Does anyone else keep a journal? I read that writing can be therapeutic if you suffer from depression. It was for me at first but then the journal eventually morphed into a written strategy of how and when I am going to exit. Now I’m more intent on exiting than when I started. I’ve done a lot of research on helium hoods and almost ordered the items I need to make one from Amazon yesterday. I stopped when I got worried that my wife would see the charge on our credit card statement and ask me what I bought. Plus, I was not sure where […]
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Journals
I see myself driving to the bridge. I see myself popping some pills and driving. it’s the middle of the night and its pitch black outside. I reach the halfway point in the bridge, I slow down and pull over. I have my backpack neatly prepared on the passenger seat. I leave it there to be found. Inside is my cell phone and my journals. its so clear and I am calm. I exit my car and head to the rail. I climb over take one last breath and fall backwards into the water. These thoughts make me feel free. The urge is getting stronger […]
so when I was 9 I started getting bullied really badly I eventually only had two friends and that was that, all I had on my schedule was crying, being bullied, and crying. then when I was 10 i thought things were getting better but they just4 got worse, my grandma started dying and I loved her dearly. and i missed a few days of school cause i was at the hospital with her. people started to leave me alone a bit and I even started to get more friends. but that didn’t last long. in 5th grade this girl came to my school […]
I have my plan in place, I’ve always tried by pills with no success.  Wed I plan to go in front of a train. I have a meeting and after the meeting it should be dark enough I can do so without being seen until it’s too late.  Right now there is no fear but I am sure when it comes I will feel scared. At least I will feal something. At least I can put all these suicidal thoughts to rest.  I plan on burning all my print journals and closing all my social accounts wed morning. I don’t know if I want to […]
I will not kill myself. I can’t, I just have too much potential. However, I just have this urge to do it anyways. Half of the time, I want to live just to learn about the universe and the wonders of science. Yes, that is right. I only live in the name of science and the curiosity spectrum of my mind. But then half of the time, I tell myself that there is no incentive of living. Let me lay this down for you: I have amnesia (or maybe even Alzheimer at a relatively early age). My mind […]
Note: If I seem like I’m holding back it’s because I’m a little paranoid because my mom found the notes I hid on my laptop 2 days ago
One year to 11 months ago I started feeling empty inside  it was kind out of nowhere, when I started school (i had just started high school) I was in a performing arts program and took dance during the weeks and after a while into the school year( not so far in late September) I decided to quit and drop everything because it was getting overwhelming and I was losing interest in it even though I enjoyed these things […]
I consider myself fairly reasonable, but lately I’ve been contemplating suicide more and more. I am a twenty-three year old man living at his mom’s house. My mom suffers serious emotional problems after my dad died in 2001. She is a good parent, and I am well taken care of at home. Our family even has a fair amount of money. Things could be worse; however, her emotional problems have become aggravated since I graduated college and returned home in December. Even though my full-time job keeps me out of the house for a majority of the day, my mere presence triggers obsessive behavior in […]
I want to do it. One of my friends doesn’t socialize, and sits around playing video games all day. My other friends are self-absorbed and don’t talk to me anymore because they don’t like to listen to me when I have a problem. I hate my job. I can’t go to a bar or party to take my mind off my life because my mother monitors everything about me. She reads my journals, checks my purchases on my bank account, and rifles through my room and computer when I’m not around. She says she has to do this because I don’t open up to her. […]
An email I chose not to send (altered to maintain anonymity):
I am going stir crazy. I really want to see you, but I can’t find a good excuse. Mom is psychologically abusing me, and I don’t think I can take it much longer. She constantly monitors me. She waits until there is no noise coming out of my room before she falls asleep. I don’t even think she sleeps most days. That would explain her insane need for productivity. I have no one to talk to at home who will listen to me and support me. I am trying to see my therapist here without […]
This is going to be more of a rant really. Knowing me, a long(-ish?) post. My apologies (If anyone even goes on to read this) for probably many clichés and awful English. Apparently I’m a fairly good writer. Pah, I wonder who’d still think that after reading my journals? No, I think that people on here and around me are just kinder than I deserve. My friends deserve so much more than me (I’m sorry…).
But yeah, ‘what a surprise’. Choose to die. Fail. Find more reliable ways to die. Fail. Set a date: 101252. Ooh, what a shocker – fail. What’s my freaking problem this time? […]
My life all went down hill when i was 13. My dad married my stepmother and she looked at me if I was cinderella. I was told to do everything in the house and when I was finished I was sent to my room. About that time is when I started writing in my Journals and just giving up in life. When I turned 14 on my birthday my dad and I got in a huge fight. He blamed everyones problems on me and he told me hes going to kill himself because of me. That day is when I tried killing myself for the […]