If I could go back for a day, I would change everything. My life is a story full of secrets and lies. My life is a huge lie. When people ask me what’s wrong, I just say I’m tired and they fall for it every time. What the hell, people? I want to vent, but I don’t trust anybody and the last time I said anything, they walked away. They walked away because I lied. I want to go back and fix it, but I can’t because I’m not worth it. Why do I have to endure all the pain and stress of this mess? I may be guilty, but I don’t deserve this. No one does. I quit it all. If I had the chance, I would take it, I just don’t know what I would say or do and if anyone reads this, which I doubt anyone will, just know, I would still give my life to see the one person that saved my life once already just one more time before I die. Is that really too much to ask?
I made some changes in my life. I wasn’t happy at my job, so I quit. I’ll need another job eventually, (I’m considering going back to school this fall, even) but for now I’m a house husband, blogger, working on some cosplay (because I wanted to grow up to be an Imagineer), preparing my first novel for self-pub via Amazon, and working on a second novel.
Life isn’t perfect.
Eventually savings will get low, but we’re okay on money for now. Maybe my novel will actually make some money, but I’m not pinning all of my dreams to that star. I’m taking the time to learn how successful self-pub writers promote their books, though, so at least I’m making an effort to succeed.
I’m not happy happy happy all the time, but I’m happier, which is nice. My confidence in myself comes and goes in spurts, but not having had the stress of work for the last few weeks has been tremendous for me. No customers accusing me of willfully not helping them at the behest of my corporate masters, no deadlines to meet other than those I’ve set for myself, and I finally get to spend every evening with my wife and my dog.
Life isn’t perfect, but, for now, I’m doing a little better.
I know I always talk about my ex, but I can’t help it. He is a piece of my depression. A huge piece. I just want to tell someone… I haven’t checked my text messages in 11 days. I turned alerts off. I don’t even know if I have any new messages. I quit cold turkey. It’s like smoking. If he were a cigarette, I would be 11 days cigarette free. The problem is I don’t know if other people are messaging me. It’s not a big deal, it’s not as if I have a ton of friends… they have other ways to get in contact me if they wanted to.
As soon as I turned my messages off on my phone I felt so much relief. I stopped having panic attacks and my suicidal thoughts decreased. I still think of death, but… I was a mess before. Being away from him is good for me. I definitely can’t be his friend like he wants. I feel bad though. I completely cut him off. I know he isn’t as worried about it like I am. His thoughts are on himself, as it should be. And I know he must be tired of me. I wish him well, whatever he is doing…
Alright, fellow depressed ones, back again to give y’all an update on my pathetic, miserable life. Last I posted, I went over a chunk of my life story and left off at my homeless predicament. As of now, I quit my job with a really abusive, corrupt oxygen company and I’m currently enrolled in college. I just had my first day of college today. As is typical of my life, nothing can go right. After two years out of state and a total shift in my appearance and personality, I ended up in class with bullies I’ve known since I was four years old. They tried to get to me and failed. Guess my skin thickened up some.
I was, of course, denied financial aid because I worked for three months. I had to quit my job to go to college because my boss demanded I be available to work at least fifty hours a week. That made college an impossibility. I paid a grand out of pocket for tuition and books for community college. Quite absurd if you ask me. It’s good I can afford a semester though.
I did my best to come out of my shell and talk to people during my first day. I personally introduced myself to my professors at the end of class, to quite a large sum of students, and did my absolute best to fit in and be normal. I was smiling like an idiot because I was so excited to have a fresh chance wish my social life. Nothing’s changed, at all. The new me is met with the same cold shoulders as the old me. I’m again depressed and my only driving motivation is a computer science degree.
On the bright side… I don’t believe I’ve ever had this little to complain about. I really should be getting some sleep, considering I have class in the morning. To wrap this up: I’m still homeless and jumping between friends’ houses. I saved enough to finish two semesters of college, if I’m lucky. I’m spending as much time there as possible for obvious reasons… hell, if my life sucks and I have nowhere else to go, why not go for a degree? Anyway I hope y’all are alright.. I’m lonely and definitely want somebody with whom I can discuss pointless crap. 🙂
Like many others here I have suicidal thoughts but I am not depressed. I don’t think they have to go hand in hand. Even though, I have experienced depression about 5 years ago severly and on -off 3 years at least after that. But now it is as if I don’t remember it anymore.
I feel numb. This spring 2015 I experienced psychosis during which I burned my life to the ground. (Figuratively). I quit university, threw away everything I had, lost friends and over all sense of direction. I did some more crazy stuff and ended up in a mental hospital. I haven’t been able to come back from it all. I was in hospital twice, the second time I actually didnt have psychosis…. Anyway.
I have a plan to go to the train tracks and put my head on the track and let the train drive over my neck. But I have to wait at least a week cause I have to watch mother’s cat while she is travelling and there is no one else to do it.
I feel scared, but life as a cashier and being half alive all the time is worse to me. I have days with nothing to do, I can’t find it in myself to have a hobby or sth like that. I just feel dead even if I am not depressed.
I don’t know everything seems so complicated to me that I just want to end it.
Well, here I go. I quit my job of 15yrs back in May, withdrew what I had in my retirement account. I have been living off of that the last 6months. I can survive another 19 months or so without finding a job. I have found jobs here and there but quit if I just did not like it. My background is in customer service and my last job was working for the local government. I was a supervisor and did not want that responsibility anymore. Most prospective employers pass me by because of my experience and think I would not take the pay cut. I look fairly young for 46, but on paper there is discrimination. I’ve been a closeted gay male all my life. I have been in and out of relationships, one lasting over 10yrs up until recently. I have no friends or family in my life. I feel all alone with no hope. The disappointments, betrayals and hurt is too much to bear. Every time I let someone get close to me, they end up hurting me. This is not the way a person should live. I spend all my days alone, I don’t fit in with people. I feel like an outcast. I have contemplated suicide many times, but the time has come. The only thing is.. I cannot figure out how to do it. I want to get a gun and shoot myself in the head or hang myself. I just want to go with little to no pain. I’m mentally drained and wish it all would end. I plan on going another year or so until my money runs out and there is no alternative. I just don’t understand, I’m a good person and have never hurt anyone. People seem to take my kindness for weakness. The thing is.. I hate being around people now. I feel safe in the house and would never leave if I didn’t have to. I’m not sure what God’s plan was for me?? I did not ask to be born this way.
In last domain, like breaking my leg
Was it the smell of the soy-sauce
Like burning plastic
Never, touch me
Weezing and the Muk
The benign in self-destruct
A peasant from thousands of years ago
Had it better
How can I quit, and press start
Maybe I should of tried to be in Africa
Darn, what do you think
Finally…I quit my job. The main source of my depression and misery. Now I will focus on school, my daughter, and strengthening my relationship with my fiancée. Hopefully things get better. I hope he doesn’t feel burdened too much by this…
This is probably the first time that I’ve ever posted somewhere about the issues regarding life‚ hey I’m sure everyone has them‚ but I’m atthe verge of contemplating ending it all.
My childhood was kinda great‚ until the point Ialmost got molested by a guy my dad worked for at the age of 10 thankfully I got the idea what he was “doing”. Another instance was where a distant older cousin she did molest me a little but I’m not sure its like a vague memory I’ve trapped which comes back only in bits I was a 11 year old boy then. I am the youngest of my brothers. Everything began when my eldest brother got in a car accident and almost died‚ I’m happy he came back to us. But the way he did has destroyed my family with him being diagnosed as a schizophrenic. After struggling through school and highschool and entering college I lost my way got heavily into drugs and achochol it got worse after the girl I thought loved me left and married another guy right after a week I told her I wanted a future with her. I quit college and just sat in my room smoking weed and drinking all day after that for almost four years. Then I decided to quit the drugs and booze as I realized it was making me paranoid. It was hard but I did. Decided to get fit and healthy and started going back to college. Then after me going back to college my brother who has mental issues was diagnosed with hogkins lympoma‚ another blow to the family. My other brother is a also a lost soul who has been rediculed all his life even by my father and its destroyed him as well so everything kind of falls on me in the house. My mother is praying and God fearing woman where my father is not‚ recently I discovered that my father also has some mental issues where from time to time he accuses my mother of adultery whereas she never leaves the house or is constantly with one of my brothers and she’s 60 years old. Where’s the logic in that? The other day I snapped and was on the verge of beating the shit out of my father but my brother stopped me. When I look at her I realize what true pain and sorry is‚ her sons who are losers‚ a husband who accuses her of such things with no logic. Another part which has completely destroyed me is the woman I have loved all my life‚ hell she almost died but didn’t and I’ve helped her a lot in terms of advice and life before her cheating death we made plans together about our future together but after her incident she claims she doesn’t remember what those 2 to 4 years were like‚ I still stuck around her helping her the best I can‚ until the day I told her and realized that she hasn’t been. There for me whenever I needed her‚ I told her that I loved her and she said she didn’t love me the way I did .. And I swear I never would’ve fallen for her if I hadn’t seen the same love in her eyes for me before ‚ it’s a real long story about her but I finally told her that I can’t be friends or whatever this is with you anymore as its killing me. She insists that she needs me but doesn’t really show it. If being around her was killing me being away from her surely has. After all of this I can’t connect or relate to people anymore‚ I can’t connect with a woman anymore and I’m losing my way again thinking that I should kill myself but stop only because of my mom‚ to get her out of the hell we are living in.
Sorry for the long post. I just had to get this out somewhere causeI have no one to talk to anymore.
I honestly don’t care anymore. I quit.
So for starters, I’ve tried to commit suicide maybe half a dozen times. Through pills, a few vain attempts at cutting my wrists, which have left my arms embarrassing and cumbersome for finding work. I have been a cutter since I was 15, but those scars are hidden.
I used drugs for many years, meth, x, and shot coke for awhile. Well, I did it, I quit drugs. At 22, but than I started drinking. Real fun drinking, but managed to keep a job. When I didnt have a job, I drank all day and all night.
So I meet a man. Also an alcoholic. We moved out of state and my drinking got worse. Withdrawls without booze.
So, on our anniversary, I got s!$@faced and decided to do it. We had been great that day. I had a stash of several scripts of muscle relaxers, painkillers and several bottles of sleepers. I took them all. My fiance was going to be at the neighbors for a few hours. My fiance came in the room, and found me, laying half on the bed, face turned sideways and unnatural, empty bottles all over the floor. My heart had stopped. He pounded and punched my chest. Dragged me to the bathroom, and dunked my head in cold water. I guess I took a big gasp and my breathe was shallow. IDK why he didnt call 911, claims he didn’t want them to put me in a looney bin. He still tells me now, “you were f@$!ing dead”.
So I made it through that. I was vomiting up whole pills that night. I’m not sure how long it took, but I started going through alcohol withdrawls. You THINK you know, but you don’t, the deliruim tremors or DTs. I had I think 9 seizures, foaming at the mouth, I broke one of my front teeth. I was interacting with my hallucinations. I was holding peoples hands, talking to demons, pulling gold strands out of my tongue. Two days, I’m throwing up pills STILL. This all lasted four days. He thought I was coming back a few times I guess, but I was still hallucinating. The last night, I was screaming and hitting him (vampires were taking me away). He took me to the car to go to the ER, but the neighbors called the cops. They mistreated me, thinking I was on LSD. The hospital took my blood, and after the tests came back, and saw it was DTs, I was sent to a hospital for crazies.
After I left the hospital, I got pregnant that night. I had a miscarriage, at 10 weeks. IDK what the cause was, they told me the mwds I took dont damage fetuses.
Anywho, I havent drank since than. A year ago January 6th, my best friend died, from alcohol withdrawals.
My story was long and maybe boring, but I had to get it out of me. I’m still depressed, maybe more so. I dont have the booze to numb myself, but it didn’t really do that, it magnified my problems. IDK how long I can make it.
So fucking broken… I quit.. I’m done… Everything I do I fuck up.. I fail.. Everything’s always a lie… Nothing feels right… All hope is gone… I’m a wreck I can not go on…. Help me out of this hell I’m too weak to reach out.. I guess just lay me down.. I’m ready… I’m not afraid to sleep forever …..
Why is everything always so fucked?! Why am I such a nice guy when everyone is a fuckin dick?! Why do I wear what little heart I somewhat have left on my sleeve for someone to just rip it out step on it stab it shoot it douse it with acid and set it on fire…. I quit…..
I have set a new termination date, and I plan to depart next week. Hopefully this time I do not screw up and end up still alive. I feel trapped, and that I have to make this decision. Although I have been depressed and suicidal for the past seven years, I feel as though my feelings have catalyzed within the past few weeks. I’m sick and tired of always being sick and tired. Sick and tired of being a stupid, worthless,and hated burden on those that are around me. I am nothing more than a failure. I don’t even know why I am posting my goodbye on here, it’s not like anyone is going to care or even notice that I am gone. Regardless, I cannot do this anymore, I quit. Guess life is another thing that I have failed in. Like I said, I am nothing but a failure and a disappointment to everyone. So I guess this is goodbye.
Today was the day that I was supposed to die, but I have failed once again. All week I have been getting my affairs in order, and I was finally ready to depart from this world. I woke up, went to my one and only class, and left class feeling completely and utterly at ease, and at peace with what I was about to do. My letter was written, I had said my goodbyes, I was ready. I drove home from class, and started tearing up a little bit in the car, but that quickly subsided when I realized that everything was going to be over soon. Today is the day that I die, repeated like a mantra in my head, as I pulled into my driveway. My roommate isn’t expected to be home until late tonight, so I knew that I didn’t have to worry about him coming home to soon. The worst part was that I actually followed through with my plan, and I failed. The last thing that I remember was blacking out whilst listening to my favorite song. I remember thinking that I had finally succeeded at dying after all of these miserable years before everything went black. Unfortunately, six hours later I woke up on the floor, with the realization that sometime in my process of dying that the rope had broken. I have failed once again. I cannot even kill myself right. I do not deserve to be alive. I do not want to be here anymore. I hate this, but most of all I hate myself. I cannot do this anymore, I quit.