die. But I can’t die. Why am I so afraid to die if I really am the empty nothing being I feel like?
Because I’m capable of SO MUCH joy. THAT is what hurts. I’ve felt it. And yet I can’t summon that joy for myself- I have to ACHIEVE it. And I’m being blocked from doing that. they aren’t just depriving me of opportunity- that would be painful enough in itself- but they are cutting me off from that happiness, the happiness that transforms me into a real person.
God save me. God save me. God save me. Let me have my hope back.