I’m old now. I wasted my youth being too scared to go out and have fun. Instead i worked at a crappy department store using my money to help my family out of endless drama until I was thinking about killing myself every day. So I re enrolled in college with big plans to be a art teacher. Today I failed the $90 Praxis exam for the 4th time. I was not even close. I’ve missed the deadline to be screened into the education program again and will have to wait another year. This is the only thing I’ve ever tried to to for myself, […]
Tag:
in pain
It’s been a little over two years now since she left, I know I should be happy that she isn’t in pain anymore but when I think of her and everything we had I can’t help but cry.
Its been two years since my whole world was ruined by the girl who I had known for so many years, my best friend, my rock. I could have helped her, I could have answered her phone call but I just didn’t, I didn’t pick up the phone when I should have.
I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up, im so sorry I wasn’t able to help, oh why, […]
I just broke down crying in front of my mom, I never cry in front of her.
Okay, so I know I talk my ex incessantly, but I never talk about my real pain. I am a caretaker for my 70 year old mother. I forgot to schedule her transportation (because she’s wheelchair bound) for an appointment she has had for months with her pain doctor.
My brain is scattered. I can barely put on my shoes and yet I am bogged down with EVERYTHING. I have to do everything under the sun for her because she is disabled. I also run a business at home and […]
If I tried to kill myself using the pain killer pills Midol and it didn’t work can someone explain the stomach ache I feel??
Let’s say I took 9 pills when the maximum dosage in a day is 6 and I couldn’t sleep through the night nor could I throw up but rather I spent the entire day with my stomach in pain.
I know, i know…this is a rather touchy subject. The fact of you leaving will hurt many people.
Lets just be clear, i am not suggesting or supporting that anyone leave this world, simply stating an opinion anyone may think on.
So your there, in that moment, yes you know the one. And all you can see is you hurting people if you left. Which is true. You will. Theres no doubt in my mind of that. But lets..just…step back moment from thinking about that.
Lets talk about me. I’ll be the genii pig in this example. If i were to leave. Right now..i would hurt lots of people. […]
My favorite chapter in Harry Potter The Deathly Hallows is The Wandmaker. I haven’t heard many people that say that’s their favorite chapter, but in my opinion, out of all the books, it’s the most well-written. Harry is faced with a choice and he’s finally coming to terms with it. He is battling against himself, fighting the unknown and doing exactly what he needs to do to get things done even if he doesn’t want to do it. He is in pain. The sense of loss he is feeling is paramount. Be he is the only one that can help the situation. I could read […]
A child so small learning how to open your eyes .takeing your first breath in this beautiful world.
A mother looking down into the eyes of your heart. Learning the truest love on this earth the for your child.
Five days in this world smiling from ear to ear .
A mother looseing her breath because her heart is loosing his .
Five days old in pain eating threw a tube and under a microscope.
A mother finding her heart then finding other worldly fear of looseing it .
Her heart under a knife.
Tears of joy are now filled with fear.
A father see his son taken into the sky baby first […]
I can’t escape these thoughts. Maybe it would be different if they told me from the beginning, “you know, there’s a very good chance that this is something you’re going to have to adapt to, because it might go away but you’re probably going to feel these things at some level until the day you die.” But I feel like I’ve passed the point where I could have adapted or changed my thinking patterns. It’s like an obsession, thinking of suicide.
Everyday, I see the train and watch the light approach the platform. I feel the train push the wind into me before it trembles past, […]
I literally have nothing left to live for. My last hope for my future is gone now. My clock is ticking down to the last seconds. I want this pain to just leave me alone, just for a little while. I’m so tired of being in pain… If there was ever a shot at happiness for me, it’s long gone now. It’s gone, just like my dreams.
People say that events in the past I should let go
But the sins I have committed they do not know
Many just don’t know my sacrifice
What I had to do to give my Angel paradise
My life was being filled with Darkness
She saved me before I became heartless
But again I lost my way in the dark mist
I almost slipped back into the abyss
She was holding me from falling under
But her cries was louder than thunder
She was holding on to the rope in pain
Seeing her suffer was driving me insane
Wanting to stop her cries
I started to tell her lies
I told her to let go because I can still […]
so last night I was having a conversation with my mum and one thing lead the the other and I basically said I wanted to die I explained how I feel like iv lived enough already and I can’t take no more I haven’t planned on killing my self yet but now I feel worst because she worrying about me I told her not to worry about me and she started crying saying what would become of her she knows I’m in pain but still wants me to tough it out but I’m not as strong as she thinks I am I’m passed breaking point […]
Everyone will let you down.
It sounds pessimistic, but it’s true. It’s sort of inevitable. When I was younger, I thought that if someone loved you, you automatically loved them back. I thought that everyone would have that perfect, fairy-tale ending. I thought everyone would find their soulmates and all the beautiful feelings of adoration would be reciprocated. Unfortunately for eight-year-old me, this isn’t the case. The sad truth is, you could love someone and give them the world and they could still not give a single damn about you. And you could do the same to them. It took me a long time to […]
I feel so powerless and worthless. I’m in pain again. I just want to take my life.
I can’t cope with life. It’s too painful. It’s torture and agony what I’m going through again.
I was able to distract myself recently and felt good by keeping busy. Yesterday all the pain came back because of a memory of the past. Now I don’t have the will to do anything. I feel so small, insecure and hopeless. I just want to end my life. It’s the only thing that can free me from this nightmare and give me peace.
Sigh…
This a postponed post to avoid my last post of shame.
If you are reading this there are 2 options:
1. I am dead.
2. I am hospitalized.
The first means that I had finally left the world, and succeeded in killing myself. How I did it? I can’t share even though I think it would help some of you. I know it is hard to understand what I mean by this kind of help, but sometimes there are situations when I think we can make an excuse and consider suicide as an only way out from our pain.
The second means that I was close and I will […]
I’m angry. I’m angry and being anxious by being trapped. Angry at my traumatic meaninglessness of a life. I’m not truly suicidal or ugly just anxious. I have emotional trigger points. I have mental blocks I’m so furious at them furious at my helplessness that i channel it inwards and call it depression. I have ideas and i told someone if I’m just mediocre at half of them I’ll be a millionaire. I believe that. I just want to get the fuck out of my own way. Ive lived in pain, helplessness, and hopelessness far to fucking long. Tired of having so many exposed buttons. […]
My cuts say just how much I despise myself. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I see a monster. A fragment and shadow of a person I used to be. Was I ever alive? I definitely don’t feel alive. I constantly need something to remind me that I’m alive.
I don’t know why my heart is still beating. It should have stopped a long time ago. I just keep postponing the inevitable. I will die anyway. We all will. So, why don’t I just end it now? I want it to end now. End it now before it gets broken and hurt […]
I never wanted to live, not even when I was a child. I still remember when I was 9 years old and cut myself for the first time. I squat there in the sand behind my classroom and sawed at my arm with the metal insert of a wooden ruler until I saw blood. I hated myself so much and the only thing that seemed to take the pressure away was putting myself in pain. When I was 13 I tried a knife for the first time but it was the razor blades I discovered at 20 that changed things for me. In college I […]
So, I found out that my family find out about me. They find out how vulnerable I am. They found that I’m not mentally healthy.
And I find out that they find out quite a time ago.
I should be something ; angery, nervous, anxious. I can also cry, i can be relived I can be worried but I have no feelings. Neither this thing hurt me nor it gave comfort to me. I’m exactly like I was a minute before. Caught in an argument, they confronted, I refused and went to my room. No talk.
It’s kinda funny situation. 😀 Her child is in pain, […]
It’s 4am and I’m lonely.
It’s 4am and I’m questioning my existence again.
It’s 4am and the demons in my head are out to play.
It’s 4am and I’m feeling more miserable by the second.
It’s 4am and I’m in pain, but I don’t trust myself enough to take pills.
It’s 4am and I’ve lost my will.
It’s 4am and I’m depressed.
It’s 4am and I need help.
It’s 4am and minutes pass on.
It’s 4am and there’s no difference between time, because I’ll still be feeling the same as I did at 4am…
So you think that, that’s it. I can’t handle anymore. My life is fucked up. I don’t want to live anymore. I want to die right now. And then you will try to make an attempt, in which you will obviously fail (99.99 % times) and some of you will even fail into making an attempt. You are in pain now but still alive. Now you will try to recover.
But then again something bad (this bad could be anything, some event in real life or just your real imaginary pain in your beautiful mind) will happen. And you will think that’s it. It’s enough. I […]
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