I cant stand the depressions i keep getting.im on all these fancy medications and ive had 6 major depressions in the last year.sometimes i loose hope and just want to hide but i cant and its painful just to breath.does anyone else feel this way?
Tag:
Impulses
It is 2:08am and I’ve been in my bedroom listening to my wretched father having a conversation with another man who shall not be named. Every word out of his drunken mouth is like a kick over yet another bottomless cliff.
A little history lesson for all the readers:
Long version:
All my life this drunk has belittled, criticized, ridiculed and harassed his family. He cares only about himself and isn’t afraid to show it. Breath wreaking of cheap beer shouting everything I never needed to hear! My mother was and is too submissive to do anything and then beats herself up for it. My entire childhood was […]
I don’t understand why I feel this way. It’s like no matter what I do I am still a pathetic worthless piece of trash who deserves to be beaten and raped. I am 22 now and my life should be better I haven’t talked to my step dad in 7 years. I thought I was better now. Last spring I was raped by two strangers and ever since I have been lashing out at people. I want them to hurt me because if I star it then the only person I have to blame is me… The down side is that now I just want […]
Unfortunately I won’t die from this. I’ve never cut myself purposely, at least I don’t think so. But tonight as I was holding the knife it just came over me. With all my might I stabbed myself in the wrist. Can’t remember what I was thinking… or if I was thinking anything at all.
At first there was nothing. Then it came flowing out. All the little red blood cells making their escape from the miserable prison.
Soon, very soon, I won’t just be playing around. The impulses are getting stronger, more violent. I was supposed to die 2 years ago when she died. Since then I’ve […]
My telling you on the nightline service “I am not that strong of a person†translates to “I am going to kill myself, but I don’t want you to lock me up so I won’t say it out loud and commit myself.â€Â I don’t know how or when. As soon as possible. As soon as I can find the right way. Pills won’t do it…I’ve even heard cyanide won’t do it unless you are a chemist and know how to brew it just right. I envy that old couple that took their life together sipping cyanide from their teacups. Jumping in front of a train […]
Ive been thinking about it all day. Â I’ve realized it’s just a matter of time before my impulses get too bad and I attempt suicide again and fail again and lose everything and end up in a hospital again and ruin all my relationships. Â So I accept defeat. Â I’m going to plan this out and do it right so there is no going back.
I really don’t understand. Nothing affects me like my father. I’ve had my brother tell me he is so disappointed in me, that I am selfish and immature, that I abuse the ones I love with what I do, that all I care about is attention-seeking, that I’m going to fail in life. I’ve had my mother tell me that she simply can’t believe that I am not doing this to hurt her. That my cutting, that my suicide attempts, that even my physical illnesses like my catatonic episodes where I ended up in Hopkins Neurology because I couldn’t move my body, that all of […]
It never gets better.
Maybe it does for others, but not for me.
When I was younger I heard a song that said “love heals the heart,” and I protested, saying that it only seems to heal the heart, and just brings more pain. The last year had changed my mind. My boyfriend is great. Finally felt safe. But now I’m realizing I was right. I love him. So much. Yet he still brings pain. I mean we all do, I guess. But it’s so unfair.
He hurt himself again tonight. 10 minutes after the promise not to expired. I was planning on renewing the […]
I want to give up I want to kill myself. I’ve worked out a couple of ideas jump from the story bridge, take all the pills I have (I’ve got about50) or/and hang myself. Jumping feels like the most reliable. Anyway can someone just tell me to give up, I’m sick of the supporting comments it stops me from acting on my impulses. So please if you’re going to comment tell me to end of everything. Tell me everything’s pointless. Tell me il be a failure and a nobody for the rest of my miserable life and I should accept my inevitable fate
I was doing some reading on Bipolar II, and under the category of “Hypomanic Episodes”, one of the symptoms is “Unrealistic optimism”. I wish I hadn’t read that now. It makes me wonder that this optimism that I’ve held onto so tightly for the past few days now is unrealistic, this dream of finding a job and moving to California.
I don’t really feel like I’m in a “hypomanic episode”. I’ve been there before, I know what they feel like. I don’t have the increased energy or happy go lucky feeling or strange impulses. I’m still struggling every day to make myself get out of bed […]
Theory:
As children, we have primal impulses, pleasures, thoughts, actions, etc. As we grow into our teen years, society does it’s best to strip us of these characteristics. This “stripping” us of what naturally pleases us by imposing infinite amounts of rules that have no benefit to us, cause us to instinctively resist. Society calls this resistance “teenage angst” or “hormones”. Sooner or later, we all seem to comply. We go about our mundane existence feeling empty and purposeless inside. Why would our society condone and administer such a hostile act?
The answer is simple:Â The ones who control our society are the same ones who profit […]
I should start off by saying I may not be someone anyone should look to for guidance or good advice. I am a survivor of a serious suicide attempt and many days are still a struggle for me.
I haven’t read through the site enough to determine if it’s a place where most of the posters are dealing with suicidal thoughts and mental health issues or if there is a large percentage of people who are in a good place mentally and are offering up advice. It seems to be a combination of both, with the earlier making up for most of the content.
Nonetheless, […]
Okay, one more time, I am going to try to go the Professional route. Too much seething anger when the depression fades, I am beating my appliances and slamming doors and just having too many impulses to tear my hair out or beat my own face. Did a lot of face slapping and strangling Monday and Tuesday. Roller coastering from numbness to anger to depression. Having to bite my lip hard not to say insulting things to co workers and get fired. Knowing this is crazy and useless and wrong isn’t helping. Gonna take one more stab at prescription help. Wish me luck
This really pains me to say this but…….I’m a pedophile or maybe a board-line/recovering pedophile if that exist. That’s just one of the reason I hate myself so much. To give u a quick run down of my disaster life it goes like this:
· I’m in my twenties
· Never had a girlfriend
· Super depress (obviously suicidal)
· Masturbate two-three times a day
· Small group of friends
· Tried therapy
· Tried medications
· Self help book
· Even hypnosis
· All & all basically a total definition of a loser
The worst part is that I’m entrusted with the care of a beautiful little girl who is the daughter of a close […]
so another great day at skool… i shut myself down during my first class and couldn’t function mentally.i found out that next week sometime i will have to disect a frog… the only problem is that im afraid of the fact i will be holding a sharp object and i will have to fight my impulses. so after that somebody handed me a stapler… you have no idea how much i wanted to staple my fingers… just to feel the pain, to know i was still alive still human. thats one reason y i cut myself… to know im still alive and human. so my […]
I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t know what to do. I should be a functioning college student but all I can think about is death. My death. Images, thoughts, impulses, plans…attempt…and I just can’t get it to go away. taking pills didn’t even make it go away, it just made my life more miserable than ever plus this overhanging feeling that I SHOULD have died so why on earth am I STILL here??? I want to get out and I don’t know how other than a shotgun to the head. I need out. […]
I was 13 when I realized that I would inevitably die.
I saw my body changing, and unlike most young teens who would
Enter a phase in which they cannot control their raging hormones and impulses, I merely noted the changes as the first leap toward my inevitable demise.
You see,
The change itself is what inspired this cognition.
I watched myself mature and it disgusted me.
My thoughts became more intelligent and clear, but apprehension and the reluctant realization of my mortality were the first discernible responses to the Change.
Life, at that moment, lost its magic.
I began writing. I played the guitar, in my room, […]
I am as empty as I am alone.15 years of fighting my impulses and depression has left me little more than a shell.I’ve been waiting for life to show me that it’s worth living,but I think I’ve lost the point somewhere along the way.I feel like I’m drowning.I don’t talk to anyone about the way I feel,and noone seems to care.I’ve done and been through so much,but it’s never the good stuff that stays with me.It’s the pain and heartbreak that haunts me.My pain has far outweighed my ability to cope and it seems like things get worse every year.I destroy everything I touch and […]