Today, is my 9th love anniversary as per Indian date – September 7. But he is no more. He is my best friend, and then my first love and we happened to fall in love during our college. Exactly after one month and one week of our relationship, I lost him to an accident. That’s where it all started. Depression. Feeling to end this life.
I’m so overthinking, so overly emotional, so sentimental. I have been this way since my childhood. I do not know how to handle my emotions even for smaller things. When I lost him, I felt my entire world became completely darker and I have reached a dead end. I do not know how to describe. Every day, I think of him, I relate things to him. I feel so much pain. I used to believe that I’m a widow because we had already planned so much about our future. I still feel so lost and empty. And no one can fill that void in my heart.
After that incident, I started missing him and loving him more and more. I remember his playful promise to marry me in my next birth. I still believe I would meet him and live with him in next birth.
This year, I became friends with my colleague and we shared our past stories to each other. He was so understanding and loving, and I’ve never met someone as matured, nice and smart as him. We fell in love. Initially I felt giulty as if I’m having an affair and cheating my first love. It’s been 7 months now.
I started to think of a future with him so badly, and put all the love into this rel that I couldn’t share with anyone all these years. But I still miss my first love. I keep talking about him to this new guy. I still think of my first kiss with my first love, his promises and all the memories that I made with him. Before starting this relationship, I told my current bf that I want to keep remembering my past because if I don’t, the love we shared would disappear from this world and no one would remember that we even loved. But I truly love and cherish my current guy’s presence in my life, and my love is true and I’m so crazy about him now.
But two days ago, during some argument, he mentioned – “You used this rel to cover up your past trauma, I already knew it and you just made it clear.”
I feel so broken over his words. I’m so madly in love with him, but I can’t help but thinking of my past rel. Because, I’m so used to thinking about past and it has became a habit for years now. I don’t know what to do. Love is not meant for me!
Today, it’s my anniversary and yes, these dates still do mean to me. I still feel like I’m in a relationship with my first love, because we never broke up. My current bf says it is not possible to love two people at the same time, and thinking of past is not acceptable in a relationship. But he knew what am I like when we started this. I want to share with him about this day, but I can’t given the recent fight.
I cannot forget my past. I still miss him, have his photo in my wallet, I keep in touch with his mom and sister so much, visit his home on every anniversary, I still feel like I’m that family’s daughter-in-law. I cannot change these feelings, it is just not possible for me.
Ever since that day of losing him, I have never wanted to live. I was just thinking to go on for my parents’ sake until they force me to marry. And I still feel the same. I never came out of that depression. Now that the current relation is going to end soon (there is no future together because of our families and we both agreed to stay together only until one of us is married), I’m considering suicide so seriously. This guy has made me want to consider dying more than the past, but it’s not like he is the only reason for this feeling. I just can’t accept another loss in my life and miss someone again, I do not have the energy.
Soon, his death anniversary is coming exactly after one month and a week from today. But this time, I’m out of country and cannot visit his family. I wish I’m not alive anymore for his next anniversary.