Being off meds for a full year.
Still having a sense of humor.
Learning how to tell myself its ok.
Being in a family that puts up with my shit.
I just called my insurance company… but I had a strange connection with the operator that answered. He made me feel a million times better. We were laughing and joking for like 10 minutes and he was actually a bit unprofessional and he kept saying how unprofessional he was being. It was cute. It was nice. Is it weird that I almost wanted to tell him to call me? Is it desperate? Have I reached that point where I’m desperate? lol. I’m not going to be modest, it’s not as if I can’t find a man if I want it, but it’s hard to find someone with my sense of humor and that gets me. Like last week I met this guy, he was really nice, but he didn’t get my humor. It just made me feel stupid when I said something that I thought was funny and he was looking like “wtf”. This guy on the phone totally had my sense of humor. Darn it. Part of me didn’t want to flirt with him in case it was awkward for him or if it would jeopardize his job.
It just made me realize how much I need laughter in my life. It’s not as if I don’t have friends or family that provide laughs… but there is nothing like laughing with a companion. Nothing at all.
I remember a couple days ago I kind of picked at him alittle bit on his 100 reasons to stay alive post. I guess it was a mixture of frustration and my offbeat sense of humor. Darvin your a good guy. We all got different perspectives on life and I’m sorry if I offended anyone. There’s not one person on here that I dislike.
I was thinking surely there’s got to be a train tracker that isn’t just local transit. Something that tracks all trains, frieght, passenger and local transit, shows you where they’re at, and schedule of next trains due to pass your location. If there isn’t, who’s a stronger coder that wants to build it with me? We could at least leave a legacy. We could call it Splatr. Rotflmao!
That’s basically all I am. I am a joke of Fate, a fly trapped in the web she never stops weaving, a plaything that she uses to occasionally humor herself. And it really sucks.
It’s ironic, actually, because I always tell others to be who they are, an individual, and never give up hope. But I guess I let that last chance out of Pandora’s jar a long time ago, because I don’t think I’ll ever amount to anything.
Three years ago this summer I lost my father. He managed to make it to my graduation and my first summer semester in college. However, towards the end of that summer my father decided to take his own life. To be a victim of SUICIDE.
During that summer, I lost three of my best friends. Not cause of death, no. But because we split up and went to different universities around the state. We do still talk to each other from time to time, its just hard to find another group of people that you share some of the same interests in, the same personalities, and same basic humor.
During that summer semester I joined a fraternity. They are a great group of guys. I came real close to some of them until this past spring semester. My closest friend in the fraternity decided to move back home after he graduated. so he’s about 5hrs away now and is staying there for good to find a career.
Another one of my closets friends here at school is about to leave in a few weeks. He’s going to school two states away. that is an 8hr drive from me.
Its just so hard to trust and be close to people when I know they are just going to leave me. I know it is just a part of growing up and moving on. But it just makes me so sad. I’m so bored with life because all of the positive people in my life are leaving.
I’m just upset and depressed about it all and I need to let someone know about it.
I am so freaking awesome Is what I tell my self when I wake up….
I go Througth my day repeating this phrase eating on every word
And it helps
Till you’re eyes become filled with tear
Then you say ,about five times, fuck being depressed I am fucking awesome.
It helps for an hour or two
Then the words become meanaless
Then you add some humor
And repeat the words I am so freaking awesome
I bet no tears will comeback that day
Your fucks in life will not be giving ^^
Repeat daily …it will help for a while
I want to die, but I don’t want to want that.
What I want is friends and a purpose.
I’m always surrounded by people, and yet so profoundly alone.
And the friends that remain think I am unpleasant in my depressed, manic state,
so I humor them with smiles.
Empty, empty smiles.
I just want a connection.
I don’t want to be disposable.
I hate everything about myself,
but mostly I hate that I think that way.
I think I’m broken.
My life is a big piece of wrongful humor.
I wish I could dig my regrets deep down, break my sorrows, and let go of my sins.
Who’s that uncredited monster that dwells behind the scenes of my life? I will find you and kill you.
There is no such thing as routine. There is regular disorder.
Everything is possible… Until a choice has been made.
It won’t be what can’t be.
Forgive the truth for its cruelty.
Are you frightened? I’ve got a cup of pleasure for you.
Things, which make you cry, should reverse.
They are laughing, again. May they choke on their laugh.
Destroy all, destroy all or nothing.
Lately I have found myself predicting the outcome of every event. Â If the outcome is unfavorable then I simply do not want to be a part of it. For instance, if I meet someone, and I know that they will thinkÂ negativelyÂ about me in some light I do not want to get involved with them what so ever. Â I feel like my biggest problem is that I know I will eventually become discouraged about every relationship I have, and because of this I am extremely apprehensive about hanging out with people.
What is most troubling about this is I know people are unpredictable. Â Therefore I know how I feel is irrational in some respects. I feel like the constant reinforcement of rejection in my life has driven me to become cold and unhappy. Â I am fearful, angry, and overall just very pessimistic. Â These feelings occasionally give me satisfaction through humor, but I feel like they deplete my energy levels and make life hard to keep up with.
It has begun to affect everything I do. Â I have a hard time with job interviews because there are people more motivated and more confident than I am. Â I hate people because they see right through my bullshit exterior and peer at the tired troubled person I am. Â Girls piss me off because at my age the probability of me finding the right person is extremely low. Â I am more than likely going to be rejected in the majority of things I do, so how will I ever be comfortable with taking a chance?
Since i was young all i wanted was someone to ‘get me’. Â It sounds so cliche but no one really understood my humor, my thoughts, feelings and reactions so i soon learnt how to hide them. Because it began to be draining, having to fight for every word you say. Trying to back up every opinion you gave. It was much easier to act like i had nothing to say. To be like everyone else.
Then i met him, I couldn’t be fake to him, i tried so hard. But i just couldn’t. For the first time since i was very young, i was acting like myself again. I didn’t worry about the strange looks or total discomfort. I would often say how I felt about something and instead of putting me down or telling me my opinion was wrong. He thought about it, then reflected on it.
I finally found someone that would respect what i said and didn’t mind my weird outbursts and reactions.
He accepted me totally. For who i am as a person. It was unbelievable.
And it comforts me that even if we drift away in life, there was ONE person in this whole world that understood me and still loved me.
Acceptance is such a powerful and awesome thing.
So thank you.
I hate being one, and I’m sure you do too. But you know, sometimes it can’t be helped.
I see people struggling to get through life, and I try to help them. I tell them it will get better. I try to give them hope.
But you know, I don’t feel that way. I refuse for people to get close to me because I’m a worthless *****. I’ve given up hope. I don’t think it will ever get better.
Of course, being the hypocrite I am, I will say that all I want to do is die, but I don’t want you to because I see how amazing you are.
To me, and many others, you are beautiful and smart, funny, as well as nice. I know that many love you, and would never wish to lose you.
But me? I am an ugly fat ***** that has no humor. I’m stupid, especially in math, and I can be such a jerk. I can only see my family and ‘friends’ ignore me.
Really, we all hate being hypocrites, but sometimes? It really can’t be helped.
I thought my meds were working, It has only been a week and they seemed great. But Ive started getting the thoughts back, especially in my dreams. The anti depressant cant control my dreams which is so frustrating. My best friend who has been there through everything with me, seems to find it funny im so depressed and that now shes just being a ***** and putting me second and the guys that use her for photos first. That hurts a lot,..I just into an fight with her ..,my other best friend…well shes constantly spending time with this guy. Its just so easy for her to make friends and guys love her humor. I have scared off most people with my depression when it took over. Im so happy theres only a few weeks of school left, because i feel so alone..although I know it`ll be worse this summer.
I’m a long term suicide survivor.Â I know how hard it is and how it feels to want to die.Â So I’ve written a novel about a girl who goes down that path and ends up in aÂ hospital, like I did, and actually gets help.Â When I present it at writer’s groups, they don’t understand why the girl wants to die just because the love of her life dumped her.Â Geez.Â These people must haveÂ robot “stable emotions,” like saw dust instead of guts.Â It’s never just one thing but sometimes it takes just one more thing to push a person over that edge.
The novel also has humor.Â Rather than go into specifics, I make the mother a caricature of the controlling distant mother.
My question:Â Do you think other suicidal persons would want to read such a novel?Â My experience is that once one has gone over that edge, to consider seriously taking one’s own life, they think differently than the part of the population who wants to live no matter what.Â I want “them” the ones who don’t understand to understand how it feels.
Who knows?Â They probably won’t.Â In any case, if I ever get it out online, the title is “Karma’s Little Helper.”
Thanks for reading.
Here I am trying to catch up on last minute details.
I had a fun time writing my own obituary and even put some humor in it. I am going to leave it in my home taped to my refrigerator along with my handwritten, live and dead wills. I understand that if you just type it out and sign it, the document can be contested. The same goes for DNR orders and suicide notes. You can write a short version of the note by hand for the police department, photocopy it and put them in separate envelopes. You can then type up a long version where you can completely spill your guts, so to speak, and make at least three copies that you will sign and date and if possible note the time you started and the method used for self deliverance. The police and hospital will probably take a copy each, so if you want someone else to read the note put it in a separate envelope with the persons’ name and address on it along with a postage stamp. Leave the envelope unsealed so the cops can inspect it. Put a post-it note on the envelope asking someone to mail it for you. I have done all this already.
One thing that still has a little indecision involved is the place for all this to take place. I had considered in my own house in my own comfortable reclining chair where it is private, but the biggest drawback to that is that my mortal coil will probably not be discovered for at least one or two months. Even though the house would be unheated and it is winter time, I would probably stink up the place and make it difficult for my landlord to rent the place.Â See, I am even being considerate in my final days. 🙂
The other half of the coin is to do the deed in my (kind-of) junky car. The complication with that is both premature discovery or no discovery. As the real estate agents say, location, location, location. The best place that I can think of is in the parking lot of a hospital near the ER entrance. Being that close will probably negate the need for someone calling 911 or an ambulance and ER personnel could just bring out a gurney to my car. I will be in the passenger seat wearing a Depends. ;(
I think the best time to try this routine is just after midnight, when the visitors and second shift nurses have gone home. Still in my zeal to be discovered within twelve hours but not sooner than two, my timing has to be right and does rely a lot on luck.Â Maybe I could rig up an alarm clock to flash some lights?Â Probably the best thing to do would be to park at the far end of the lot that does not get filled up so quickly.Â Another possible monkey wrench, is that the hospital does have security vehicles that drive around the outside of the hospital. I have no desire to stake out the place for a night to see their timing.
To the other people on this list that are considering ending it all, I give one piece of very good advice.Â Absolutely do not do a thing or make any plans before reading the bookÂ “Final Exit” by Derek Humphry (third edition or later – 2002).Â I repeat – absolutely read the book first. It can be ordered from any book seller.
If I seem to have overlooked anything please leave me a comment.
1. A man lived by the sewer
And by the sewer he died,
And at the coroners inquest
They called it Sewer-side
2. Captain John Suez was a famous soldier in Afghanistan. He was an expert shot, a great leader and fantastic motivator of his men. He was so famous that he was recognized by the locals and the enemy alike.
One day, Suez had 2 Taliban snippers pinned down behind a wall. One of them said, â€œLets make a run a run for it.â€ The other shook his head and said,â€ No way! Thatâ€™s Suez.Hide.â€
3. Joey and Mary lived in a little old farmhouse on a clifftop with only their two old cows, Daisy and Suey for companionship. Daisy became ill and eventually died. This made the Joey and Mary very sad. They stayed indoors for weeks grieving over the loss of their beloved friend. When they finally ventured outdoors, their remaining cow was nowhere to be seen. â€œI will go to look for herâ€ said Joey. When he did not return, Mary went to find him. He was standing at the bottom of the cliff looking at something on the ground. â€œWhat is it, Joey?â€™ asked Mary. â€œShe must have been lonely and jumpedâ€ Joey said. â€œ Itâ€™s Sueyâ€™s hide.â€
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