I just ordered my sleeping pills for the first time. I have been feeling xtremely suicidal after I lost my job and seeing the love of my life married to someone else. I have a feeling that there is nothing I do to screw things up but it somehow gets it’s own way out there. I have failed relationships in the past and it took me years to get back to a normal life (though I was stressed out of the “worthless” feeling Everyday). I stopped talkin to my friends as they keep saying the same crap that “things will get better” and the ‘shallow talk’ that I can’t imagine hearing anymore. I have been in this state of depression and lonliness for ten years now. Now I’m in the middle of nowhere and feel completely worthless. Most of us face these situations I understand I just can’t put it in words. Ive been strong for a very long time and I’m broken and damaged that I want to give up. Every Friend I see has something to hold on to or feel supportive or be happy about despite the problems they face. But I just don’t have anything like them. Ppl around me say they have no words to console me cuz they have been watching my life’s getting worse every single day. I wish the pills take me off that I never have to face this betraying selfish world that makes me a loser every single day.
i’m a failure
I can never stick to the plan. Planning my suicide was probably a mistake. I told myself I’ll hang myself after I’ll come back home from a trip which I just did. My parents will be out tomorrow so it seems like a perfect time to do it. But I can’t. I’m a failure. I tried killing myself in the past but I ended up just talking too many pills and passing out. I’m afraid i won’t be able to do it. I suck at everything including suicide.
So I’ve calmly explained to my family that my child needs to eat all day.
And then they wonder why I’m suddenly screaming full bore about how they need to eat.
It’s day 3 of them not having an appetite. It’s a fact toddlers do this but mine absolutely CANNOT do this.
They have failure to thrive and we’re in the closing stages of a child services investigation. I’ve successfully brought them home from foster care but our battle isn’t over. The state is going to continue harassing us, even after the case is closed.
I can’t afford my child losing any kind of weight. They have to eat and if it’s nothing but junk food so be it. I’ll fix their eating habits later. Our family dynamic depends largely on their weight.
I’m currently expecting another child because I’m going in the right direction but I could lose this child too if things suddenly go bad again.
I lost my child for 2 reasons. They have failure to thrive and I have mental illness.
After a decade of treatment I’ve learned to accept it and at this point doctors have literally told me I’ll never get better I can only manage symptoms.
So come postpartum I will lie about how I’m doing and pray to God my children grow at a normal rate. They need to stay with their parents. Foster care outcomes are terrible.
There’s a high possibility that I won’t make it through the depression aspects of postpartum if it’s bad again. I’m ok with that, especially if it means my kids can stay with their biological families.
I’m sure this raises the question “why have kids then?” as many of the readers here probably already bad days, months, and years come and go. Not trying at all to have the life I always wanted would most likely be more damaging then trying and struggling or completely failing.
My family made sure to remind me how my mental illness is a problem. In their eyes my child’s weight had no role it’s all my fault because I can’t get “better”.
I don’t know anymore. Maybe they are right. Maybe my problems are all because I’m “sick”. Maybe things will never get better for anybody near me until I’m gone. Maybe they’ve been right all along when they say my child would be better off in foster care.
I’m having Braxton Hicks or real contractions right now from being so upset. I can’t tell. I didn’t have normal labor with the first. Clearly I’m so messed up I hurt my kids before they’re born.
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring place !
everything is all about MONEY , business , and profits only ! even though actually Life is SO MUCH MORE than that ! ie: imagination , dreams , creativity , Love , education , inspiration , helping each other , Heart & SOUL , genuine things , sharing , laughter , collaboration together , science , philosophy , and mankind / humanity / civilization make a great jump / leap forward in progress to a totally NEW era / civilization / Mankind / Humanity ! instead of only repeating the same , stupid, shallow, superficial, ignorant , narrow minded , dull , boring , petty , miniscule , & meaningless things like politics, wars about who has the most MONEY , fighting over religion , race differences, etc etc !
I used to have hope for Humanity , hope for Mankind , hope for humans , hope for people , hope for human race , hope for Mankind ‘s civilization … but now unfortunately / sadly I lose hope in humanity , lose hope for mankind , lose hope for humans , lost hope for people , lost hope for human race, losing hope for Mankind ‘s civilization ,.. Humanity is hopeless , Mankind is hopeless , human race is hopeless , human beings is / are hopeless , mankind ‘s civilization is hopeless .. !
I hate people / humans / humanity / society sometimes !
anyone also feel the same ? anyone can relate ?
(PS: have you guys also heard of some alternative movements / solutions like for example : Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project , the Zeitgeist Movement , Thrive movement , Paradigm Shift , Basic Income movement , Equal Income movement ? what do you think ? will it work out as an alternative / solution for our current society ‘s problems ? )