as anyone ever had there earphones go out to where they can only hear out of one side? omg mine have done so, and I beyond highly annoyed at there hour. I mean I live in the UK for blokes sake, am I suppose to run down to my local Wal mart and pick up a new pair:? I spent 30 pounds on these…I am so not happy right now.
This last week I was trying to be positive and for a few days I even convinced myself I was geting somewhere, forcing things, denying I was going through the wrong way. But I can’t help hurting myself. I always end up doing it. I turn everything against me and then I crush myself with every drop of energy I have. I can’t deal with me, with the things I say, and the decisions I take. I even hurt myself writing here things I shouldn’t. and talking to people about how ridiculous I am, and I say it as a matter of a fact and people know I am not ok.
A few friends told me it wasn’t sane, the way I live and the way I face things. I thought it was funny. But I know it’s true.
I am out of control. And that makes me feel so wrong and sad and desperate.
If you look for help all they say is you need to help yourself. But I am my worst enemy. I don’t know what to do.
How can I hate myself so much?
I’m nearly 50, alone, poor and think about suicide every single day. I work hard, I am intelligent, I have had previous success in my life, but my line of work is extremely competitive and I must battle for even marginal pay. I live in a hovel, have no heating (even my space heater causes my powerstrip to overload, so my electricity is problematic), I work seven days a week and have done so for more than five years now. I have not even taken a minor vacation of one day since December 2010 so I am in my apartment constantly ( I work from home as a freelance writer of business documents and proposals). I am just so fucking tired. I have not spent a night away from this shit apartment for more than five years. I have applied to hundreds and hundreds of writing/editing jobs with exactly zero responses. At my age, even with a modicum of intelligence, the prospects are getting exceedingly thin and I am so terrified of becoming homeless. I have zero dollars in savings, I have student loans that are killing me, credit card bills that I’m late on all the time, I eat only pasta and tomato paste every day (I make one pound of pasta daily for around 85 cents and one small can of tomato paste for around 45 cents — so I eat for less than 1.50 each day but oh my god I am sick of pasta and nothing else would be as cheap — I have had the same food for about a year now), I have no car, I have no extra money to even go to Taco Bell or go to a movie once in a while. So, my life is this and has been for years — no friends because they all long ago got tired of picking up their nearly 50 year old friend and anyway I can’t even afford a beer at a bar…no entertainment out so I watch TV and read books and while I love reading I go sometimes three or four days without talking to or seeing another human being…my living condition is really terrible, just a converted garage with no insulation and no main heating for winter or AC for summer and the reason I live here is because it is pretty cheap but my landlord takes my rent in cash and doesn’t declare it and also fixes nothing because when I ask him to he says (because he’s rich), “if you move out I could drop ten grand into your place and triple the rent” and he’s right so I just don’t complain about anything because I have NOWHERE ELSE TO GO. I’m so so so so so so so so tired of living like I do. I once had dreams, I once had friends, I once had hopes, but now my life is purely just treading water with no real prospects of ever doing any more than that. Also, being a male near 50 I should be going to the doctor for a checkup and haven’t been to one in 15 years and when I tried to get medical help from the state I couldn’t do it because they required an address and the place I live in is illegal and not zoned for a human to live in so there is no lease, no official record of where I live. I am so fucking tired.
I’ve been reading people’s posts here for about a year and it has helped keep me going. (Thank you all.) I never commented or posted but now I think I’m nearing the end and want to get more involved. I have hit rock bottom. It’s a long story but I lost my job and then I decided to quit all my meds last week because I’m tired of living in a fog. I currently feel incapacitated and I don’t know how I will go on. I live alone and I will run out of money soon. I have enough of a lethal drug to kill myself but it will take 24 hours to die and I’m scared. Does any one have any positive stories about getting off psych meds? I could use some hope. I’m hanging by a thread.
Getting lost in fantasy is how I get through most of my day. I always imagine myself being a vigilante bringing criminals to justice, a mutant who can walk through walls and a drop dead gorgeous guy who dates lots of hot people ( I am Bi-sexual). Fantasy gets me through my miserable daily existence but the inability to actually live out my fantasies worsens my depression.
In Real life I am an absolute W.O.S. My anxiety is always flaring and it impedes my participation in life as a functional adult. I also lack the knack to be competitive in life. I live vicariously through pessimistic and fatalistic philosophies. I am a complete W.O.S. I deserve nothing but the void, I am burden to the eco-system and this planet does not need my services. I lack purpose and direction. Now let me go to my room, smoke weed,take my meds and cry.
I spend so much time daydreaming it’s like I live another life inside my head. I have daydreamed for as long as I can remember, all through primary school and I’m now in High school (15 years old). It has never bothered me that much in the past, I mean it would keep me from missing a lot in class but I never thought it was really that bad – until now. Now I just feel like I have another life inside my head, at first it didn’t cross my mind but now it’s stuffing up my head. I want it all to stop, I can’t live like this. Not all the things I think about are bad, some are me just having friends that are there for me, freedom; which I would love to have in real life but its starting to become to much. Other thoughts are torture (Me getting tortured and me torturing other people), murder or suicide also etc.
I have depression along with this but depression feels different, They may well be related but this is a whole other problem and I feel so sick and stuffed up in the head because or it.
And I aint going nowhere until I feel it’s time for me to go.
I’m more determined than ever to stick to my plan.
I am filled with so much anger and hatred, it scares me. The things that run through my head scare the shit out of me. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts. I shouldn’t be having all these homicidal thoughts. But, they are all I’m holding onto right now. They are what keeps me sane. My head is all fucked up.
I live with monsters. I can see myself slowly becoming a monster as well. They keep poking. Well, I will finally poke them back.
Poke them back till they fucking bleed.
I scare even myself when I get furious. I’m filled with so much rage that when all the anger takes over, I want to hurt someone so badly, or just hurt myself. I usually hurt myself. I’ve always hurt myself when I get like this. I doubt I’ll be able to contain myself any longer.
Tuesday was a rather nice day for me. One of the days I rarely have. I was calm. I was not in pain. I was just… Okay. Then, late at night, cops show up at my house. Again. In less than 2 days of their visit. Called by whom? My fucked up miserable asshole neighbours. (I wish I had more insults to throw at them.)
I hate those sons-a-bitches with my entire heart and soul. I have never felt this was about anyone before. I fucking hate them. I HATE THEM. A very strong word, I know. One I mean and feel with every breath that I take. With every fibre of my being. I HATE THEM!
Intimidation at it’s best. Did I forget to mention our neighbours have police friends? Well, they were at my house to make more threats, with fucking AK’s and I’m not even joking. I was pissed. I was utterly and completely fucking angry. Far angrier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I was ready to die. Believe me. I was fucking ready to die.
When the cops left, I threw one hell of a fit in the house. I punched the shit out of a door while screaming at the top of my lungs. My hands are fucked up right now. My father pulled me into his arms, trying his best to calm me down.
How can I ever be calm? I practically cry myself to sleep every night for what I have put them through. I have terrible nightmares about their deaths that make me terrified to even sleep. I’m scared to be outside the house on my own. I’m a fucking nervous wreck all the time. So, how the fuck do I calm myself when all they ever do is get me worked all up like this? They are fucking hard to ignore.
And what did I do?
I pretended I was calm so they’ll get off my back. I made my previous post. I really thought it was my last post. I was ready to die. I was ready to end it all. I was ready to die.
Straight after making that post, I grabbed a crowbar and a panga (SA version of a machete). What they used (along with knives) to kill my brother. I jumped the wall that separates our houses. My father and two cousins were right behind me. I guess I was too fast for them to stop me in time. Like I said… I can barely recognize myself when I’m angry.
I bashed the neighbour’s window with the crowbar to get their attention and get them out of the house. I banged on their door with the crowbar. I got their attention alright. When they stepped outside, I tossed the machete over to their feet and I went down on my knees, with my hands behind my head.
“Kill me now!” I screamed. I was sobbing, but determined, and ready. “This is what you want, isn’t it? Kill me now. KILL ME NOW. Or I will make your lives a living hell, as you have been slowly destroying mine.”
Well… They didn’t kill me. I’m still here, obviously. My father and cousins dragged me back home shortly thereafter.
They gave no lecture. Nothing. They just sat with me while I screamed like a fucking maniac. I cried. I cried until I lost my voice. Until I lost even the strength to cry. I have never cried so hard in my life. They just held me. My mother held me in her arms. She was crying.
“What will become of me if you leave?” She asked me. “You are our last hope, Free. Our last hope to get out of this place.”
I could feel her heart pounding as she held me to her chest. She was scared. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life.
But, I’ll stay. I’m staying, for my family. They have put all their faith in me. I need to pull myself together. I need to stay alive for them. I need to finish Medical School this year and get my family out of this hell hole of a life we are living. Just one more year. One more year and I’m done. I can only hope I will make it. I can only hope they don’t kill me before then.
But, I will hold to that promise. A PROMISE. I don’t make threats.
ONE DAY SOON. I WILL MAKE THEIR LIVES A LIVING HELL!
I was not brought on this world to be walked all over by some fucked up people who barely have their shit together.
I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY.
I HATE THEM.
I HATE ALL OF THEM.
I’m back. Living, and back. I thought by now I would have atleast tried to kill myself. To rid myself of the tortures of life and anxiety and depression. It’s haunts me everyday, and I don’t know how to fix myself, because I’m broken. I’m not happy, I don’t have dreams, I can’t live a normal life. I put on a fake smile at school, and pretend like I’m happy. I try to talk to new people, I try to get them to like me. But I will never be accepted. I’m weak, and broken.
I live in my room, and play the violin to keep myself busy. I do my homework, and make straight A’s. I take school seriously, and I try to look like a good student. I make my parents proud, or at least I think I do. I eat healthy food, and play sports. I look like a normal teenager, I act like one, but I’m broken, and they can’t fix me.
I am 38 and have been living with depression for most of my life. I’ve always been told it gets better. Take these pills, talk to a shrink, get help, blah blah blah. After this much time, i can say for a fact that it does not get better. I longer I live with this the worse it gets, and nothing I do or don’t do makes any difference. I just want it to end. I can’t keep going on like this.
So I had someone, who told me over and over they would be here to listen when I’m on the edge, and help me get help that I needed. I needed time, going and getting help during the holidays where I live is next to impossible. Most places are closed until January. I told him that over and over and over. Yet yesterday, he abandoned me. Told me I can’t speak to him until I’m getting help. The help he promised he would be there with me to get. Now I get to do it on my own. Like I told him I was scared to do. I know this wasn’t easy, I told him that, but he kept making me believe it was okay, and to just take it slow and I could get there. Now I’m alone again. He says we’ll talk again and still be friends once I get help. But how will I ever trust him again? He says he’s not abandoning me, but this sure feels like it. He kept texting me today, even when I told him he would need to block me if he doesn’t want me tempted to talk to him. He said he won’t. But I’m not allowed to message him. This is impossible. Like, now, why should I even try. The one person who said they would be there is gone. Why does anything matter anymore.
I want to die at the same time i want to live. I want to go forever in peace but I want to explore life in different perspectives. I live in hell, and everyday is a battlefield and i want to feel what heaven feels like. I’m craving for some time alone. I want to go to a place away from socialization, i want to walk away from everything even just for a while. Sometimes, i want to live and every moment, i’m searching for peace.
Good morning to all my Christmas goers. I woke up today feeling good actually. Its going to be 80 degrees in Virginia beach where I live so much m pretty sure that means a good day is waiting for me . It usually freezing this time of the year . Apparently it hasn’t been this hot since 1895. So great. I’m probably gonna head to the beach and read some of this book and walk the trails . I’m actually feeling like doing something with my self today .
I can’t believe I’m so frustrated over sausage!! So the people I live with have been super nice and insisted I eat real food instead of live off of ramen. I think I’m gaining weight from not being so starved and having food besides ramen. Ramen is all I can literally afford on my own. But they made sausage in sour kraut 3 nights ago and have had me drooling over it. But then, it was to be saved for the next day. And then the next. And then the next. It’s driving me fucking crazy!! All I want is a god damned sausage! Geez how priorities have changed. I used to get frustrated over the guy I have loved/love, but now I’m frustrated as fuck coz I’m never gonna get to have any of that sausage!
I used to believe that people who commit suicide face a similar afterlife so their suffering doesen’t ceasse to exist. A very spiritual person once told me that those who commit suicide face miserable lifetimes.
However, there are positive near death experiences about people who attempted suicide, which show a complete and different reality.
I don’t know what to believe in anymore. However, thinking of suicide gives me peace. I am positive about the afterlife.(atheists please don’t comment about this topic).
So, I imagine a positive afterlife. I imagine myself healthy and enjoying life again. I imagine having another incarnation. I am born in a tranquil family, I am very little and I play with my toys. I have forgot everything about my previous lifetime.
God has decided to allow me to experience happiness in this lifetime. A great destiny awaits me. I know nothing about it and I continue playing in my small apartment. I am the only child and my family is not rich. However, we have enough to afford a peaceful existence.
Sometimes I imagine that I have another lifetime in the future. So, I live in a city of the future in some sort of apartment. I’m completely alone and I am raised by robots. I know nothing about the existence but I put many philosophical questions despite my young age. Who are we humans? Where do you come from? We come from the stars.
Where do we go? We go to other regions of the universe.
From an endless dream we have come, an endless dream we live and to an endless dream we will go. This is the dream of life.
Sometimes I imagine images of my city. I see the yellow blocks and their flats with balconies. I also see the blue sky and I have a feeling of afterlife existence.
Today, I had a quite positive day. And yesterday the same.
Nonetheless I think of death more and more. After all why should I live when I have the innate desire to experience something else, another form of existence.
(This is a long post, someone please read.)
My name is Brii. I am 21 years old. My birthday is January 11th. I’m a beauty advisor, and I ust to work at the most popular sucessful bar in town not that long ago. I live in a smaller town in Iowa. There’s not much to do here. Everyone knows everyone here, they all know who you are and what you are before even meeting you. There are good people here, but it’s very lonely no matter how many people you know. Who is your friend, your family, anyone. They all seem to live day to day, no care in the world. Everyone tries to make you happy. But it all seems like a lie. They live in bliss. I live scared but yet collected. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I can’t stand living trapped in my head one more day. Every day I’m living just to watch it all go by. These people try their best to keep me happy. I wonder if they know that I’ve been living on the edge all this time. I wonder if they know how much I struggle. I wonder if they believe I’m fine.
I’ve been living for the past 7, almost 8 years batteling myself. There are points in my life where everything is ok. That I look forward to the next day. Then the days where I struggle to get out of bed. When I haven’t brushed my teeth in days, taken a shower, changed any clothing item, and ate or drank anything. I find myself either awake for days when I’m like this. Or asleep for 18+ hours at a time. I can’t help but cry for hours or lay in bed completely numb to the world. But then some days something comes over me and I tell myself I need to surround myself with people. A stranger for all I care. I can’t be alone. The day I want to be alone are the days im clutching on to sever different pill bottles I’ve saved for suicidal tendacies. Sleeping pills, psychiatric pills, and pain killers. I must have over 1,000 pills I’ve saved for years from everything I’ve been prescribed. I’m a fucking disgrace. Im a pansy. Why do I want to go by medication, over dose. I tell myself it’s the easiest way. But everyone knows over does isn’t easy or always sucessful. I know this all too well. I slice my leggs open on days I want to feel like I have control in my life. I lose control so often. Sometimes it’s the only thing I have that I can make a decision on souly by myself. Im tired. It’s been years since ive been fully ok. Even though I have my good periods, it always lingers on the back of my mind. Some days it makes me happy to think about death. It excites me. I’m curious to see how my after life goes. I have an idea. I’ve been announced dead for a few seconds before. It’s unsettiling and calming all in one.
I’ve had one almost sucessful suicide attempt. But I ended up contacting someone I use to hold so close to me. Just so I could say good-bye verbally. He called the ambulance on me. I remember the inital over dose. I took way too many pills to count. I didn’t eat or drink for days, besides the alcohol that night to speed up the process. I laid in bed, with my suicide letter written out on my night stand. I had several letters, each for every person I ever cared about in my life. And one inital letter. I had a will written out, my room cleaned. Everything packed away and ready to be removed from where I resided. I had all of my personal information written down, passwords, important documents, everything. I laid in my bed and I remember the feeling of a tingling sensation throughout my entire body. Like when your foot falls asleep and it’s almost awake again. My ears began to ring. My vission was blurry from either crying for so long or the medications kicking in. My heart started to race, I couldn’t move. My stomach was the most upset it’s ever been. I remember passing out. Then waking up in an ambulance. A paramedic asking me questions. Fading in and out of conciouness. I remember trying to speak. I don’t remember arriving at the hospital. But I remember my best friend at the time being there. I’m not sure if I was hallucinating. But she was clutching my arm and hand, hovered over my bed crying. I don’t know how she got there or found out. Im not sure if she even was there. But I remember telling her that I’m happy, I’m finally happy. Then everything went black. I remember waking up and vomiting. Your stomach being pumped isn’t pleasent. You choke and gag. A tube shoved down your throat. Your stomach, throat, everything hurts for days. I remember before waking up. Hearing sirens, screaming, shaking uncontroably but not being able to move, you feel trapped, enclosed, like the entire univers just caved in on you. And you become nothing. I now know and can concept what exactly nothing is. It’s scary. I found out later that my body quit on me. I remember laying in ICU for days it seemed, hooked up to all these different monitors. I remember being alone. I remember later being wheeled to the MHU. And staying there for over a month. Days turned into months. I didn’t talk to anyone for days. I laid in my provided room for what seemed like forever. I had few to little visitors. My two best friends, Jordan and Heather. My mother and grandmother. I remember leaving MHU, and not even two days later I was at my friends house and was trying to overdose again. I ended up back in the hospital again. I did not want to live anymore.
What drew me to suicide to begin with? I remember starting to have suicidal thoughts when I was 11. And I’ve been dealing with it to this very day. The first attempt I had was when I was 13. I tried to hang myself. But my support for my rope was too weak and broke after a few seconds. Suicide. It’s bliss, it’s the most beautiful thing in life. You either live with it forever, or actually act upon it. I guess why I’m so stuck on suicide is because of my life.
My father abused my mother and I physically for years. My father was a meth addict and an alcoholic, my mother was young and in love. My mother was only 1 month and 2 days newly 16 when she gave birth to me. My father not much older. My mother stayed with my father until I was 12 years old. For years I watched my father beat my mother. Including beating me. He never touched my little brother though, only verbally threatened him. I always made sure my brother was never harmed. But now my brother and I are no longer close since our father left. I remember one night my father and mother were arguing, he is once again drunk. I was in my little brothers room holding him. I was about 8 and he was 6. I remember the screaming getting louder. So I told my brother to stay in bed. I got up and walked to the door. I cracked it open, and from the room you could clearly see the bathroom, where my mother and father were. My mother has always found the bathroom her safe place, it was the only door that locked in the house. She still does to this day. But the door to the bathroom was open this time and they were standing in the bathroom screaming at each other. My father ended up gripping my mothers hair by the back of the head and slamming her face in the slice of wall that connected to the shower. Then she collapsed. He then took her head and slammed it so hard into the tiled floor in the bathroom that you could see the basement. I remember running out of my brothers room towards my mom, screaming. And I don’t remember much after that until going to the hospital with my dad and brother after I believe the ambulance picked her up. My mother had medical tape wrapped around her head and a neck brace on, hooked up to macines. I remember staying the night in the hospital with my mom. But in the room next to hers with my brother. She didn’t want us to see her like that. There were nights I was alone with my father as well. And he would hit me or drag me by my hair if I didn’t behave. I won’t get into too much detail about the abuse I went through from him. Because I’m sure every single one of you reading this can imagine what it was like. I have much of my story to tell. After my dad was out of the picture, which I haven’t seen him or talked to him since I was 14, except for the time we walked past each other in Wal-Mart 3 years ago. My mother met a new guy. She had met him over the internet, on myspace. He immediately moved in with us after a few weeks. And my mother got engaged to him after 6 months of knowing him. He had/has a son, and he is around 6 ft. tall, about 300 lbs. Now my mother barely knew this guy. But she is still married to him, and him and his son who is about 11 now still live with my mother. Don’t get me wrong I love my step brother and I wish my mother could keep him. That kid looks up to me like a super hero. But I hate my mother for letting them stay. But I love my mother because she’s my mother. But why. Why mom. Why do you do this to me. I can’t help but think that you don’t love me. I just want to be fucking loved. I don’t know how to put into words how I’m feeling and what I went thought. So I’m just going to say it. I was sexually asulted for 3 years by my mothers husband. My mother even once found a fucked up photo of me on his phone. And she just told herself it wasn’t me pretty much. Why mother. Why. I was getting fondled and anally raped for three years and you were never there for me. Almost every fucking morning for three years! At 5 a.m. Before you would wake up at 6:30 a.m. I wish you would have woke up mother! My room was a loft! I had no door, two walls railing and a cealing! Why didn’t you wake up! I couldn’t scream for you for 3 years mother! I just wanted you to wake up and save me! Just fucking wake up, please I begged of you! And the day I told you, a few days before I turned 18, you didn’t fucking believe me! You chose him over your own daughter, your fucking flesh and blood! Your flesh and blood! I can’t believe you! I need to fucking stop. I need to fucking stop. I need to get over this in this moment and continue my fucking story. I told my ex before you mother. And you know this. I had to let it out before I ended up dead. I told him and two days after I told you. My ex that I dated for almost three years cared a lot more than you ever did at that time. I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF AFTER THE NIGHT I TOLD YOU! I WAS ALONE! My ex, mike, called me when I was in MHU and told me exactly “I can’t do this anymore Brianna, I’m leaving you. I’m in california trying to get through my contract in the United States Marine Corps. I’m so far away and I can’t help you anymore. I’m sorry, I don’t love you anymore.” Then hung up the phone. FUCK! Then you have the never to show up a few days later and tell me! “What about me, what about Aidan, what about Bryant, what about the dogs, where are we going to live, what are we going to do, look at what you’re doing to us, look at what you’re doing to the family.” You never once asked what about your daughter, what is she going to eat, will she have a place to stay, what is she going to do, what about your fucking daughter! If you don’t remember mother the night before I tried to kill myself and you told me you don’t believe me and I need to stop lying. I fucking threw everything in my room, broke a lot of things that night. I was screaming! I was crying! I ran out of my room and threw the dining room chairs, tipped over anything in my path or threw it. I threw everything that was on the kitchen island. I went to the living room and stood in front of the bar for a few seconds, then slammed my head on the bar repetitively, screaming, crying! I did not want to live anymore mother! And every day I have to fucking live with myself! EVERY FUCKING DAY! I want to die. Everyone I ever cared about left me that night. Everyone I ever thought that loved me left me for dead! I was homeless mother! I had to become a stirpper! I sold my body to people just so I could live! So I could show you all that I can do this. And I relaize that I should have died! I was starving, I had nothing and no one for the longest time! I did so much shit I regret doing! Just to fucking live! And doing all of that wasn’t worth living for but I fucking did it for you, for all of you! Just to stay alive for all of you! When I wanted it all to end so badly! I still want it all to end! But I can’t do that to you! Because if I did it would be my fault! I would be selfish! And no one would still even consider to think of me when im dead and gone. You all would be thinking of your fucking self! I want to be dead, it’s my choice and it would make me happy for once in my miserable life! To this day everyone pretends all of this never happened, how can you! How dare you! How dare you do this to me! I’ve spent the past almost 5 years in hell! A living hell. And not until recently, the guy I first fell in love with, zakk. The guy I dated for two years before mike. The guy I tried to contact for the past 5 years just to go get coffee with and talk. The guy that tried to contact me for 5 years to talk and get coffee with me. The guy I’m still in love with. We finally got back together, and he told me he loved me. And that’s all I ever want in life is to be loved for once. My own father and mother can’t even love me so why should you? You gave me hope. I was happy. I was finally fucking happy after years! Then you have the nerve to tell me you don’t love me anymore? That you dont have the same feeling you did 5 years ago. You had sex with me! I let you in! I accepted you! There were no signs! We didn’t fight, argue, anything. Then you hit me with this out of the blue and leave me! You were here I believe 2 night ago, I can’t even tell how many days it’s been already. I was clutching onto a pill bottel trying to over dose right in front of you! And you left me for dead! You struggled trying to take the bottel away from me. I would not let go until you thretened to call the cops. I let go because I cannot go back there. I figured out then and there that I need to plan my death again. I can’t go back there. You fucking left me. After giving me hope. I WANT TO FUCKING HATE YOU! But I can’t I still love you. But I fucking hate myself, I‘m at the point in my life where I’m ready to end it. Fuck, I’m alone again, no matter how many friends I have I’m alone. Who would want me. Not even my own family does. What would ever make me believe you would. I’m pathetic. I’m ready to end it. I can’t do this anymore. And I haven’t even told you my full story. This is just a small piece of the hell I live in every day. You have the idea.
I just want it to end. I’m tired. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved. I will never know what love feels like from someone else. I’m almost at my breaking point again. And this time I’ll make sure it successfully happens.
Not sure if anyone has kept up with any of my posts. But back in October a very close relative I live with almost died, she stopped breathing. I had to perform CPR to try and keep her with me till paramedics arrived. She had a very slow and painful recovery and was released from the hospital a few weeks after. I made sure she took all necessary medications and constantly checked on her and made sure she was eating well. I took her out every sunday since then to have brunch at different places that she hasn’t been to. Because I figure some type of quality time and something like this is all I can afford to do for her. I wish that I could buy her a nice house and nice medical equipment so that she can be in a cleaner more stable environment. I wish that I could take her to travel parts of the world and enjoy what is left of her life. But for now I settle for taking her out to brunch every sunday and driving around the town. Well this past sunday she had a very severe allergic reaction to a medication and her body burned from the inside out. She had blisters that formed and ruptured and her skin peeled off exposing raw flesh. She was diagnosed with a very rare condition and is hospitalized again. I have missed so much school and am behind in class work like no ones business. I have a total of 10 assignments and final exams I need to complete. I can’t afford to fail I literally can’t I spent $5,000 on classes this semester that I am still paying off. My GPA needs to be increased by 0.046 otherwise I will end up behind an entire semester. I know this is probably selfish to say but I missed two weeks of school because of all these emergencies and now I’m struggling. And all the while this is going on I’m sitting here wondering if there truly is a god and if there is how can he be so cruel to my relative. All shes ever done is help others and never asked for anything in return and even in the darkest times she kept her faith. Yet she suffers the most in this world and no matter how bad I wish I could take all her pain away I can’t. And my birthday is tomorrow and it will just be so damn gloomy.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Each day becomes harder to live through. I keep telling myself to just go through it one hour at a time. How could I do it when I can’t even sit still for an hour?
This stupid sickness is the cause of everything. I wish I could just ask doctors to surgically remove my intestines or something.
It feels like life is putting the joke on me, when I think I’m ready to die, it gives me a couple reasons to live, and when I live through it, it gives me more reasons to die and the cycle goes on.
As much as I want to live my life happily, this sickness is just pulling me down, and the longer I live, the more I’m prolonging my agony.
I don’t wanna be selfish and just leave life like this all of a sudden, leave my parents, my family, friends and all I ever had. But then, I’ve been selfless for too long, allowing myself to suffer so others can be okay.
I took a nap and had a scary dream. I was in New York City and it was 9/11 , 2001 and I was standing at the bottom and just started running away because I saw the trade center start to come down and I just saw everyone scream and running with me and sirens every where .Holy shit it was so scary. I’m feeling wierd right now because it really makes me angry that like thousands of people died . All these terrorist attacks even today are like out of control. Isis in Paris … Apparently they are in my state Virginia targeting at cities , and I’m in one of them I’m pretty sure because I live close to military bases. And terrorists are threatening to bomb our malls on Black Friday . Like what the fuck is wrong with the world . I absolutely know that this is the start of world war three … And I’ll most likely get bombed . If this so called God is real, where is he in times like this ? The world is turning to literal shit .
Every day I wake up with the same thought
Reminiscing about the losing battles that I fought
I remind myself of these miserable pasts
So that I may learn and achieve victory at last
Sometimes I win a battle but not the war
I still go on for what I’m fighting for
But lately I have only met defeat
Making it harder to stand on my feet
Must I give up and accept this fate?
Living in shackles with a heavy weight?
I refuse to live in such a way
But losing brings me closer to that day
My enemy is cunning and deceiving
I’m unable to avoid the traps he’s leaving
His favorite weapons are tricks and lies
And everywhere he has ears and eyes
Yet he does not shows himself to me
And attacks me when I think I’m free
He disguises himself so well
That the difference of friend from foe I cannot tell
Because of him I lost many things I hold dear
Because of him I live my life in constant fear
I have grown weary of this fight
It has taken away all my might
Yet he does not give me the mercy of death
Even when he has taken away everything that I have left
I ask him what he is after
He answers me with laughter
(Forgot to post this earlier , saved it as a draft)
Today is like every other day .
i go to class at 7 am get out at 2pm and now I’m at work waiting to clock in.
But today I woke up feeling a little better .
theres no reason why either .
i think it’s because it’s a beautiful day out
I live by the beach and it should be cold right now because winter is almost here but it’s a nice warm day and the sun is out .
it was raining for days and I think it made me sad .
I’m sitting here at work looking out the window wishing I was laying on the beach in the sand or laying in a field of flowers , but I feel content . I feel full.
many days aren’t like this , but I appreciate days like this