There’s no easier way to say this – I need help. I don’t care who, what, when, where, why or how, I just care that I get help. I don’t get how everyone can say there is so much help you can get out there when every time I try to seek help, I fail. Is it the universe’s way of telling me that I’m hopeless and can’t be helped or I don’t deserve to be? Because that is how it feels. The amount of times that I have tried to reach out to a professional and been unsuccessful is not okay. It genuinely confuses the fuck out of me but oh well. All this supposed help out there, why is there none for me? Like I used to just want to be able to chat with someone but now I actually seriously need help, need advice and need a professional as my shit has developed. So I’ll say it again, somebody please help me because I sure need it!
My suicide note. I’m still working on it. I’m still waiting for help even though I know I’m only fake hoping. I don’t have a purpose anymore. Living is a torture every single day. I set myself a date. I planned everything. I’m pretty hopeless.
Anyways. Here you go, enjoy? I don’t know. Do whatever you want to do with this:
Hey. It’s me. I’m that shitty girl who killed herself because she’s a weak-ass depressed kid who’s only great at complaining and seeking for attention. You probably heard about me now, you’re probably gossiping about it. Anyways, I’m writing this letter because soon enough I’ll be gone. And soon enough drama will come, people will care, blaming themselves for not caring at all. Soon enough, people will question everything, and ask why. Oh wait, not soon enough. I forgot, I’m already dead, has drama started yet? How’s it? Don’t worry okay? This is going to be fun, we’re going to get through this. Word by word. Letter by letter. I’m going to tell you, why I ended my life. You see, I experienced the worst pain. A pain you could never imagine how hurtful it is. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. A pain that caused me to say that it’s easier to end my life, than live a life I never wanted, a life that I didn’t choose. The life that made myself… me. What do you expect me to do? How do I react if I never felt like my life is worth living?
So hey, I know some cared. I may hate myself, maybe I’m quite stupid, maybe what they say is indeed true. But I think people actually cared, just not enough. Is that right? Well, forget it. I will never know anyway, well literally because you can’t tell me after, I’m still dead. You see, I hate not knowing what to believe anymore. I hate not knowing what’s real. Maybe I just wanted someone to actually care and maybe that someone, approach me for once, and say, “Hey, are you going to kill yourself? Please no, please I care. Please don’t do that. I’m not going to leave you until you beat this.” Well, I guess that’s not gonna happen. It’s never gonna happen. In reality, it’s only my words anyway. To be honest though, someone actually said something similar, but they didn’t stay, they didn’t actually cared. They lend me a hand, the next day they thought everything was already fine. There’s no drama, therefore they let me fall. They said they miss me, but never made an effort to contact me, to ask how I’m doing?. I’m always the one who approaches them. They never knew what’s going on with my life, they never knew me at all. Isn’t that right friends? Bullshit. Lies.
People are stupid. I know I am too, but when it comes to reality and not just those shit they teach at school, they’re hopeless. You guys never understood suicide, you never will. Not until you become one like me and end up being a fucked-up, am I right? You think just because I don’t have a big reason to kill myself, just because I don’t have cancer or whatever shitty worse problems other people have, they’re the only ones that has the right to suicide. That only they’re allowed to use a rope, a gun, or a blade to kill themselves. It’s not how it works. Suicide doesn’t work like that. You can’t expect me to have the same tolerance level as yours. I have my own tolerance of pain too. Just because you didn’t felt what I felt, just because you see my pain as a small problem, doesn’t mean you’re stronger than I am?. I see it as something so hurtful. Depression is a silent killer. It doesn’t mean that if you can’t? see or feel it, it isn’t there. No, you can’t call me weak just like you fucking did. Like what you guys fucking did just because I’m scared of the pain. You can’t call yourself strong just because you can live your shitty life and that others like me decided to end theirs too. That I decided to end mine. It makes you a fucking coward. It makes you an asshole. You have no idea how much I tried to fight before I even gave up. You never knew me, you only see me as someone who lost a fight. The same as how you fucking called? me stupid, you guys don’t know how hard I was trying. Instead of helping me you guys decided to call me stupid. Shouted at me. Embarrassed me in front of the class. ‘Teachers’? Yeah right. But hey I can’t blame you though, instead, I’m going to live up with the title stupid. Oh wait, not live up, because I’m dead. I died, I died with the label stupid. They will remember me as a stupid piece of shit, a pain in the ass. Thanks for helping me destroy everything, my confidence, myself. I learned that I really am hopeless, I know that now.
You see (*insert names*). When people are different; More specifically, different from you. You instantly think they’re a disgrace, a thing that you can just throw around not knowing they have feelings too. That when, for example, a girl fucking had sex with someone in her teenage years, they’re already a slut. And if they don’t agree with you, you immediately label them as, assholes and ignorants. The funny thing is though, you guys are one of the most ignorant assholes I’ve ever met. Wake the fuck up, you’re not the basis of normality. People like you don’t deserve to be praised. You are no different from people who actually killed somebody. You won’t get anything from backstabbing, you won’t get anything from bullying others. The moment you judged other people; that moment when you judged me. You killed my soul. You killed my individuality. You killed me. Society killed me. You guys kill suicidal people. You destroyed me just because I was being myself.
I killed myself because nobody made me feel alive. Nobody saved me from dying, you didn’t try hard enough. When you guys are killing me, when I was dying. It just never stops. The worst thing is though, it also gets worse every second. Don’t worry. You guys aren’t alone, the world itself is a fucked up. You guys see me as a happy little shit. I smiled at you, told you how my day ‘went well’. I even tried approach you when you were fucking sad and cheer you up. Some pushed me away but that didn’t stopped me from helping, from being friends with you. You even saw my biggest smile, heard my loudest laugh. I’m quite disappointed to see on how stupid you are. You never saw me behind those. Did you even care? Because I’m a lonely ass person who relied on my fake friends. You don’t even know me, you never asked how I’m doing. You never tried to contact me just to fucking catch up. You miss me? Fuck you. You never knew what was going on with me. You never knew I’m depressed, you were supposed to be there when I needed it. You were supposed to call me because I was suicidal or because I was cutting myself again, because I was fucking attempted so many goddamn times to end my life. Oh, you didn’t know that? I never knew what to do or how to deal with depression. You were supposed to help me but nobody bothered to. Isn’t that what friends are for? Family then? No? Well I know what exactly friends are for. You aren’t friends. I’m so fucking lucky to even find real friends across the world. They’re fucking across the world, countries away from me. But I trust them more than you guys. And I never trusted anyone for so long because you broke my trust. You broke my spirit. Now you care because it’s too late. Now tell me if I’m still your laughingstock. But don’t worry, I don’t give a fucking damn anymore. I tried to understand you, because I know behind your attitude are people in their shitty lives. I tried to understand you guys, if I didn’t, then you probably end up like me. And you have no idea how painful it is.
Sometimes I wonder if really did wasted my life, if I should’ve done this sooner. Because right now, society is a mess. Society is an asshole. Everyone is an ignorant. If you knew that someone is gay, you immediately criticize them, and laugh at them for being themselves. You make the word ‘gay’ feel like it’s an insult. And quote something like they will go to hell because god told them not be gay, because being gay is a sin technically. Nobody seemed to care. If there’s someone with depression asked for help, you see them as just seeking for attention. You will tell them to just get over it, move the fuck on because it’s that easy isn’t it? In the end, if they ended their lives, you now suddenly care, you give ‘sympathy’ towards them because they decided to end the pain. You fucking hypocrites?. You guys care when it’s too late. You only act when it’s over. You’re gonna wait until suicidal people die before you move. And you think this is a phase? You think depression and suicide is phase? Well it’s? not. WAKE. UP. You can’t get over depression. It’s not a shitty ass thing that you can get over with this overwhelming pills that my psychiatrist told me to take. Suicide is real, and you can’t stop it. It always pull you back no matter how hard you try to run. Because you know, it was my problem at first. But unexpectedly, it became my last solution.
why is school so hard? I’m not meaning academically but the people, I can’t help but feel judged and people look at me and laugh and it doesn’t help that I hate my body but today was awful. In Spanish I sit by two socialites and they always try to talk to me in a nose way and today they kept looking at me and laughing. Every time I did I only tried to hide my face and go away. It’s so hard to ignore these people and no one seems to get it my friends don’t help or anything and I just feel like I’m not needed and I can’t talk to anyone because I don’t want to bother them because they look at m and I wish to disappear. I just wish I could leave these people are mean and rude and I don’t like them. I’m not a jock I’m not skinny and I don’t wear make-up because I always feel worse with it on like I made some mistake while I was wearing it. I really am just tired of it all I want to leave and disappear and I just can’t stand the thought of living anymore. I want to talk to someone but they don’t understand or they don’t help at all.
Well, the title pretty much says it… I plan on saving up my money to get a gun and end it… maybe even take some pain killers while I’m at it so I don’t feel anymore pain as I pull the trigger…
I’m just sick of everything, I’ve been trying for years to keep going, to find reasons to keep going but, I haven’t had any reason to live in my entire life. No one wants me around, no one would ever miss me… and I’ve been told I should just live for myself but, I’m not like that… I’m not selfish, I can’t even think selfishly without it eating away at the core of my soul and twisting and contorting my thought process into madness.
Many will probably comment that I’m a selfish pig that should die already or that I don’t even deserve to exist or something else of that sort… I’ve heard just about all of it… I have been called a “Worthless Piece of Shit!” by my father, ex-step-father, teachers/students, and an ex-co-worker of mine as well… So many have said it, so it must be true, right? So, I am a worthless piece of shit… and that means that I don’t even deserve to exist! I need to be erased… I will be forgotten with time… No one will miss me, no one will love me, no one will care about me, no one will notice either… I just hope it works this time… I’m tired of feeling only pain… it’s all I’ve ever truly felt throughout my years of existing in this world of hate. I have already attempted suicide countless times and no one notices, no one cares, no one wants to help… and I’m always screaming for someone, anyone to help me… but, my pleas always go unanswered and I am always ignored… I just can’t keep going anymore… and I am truly sorry… but, I have lost, and they have won… it is game over for me…
Throughout my life I have been hated,
despite my efforts of approval of others.
Pushing myself beyond my limitations,
it was never enough, not even for my parents.
Abused, and bullied, I was never loved nor needed.
Rented to mental hospitals,
only to be tortured and experimented on.
No memories of happiness are inside my head,
only frequent reminders of hate.
No friends or moments of joy nor compassion.
Nothing to live for, no hope, no dreams, no desires.
I have nothing in my wake and even in my sleep,
the nightmares are there to hurt me more.
I end my life on this promising note.
I shall end the nightmares,
I shall end the pain,
I shall end the suffering,
I shall stop caring anymore.
Forever gone from this world, I shall be,
For once, I will be at peace with heavenly tranquility.
Honestly, whats the point anymore? i hate life, and life hates me, who gives a damn if i go to hell. im already living in it, i can deal with it. And i wouldnt doubt it being better than my own pathetic life. If anyway i wanna go is going to be overdosing, cuz my mom has a big bottle of sleeping pills, and i could easily kill the whole bottle. Cant do a rope, since i dont know how to tie a noose, and i dont know where i could i put the rope, to hold my fat ass. Cutting too deep, i dont think i have sharp enough blades, and knowing my parents would knock on my door, being bitches as they are to me. And jumping…where could i jump off, and how would i get there. I dont want any movie crap, where police and firemen come to the building, saying “oh how i deserve to live” or “it gets better”. no FUCK that, ive been wait since 4th or 3rd grade. Almost 5 years of people saying, “its get better” dont give me that shit! I dont give a damn about myself, im prepared and ready to die. I just need the right date.
P.S. Feeling empty is better than feeling worthless,depressed,stupid, ETC.
Reason To Live: I Love You All <3