I’ve always gone back, to the place where I once sat and cried. I can remember the pain, watching all the little kids play and me just sitting there and wanting one to come over and ask if I would like to play with them. I remember when I sat on the swing and watch the girls play jump-rope and the boys played one their game-boys. I remember being alone. It hurt everyday, and everyday even more rage would full me up inside because I wouldn’t eat anything. I remember hating myself and wishing I could start over or die. It didn’t help that my dad was seeing different people while being married to my mom. It made me want to punch when I found out. And then it happened, the divorce and my baby brother was just born and I was only 6. It made things hard for me it effected my grades, I was always getting into trouble, always thinking “why?” Then my mom got a boyfriend and I wasn’t seeing my dad much “I can’t come and get you guys tonight I had something happen.” “What is it daddy?” *In the back ground* “Honey, you should just tell her the truth” “No, I can’t she would be upset about it.” It made me angry, and then my mom later had my half brother that I now can only watch from a view I can’t tell him, it has to be a lie “little cuz” Yeah right. Than the abused and the wounds I went to school with on my back that no one else knew I had” Then so many people leaving my life. And then the fire. After that moving, feeling more lonely every second. Than…people…They noticed me, they said they loved me, they said they wouldn’t leave me. I told them the story, I told them how painful it was, I remember crying tears of joy. I remember smiling every time I saw them smile or laugh. I knew what it was like to be loved, I know that people would care if I were gone. And most of all I know what it feels like to know what it means to be loved. “You may go through hell before getting home.” I found a family that takes me for me, and that is there even in the worse of times. I love them and they love me back. Maybe my real family is only half related to me and my father’s insane but I have a family now that will love me even if I am bisexual. It doesn’t matter anymore who I am. Because now I am happy. There will be bad but there will be good within the bad.
Get up and do something:Â take a walk, ride a bike, do yoga, join a karate class, box, join a gym, join a pool, jump rope, lift weights, ride a skateboard, play with some kids, play baseball, volleyball, tennis, basketball, football, hockey, go skating.Â Just get up, get out, and get moving!
i tried to hang myself when i was like 8 or 9 with a jump rope. i was 13 when i took like 8 different bottles of pills. both attempts didnt work, obviously, but i still have horrible nightmares of past experiences and some weird memories of abuse are coming back to me. i wonder if im going crazy and making stuff up (im 17)… i admit that i’d rather be alright and have had a life where NOTHING bad has happened and everything is perfect but im wondering if im not a psychological hypochondriac..the memories are so vivid though. i can remember feelings, and certain smells or textures will trigger memories to come flying back. sometimes i wonder what is the purpose of life when the only requisite is death. i honestly cannot come up with a long term reason to live. i honestly am not living because i WANT TO. im doing it because everytime im staring down the resource officer’s holster at school, or the bottles of bleach and ammonia in the pantry, or submersing myself in bathwater on a sunday night wondering if i should resurface, i think about who it will affect. i dont know how long it will take me to run out of people to live for. can selflessness last a lifetime?