In both cases, I have many secrets.Â Many told and twisted, others kept in shame.Â I could make this post very long and quite wordy; however, I will leave out as much shame as necessary.Â First off, everything in my life seems perfect.Â Too perfect. I have a great husband, great dogs, house paid off, little debt, and all of the other “blessings” we all find in this world.Â We live a quite normal life, as much as we can anyways.Â But, I am still sad..all of the time.Â Over and over, I think about how much I should not be sad, should know my blessings and should be appreciative.Â On to the background and strings that weave this perfect life.
I have been married twice. To the same man.Â My mistake again. Not the marriage, but rather the causing of a divorce and remarriage.Â I am young, not older by any means and am happy to say I was given a second chance… But am I?Â Mistake.. I cheated.Â A lot.Â Not happy about it in the least, who would be after such a catastrophe?Â I made more mistakes.Â I am not a nice person.Â EvenÂ after the husband took me back, I am still not nice.Â Yes, I am being faithful; however, I do not always speak kind and most of my days are not filled with happy words towards my forgiving husband.Â I regret most of everything I say, to him and others.Â Â Â He is the kindest, gentlest, most honest, and forgiving-filled individual I have ever met.Â Everyone loves him and everyone believes he is very nice.Â He is.Â Too nice.Â I, on the other hand, try- I do… I try to control my silly words and make his days better.Â Sadly enough, this does not happen.
I wish I could list all of my mistakes, but I cannot.Â Your eyes would get heavy before I was even close to finished and you would not want to continue.Â I will post my most recent sad thinking and lead from there I suppose.Â I could elaborate on how my heart fights with the fact of Christianity on a daily basis, but this too would be a very long topic and most I find would not be interested.
Now, to give one more knot in the deal.Â I just recently found out I am pregnant.Â No, my emotions are not being controlled due to this little one, as I can honestly say; I have dealt with these emotions prior to pregnancy..often.Â I do not want to feel to be a selfish person, but I am.Â I try to help others, but rather say things that are not helpful.Â I try to be kind, but say things that are not.Â Mistakes from my past float in my mind every day….Â which brings me to the most horrible thought I could ever think of.Â Why do I get a blessing as a beautiful baby, when all I have ever done is screw the blessings away?Â I will not be a good mother, not in terms of being scared, but why would anyone want a baby to be around someone that is depressed and has a mean conscious.Â My husband is the happiest man on the earth and has wanted a baby for the past few years.Â I did too.Â I was initially happy, but then thought of how I am.Â It is sad, but…this little blessing is much better off without me.