Ever want to walk past one of your co workers and just slap them in the back of the head as you go by???? I do I do!!! I cant stand that little sweet voice, hiding an evil mean person, that people don’t see past, because she is little and cute. All I ever hear is her talking crap about everyone. And for some reason she now thinks she is my boss even though I have been there 3 years longer. Driving me nuts
When you get annoyed and inpatient at everything and your head starts to get all jumbled up and you just feel like burning everything and beating something. And you kinda feel like your going crazy.
there’s a hammer pounding on the back of her skull
spiders crawling underneath her skin
She roams this God Forsaken land
covered in scars not deep enough to fatally wound
hands curled up into fists holding her head
Trying to erase herself
The person that she loves cant even comprehend the complexity of her pain
disregarded, like always until its to late
tear stained pillows, snot nose, blood shot eyes
its like the snake of despair bit her
marking her with its venom
For everywhere she goes she snuffs out some kind of light, within herself
she was made to walk this world alone
though all shes ever wanted was to never have been born at all….
It’s about that time again – you know, when depression rears its ugly head and you start researching extensively on the internet for exit strategies… Drunk on a saturday and feeling like I can’t escape. Of course I feel awful about leaving my family but really this cannot go on… The suffering and inability to function within society – like a puzzle piece that can’t fit in. I am so fucking tired of being gay which is essentially a death sentence or at least a life long curse of loneliness and harassment.
Normally I try to write better, wax some sort of whining poetic about romanticized suicidal tendencies. But I am a little too fucked up to care and all I can think of is how I wish I could just buy some more vicodin and find a way to slip away- the self loathing is just too strong and I know I’m not built for this world, that I’m too weak to survive in this dog eat dog society.
Fuck this rat race hell. Fuck the slavery of capitalism. Fuck the endless suffering. I am so tired so fed up with all of this nonsense! I’m tired of feeling like I am slowly disappearing and just waiting to die. I am tired of working 50 hours weeks to only be called a failure by my boss. I am tired most of all of being misunderstood. Because this mental health thing doesn’t mean I’m lazy or stupid! All it means is I was genetically predisposed to this torture, just like my great grandmother when she held a pistol to her head and pulled the trigger.
Epilepsy and suicide go hand in hand. In fact you are more likely to die from suicide if you have epilepsy than from the actual seizures. But I feel like in my own experience… The cognitive decline, the lifelong struggle, the uncertainty of whether you will lose unconscious at any given moment — who wouldn’t want to die? At the end of the day it can even be viewed as logical or rational. If you have a painful mole you get it removed? If you have a painful relationship you break up? So why is death not an appropriate answer to a painful past and a tortuous future?!
Clearly I am wrong – this is not rational. And SP is a way to map my decline, as the years turn and the death wish grows stronger. I am sorry for my anger. But it is only a reaction to my thoughts and this endless frustration. I wake up and I imagine myself jumping in front of trains everyday when I commute to work. I imagine myself ordering drugs from the dark web and intentially overdosing. I imagine my death a million times, in a thousand different ways, but eight attempts later I am still here, a failure, basically a zombie. I should not be alive and do not deserve to live. I don’t enjoy life, I certainly don’t take advantage of it. So why wait to die? The fact that it gets better may be the biggest lie. Things fall apart. Life falls apart. It has only gotten worse for me.
I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. I can’t bear to hurt my family again but I can’t keep going through the motions. Wake up, suicide thoughts, train, suiciee thoughts, work, suicide thoughts, coffee break, suicide thoughts, lunch, suicide thoughts, etc.. It never ends!
I am tired and so close to the edge. My thoughts scare me. I have nowhere to turn. I want the courage to die but I wish I had the courage to live. Above all I wish I was happy. I wish I wasn’t so sad all the time. I wish I could enjoy life.
I’ve always had an addictive personality. I’ve fought addiction to various drugs, alcohol, things that most people wouldn’t consider addictive like green tea, or Gatorade. Basically I can create a habit anywhere, with anything.
My most recent addiction, false hopes. Now I don’t mean being overly optimistic. I mean, hanging on to an idea that has less than 0.01% chance of happening. It’s what has kept me going lately. The downside, every time reality rears its ugly head, it’s soul crushing.
Maybe I’m delusional?
Had enough of theses four walls had enough of the same shit different day wake up go college going to work etc is this all there is to life ? What is our real purpose for being here apart from destroying the earth and destroying our selfs and then living another 50 years of being unhappy or like someone said on here to slave away to buy a house then call your self free but then your not really free because your stuck with a heavy mortgage over your head then your just living to pay that of but you have to want to live to do all of that but in the end we are all going to die anyways so what’s the point ?
Do you ever have one of those nights where all of the thoughts that you try to keep in the back of your head come out all at once and all you want to do is cry? Well, that’s literally me as I’m typing this. But I wanna know, what are some things that distract you? Or even make you happy? This is starting to become a weekly habit and it needs to stop now.
I’m pretty sure it was a month or 2 ago that I made a post saying that I was hopefully leaving this world and that it could very possibly be my last post. Nope. It didn’t pan out the way I would’ve wanted it to so I’m still here. Around the time I found out it wasn’t going to happen my mother took notice for once of my depression. So it was about 4 years ago that my mother moved me away from my friends and I haven’t made any since, partially due to my social anxiety but also a lack of opportunity. Anyway my mother got it into her head that my lack of friends was at the root of my depression, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t have a part to play, it certainly isn’t at the root though but that’s a story for another time. She had me get on a bus and travel almost 10 hours to my home town to see my friends in attempt to make me happy again; It didn’t work. I spent a month there and in that time I actually lost my only friends. My mother finally came to pick me up and on the way home I very bluntly told her I wanted to kill myself and my reasons why, her initial reaction was to shrug it off. Later that week she broke down in tears and told me that I two options: seek therapy, or she would send me to a mental institution. Since I already have plans to shoot myself in the head with a shotgun this summer I couldn’t go with the second option and I’m not really one for therapy I didn’t want to go with option one either. So I took advantage of her bad memory and convinced her that I hadn’t said I was going to kill myself, only that it was something I considered but only as a last resort if I can’t put my life together. It got her off my back and now I can carry out my plan this summer, which is only possible because my hair-brained hunter brother bought a shotgun and wants me to try shooting a shotgun for the first time and because I’ve worked up the courage I needed to not be dependant on having a partner. Unlike my previous post I can rest assured that the next time I say goodbye on this site, it will be for good.
I have a decision to kill myself in the head but at the same time I have people who are trying to help me. They want to add psychoanalyst to my psychologist and psychiatrist. Also I am supposed to have a support person who would meet me I don’t know once a week. I feel like its too much. Too many people putting their nose into my business. And it feels like so much effort for nothing.
I don’t see anything changing my mind. Of course I can’t tell them my real thougths. Or maybe I should. I am hospitalized already… Ah I’ve been thinking what about people who are too depressed to post on SP, even if they come here? I don’t think I am really depressed but I have trouble expressing myself here too. *it was a change of topic I know* It bothers me that whatever I say they still want to help even more.
Ewh… Whatever can’t make this post work. But maybe some of you are also over crowded with helpers.
I just don’t know anymore everyday seems to be more of a struggle how do people live years with suicidal thoughts ? I started having them like 4 years ago and last year I started to act on them in not afraid of dying no more I’m more afraid of living right now it’s kind of sad well I guess this is how my story meant to go and I’m ok with that I think in my life iv had more down days then up days and last year was the loneliest year of all and to be honest the loneliness is killing me more then anything and being trapped in my own head sucks if I have to go though the rest of my life like this I rather go now if I knew my life would of turned out like this I would have killed my self years ago
I feel as if it’s only a matter of time before I try another attempt I can’t take being trapped in my own head anymore I think depression is a battle u win if u got the motivation to not give up I’m tired of fighting and nothing going right I literally have no motivation to save my self no more I always sabatage things and I hate myself of that I don’t understand why I do it some thing break that you can’t fix and having to live with the mess after I can’t take the pain anymore
I’ ve written here once before how I was going to kill myself by train. http://suicideproject.org/2015/12/suicidal-but-not-depressed-2/ Surprise, surprise I survived going in front of the train. Don’t know how it is possible, but here I am. They must build weird trains here.
I first became concsiously aware of myself in the mental hospital and I don’t remember going to suicide nor being in the hospital/half of mental hospital. I had head trauma and broken coral bone and that’s it. I wish I had died and don’t know what to do now.
I still don’t want to live but I am short of ideas what to do. Damn trains were supposed to be reliable.
I play with the idea that I go abroad and be homeless until I starve to death but it is not very appealing.
… Are there more suicide failures like that?
Well, here is Day 4 of Music. This one is from a live-action children’s show. Examp- This post has been hijacked by the group, Destructive yet Thought-Provoking Nihilism. Please listen to The Happiness Committee song, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWIjvPuY2jo and en- This post has been retaken by the organization, Censorship of Reality (And Why It Su… Transmission Terminated. Standing By.) Please excuse us while we enlighten our head writer *gunshots heard*… Moving on, please listen to our intended broadcast.
Hello my deceased father, are you going to help me kill him or kill me? You’re standing in front of my bed talking to me in a voice I do not understand and sounds so foreign. The image of you is so clear it’s like you have been resurrected from the dead to see me one more time, I cannot tell if I am dreaming or awake, this is so surreal. I have to say it is nice to see you again father, even if I do not know your intentions.
Peering out my bedroom window to see my expensive exercise equipment on the lawn of my neighbours house, why is it there and why is she taking it from me? Always left with more questions than answers. Flash back to an unknown mansion, I am surrounded by gorgeous people and we are at a table sitting, they are all staring at me in a bizarrely, commenting on how weird I look and all my imperfections. I’m starting to get anxious and wondering why I am here, it seems to have a pornographic scene feel to it all and am starting to wonder if I’m the sideshow of some strange audition. I then find myself in a conversation with one of the models, she is telling me who maimed me and that he’s right over there, sitting in the corner with a grin on his face, I lunge out of my chair and straight at him, my hands firmly grasp his pathetic throat as I strangle him and unveil a large blade in which I proceed to sever his head, slicing back and forth back and forth until I am manically laughing with his expressionless dead face in my hands. I am filled with joy. Vengeance.
Just a typical dream for me in my little night world :).
I AM DEATH! Make way one and all
Give me way, for here’s my queue
I am the cliff from which you will fall
From the tears of the beloved, I’ll make myself a devil’s brew.
I’m here, there, I’m everywhere;
Don’t try escaping, for your destiny is locked and I have the key
A baby, a mother, a wee puppy, your lover?
This is the face I use to show I care
Fight me not, just let it be.
I make big men cry,
I make demons laugh
I’ll take your loved ones, don’t ask me why
For like a carpenter does with wood, from you I’ll make a craft.
Come to me, for I have the answer
I’m a serpent, an eagle; I prey on the free, fake and feeble
I’ll gun you down, beat you senseless
I’ll tie the rope, I’ll give you dope
For more than a thousand demons I am evil.
He loves you, he loves you not
In a matter of seconds, I’ll give you life anew
Here’s the gun, there’s your head
Don’t be afraid, join the queue
And when it has all been said and done
I’ll show you fun, I’ll give you pleasure
I’ll be your moon and your sun,
And you will forever be my priceless treasure.
its probably only me but I just find life too hard. I hate the way my mind works, I just see the bad in everything and feel like I cant fit in with these happy go lucky optimistic people.
I wish there was a way to talk about issues and improve things before they got so bad. But when I was a teenager, I thought they were already really bad, was struggling back then and I didnt want to admit to anything because that would put me in a deeper hole that I already was in.
Just wish there were people that could have helped me when I was younger. I guess my parents didnt have any alarms going off in their head when they saw me alone in my room with a bitter attitude 🙁
Depression isn’t a mental illness many people understand, this is the problem with society because depression is just a big joke to some. The mental pain of knowing your unloved and that your not beautiful, you could go a whole day with getting told your beautiful but when it comes to the night and your all alone sitting down in bed all you can think of is the hurt and the abuse you get within your head, the voices telling you what they want you to hear. No one should feel this way, it’s horrible being in thus bug black hole with no ending or way out because your stuck with this horrible depression and it don’t seem like it will go away but there is a way out you just have to find it in yourself to get out.
Take heart, my little friend
And push back your seat
Soon we’ll be far away
Far from the street
Where you learned how to be
Not what you are
Up on the shoulder
There is a town
With a little motel
And an old movie house
We’ll go to a movie
Whatever it is
Watching the movie
The world’s gonna end
And there ain’t no place for
A boy and his friend
I’ll pick some daisies
From the flower bed
Of the galaxy theater
While you clear your head
I thought some daisies
Might cheer you up
I’ve been feeling like shit lately, turns out holidays and depression isn’t a good combination.Today was shittier than most, just one of those days you know? My parents know about my depression so they got me antidepressant and a roster of other goodies to turn those frowns around. Did you know if you take a lot all at once you feel shittier because they aren’t working and they just sort of numb you but it’s more depressing because you have to realize the only way to handle pain is popping useless pills. So then you grab a razor or a gun and you hold it to your head or wrist and just stay at a stand still and think is today that day? So I’m at a stand still with the typical dilemma on the interweb site. Is today that day?
I’m planning on leaving the 31st. The fact is that I don’t think I can even last that long. All I know is that I will not live to see another year without my friends and family that are already gone. This will probably be the last thing I write here. I’m just going to shoot myself in the head and I’ll finally be free from all of the bullshit.