Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
I used to think that the tears would never stop, the urges would never cease, and the thoughts of suicide would only grow stronger. I am here, two years suicide-thought free to tell each and everyone of you, this too shall pass. It takes time, so much time. I was lucky to be able to say “I need help” and I got it.
I never looked in the mirror and thought of something that I liked about myself. Never. I began thinking that this was how I would always feel. Never pretty, or skinny, or good enough. I was feeling this way and just assumed it was because I was a typical teenage girl who wanted to fit in in high school.
Soon after, I tried to kill myself. And after I failed, I looked at my mom and I said, “I don’t think I’m okay”. I got help. I accepted help. I embraced help. And it saved my life.
When I was young, I never stopped smiling. People never believed me when I told them my story. “But you’re always so happy” they said. Well, not always. At that point in my life it seemed as if I never was going to be happy.
We all have our stories, and stories can end or they can continue, but it’s only up to one person how the story develops: you. You can end your story without it being fully written (which a good writer would never do) or you can continue it and only make it better from here on out. It’s up to you.
I want to leave you with this… No matter what you’re feeling at a certain moment, anger, hurt, failure, fear, embarrassment, disturbed, confused, tortured, wounded, or battered, know that someone in this world loves you. No matter what you think of yourself, someone thinks differently. No matter how you look at yourself, someone looks differently.
You’re never ever going to feel better if you can’t look inside your soul and admit to yourself that you need help. Always reach out. Always.
This too shall pass. I love you ALL. xoxoxo
The people who live in this world are all pieces of shit and some are even worse than me. Wrost of all the majority can’t even see that their lives are worthless.
Life doesn’t have a meaning so they try their hard to find something to fullfil the fucking hole in the middle of their chests. And they think that’s OK.
I just don’t kill myself because I’m too afraid of what happens then. So I’ll have to fight for something I don’t want and see the world like a fucking rainbow and be HOPEFUL.
FUCK THIS SHIT.
Nothing ever changes,
even when you say it will.
You’ve always been a liar.
Filling yourself with falsity.
and a grin so wide,
your skin could tear.
I’ve seen what lies beneath
the sleeves of your favorite sweater.
I have seen your ugliest truth.
The beautiful marks
that stain your skin
as a reminder of a night
you forgot to swallow your pill.
Living in a world of hazed confusion,
trying to block out the truth
with an upped dosage,
and a sharper edge.
Where do you hide?
PretendingÂ this will work,
and stifle the pain.
But I can hear you cry at night.
Just a little longer, my dear.
but soon. i’m ~30. this is a long time coming. it’s been in the back of my thoughts as long as anything else at this point. i guess it just got to be where i was impossibly tired of failing at getting better, not hurting people by being unstable, etc. i always felt too much of an obligation to my family/friends/significant others, or just got scared. the utter frustration of repeated failure eventually ground that fear down. it’s a relief! it’s the first thing that’s made sense in a long time. the only odd thing about it is the surreality of getting one’s affairs in order, especially letters to family and colleagues at once apologizing and then making long, specific designations. And then of course wondering if any of it will work out the way you hope.
and that’s it. that’s all. that’s your life. i guess if there was more this wouldn’t be its course.
i’ve been around long enough to have counseled others about the selfishness of committing suicide, to have said “permanent solution, temporary problem, y’all” and when you’re 16, that’s probably true. here i have a different story, borne out by the evidence of time. you know, chronic mental illness with a different solution hopeful every few months/years eventually proven as inadequate as the last one, if not more.Â seriously, i’ve tried – a lot, and for a long time.
i belong to another forum wherein it was appropriate for members to discuss their thoughts on this topic, and a lot of people seemed to agree that the only legitimate excuse for killing yourself was chronic, unbearable physical pain with no foreseeable end in sight. while i can sympathize with that position, it’s really only because i think very few people have ever had a real glimpse of chronic mental illness, or rather a real understanding of it. it’s less quantifiable for people and therefore its dismissed just as easily as magic. maybe just like magic, you can’t really get it until you’ve seen how the trick is done. i may not be able to convince you, but i can say with conviction that there are mental illnesses whose pain is real and whose prognosis is just as grim as any physical illness. i’m sure there are significant differences i can’t describe to you from the other side of the table, but on the mental illness side there’s the added dimension of nobody believing it could be as bad as you say it is. you know, making fun of people for being depressed is maybe the stupidest thing you could do.
all that being said, i’m a big proponent of trying over and over and over again to make it better. if life can be good, it sure seems worth it. and there are people you love who will never understand. god, that is really tough.
the only advice i can offer, the only barometer i’ve ever had to know whether or not this was the “right” thing to do: run away. does that sound just as good, or better? then do it. cause it really is just your circumstances fucking killing you. run away. people do it all the time. (teenagers: don’t run away. teenagers get raped and killed, etc. friends of mine. many, many teenagers all of the time. leave if you have to, but have somewhere to go, an organization for people like you. there are lots of them.)
my end won’t be particularly messy; no reason to make this either : / thanks for reading? have a good one.
it has been a week since last week’s drama. i go in for an appt tomorrow and i am nervous. going to the scene of the crime. i hope no one there will recognize me as the loser who had a police escort out of the building. my emotions run the gamut from being hopeful about the future to actively suicidal. even when i was at the hut i found myself writing down lyrics to songs about suicide. if you are into rock music you know metallica’s fade to black and megadeth’s a tout le monde. again my “death wish” comes through. the fact that the clinic is right next to the river i have identified as plan b makes it a rather emotionally charged place. i am at home alone and that is when i do most of my thinking or ruminating depending on one’s perspective. my need to keep secrets was on full display over the weekend. we went out with long time friends . never said a word about what had happened. i don’t anticipate saying anything to friends or family about last week’s melodrama. what would be the point?Â being the resourceful person i am i found a way around the mental person’s gun ban. gun shows don’t do background checks. hurray for the good ole us of a. but that is neither here nor there. it is an option if deemed necessary. right now i am a confused mess. what is it that i want?Â life or death? i don’t know. i am just plain exhausted.
I had forgotten how much that film resonated with me when it first came out; how I cried and cried because of the loss, the tragedy, the helplessness, the irresolute – albeit hopeful – ending. Â The words still resonate with me today, now, even while contemplating my own will to exist:
“…We both had done the math.
Kelly added it all up…and knew she had to let me go.
I added it up, and knew that I’d…I’d lost her…’cause I was never going to get off that island. I was going to die there…totally alone…I mean, I was going to get sick, or get injured or something…
The only choice I had, the only thing I could CONTROL was when, and how and where that was going to happen. So… I made a rope; and I went up to the summit to hang myself. I had to test it…you know? of course…you know me. Â And the weight of the log, snapped the limb of the tree, so I-I – , I couldn’t even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *NOTHING*.
And that’s when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew… somehow…that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that’s what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing.
And one day, that logic was proven all wrong because the tide…came in, and gave me a sail. And now here I am, I’m back, in Memphis, talking to you, I have ice in my glass… And I’ve lost her all over again.
I’m so sad that I don’t have Kelly; but I’m so grateful that she was with me on that island.
And I know what I have to do now.
I gotta keep breathing.
Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?”
When I look in the mirror, all that I can see is emptiness inside of me and I ask myselfâ€¦
On the outside it seems to clear.. I am a daughter, a sister, a friendâ€¦but who am I?
Every morning when I awake, I tell myself it is time to put on a show..donâ€™t want no one to know, what I feel when I am alone. I canâ€™t let them see the tears I cry.. As keep all my fears hidden deep inside..
But I am finding it harder to pretend each day.. trying to convince myself everything will be ohkay .. I tell myself that I canâ€™t quit.. that I need to stay strong.. that for them I need to hang on..
As I cry myself to sleep.. I pray for an end to this sorrow.. hopeful for a better tomorrow..
Well it’s official. Went to the GP again today, and after a long talk with a very nice doctor (making a point of saying he was very nice because i’ve had some crappy doctors in the past) i’ve now been given a prescription for anti-depressants. I’m both happy and sad about this. Happy because finally, maybe, i might get some control over how i feel and sad because it’s actually taken medication to get this sorted out. Medication was kind of the option i was saving for last. In the UK medication isn’t usually the first option they jump to, but he knows the councelling has never worked for me and need to take a stronger step.
So. Did a bit of research into it when i got home. The pills i’ve got are citalopram, a type of SSRI. I’m glad they’re SSRIs, i’ve heard some good reports about them from people i know IRL so i’ll give it a go. Took my first one about an hour ago. However because i’m 21 and SSRIs are dodgy for people under 25, i’ve got to go back to the GP every two weeks to keep an eye, as well as continue in councelling every week. It’s the same doctor i’m going to though so i don’t even mind because he was really nice. I’m getting referred to a different councellor though, Shannon’s giving me over to someone more experienced who can have a more regular schedule with me. I kind of liked Shannon. Seeing her next Tuesday and then set up with the new person whoever that is.
He didn’t give me a diagnosis for obvious reasons, but definately clinical depression. Major depressive episode. Suicidal ideations. Symptoms of some kind of anxiety disorder. I guess i’ll get a name for it in time.
So yeah. Guess i’m gonna be pretty sick for the next two or three weeks. I’m not even mad about it. Means it’s working i suppose, changing stuff in my head. I’ll probably have to tell my head lecturer at college though that i’m taking them. Probably something he might need to know incase i show some weird symptoms in class.
Hurrah for medication.
Life is just luck of the draw
I wish I was luckier. Life has been going down hill for such a long time, and honestly I’m not sure I can endure.
I’m growing so tired, even my health is declining. I feel so sick, and I’m only 18
Life doesn’t seem to hopeful, and its not just because I’m young,
everything in this world is controlled by might, by power, and I, have no power
Sure, everything is in the mind, illusion and manipulation, but honestly I’m so tired
This world is full of the mindless, the uncaring and ignorant
So many horrible things are going on in the world, and not just the cliche stuff
I would call the world beautiful, but honestly, its more beautiful for some than others
My lot in life, I don’t want it, I don’t want it, I never did, and I can honestly say I wish I was never born
Existence doesn’t make sense, this world doesn’t make sense, what is it anyway?
Can any of you answer that question? What IS existence? Where exactly are we?
A planet? A galaxy? A universe? Where is this universe? What lies beyond it? Is this all there is?
Mostly empty, full of darkness,with dots of light. Honestly it boggles my mind.
Life is short, brief and harsh, well, for the unlucky ones.
And it honestly seems so insane, this thing we call existence. I don’t really want to be here
life is simply too hard, it asks too much of you, you have to sacrifice and loose so much of yourself just to live
It hurts, it hurts, my god it hurts. Speaking of which, I don’t believe there is a god, but I don’t believe in emptiness either, I’m sure there is a world beyond this one, one where all the insanity makes sense something like an afterlife, something like a soul, surely our reality isn’t so simple, surely it isn’t so incredibly dull and boring?
We live in a rotten world, and it hurts knowing how happy and lucky some are, born with everything, not just wealth, but the other important things, ah, its all a damn joke isn’t it? You get the goods, or you don’t its all so fucking laughable, honestly, I’m amused. My sanity was warped a long time ago, I’ve learned to thrive in the darkness, to laugh with the pain, to genuinely feel this twisted melancholy sense of happiness
I hate this world, I hate humans, I hate it, I love this world, I love humans, I’m torn between to sides of this cruel joke called life, honestly sometimes I don’t know what to do, one of these days I might just kick the bucket, but who knows, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last. I’m not really sure. Maybe I’ll find a way to defy the gods, to remake this reality full of darkness, and share that light with everyone, I doubt I can win, I guess time will tell.
My heart is breaking. i cannot do this anymore. i’m just a shell of who i was, im no longer there, so why do you try to keep me here, when it’s not me anymore? my demons have overpowered me, the voices in my head have overpowered me, and the people have too….
i cannot keep living this way, i will not survive the physical and emotion pain anymore. im sick off this. i cant keep living. it hurts to wake up in the morning. i wish i could be strong like him, but i cant. It hurts to breathe. I wish i could just get away from the pain and the bullshit.
the hopeful lies he told me only made me hold on for so long. i’ve lost all sense of reality and sense of realness. i hurt myself to know im still alive. this is no way for me to live, i am not happy here, i want to be free, and be with him again. no one would ever care if i was gone, and im fine with that.
everyone saw how much i was hurting and they didnt do anything… thats ok though, i dont need anyone, i have the two things i need, my blade and pills…. such a good pair… im done…. im ready to leave… no one would ever try to stop me, to try to talk me out of it….
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