What do I do when my mother tells me to go live with my father, but my father has been absent for 5 years? What am I supposed to do when non of my parents want to be fucking responsible for the human being they brought to this fucking world? Where do I go?
This starts from where I left off, I will try to be brief. I especially don’t like to dwell on this, though I often don’t have much of a choice.
I got chlamydia from a guy. I tried to be safe, but I won’t go into those details.
I suffer from urethritis, which isn’t contagious. It just means I still experience irritation daily, but not all the time.
I don’t know how much of this is his fault. I didn’t hear this from him, but I was told by his ex that he was sexually abused as a child. Then he got kicked out during the time I had known him. I had gotten kicked out at varying points too. It’s just a fact that more gay people experience homelessness, sexual abuse, and suicide.
I remember my father saying “so youre going to become another statistic” at some point regarding depression and suicide. How easy it is to make a symptom into the cause itself. As if I just decide to be depressed, and being denied a stable environment (or a home at all) shouldn’t be depressing.
My father also said “well you weren’t HOMELESS homeless”. I get a kick out of that. If they don’t recognize how hurtful it is to have no place to go, with no rhyme or reason for why this is happening, then they don’t deserve a son. Now that Ive become more established, I see they’re trying to smooth things over.
For better or worse, I can’t move on, because this pain won’t leave me. I can put on a good face when I can, but when the pain comes, it still has significance to me.
If this pain doesn’t go away, I WILL hold my parents responsible for what happens to me. I knew something bad was going to happen- I called it. The abuse continued. It wasnt sexual or normally physical, but it’s given me a different outlook. I feel like an oddity, and I’d like to speak more on that on a later post.
Mainly, I don’t feel a depression that is vulnerable or insecure. I feel resentment. I feel like my death would have a reason. And no, I never wanted to be a statistic, but up until this point, I never had a say, and I have been a statistic nontheless.
Well I convinced my mum to get a one bedroom place and a cheap one has popped up and on the other note I bought a people mover diesel van where the seats fold down swivel around into a bed. I have decided I can live like a camper for a while which comes with added responsibilities and room for struggle of loneliness and growth who knows I might meet some great people or tourists on my ventures.
I plan to get a gas cooker, tinned food, rice water etc and live cheaply around the country for a while I might even be able to save some money. Just pop in to camp sites for a friendly chat and shower and clean clothes.
It sounds pretty exciting I’ll even kindle a few good reads on the net. First I have to service and change the cambelt of this thing and do the oil seals. There can be seasonal work at times but I can easily get a certificate to show I’m unfit for work. A radio the internet and a phone and I can still stay in touch with the world.
I have chosen this because I have been extremely suicidal lately and the voices have been pushing me around a bit. It maybe a bit of a relief to actually get out and be pretty self sufficient. My psychiatrist will be referring me to a gp soon too as they feel I’m getting better but knows about how sick and schizophrenic I can become if I work full time which I know sounds pathetic but if anyone has ever been super delusional and not slept for 3dayz and not even sleeping pills work its insane. So I’m trying to do the best I can I would like to be a mobile mechanic someday and fix cars for a few days a week but then trying to find a company to employ me just for a few days a week sounds pathetic until I’m competent to fix them all by myself.
Then I became all grandiose the other day and thought if I did become a mechanic I could do volunteer work for special citizens who can’t afford like one day a week.
I’m trying to not suicide badly from going from having an awesome stable life and job and marriage to mental health and losing everything and now living out of a van and starting over again. Just this time a little more awakened and the veil pretty much removed from this world and the next.
Time screws with me as I have always rushed and wanted things asap but I will take my time now. Anyways I’m pretty excited to be on my own, even if ones dreams and life has been shattered by mental health and pretty much lost all hope I’ll see if I can at least live and at least try to live a life that will dig me out of depression and suicide. Instead of compulsively thinking of suicide I can compulsively think of fixing cars and helping others. Hope I’m not being all grandiose on anyone. Just want to fuck my x wife fuck all my friends that don’t chat to me because I became dillusional on Facebook and fuck my brothers for not even having the decency to chat with me. 🙂
This story is 100% batshit nut TRUE STORY. and its pretty queer and peculiar but here it goes……I NEVER thought I would be so unhappy in life but I realized shit hit the fan in my life from the beginning ….
BOTH of my parents conceived me in the state mental hospital and I was born in 1988 and was adopted
I have been homeless for over 2 years since 2011. and I tried to commit suicide 4 times too. I suffered a lot of emotional torture from being a crossdressing punk rocker who was raised in a adopted close minded conservative home , that I moved out of in 2006. I got made fun of a lot in the homeless shelter for being a crossdresser and actually tattooed the word stupid ****** onto my right arm just too shock the fucking shit out of people & I didn’t care what they thought about me. and it actually worked too.
I actually tattoed myself beause I really hated being transgender and never thought that I would end wanting to crossdress like that and also because I wanted to shock people with my crazy tattoo. but now that tattoo is making me feel really depressed and suicidal so I am having it removed.
AMAZINGLY though , I DID NOT feel that way about my tattoo until recently.
I also have borderline personality disorder like my parents who both have mental illnesses too and cant seem to be happy and have been like this since 2010. when I lost my job due to my depression.
I have admitted myself to psychiatric hospitals and had terrible side effects from about 17 different psych. medications I took between 1995-2014. I don’t take any psych meds now though. because of a little brain damage from taking them.
I think about suicide ALL day long EVERY single day. However I do believe that suffering teaches me WISDOM the same way as in Buddhism and eastern culture.
Without Suffering I learn NOTHING. So if someone is reading this . just be glad your not me and if your suicidal like me. just know that life can always be waaaaay fucking worse than it probably is for you OR me right now.
and right now I am staying with some open minded family and I hope I can remain unhomeless for as long as possible.
However sometimes I still feel very ambivalent with my suicidal thoughts even with mantras life still seems OVERWHELMINGLY DIFFICULT for me and YOU. but I think that T.V and fucking fairy tail movies and media make us think that life is supposed to be easy . when YOU and me know its NOT.
LIFE is NOT supposed to be easy for ANYONE or ANYTHING.
I hope this helps me by writing this and I maybe I can inspire someone else to think more deeply about being suicidal. and if not I hoped you thought it was at least interesting.
I see absolutely no point of being around.I just keep forgetting that and end up backing out of suicide before its to late.I cant keep doing that.Im not meant to be was never meant to be.My oldest sister will be leaving soon off to college i will never hear or see her again.I cant deal with that.
If i continue to live i will be homeless or institutionalized.My best friend says shell take care of me but she cant take care of herself let alone can i.I dont know how to survive this world.I cant survive this world.Ive thought of seeing if i can hang myself tonight dont know if ill do it but id sure like to.Overdosing has failed me i will have to figure out some other way.Theres got to be another way cause this simply will not do.I love my family but i cant keep scaring them with failed attempts.Theres got to be an end to all this a way out.I cant go back to the mental hospital either.They just like to inject with psych meds then send you home half suicidal.When my mom leaves i will see if i can hang myself.If not then on friday ill drink a bottle of pinesole and say goodnight
I hate it when people say: ‘suicide isn’t the answer, life gets better’…..
(if suicide isn’t the answer then someone plz tell me what the f#ck the answer is
my life isn’t guaranteed to get better believe me my life can get worst )
I hate it when people say: ‘people who commit suicide are cowards’
(people who commit suicide are some of the bravest people yet I bet if people had to put up with half the things suicidal people go through they’d go crazy)
I hate it when people say: ‘don’t kill yourself you have so much to live for’
(some people are poor, homeless, have no family , have been repeatedly raped, are terminally ill and disabled Â so don’t anyone dare say EVERYONE has Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â ‘ something’ to live for )
This is YOUR life end it if you want to
(sorry I just needed to rant)>_<
If I could try to describe the way I feel it would be like an egg without anything inside. Then imagine that same egg being put under intense pressure. smashed broken and shattered….Its like this feeling in the center of my chest….not physical pain….but it just feels like darkness and despair. Â I can laugh at things that make me laugh but its absent of happiness…. I cant genuinely smile at anything. I don’t appreciate or value anything life has to offer. The sunlight has become dull and gray and when its dull and gray outside that is sunshine to me. A flower looks like a weed. each second is a reminder that I am further and further from the past. Ive lost all zest for living….It just seems so dull to me…..there is also a rage that I hold back the best I can. Its the urge to literally destroy myself… each time I see myself in a mirror this urge increases bit by bit. Anytime I think about my reality It boils.
Reasons to commit suicide
- IÂ don’tÂ love myself or self hatred
- I have low self esteem
- I lost all my friends
- irreversibly damaged reputation and social standing with family
- future is bleak
- No ambition or motivation to set goals
- So much regret for pass choices and decisions
- inability to forgive myself and move on
- credit score is in the trash
- hard to get and keep a job and contribute financially to household
- burden on family members
- I hate living day to day repeating the same shit (eat,shit,sleep,wake-up,repeat)
- I hate being weak
- I am fearful of what my future will most likely become (homeless,broke,ostracized,lonely etc)
- Pain of remembering the past and unable to return
- I hate knowing I am a failure in life
- To get rid of all my pain
- given up hope that things will get better
- life and its bullshit is fuckin pointless
Reasons to live
- family would be hurt
- wouldn’t see NCIS anymore
My reasons to live are not really a deterrent to suicide. Any death is painful and my family would eventually heal and get on with their lives. I watch NCIS most days its on and its a good show but I really could give a fuck about a fake T.V show because it doesn’t help me in any way. Â I don’t have much to live for
I gotta take my own life.
Im home in florida but homeless, im going Â this week to buy Â another gun cuz the last gun i got was stolen, just in time to commit my suicide ive been planning for a year
The clock is ticking and time is running out. I know not for my life, yes I do want something more. I want so many things in life and there are so many things I wanted to do and bring to this world. I want to bring happiness to others, I want to find happiness for myself, I want to be a father, I want to be content.
I want to be happy. I want to smile for something I’ve done not something I’ve seen. I want to laugh because I feel good inside not because it’s the appropriate thing to do. There’s so much good and strength in me but I’m weighed down by the bad and weakness that envelopes my heart. I want to continue on, but I’m almost out of time before I’m all alone again.
I’ve posted here before and on other accounts. I’ve told my story so many times it’s lost all meaning. Everything of my past has lost all meaning. I don’t understand people anymore. I don’t understand love anymore, I know I want it. The world scares me, but also the end scares me. All that’s left is the sheer fact that I’m a bad person now, yes I have/had good qualities, but that’s no longer what defines me. I’ve lost everything. Everything I’ve ever owned. My drive, my ambition, my self worth. I’m in so much debt. I have countless issues with the authorities because of the love of my life. My family has not only abandoned me but cast me out from ever returning. All of my friends abandoned me. I was homeless for the majority of last year. The only reason I have a roof over my head is someone I met at a bar took me in, but my time here is almost up. I thank him for his generosity, although I’ve never thought I deserved any of it. I can’t take being not only homeless again but being alone. I have nothing to call my own. I’ve lost everything.
As much as I long to continue on I’m too broken and weary to push anymore. I just want this pain to stop and the hole in my heart to go away. While yes I’d like to find new good things in my life, I still cannot forget everything I’ve lost. I’ve never been proud of myself or anything I’ve ever Â accomplished except when I was with my ex. We were supposed to get married, we were supposed to have a career, I was going to be a father. I looked up to her, I still do. I still want the very best for her and I hope she gets it. I was so damn happy with my life and everything that was supposed to come. I want it back but I know I never can. Nothing can ever be the same for me. That much is definite.
I don’t even see the power in me to create anything good anymore. I know there will always be the ‘you just have to try’ and ‘there are always good things in life’ but I don’t know how I can change my life given everything that’s happened. I’ve been living here for about 3 months now and it’s been nice not thinking about death like I used to. I honestly was hoping in this lapse of time I’d return to find some new method people have found that hasn’t been banned or made unobtainable to the public. BesidesÂ asphyxiation I feel all I’m capable of is the Helium Exit Bag or theÂ Charcoal method. The first being difficult to obtain in my situation while the latter I fear causing harm to others. Plus I don’t wanna leave alone and I know that makes me a bad person, if not entirely it does inside of me. I want everyone else to be happy and to live, so how can I ask someone to leave this world with me. I’ve thought about jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge seeing that I’m only 30 minutes away, but I know I’d be too scared (although the drop only being 4 seconds) to follow through once I arrived.
I just don’t know what to do anymore and I can’t continue on much longer alone.
I really can’t take it. I just want to take a break. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to try and live like this anymore. I tried okay? I tried so hard to focus on life. And I just can’t reach it. Even though I’m young, I’ve never felt this pain ever before. It hurts as bad as hitting by a truck. I want to cry, but all I have is a mask that covers me when I’m badly injured. I told them, I was fine, just felt kinda tired for sleeping too late. But no. I tried everything to end this. I told them after finding out that this has gone worst, that I might commit suicide. They say don’t, and begged. But all I hear was “Do it!”. I continue to say, “I was joking.”
Although, I was serious. This might be my final choice. I just have to have the right death.
My friends uses me as a doll. My best friend was gone. I am left out. I am dumb and stupid. I have no sense of logic, I tried so hard to have a good grade, but it fails everytime I have the motivation to do it. So, people would not help me, cause my grades are low. My mom and dad likes to talk to my older brother. I think my brother might be an incest, he keeps getting his head close to my body. My cousins won’t talk to me, they’d rather have fun with my older brother. So clearly, my brother is the only one that seem important to my family. I don’t have a lover, no one seem to notice me. I always think that there is a lot of people that are better than me, which pressures me a lot. I hate me.
I know that a lot of people are struggling to life. The poors, the homeless, the drunk, the so-much-in-debt. But they are used to be like that in life. I am not. I’ve been like this for 2 years. And I can never live this way. I am too, struggling in life. Try to make my parents, teachers, and others that are concerned, that I am okay. I am not. I can’t take this. I’ve been running for a hundred mountains. I’m tired. I just want a break in life.
I’m a single mom and my whole world has collapsed around me. Â I was laid off from work and cannot find another job. Â The bank foreclosed on my home. Â My only vehicle broke down and was towed to an impound lot. Â My mother passed away and I couldn’t afford to go to her funeral – my own mother’s funeral. Â I’ll NEVER forgive myself!
I have no money at all…none! Â I can’t even get myself to the food pantry without a car. Â On top of everything else, Â I caught the flu, my washer machine flooded my home, the microwave started on fire, the garage door broke and can’t be opened, and my teenage son is refusing to attend school. Â We’re being evicted from the home we’ve lived in for 11 years with no place to go, no car, no money, nothing. Â And,Â I have three pets that I love dearly who’ve all grown up in this home.
I cry constantly and beg for death to put me out of this misery. Â The only time I’m not thinking about suicide is when I’m dealing with overwhelming feelings of guilt about leaving my son in such a horrible way.
I keep trying to tell myself it’ll be OK, but I don’t really believe it. Â Each day presents a brand new crisis to add to the huge stack of other problems I can’t fix. Â I cannot bear the thought of being homeless. Â How in the world am I supposed to deal with all this? Â Suicide actually seems like my best option and the only possible way to get any relief from this horror of a life!
Has anyone else lived through such awful circumstances? Â How did you survive it?
you know its intresting.I start to think more about what if i do succede what my death will mean if it actually happens.and a little bit o topic okay ive heard a lot of people saying barbiturates are the only medication that will kill you not you.Ive overdosed a lot in the past when im not cutting or burning or drinking nasal spray.I almost died from the use of sleeping pills and lithium which i was taken off of right after.Now i find there are different types of suicide.Some people i wouldnt consider suicidal cause there just bored with life its not really emotion.Some people are the dead serious who will do away with themselves whatever possible they use stuff like guns and what not.Some people are the ones who are afraid to die and only post that theyll kill themselves as a cry for help.finally there are people who dont really want to die either they take pills or whatever only in hopes that theyll be able to turn back half way through it.
I wont bother saying what i am its not important.But yeah ive thought a lot.Ive had to remind myself to just pretend to be what everyone expects me to me.No being to sad or to angry or to happy.This is kind of hard to do at times though for the most part i do okay. Am i afraid.Hell yeah im deafly afraid.Id love to turn back now.So i can watch x factor and see who wins.So i can protect my family as i feel i must.so i wont miss out on that chance to someday have my older sister say she loves me or hug me cause since we were eight and nine she never has.So i can have my first apartment possibly a dog.Theres so many things id love to do but thats a fantasy.Even if i do somehow get better from all this mental illness.The pills and the poisoning have already taken off ten years of my life.Even if i do make it i can relapse which is already happening and ive only been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks.The therapist and psychiatrist and parents dont say its a relapse they just think i dont want to change.They just think that in the end it will all be fine.But it wont be.Because i have a family and support system but what am i going to do when im on my own.Im going to be like the 90% percent rate of mentally ill that end up homeless.i figure i need out before it gets there.Before i have to watch death take the lives of everyone i love.
I dont want to feel that hurt.I dont want to feel more alone.My baby sister is fourteen she dumped cold water on me cause of a dissagreemnet we had.But to be honest if i die ill miss her the most but shell probably never forgive me but ill still love her.Ill regret doing what ive done but ill still love my family forever and ever.
I feel a lot like some of the stories ive read.Most dont know but i am disabled.Ive been wheelchair bound,wore a neckbrace, couldnt lift my hands.Why???Cause during fourteen i had several meltdowns from familys fighting.At that time i wanted a family i wanted my brother and sisters to be happy. my mother and father but they werent.And today i realize and accept that my mother and father will never love eachother.But im okay with knowing that.Cause even though my family is together my mom and dad do better as friends.
Anyway getting off topic.The worst thing about my illness was having to go to school in a wheelchair.But also knowing my illness was a mental illlness and that my illness ive basically had to fix it myself.Look up conversion disorder youll understand more.
I had to learn to walk again.And i struggle so much still today.i dont know how to cook or do my hair.I at times neglect my hygiene.I had people who were cruel and still cruel to me.My older sister has not hugged me or said she loved me in a long time.I take care of the pets.I try to help around the house and im punished for it.I feel like a lot of the people on here.I read so many of your stories as much as possible and i feel for you only regretting that i couldnt take away your pain and reply to every message.
I dont want to die.But i can admit im very sick.And how those doctors use euthanize on cancer patients.I want the pain to end .
i also said in a last post i would not come here.But ii cant do that.This is the one place were i can see that im not the only one.And to take that away while im breathing.well lets just say i would probably try tonight if i didnt have everyone on here and if i didnt have the tiniest bit of faith left that something will turn my frown upside down before next month
How and where do I start this story?
Well I am 37 years of age and have nothing to show for life, I am homeless and broke and I am honestly at the point where I cant take any more.
Over the last 5 years I have been diagnosed with ME/CFS which I fight everyday, I have had a marriage breakd down, I have hadÂ a miscarriage to deal with, an abortion I knew nothing about. Redundancy, attempted suicide,Â break down of another relationship, my parents disowned meÂ now I am homeless and broke. I also think I may have an alcohol problem as I cant get through a day without a drink.
My body and brain cant take anymore and I am sick and tired of waking up everyday to be onÂ a sofa or the floor, I am sick of knowing today will be another fight for life.
I am a coward I know I am, suicide is a cowards way out but I cant see any other way out now.Â The few friends I have dont need my shit, my son has excelled since I left his mumÂ and everytime I try to get a job or work I end up fucking it up.
I just cantÂ do this anymore.
Anyone have any ideas before I completely go over the edge?
I’m not optimistic about the future. I think my life is already done. I know, or I think so, that I have skills and abilities. If I wanted to, I could do a lot of things, I could be anything: aÂ genius, a hero, a loved one. Sometimes I feel like I were God, with all theÂ possibilitiesÂ and a whole life in front of me. And sometimes, I feel like a turtle: small, useless in most of the cases and always quiet andÂ hiding. I know I’m not doing any of what I could do, just because I’m too stupid for doing it and, sincerely, too lazy. A reason for die is that I’m too lazy to live.
My dreams seems so far away, so impossible for someone like me. I was dreaming in becoming a writer, so I could write books and poetry. But I know I have to be realistic, I’m too lazy and stupid for doing that. Â My ideas, the reals ones and that, for some reason, I like as much as I like the optimistic ones, are becoming in an addict or in a homeless or in a prostitue. I’m not kidding, I seriously think that can be my future and it doesn’t bother me. What really scares me is becoming in something that I don’t want to: a normal person. Having aÂ husband, a normal work, children and being everyday telling to my children that life is unfair and we can do anything about it when they ask me why is a man sleeping under the bridge. The idea is creepy for me. I don’t want to. That life seems too perfect.Â I’mÂ claimingÂ the right to be unhappy. This may soundÂ narcissistÂ and I will hate it, but I think I’m too smart for this world, or I’m too insane for this.
I usually write stuff, and there’s always something talking about death or suicide. I can’t let it go, it’s, somehow, a part of me. A charge that I wish.
Domestic relations picked up my dad today, he hasn’t payed child support in 6 months.Â I love my dad even though he picked drugs over me and my family. Now he’s supposedly “clean”Â I don’t believe it but whatever. My mom hates my dad. The bench warrant guy told my mom if he doesn’t pay child support by august 1st he will have to see the judge.Â I hope this happens, he will be put in jail. Right now in Pennsylvania he has seven warrants for his arrest. he would be so much safer in jail then out here. If he gets put away it will take so much off my mind. He has been homeless for a while renting rooms, never has health insurance. He needs to go instead of hiding or running from it. He doesn’t realize the effect it will have in the long run.
I pop on most days to work on a project, or to write a reply. Some days I’ll just read quietly. I speak up when I have something to share but I realize my voice just like before doesn’t mean much.
When I was younger I was a listener and I was forced to be a talker. To be a talker to make myself clear and to stop assumptions about me.
A phrase rings through my head “You can’t be a hero” at 12 years old my father did everything to crush my hopes. I did little things, I donated a little money, I held open the door for someone behind me and used my manners.
“Don’t be a hero” Who was I saving? I thought this in my head as I cried. All I was doing was what I felt was right. But right or wrong don’t really exist. I used to volunteer also. I never felt that “greateness” everyone claims, I was doing what I was supposed to do. I made sandwiches with my class for the homeless, I helped serve thanksgiving dinner at a shelter in the south, and I donated my time to sorting clothes at thrift stores. Clothes that were haphazardly thrown to us wet and musty at times. We didn’t have a dryer in the facility so they had to be thrown out.
“Don’t be a hero” I think on it now and I’m crying. I had reached the point wondering what’s the point of doing all this? I no longer do. The thought to do it again crossed my mind but it’ll mean little to nothing now-a-days.
I used to stand up for the bullied because no one really did the same for me. I helped teach one to speak up to be heard, because no one really gave me that. I tell stories to help heal sadness. Stories of real experience not just 100% fantasy. I did what I could to inspire when I wasn’t really inspired, I wrote in courage even though I don’t have much myself.
“Don’t be a hero”
So I’m just “here”
I make this question every day to myself, for something like 8 years. 8 years ago.. i came to italy, with my mother. My parents devorced when i was 3 y.o. and from then i lived with my granparents in russia. My mother gone to italy when i was 5 y.o. and i barely never seen my father till i was 10, then my mom took me with her in italy. she lived with an Â italian guy, antonio. when i came to italy, he trowed us on street, with no money, without a reason. Thanks to some friends, we found a home for a month, after, antonio come back, and we gone to live with him. It was september, i begun to go to italian school. till the xmas was all ok. but then… one day, i was at home alone, and to my house came some visitors.. police, asking me to go to my neighbours, for one night, just because “antonio and my mother can’t return to home tonight”… Later, at school, i discovered that all town knew that my mother had took some stabs from antonio. She was still alive, and the family where i lived (for a month) took me to hospital to see her. Antonio destroyed our documents and form that moment we were no-one, with nothing. We doesn’t exist no more… when my mother was cured, we moved to a community of homeless, and lived there till my mother found a work. Then we lived like “normal” people. but 3 years ago i had to return to russia, and i lost a year at school. I had a big depression that continues now… All the time from antonios story till now, i and my mother are like strangers… I feel stranger to all who i “know”… I feel… nothing… to no-one… no love, no hate, not even a simpathy or just an interest to know some-one… I’m disinterested. I don’t want to go to school, don’t want to go out, don’t want to eat, to talk, to sleep, to stay awake.. to breathe.. Why should i continue, when someone like antonio (ex.) can decide all for you, can stop your life, why can’t i control it? Every one wants to control his life, but is there a major control of it, than control its lenght? We can’t control the beginning of life, but we can control the end. We can win the death, at least control it.
I just want to put end to all this……
i fought through everything in my life, starvation, homeless, abandment, even times i wanted to take a bunch of pills and end it or excape for a little while,i stopt abusing pills when i was 19,i thought if u fight like u want what you see and want what you crave in life then it has to happen,my family dont give a shit about me, my dad only calls to ask if i heard from my twin and how shes doing, can somebody atleast act like they care?o i forgot ,people do, and they end up showing who they really are wen they leave you to die in your own blood, but i fight with all i got,nothing changes, is there a god? cause last night i prayed, right after i was almost attacked,its like bad luck is attracted to me, like im cursed,the only thing that is stopping me from takeing this pocket knife to my neck is i fear i wont die, and i fear i will still exist in this same world feeling what i always feel,i try to see the point of my life but i been used so fucking much i feel like my purpose is to be a punching bag and used,thats all i ever get out of this life nomatter how good i do,what the fuck els does this world want from me?if this is how it will be then i will go in my bathroom look in the mirriior and slit my throat cause im done.noone will give a crap,i want to be someone els.but ill never be her cause shes loved, shes an exception,