What my brain apparently told me today:
1. Get a small coffee but refill it way more times than you should. Repeat until hands tremble, and blinking no longer makes logical sense.
2. Hold the nearest pencil without dropping it, and draw a picture of Alan Ominous’s avatar on the back of your receipt.
(His avatar is “Crazy Eyes” from the Adam Sandler movie “Mr. Deeds”. Google it to see a plethora of eyes going in separate directions.)
3. Stop after 40 minutes, no matter how BAD the drawing looks. Ignore the buzzing sound in your head as you take a picture of the drawing and post it to SP, wondering how you’re going to apologize later.
4. Dammit, my coffee is empty. Why is my coffee empty? I need a refill.
5. Colors…. they sound like chipmunks.
This morning I found myself clutching my wrist. There was a bag of razors in the bathroom, my dad was watchin tv, it wouldn’t have been hard to just end it all right there. I dont want to kill myself, I want to be killed. I pray for someone to just run me over, to get my kidnapped by terrorists and shot in the head. I want someone to just do me a favor. Am I being selfish for wanting to leave my family? Do people on this earth really need me or am I just flattering myself? I just dont know anymore. I give up…
Lately I’ve been skeptical
Silent when I would used to speak
Distant from all around me
You witness me fail and become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I’d love to be the one
Disappoints you when I don’t fall down
But you don’t understand when
I’m attempting to explain
Because you know it all
And I guess will never change
But you might need my hand when
You’re falling in your hole
When I’m letting go of You and me
The rope is here
I’ll find a use
I’ll kill myself
Put my head in a noose
Slowly loosing care.
Losing consciousness, I’m barely aware.
A promise that was broken.
My life is the key,
This time is a rollercoaster, oh
I wish you were here.
Divulge myself into loathe and hate.
I won’t last much at this rate.
Lying, dying, yet not one use.
The inevitable truth is forever my fate.
Goodbye cruel world, I wish you well.
I’ll take the clasp of the reaper,
And I’ll see you all in hell.
Things won’t get better for me
They never will
Failure breaks a person
Pain keeps you in pieces
I have no other options
No where to go, no where to stay
All I feel is fear
Fear of others, fear of pain
Life is an uphill run
And everyone drags you down
Rake their nails in to your bare skin
And use your head as a step
But still there’s a serene feeling
When your lying sprawled on the ground
At the bottom of the hill
Some people blame themselves after failure
Some people blame the world
This is a place I’m not wanted
Nor a place I want to be
Death isn’t an escape nor a mercy
Death is a freedom
I just had a really weird mental image/clip. You know how in some cartoons or anime, a character’s morality is represented by an angel and devil… Well, my devil just shot the angel in the head at pointblank range then they disappeared.
They later reappeared and the angel committed seppuku (ritual cutting open the stomach) with the devil as the second (person who beheads the person whom committed seppuku.)
Is my subconscious trying to tell me something or am I just losing what is left of my mind? Rocketman, don’t you dare make a joke about how it’s not possible for me to lose my mind… If you do, I might just turn you into a literal rocket man by strapping you to one.
If I could I surely would, ease all of your pain.
But if I could no longer, would you still know my name.
And if I couldn’t drain the tears that pour from these eyes, would you turn your back on me ?
Or would you say goodbye.
If I couldn’t be the shoulder which your head would rest upon.
Would you still be waiting, or would you be gone ?
If I couldn’t keep the smile, forever on your face.
Would I still be around ? Or would I be replaced ?
You have me way beyond empty inside, awaiting my last day to arrive.
I’m way beyond empty inside, awaiting my end to arrive !!!!
So over the past few months I think about suicide daily, this was not me a year ago.
I’m alone most of the time, besides work, I’m 30 years, I have a lot of debt… But most of all its the loneliness.
I have a nervous breakdown Friday and Saturday night regularly. I go out toto try and meet people but as the sun goes down I can feel the panic and my mood start heading down hill so I quickly head for my car and rush home.
her bottomless pit
where all the guilt comes
hard for her
does she like it
she doesnt know
nod your head if its a yes
shake it if its a no
they are affection of showing how couples love
she ain’t related to them
she was high for a while
then she got down
I board my horses with a horse rescue and I frequently help them out with their rescue horses and things like that.
They found a home for a horse that would have otherwise gone to slaughter, but horses in kill pens have to be kept in quarantine because there are my illnesses that get spread around in the kill pen that you don’t want spread to your other horses. This particular horse was pregnant. We went out to check on her and found that she had gone into labor a month early, but her baby was stuck and dead, with the legs and head sticking out of her. We called the vet immediately and he came out there. He told the baby was too large because this small horse had been bred to a draft horse (which are very large horses). They had to get the baby out of her or it would decay and kill her so they had to cut its head off while it was sticking out of her and it was so horrible.
They couldn’t get her baby out with the tools they had in their truck so we had to load her in a trailer and take her to the vet. I held onto her while she hid her face in my armpit. I petted her and told her it would be all right and kept her calm. They took a machine behind her and starting pulling the baby out of her and it got stuck at the hips and the horse laid down and they were able to get the baby out. At first we were very worried because we couldn’t get her to stand back up so we kept pushing on her, but couldn’t get her up so the vet had to shock her in order to get her up. It was so horrible seeing her headless baby on the ground and she turned and looked at it then leaned against me and hid her face against me while they flushed out her uterus. The horse will be okay so that’s good, but overall it was a heart breaking experience for me.
In September, my uncle died.
In December, my cousin shot himself in the head.
In March, my dads friend died.
Two months inbetween each. Everyone is dying. I just keep wondering, who will be next? Will it be me? I wouldn’t mind if it was.
I fucking hate myself im so shit at almost everything i try even when i really try i still fail. I never apply myself, im lazy, i lack enthusiasm and drive, i think too much, i dont get the simpler stuff, im fucked in the head in some way or another or multiple i just know it.
Dont bother commenting or do but im going to bed so laters peeps.
… Well not really; it’s only a 2 hour drive, but still. My roommate and his girlfriend picked me up to head back to school after a weekend at home by myself with no ride. Now we’re 3/4 and we smoked a little bit, and we’ve been telling funny stories and laughing the whole way there. A minute ago 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins came on my iPhone. Now it’s Holiday by Weezer. Things are about to get terrible for me, but right now, in this moment, life is pretty damn good.
I’m falling hitting every branch on the way down
crash bang wallop rock bottom head pounding no sound are around pitch black look around it dark here nothing grows only pain a sorrow black smoke no rainbows
best friends Ray and he cuts flesh not deep enough to die just enough to feel alive watch the blood glide
it could be sunny out side by its raining in here
I have to go out to celebrate my Mother’s birthday… Such fun right?!?!?!? (sarcasm) I have to be around my brothers even more fun right?!?!?! I have to wear makeup (UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!) So fuck it throw on a Metallica top which is a hand-me-down which I ain’t ever giving away and fuck off my Mother she is what you call “Posh” and basically her head is so far up her ass your not too sure which end talks shit…. So that’s my plan for the evening hopefully I’ll be on later the only thing that i’m wearing that isn’t black is a plain blue singlet which is also a hand-me-down XD
Wish me luck and hopefully I don’t get arrested for attempting to murder my family at the restaurant.
I shall update soon :3 Hopefully before I go to bed <3
I was fine… for a while. I thought I would make my life easier by pushing away my friends. Now I’m alone- during school, at home- basically everywhere. Its been awhile since I last posted an update, because I felt better. But depression has reared its ugly head again, so here I am. Tonight is one of those nights when I just can’t snap out of it. All I can think about is merciful death. Absence from school is a common occurrence these days because of depression. This just makes it harder to catch up and maintain good grades. I have no motivation to do anything well- not even to live.
i think tonight’s the night to try again we’ll see how things go had enough of life i feel iv lived long enough you know when people say things get better when is that ? Happiness isn’t promised think I’m living with faults hopes with no plans for the future no goals just the battle everyday with myself this isn’t living life it’s just surviving another day and having to act like your doing fine and handling life but really your face down in the gutter drowning in thought trying to keep your head above water if this is how the rest of my life is going to be I don’t want it
I’m not feeling too great right now. I’m so lonely it hurts. I’m about to head to the gym, maybe I can work some of this off. I’m so tired of life…. I hate it. I hate it so much.
Well, I’m facing some hurdles. Hurdles I expected. I anticipated. Yet, they’re still pulling me under.
My dream, is fair and reasonable, yet seemingly unattainable.
I laid everything flat out for my wife. That I’m giving it a couple months. I’ll either be moved out of the house, or moved out of this body.
It’s not taken seriously. She just kicks me anyhow. My date is set. I intend to send a selfie as I begin my departure. Hopefully, that will be an everlong painful image printed in her head. Vindictive, eh, paybacks a mother fucker.
Really, I just feel bad for encouraging anyone here. I mean, I read your problems and suddenly it seemed I had answers. The delusional state got the best of me. I believed my own fallacy. To hell we go….