Ive been thinking about suicide for a few months now. I’m at that age where everybody I knew is getting their corporate jobs, getting married and moving away. I’ve been thinking about suicide because I’m such a piece of shit. Social anxiety makes it hard to get/keep a job. I sit on my couch all day wondering how nice it would be having a good job, a loving family and friends. My mom thinks I’m a failure and I believe it. The only thing that’s kept me from ending it all in the past was wondering if she’d be able to take the shock, but […]
This is a scenario I have played out a few times in my mind. I sometimes wish I had an observer so I could show them all the mental suffering I go through on a daily basis. Everything from how interactions with people is basically me being an anxious, dumb minded wreck to seeing how little enjoyment I get from the things I should be enjoying.
Ideally the observer should be placed in my head and feel the same things (ooo maybe a cool sci fi story can be made about this). They eventually will soon realize that something must be done and this state cannot […]
My head is screaming. My body is screaming. The voices and intrusive images are taking over. A crushing weight is sitting on my chest. I feel closer to the monsters in my head than the people who surround me. I can’t breathe and I can only think of ways to bring about physical pain to make the mental insanity end. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of pretending that I can survive this war that I never had a choice in. I did not choose to be born, nor did I choose to participate in this insanity that circulates in my head. I want so […]
I can’t handle this abuse I get from you anymore I’ve had enough you pick at me, you yell, you scream. Call me names do your worst punch me, kick me, slap me. It’s nothing I’m not use to. You always deprived me of my bed whenever you were angry at me made me sleep in the hallway sometimes the bathroom even in the garage. You punish me because of what others do to you. You have no guts to stand up to them yet what you do to me is what you should do to them but what you do and how you treat […]
Hello everyone. I’m posting to tell you all a personal little story about life and death.
Ever since I was a kid, I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and ideations. I have attempted several times, but here I am.
It is not always true what they say about it getting better. Sometimes it has to get much, much worse first, and in all honesty, life will never be better, it will always be a roller coaster of events and emotions.
Last Wednesday night I was staying at my sisters’ apartment where she lives on the second floor. In the bedroom that I stayed in were […]
It’s like I’m stuck in limp mode like a vehicle does when something seriously goes wrong with it. Even when I’m not in a depressed state I find myself conserving energy in everything I do. I’ll have a piece of toast for breakfast instead of eggs because it’s easier. I won’t do my hair or wear decent clothes (laundry) if I’m not leaving the house (which is at least 5 days of the week). Then when I do leave the house I do the bare minimum to just not look like a complete slob. It seems like complete laziness, but I just can’t seem to justify making […]
I’m new here. Excuse my bad grammar skills.
also apologies for the extremely long first post.
I’ve been creeping a couple days now not as a member reading some of the posts and although sad, they made me feel home. There’s a couple things i want to get off my chest personally because i feel as though i cant go to anyone. my family is not the lovey dovey type, i didn’t grow up with mandatory family time, my parents and siblings were not involved in my personal life, And i’m not here to complain or whine, i did not grow up neglected but i just never […]
I think, my mind is ready. I have been constantly thinking about suicide for, I can’t remember how long. And I tried to get better but only got steadily worse. Now instead of dreams where I am killed by other people, for the last 5 days it is myself that is throwing themselves into the void over and over again.
I have an outdated suicide note in my nightstand. Written a couple of weeks ago… not sure if I should revise it last minute or tear it up completely.
I feel no words could explain why I want to off myself. I failed to convey it to them […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I am so disappointed in myself… last week I finally seemed to get a grip on my Psyche but nope.
This morning the voices and the doubts and the fear crashed back into my consious like a Bulldozer with airhorns.
The laughter, taunting and insults returned blarring in my head… it is so loud. I can’t eat or drink, I get sick from it.
Thanks to this I tried on a large plastic bag to see if it was suitable and to remove any anxiety once I hopefully get the strenght to fucking end this shit.
Talking with friends pushes them away each time. Shit, I lost a promising […]
You hear all the time how people find comfort in finding others that are going through the same thing as them. I don’t. To me it makes me loose hope that there’s and end to this crap going on in my head.
There are sooooo many people with at least some sort of depression or mental health issues it seems like that’s just the way it is. That’s being human. I think it’s totally unacceptable for a race (as in human race) to have that as a norm. It also kills all hope to be free of it.
I’m just supposed to accept it because everyone else […]
I hate April.
Someone please, beat me till I’m numb. Strangle me… Fucking shatter every bone in my body…
I can feel the pain. The memories flooding my head all at once. I overthink things but this is too much. My thoughts are racing. It feels like last year… Last year’s events are slowly playing out in my head…
I still remember what happened on each day of April. From the first till the 30th. I fucking hate this.
Someone please save me from myself!!!
been in the darkness so long so the darkness is what I became
my world is dark only one way to release the pain
i befriened the steel in the darkness she knows how to ease my pain
alone in the dark no one can hear you scream you can open your mouth but no sound comes out
physical pain is my only release
alone in the dark with the demons and me
The river runs red but it all in my head
Step one, you say, “We need to talk.”
He walks, you say, “Sit down. It’s just a talk.”
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
‘Cause after all you do know best
Try to […]
I’m losing it. I’m breaking. I can’t sleep. The moments I do pass out I find myself suddenly awake. Like when you have a nightmare. Or hear a loud noise. I need to find somewhere else to go. I need to leave this place. I can’t go on like this. I want to die. I want it to end. As if being trapped in my head was bad enough. I’m reliving this nightmare. And I just want to dream.
You managed to wake me up at 6:00 a.m. Because you couldn’t sleep and couldn’t find pills. I was in a dead sleep which is rare for me to come by in this house. Now I can’t fall asleep again. I’m wide awake and afraid to sleep. I even got out of bed to help you find the pills. I was so drowsy that I forgot where I put them. You found them in your room after running around the house looking. I was asleep. You could have let me sleep. I even got up and put on another layer of clothes. I hate sleeping […]
In case any of you were wondering how the other doctor appointment went Thursday…
I have an MRI of my skull scheduled for March 31st.
They’re doing two of them: “with and without contrast”. This means that for the second one, they’re going to inject dye into me so everything in my head lights up like a tacky Las Vegas strip.
I’ve had plenty of MRI’s in my life, but none with dye.
Best case scenario is that it’s a benign mass which isn’t growing.
Or, better yet, that it’s somehow […]
I know I have made seriously idiotic choices while ‘living’ in a zombie-like fog for a very, very long time; I’ve been so lost and absent for what seems like an eternity and I feel horrible for it. I am frozen. And it’s not fair to those around me, who watch as I walk around numb and oblivious. For so long. And I wonder what it all means. And I ruminate endlessly, stuck within my own self-imposed prison. I try to stay positive. I know I have been stronger, that I’m smarter than this, that this isn’t who I really am…or are those lies? So […]
I’ve been here for a few years now, but on and off. My life’s been a rollercoaster really and I’ve been through all sorts of good and bad things. Eventually I would hit a low point, where I really would feel like there’s nothing left for me. The triggers would be different every time. Things always change and that’s so stressful.
But throughout the years, every time I’ve returned here to share my feelings or read others’ stories; this site has always been here. And it looks the same now as it did on my very first day. And there’s something special to me about that. […]
I don’t really know have much of a direction for this post in my head, no horrid incident or crazy profound thoughts, just stuff that runs through my head.
Do you ever wake up and you feel so empty? Not even like sad or upset over anything in particular. You just feel like nothing at all, you just feel so tried that you don’t even know how you’re standing. That’s how I’ve been waking up a lot lately.
I feel like everyone has something they’re good at, something they’re smart about or something they have a passion for. I don’t enjoy anything, I don’t have a talent […]