I’m old now. I wasted my youth being too scared to go out and have fun. Instead i worked at a crappy department store using my money to help my family out of endless drama until I was thinking about killing myself every day. So I re enrolled in college with big plans to be a art teacher. Today I failed the $90 Praxis exam for the 4th time. I was not even close. I’ve missed the deadline to be screened into the education program again and will have to wait another year. This is the only thing I’ve ever tried to to for myself, just for me. But I failed again. I’m a loser. I live at home with my parents, I’m fat and ugly, and I don’t really have any friends. I hate myself. I want to die right now but I don’t want to go to hell or have my family have to pay back my student loans. I’m going to look into finding a way my family wont have to pay back my loans and if I can do it I think I’m going to let go. If God isn’t real and I just stopped existing I would be ok with that. Really I have been thinking about it for a long time and Not existing would be better than all this misery and pain. I don’t know I just wanted to tell someone without them calling the police on me or making me feel guilty. The only thing i am actually good at is working like a dog and spending all my money on my family. I’m a mistake.
It’s been a little over two years now since she left, I know I should be happy that she isn’t in pain anymore but when I think of her and everything we had I can’t help but cry.
Its been two years since my whole world was ruined by the girl who I had known for so many years, my best friend, my rock. I could have helped her, I could have answered her phone call but I just didn’t, I didn’t pick up the phone when I should have.
I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up, im so sorry I wasn’t able to help, oh why, why couldn’t I have helped, oh why.
Two years now, two years of crying at night, two years of blaming myself for everything, two years of being angry at everyone, more importantly at yourself.
When I lost her I lost everything, I lost my reason to be happy, I don’t talk to people about her, because when I do, I miss her more. I suddenly get a pain in my chest and the sudden urge to hurt.
I want her back, but I can’t, she’s dead you can’t bring the dead back to life, but you can send the living to the dead. Let them go. Take their last breath, I’m going to be with her soon, I just need to find the courage to finish myself. I already prepared everything, cleaned my room, put everything in order.
I can’t wait to be with her again, I can’t wait to stop hurting, I can’t wait until I won’t be able to hear anyone, I can’t wait to finally be happy.
Now that she’s gone, it seems like everything is getting worse, I miss her, and in gonna be with her soon.
I just broke down crying in front of my mom, I never cry in front of her.
Okay, so I know I talk my ex incessantly, but I never talk about my real pain. I am a caretaker for my 70 year old mother. I forgot to schedule her transportation (because she’s wheelchair bound) for an appointment she has had for months with her pain doctor.
My brain is scattered. I can barely put on my shoes and yet I am bogged down with EVERYTHING. I have to do everything under the sun for her because she is disabled. I also run a business at home and my only real free time is when I can escape to the gym… it was nice when I had my ex because at least I could lean on him for support.
I forgot to schedule transportation for her…. and she’s had the appointment scheduled for months. All day long I’ve been on the phone, trying to get someone to help her out. And nothing. It’s my fault. If she’s in pain, it’s my fault. Everything is my fault. I feel SO bad. She can’t get another appointment for MONTHS because the doctor is booked up. It’s all MY FAULT!!!
I feel so terrible. I told her… I told her that I probably shouldn’t be taking care of her. She looked scared but empathetic. Her choice would be a nursing home. I suffer from depression and anxiety… I have no business trying to take care of my mother.
I don’t know what to do……… To have this much weight on my shoulders…. I don’t wish it upon anybody.
If I tried to kill myself using the pain killer pills Midol and it didn’t work can someone explain the stomach ache I feel??
Let’s say I took 9 pills when the maximum dosage in a day is 6 and I couldn’t sleep through the night nor could I throw up but rather I spent the entire day with my stomach in pain.
I know, i know…this is a rather touchy subject. The fact of you leaving will hurt many people.
Lets just be clear, i am not suggesting or supporting that anyone leave this world, simply stating an opinion anyone may think on.
So your there, in that moment, yes you know the one. And all you can see is you hurting people if you left. Which is true. You will. Theres no doubt in my mind of that. But lets..just…step back moment from thinking about that.
Lets talk about me. I’ll be the genii pig in this example. If i were to leave. Right now..i would hurt lots of people. Yes..because there are people in this world that in some way or another care about us. In some way..any way. But honestly. That doesn’t bother me. Even if that seems shallow. It doesn’t.
The reason why is. Look at me. From a third person view in space. I’m in pain. Deep pain. Relentless pain. Pain that i fear, will never leave me. My life is in shambles. My heart torn into a million pieces, my soul..looking as dead as it ever has. Just barely a spec of light left in it. My body, feels as if i am a trillion years old. I’m not even functional in reality anymore. Just a broken man, barely scraping by.
The saddest thing is, no one knows how bad i am. How close to the edge i am. Leaning off just on the verge of losing my balance. Just. Waiting. Hoping. Direly hoping something will come along and push me over the edge. My loved ones especially dont know this. Maybe a friend or two had an idea. But all of you, are truly the first to see this.
So i know. You all get it. Im bad. No need to stand on a box and say poor me. For the record im not looking for sympathy. Simply understanding. Acknowledgement of where i stand. And i must say. As selfish as it seems, how people feel. Is the last concern on my mind. Because if they knew…if they really knew, if i took their hand and shared every emotion i feel, they would see it too. They would drop their fear of losing me. They would see. That i really am better off in the next life..whatever that may be. Its not being selfish folks. Its called standing up for who you are, and whats really best for you. And alot of people its best to stay, but every now and then theres one of us who just doesn’t fit. Who is an alien to the very world they inhabit. And they were so very gracefully given this life, then i think its their right to decide their own fate. Whatever that may be, for better or worse. Just don’t let your surrounding influence your decision. Sure it takes its toll and does impact you, but what im saying is in that moment where you have the urge to leave. Really think about it. Don’t fall the the fate of sheer impulse. Let yourself search, search high above this crazy world. And you sir ladies will find your answer..just as i have.
Don’t fall to the reaches of fear, pity, or shame..rise to the powers of knowledge, willingness, and most of all pure common sense, and we shall all go far beyond the roller coaster of life ??
My favorite chapter in Harry Potter The Deathly Hallows is The Wandmaker. I haven’t heard many people that say that’s their favorite chapter, but in my opinion, out of all the books, it’s the most well-written. Harry is faced with a choice and he’s finally coming to terms with it. He is battling against himself, fighting the unknown and doing exactly what he needs to do to get things done even if he doesn’t want to do it. He is in pain. The sense of loss he is feeling is paramount. Be he is the only one that can help the situation. I could read this chapter over and over again.
I found myself relating to him. There is so much on my shoulders and every day I walk bent over. I’m in pain. But I have to do this. There is no other choice for me right now. I have to live in my chaos because there is no better way for me right now.
A child so small learning how to open your eyes .takeing your first breath in this beautiful world.
A mother looking down into the eyes of your heart. Learning the truest love on this earth the for your child.
Five days in this world smiling from ear to ear .
A mother looseing her breath because her heart is loosing his .
Five days old in pain eating threw a tube and under a microscope.
A mother finding her heart then finding other worldly fear of looseing it .
Her heart under a knife.
Tears of joy are now filled with fear.
A father see his son taken into the sky baby first flight five days old .
On the six day baby boy will be home and soon seeing his son eyes and smiles.
Little baby boy I held 11 hours old I experience love at first sight . I love you whole heartedly.
I love you Baby and your baby boy .
I can’t escape these thoughts. Maybe it would be different if they told me from the beginning, “you know, there’s a very good chance that this is something you’re going to have to adapt to, because it might go away but you’re probably going to feel these things at some level until the day you die.” But I feel like I’ve passed the point where I could have adapted or changed my thinking patterns. It’s like an obsession, thinking of suicide.
Everyday, I see the train and watch the light approach the platform. I feel the train push the wind into me before it trembles past, blurring against the graffiti backdrop. The sun might glance through the windows in staggered flashes, or the conductor might lean forward just so, tilting his uniform hat towards the crowd. But I don’t think about the sun or the wind or the heartbeat click clack sound of metal wheels on metal tracks. Instead I think, “Is this train moving fast enough to kill effectively?” or “how many seconds would it take between jumping and impact?” or more generally, “is today the day I jump?”
I’m tired of it. I’m tired of these unwelcome thoughts, reminding me of my shameful desire every time I pass a bridge or a tall building, every time I get on a train. Isn’t it possible that maybe the reason some people feel this way is that their souls just don’t fit with reality? Is it really better for them to live in pain than to die an early death? To work 60 years in misery for the hope that you’ll somehow miraculously find happiness when you retire? Fuck that!
I know I don’t have the answers but I wanted to say that the community here has lifted some of the shame and I do feel a little less alone. I am for the most part an observer on this site, yet feel such a great sense of community and support. It’s strange how strangers can do that. I listen and try to learn. And though I might not write a comment, I do hear you and I want you to know that you are loved and you are brave and you are not alone.
I literally have nothing left to live for. My last hope for my future is gone now. My clock is ticking down to the last seconds. I want this pain to just leave me alone, just for a little while. I’m so tired of being in pain… If there was ever a shot at happiness for me, it’s long gone now. It’s gone, just like my dreams.
People say that events in the past I should let go
But the sins I have committed they do not know
Many just don’t know my sacrifice
What I had to do to give my Angel paradise
My life was being filled with Darkness
She saved me before I became heartless
But again I lost my way in the dark mist
I almost slipped back into the abyss
She was holding me from falling under
But her cries was louder than thunder
She was holding on to the rope in pain
Seeing her suffer was driving me insane
Wanting to stop her cries
I started to tell her lies
I told her to let go because I can still climb
Telling that lie was my biggest crime
My regret is not about letting her go
But the truth that she will never know
I deceived her into making that decision
Telling her Lies with deadly precision
But now she is in a better place
Not with me which would be a waste
I can’t help it but I am drowning in guilt
Because our last moments I destroyed the trust we built
so last night I was having a conversation with my mum and one thing lead the the other and I basically said I wanted to die I explained how I feel like iv lived enough already and I can’t take no more I haven’t planned on killing my self yet but now I feel worst because she worrying about me I told her not to worry about me and she started crying saying what would become of her she knows I’m in pain but still wants me to tough it out but I’m not as strong as she thinks I am I’m passed breaking point I should have killed my self last year but didn’t iv really just prolonged my pain and suffering
Everyone will let you down.
It sounds pessimistic, but it’s true. It’s sort of inevitable. When I was younger, I thought that if someone loved you, you automatically loved them back. I thought that everyone would have that perfect, fairy-tale ending. I thought everyone would find their soulmates and all the beautiful feelings of adoration would be reciprocated. Unfortunately for eight-year-old me, this isn’t the case. The sad truth is, you could love someone and give them the world and they could still not give a single damn about you. And you could do the same to them. It took me a long time to figure out that not everyone is going to like you and you aren’t going to like everyone. That’s just the way life works. People only look out for themselves. They don’t care. I thought friends would always be at your side, but I was wrong. I thought family would always support you, but I was wrong. I thought people were truly good, but I was wrong. You could be dying, or in pain, or desperate for help, and no one would step up and do something. No one does anything. You just have to become self-reliant.
I feel so powerless and worthless. I’m in pain again. I just want to take my life.
I can’t cope with life. It’s too painful. It’s torture and agony what I’m going through again.
I was able to distract myself recently and felt good by keeping busy. Yesterday all the pain came back because of a memory of the past. Now I don’t have the will to do anything. I feel so small, insecure and hopeless. I just want to end my life. It’s the only thing that can free me from this nightmare and give me peace.
This a postponed post to avoid my last post of shame.
If you are reading this there are 2 options:
1. I am dead.
2. I am hospitalized.
The first means that I had finally left the world, and succeeded in killing myself. How I did it? I can’t share even though I think it would help some of you. I know it is hard to understand what I mean by this kind of help, but sometimes there are situations when I think we can make an excuse and consider suicide as an only way out from our pain.
The second means that I was close and I will be back after they let me out, or give me my phone, or something, but I hope it will never happen.
Thank you for having me here, for reading my posts, for your comments, for you trying to keep me here (alive) and for your time.
I feel responsible for you, so I don’t want to fool you, if I can’t go through, I’ll back to report about me.
You people kept me going when I was in pain, and I could vent out my demons. Here I could be myself, here I didn’t have to wear a mask.
You are a very nice community.
Deadmanliving: Special thanks to you for talking to me. Please do not give up! As I told you, even if you took little steps to achieve your goals, you took those steps. You took steps! And it is important, you have hope. I wish you the very best from my heart.
Even though I was never a believer, I’m opening a door now, not completely opening it, but I quietly turn the key in the lock.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
I am on my knees in front of you, and I am begging you to forgive my sins.
Forgive me for every sin.
If I cannot be forgiven, then punish me.
Punish me for my sins.
And I am begging you to punish me for my loved ones’ sins too.
Please give them love.
Please give them hope.
Please give them peace.
Please give them happiness.
Please give them health.
Please look after them.
Please take away their sorrow and let me have it.
Please give them everything they have ever wanted and will ever want except of course having me back.
I’m angry. I’m angry and being anxious by being trapped. Angry at my traumatic meaninglessness of a life. I’m not truly suicidal or ugly just anxious. I have emotional trigger points. I have mental blocks I’m so furious at them furious at my helplessness that i channel it inwards and call it depression. I have ideas and i told someone if I’m just mediocre at half of them I’ll be a millionaire. I believe that. I just want to get the fuck out of my own way. Ive lived in pain, helplessness, and hopelessness far to fucking long. Tired of having so many exposed buttons. Tired of being one moment away from suicidal thoughts. Tired of being tired. I have times where i wish i could die. But i know i have a higher chance of making something of my life than dying. If i was in position to afford a sure method i wouldn’t need it. I’ve prayed for the past year or so. I didn’t always believe in god and i don’t currently believe in religion. I don’t believe in a god with the sentience we perceive. Just some thing more like the force if you will. Honestly with what i know about subconscious psychology i know it doesn’t actually matter whether or not I’m right so long as it helps me. I’ll die one day. I deep down i dont want it to be today. I’m just angry that I’m not alive today either.
My cuts say just how much I despise myself. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I see a monster. A fragment and shadow of a person I used to be. Was I ever alive? I definitely don’t feel alive. I constantly need something to remind me that I’m alive.
I don’t know why my heart is still beating. It should have stopped a long time ago. I just keep postponing the inevitable. I will die anyway. We all will. So, why don’t I just end it now? I want it to end now. End it now before it gets broken and hurt even more.
It aches in hunger, in pain…
I’m starting to hate breathing. I used to love taking in a deep breath. I used to feel alive. Now, I don’t even feel human. I hate that to only feel alive, I have to physically hurt myself. I have to cut myself to feel alive. I have to make myself bleed to feel alive. Every single day.
I have no more fight left in me. This is all I am willing to give. All I can give. I don’t have the strength to go on. I’m hanging by a thread.
I will reach a point where not even cutting will make me feel something. There will come a point where this void and emptiness I feel inside will all be what defines me. I’m nothing but an empty shell.
I never wanted to live, not even when I was a child. I still remember when I was 9 years old and cut myself for the first time. I squat there in the sand behind my classroom and sawed at my arm with the metal insert of a wooden ruler until I saw blood. I hated myself so much and the only thing that seemed to take the pressure away was putting myself in pain. When I was 13 I tried a knife for the first time but it was the razor blades I discovered at 20 that changed things for me. In college I used them almost every day.
I’m 26 years old now and I cant seem to make it through a single day without crying or wishing I was dead. It has only gotten worse as I have gotten older. I’m in pain all the time but I have no one to talk to about it. My foster mom thinks i’m being stupid and weak, my friends feel uncomfortable whenever I mention it and I have no significant other to comfort me. I am constantly reminded of my failures in life and know I will never suceed and will never find anyone who will find me worthy enough to be in their life. All I do now is wait for the day I will have the courage to kill myself instead of wishing I could.
So, I found out that my family find out about me. They find out how vulnerable I am. They found that I’m not mentally healthy.
And I find out that they find out quite a time ago.
I should be something ; angery, nervous, anxious. I can also cry, i can be relived I can be worried but I have no feelings. Neither this thing hurt me nor it gave comfort to me. I’m exactly like I was a minute before. Caught in an argument, they confronted, I refused and went to my room. No talk.
It’s kinda funny situation. 😀 Her child is in pain, she didn’t even asked again.
I found out that my mother find out that I’m pain yet she didn’t care to talk. I should have some feelings, but nothing.
Both parties ignored each other. 🙂
It’s kinda funny, isn’t it ? 😀
It’s 4am and I’m lonely.
It’s 4am and I’m questioning my existence again.
It’s 4am and the demons in my head are out to play.
It’s 4am and I’m feeling more miserable by the second.
It’s 4am and I’m in pain, but I don’t trust myself enough to take pills.
It’s 4am and I’ve lost my will.
It’s 4am and I’m depressed.
It’s 4am and I need help.
It’s 4am and minutes pass on.
It’s 4am and there’s no difference between time, because I’ll still be feeling the same as I did at 4am…
So you think that, that’s it. I can’t handle anymore. My life is fucked up. I don’t want to live anymore. I want to die right now. And then you will try to make an attempt, in which you will obviously fail (99.99 % times) and some of you will even fail into making an attempt. You are in pain now but still alive. Now you will try to recover.
But then again something bad (this bad could be anything, some event in real life or just your real imaginary pain in your beautiful mind) will happen. And you will think that’s it. It’s enough. I suffered enough. I can’t suffer anymore. I want to die right this moment. And again you will fail. May be you will even fail into making an attempt.
And again. …
And again. …
And again. …
And again. …
This is an endless cycle. Which you can’t stop. No matter how hard you try. This will never ever end. Not even after you die.
And again. …