I’m tired of pretending that nothing is wrong with me. I’m tired of hiding my depression from my friends and family. I’m tired of feeling alone. I just want to escape the path I’m on. I saw a boy in my grade succumb to death, and I didn’t even shed a tear, yet I really want to be with him right now. I’m tired of being the perfect girl, and pretending it doesn’t effect me when someone calls me a skank, cause I’m not. I’ve never even kissed anyone. I’m tired of being the pathetic one that my best friend has to console. I’m tired of living like this. I just want out for a while. I’m tired of this shit.
I drafted this awhile ago but then started feeling better. But my depression has re-triggered and it’s stronger than ever. The anxiety pills and antidepressants don’t work. Drinking doesn’t dull the pain, it now only intensifies it. My therapist and doctors try so hard but I see the worry in their eyes because they know they can’t reach me anymore. I’ve run out of ideas and energy, and my life feels empty and done. It’s time to post this just in case. I need MC to somehow discover the truth. If it’s meant to be, he’ll find this someday. He’ll know it’s him. He and my therapist know the story, but only MC understands the truth.
I truly promise to try my best every day, but if I decide to die I would want MC to know this:
My dearest, dearest friend, you never knew this, but you completely upheaved my life with your tenderness and compassion. You showed me there was more to life and love than just settling for “OK”. I know it was in moments of weakness and fear over the future that you kissed me, I was weak and afraid as well, but the chemistry was there long before our troubles. I worked so hard over the past year to stay friends, not bother you too much and give you your space to be with J, but you slowly pulled away as your life got better and you started treating me with distance. No more caring how I was, very little compassion. And when we would meet I could barely look at you because I so desperately wanted you back as my close, intimate friend but all I felt was your distance.
The major part of my severe depression and anxiety was because I loved you and missed you so much, even when you were right in front of me.
I loved you, but I didn’t necessarily need a sexual affair. All I wanted was another strong close embrace, a stroke of my hair, and maybe a kiss – to feel loved and wanted again. All I wanted was another night of sharing our fears, our hopes, our lives – to feel safe and special again. All I wanted was another night of silliness and laughter, and to gaze into your beautiful dark brown eyes and see the genuine happiness and tender affection I once saw there. Had you initiated and given me these things, my depression would have faded a bit and I would found a little more strength, a little reason, to keep living. To have you as my close friend forever and to feel I was special and truly loved by you was all I wanted and wished for, and it meant everything to me. You know why I could never have asked for them.
In the last few months, without notice, you became more and more distant. You didn’t talk to me in the same way, it was sometimes awkward, and I felt our closeness and a level of trust disappear. I want to believe it’s because you actually love J and were afraid to possibly stray which was a valid possibility at one time. Yet I’ll never be convinced you really want to marry her when everyone knows marriage has been her goal, not yours, for 10 years. But regardless the reason, the more distance you put between us, the more my depression took hold. In the end we ended up more as acquaintances than friends and I just couldn’t bear it.
And on the rare occasion when we would reconnect and click, our innocent flirting left me confused, more lonely, and more depressed. I’m so sorry; I simply couldn’t go back to the innocence we once had. My desire for you and the emptiness of my life crowded out any capability to pretend and act as if nothing ever happened between us. Although you were the one who initiated the kisses, I suspect they meant nothing to you. It’s my deep attraction to you which ruined our friendship; I ruined everything. Please, please forgive me for what I’ve done. But the only way my heart would ever stop loving you is for it to cease to beat. I wish there had been another way.
I truly, truly wish you had never kissed me but I forgive you MC, I really do, because you don’t know the Pandora’s Box of emotion and sorrow you opened within me with those kisses. I often wondered if it evoked anything at all in you. And I forgive you for your distance as well. I would wonder, if you had known I suffered so because of you, would you have kindly reached out more, and would it have been out of love or pity. My biggest regret is that while we’ll never know if we might have proven to have been a disaster as a couple, we both knew we would have been extraordinary lovers. I wish, despite whatever the consequences might have been, we had taken that leap to find out.
When you kissed me farewell,
Your lips left a mark on my cheek.
Strands of feather locks tickled my skin,
And your scent built a nest in my memory.
You took a piece of me with you that night, and it got tangled up in your noose.
The time when I want to die the most is when I think about my friend MC. He kissed me twice, over a year ago, and I’m still so silently, painfully, in love with him over those unexpected kisses. They were unlike any experience I’ve ever had; I felt totally connected to him and complete within myself.
Now he’s getting married to someone else and we barely speak, and my marriage is falling apart for reasons other than MC.
The resulting depression is overwhelming and unbearable.
I keep searching from tarot cards to God to understand why I can’t get over MC, and every time the answer is simply ‘MC is not for you’. But so deep in my heart I simply cannot accept that those emotions were for nothing and we aren’t somehow meant to be together. In these lowest moments I used to pray and beg to the Universe for answers, now I pray for a miracle.
And every night for the past year when I go to bed I simply pray, defeatedly, that I never wake up.
This is the third time I post here, and it’s about the same thing. I’m 24, I’ve never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl or done anything with a girl, and I don’t see this changing anytime during lifetime. And no, I haven’t chosen to be this way. It’s not because I haven’t met the “right” girl or because I have high standards. It’s only simply that I’ve never had luck with women. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of love-shyness or incel, but that’s where I come from.
I’m basically doomed. I’ll either have to live this way and cope in some way (most likely by seeing escorts), or I’ll have to end my life. And to be honest I don’t want to live this way. My youth is already wasted… so what’s the point of having someone in my life at this point? Even if it does happen (which doesn’t seem like it), I won’t be able to enjoy it anymore, and I believe I’ll still feel miserable and lament my wasted youth.
There’s really no point to life when you’re forever alone, getting no relationships and no sex whatsoever. Really what’s the point of life if you can’t experience romance and sex? I prefer to be dead… I’m in no way able to cope, when literally everyone else is getting relationships and sex effortlessly but me.
Warning Explic… Wait, why the fuck am I warning you people about graphic material? You’re big boys and girls. And if you aren’t I am honestly very sorry you are on this site.
She is beautiful. Oh she is not at her best at this moment, no. She wears no makeup on her face, her hair is simply pulled back in a sloppy ponytail, her nails with polish peeling off, and her outfit a menagerie of the most comfortable items in her wardrobe. Yet this woman is stunning. Her kind smile flashes quickly and easily, her hair still soft and flowing in the wind, her hands warm to the touch, and her clothing albeit unusual hugs her body, highlighting every curve. Her body tempts men, almost begs them to touch it, to grab the places that are tender and the places that make a man’s heart pound. The smile that lies only a moment away at any time lights up a man’s soul and makes him wonder how he ever survived without such a divine light in his life. Those hands warm men on the coldest of days, not only their bodies but to the very core of their existence. Her lips, oh God her lips. The are perfectly curved and a man almost regrets when they are hidden or forgotten by a smile. They look simply perfect to kiss, like they were made for that very purpose. Few have ever kissed those lips, she does not give away such gifts freely, it must be earned, not taken. I know for I have kissed those lips, felt them against mine. These kisses were nothing to laugh at, they were driven by an almost insane passion deep within me. The soft texture of her lips against the rough surface of mine, the way the electrified you. I had held her head and she had perhaps ran her hand through my long hair. It was over much too soon. Of course that was only once, and a long time ago at that. She is beautiful for all she is, more than just her body. The very soul of this woman is kind, nurturing, and radiant. If you need help she will be there. If you need a friend she will be one to you. If you need a word of comfort she will give you more than just one. She astounds me, her kindness continues although I have done terrible things. Things that keep me up each night. The kind of things that make one believe in monsters, not those that lurk in storybooks, no. The monsters that lurk in each and every one of us. Those are the ones I now believe in. They are not gentle, they do not care if it hurts, and they do not enjoy your pain. They hurt for no other reason than they can. The two of us have both met these monsters, and we fight them until this very day. She has forgiven me for all the terrible things I have done. For all the atrocities I have committed. I love her for that. She deserves it.
When me and one of my best friends (and her family) were on a holiday in France last summer, we shared a bedroom and our beds were standing in an ‘L’ shaped position, so our heads were next to eachother when we were asleep. One morning I was still sleeping but she was already awake, and I was probably just dreaming when I woke up from a feeling on my head. While I was sleeping she kissed my head and that woke me up, and even though that made my heart skip a beat, I didn’t feel like opening my eyes or smiling to show her that I felt what she did. And I’m so glad I didn’t, because as I started to fall asleep again I felt her lips touching my forehead as she kissed me again. I swear that’s one of the best feelings a human being could ever feel, someone kissing you twice when they think you’re sleeping. I love it because it shows how she didn’t just kiss me ones and was over me after that, but she actually felt like she wanted to kiss me again! And that feels amazing and that made me feel so loved… Not ones, but twice.. Personally I don’t think many things are worth staying alive for, not even the thought of falling in love with someone, but that moment sure as hell was something that I don’t want to forget. And to be honest, that moment is extra special for me to think about now, because she won’t even hug me lately, so… Not ones… But twice…
I have clothes that remind me of better days,
When I was more carefree and had less of my woes.
I have jeans with rips at the knees,
That remind me of dancing, walking, hugging and fun.
I have novelty socks given to me in love,
From a beautiful mother who I no longer see.
I have hats and scarves that were presents,
From friends and lovers and family.
I have shirts that kissed her and felt love,
That were discarded in fits of yearning passion.
I have shorts that have jumped into the sea with me,
and spent long summers wondering coastal paths.
I am lucky. I have clothes
Every thump of each fireworks sounds like a million bullets in my head because I know she’s somewhere looking up smiling with him giving him the same look she gave me once. I want these lights to stop so I can finally fall asleep. I wish there was something I can take that didn’t make me selfish. I’m so alone so alone in this wretched mind. It’s normal now the pain.it feels normal now. The constant anxiety the constant panic it all seems so..welcoming. I’m dead to her today. I’m dead to everyone. I’m waiting to see how long until my courage builds up enough to tolerate the pain of suicide.i was afraid of that word but I feel comfortable saying it now. Doesn’t sound so bad now that I see what everyone will be doing if I did commit suicide. Absolutely nothing. Continuing on with their perfect lives. It wasn’t a relationship to me. That wasn’t a gf or a wife . That was my complete other half. U know how I know that .its because every time I did anything for her and saw her smile I would smile too. I think they finally stopped .the fireworks. I wonder if they kissed under the fireworks .i remember we were in my car one 4th of July cause nothing else mattered to us. In a random parking lot while everyone went out.We completed each other. Completely…maybe tonight will be the night I remove this pain and free myself. Independence Day for me too
I don’t have any friends.
I don’t have anyone.
I’ve never had a girlfriend.
I’ve never had sex.
I’ve never had a job.
I’ve never kissed.
I never take risks.
I never try doing something.
I hate myself.
I despise myself.
I loathe myself.
Never asked for this.
Never wanted to be brought into this world.
I don’t wanna live.
I don’t wanna suffer.
People can be happy, just not me.
Life is beautiful, just not mine.
Life has a meaning and a purpose, I’ll just never be able to fulfil it.
I care to what people think about me.
I’m an attention whore.
I want to be accepted.
I want to fit in.
I want to be just like everyone else.
I’m a selfish bastard.
I like to compare myself to others so I can feel better about myself.
I have no self-esteem.
I hate my reality.
I fucking hate who I am.
I cry often.
I cry in public.
I’m a loser.
I’m a pathetic fucking loser.
I wanna die.
Suicide doesn’t seem so bad now.
Some people just aren’t supposed to be happy.
I had the most beautiful dream – in it, I sat somewhere.. under a tree or on a bench – I’m not sure
A man sat next to me – I don’t think I knew him, or maybe I did – he slowly leaned over and kissed me ever so gently on the lips. The feeling that came over me was absolute love… there were no expectations, no sexual innuendos, nothing but pure, unconditional love. When I awoke – that kiss fresh on my lips – and found that it was a dream, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. It was only a dream – a dream of the one thing they taught me as a child could be mine – the one thing in this life I have not found even though I’ve searched for many years – True, abiding, unending, perfect love…
seems to be a recurring theme here. I’m 22, never had a boyfriend or so much as kissed a boy. I’ve had opportunities, but turned them down for various reasons. Every day I wonder if I would be happier, less suicidal if I was in a loving relationship. Then again, that’s a dumb question because even a stupid little crush is enough to put me on cloud 9. But does it get boring after a while? For anyone in a relationship, do your feelings for your bf/gf/fiancee/husband/wife give you enough reason to go on, day after pointless day? Is it worth it?
I kissed her and I don’t regret doing it for a Goddamn second. I love her and if I get my ass kicked or anything like that for it I’ll do it a thousand times again. She kissed back and it’s probably the best thing that’s happened to me since smileemptysoul. I understand she doesn’t love me. If her boyfriend ever sees this I’ll have my ass kicked. I won’t deny that. I feel better now than I have in a long time. More free, more happy, more alive, than I have in months. She’s taken, and she says she may not have me, but I don’t care. I told her how I feel and I showed it to her. Everything else is inconsequential compared to that. She she’s perfect. I actually care about her. I’m not in it for a physical relationship. If we never get past kissing I’ll be fine.
I keep bouncing back and forth on what to think of you. I want to see you for the person you really are. How you avoided me and just walked away when you saw me, how you didn’t come in to pick me up from the police station, how when I pushed you away physically when we were having sex and obviously was uncomfortable, but you kept going, and finally rolled over annoyed, sleeping at opposite ends of the bed, how you probably had sex with other girls while you were doing “business” and crawled back into my bed every single night. The thought of you kissing that girl and fucking her while I was there. Every single blonde I see, I look to see if it’s her.
Then I think about the very first time you kissed me when we stayed up til 4am playing mariokart and watching cops. How you refused to let me walk back from my car alone because our school isn’t in a good area. when you looked down at me at the party we were at and sweetly kissed me, looked me in the eyes and wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. And how cute it was you wore red for it. Watching you sleep so soundly next to me, kissing your sleeping face, and you’d pull me close in the midst of your dreams. Even when you had me half off the bed because you’re a bed hog. When I bought my first pack of cigarettes and you threw it in the snow because you didn’t want me smoking, out of complete care, not because you hate smoking. When you’d ask some stranger to hold my bag so you could pick me up and throw me in the snow. You said I was the perfect balance of work and fun. Our adventures of getting lost on endless drives, smoking bowl after bowl, blasting music. When you said you wanted to talk to me at another party, we went into the bathroom and you just kissed me just because you wanted to. Right before spring break when I waited to see you before I left and you gave me the longest hug, and how you told me you missed me a lot when I came back. How blue blue blue your eyes were when they looked into mine. Your face when I made you cum that first time.
I dont care some days, I see how shitty of a person you are. Other days I long to feel loved, someone to make me feel like I’m not a waste of space, I’m not just used by the world, a practical joke. But sometimes my stomach still drops at the sight of you, the mention of your name. I’m like a deer in the headlights when we pass each other. I know dealing with someone like me isn’t the ideal. No one wants to clean up such a mess. Some days the pit in my stomach doubles me over, filled with a whole lot of missing you. Sometimes, I just wish I was good enough.
So today my cousin told me that my mentor told her dad ALL the things I told her, IN CONFIDENCE. So that includes me taking pain pills, me cutting myself, me being molested when I was little. All the stuff that’s going on in my home life. She had no right! I am so sad/angry/upset, I don’t know what to feel right now. I told her I had trust issues because other teachers/mentors have betrayed me in the past, and she told me it was between me and her. And then she does this! And what makes it worse was I saw her today and she came up to me and hugged me and told me she loved me and kissed my head. And then she betrays me.
I don’t know I really need advice right now. I don’t know what to think or feel. I’m not suppose to know Mrs. S told her dad, it was “confidential”
Okay so we have broke up its been a week and a bit and did we just spend the night together? you in my arms, feeling your heartbeat on my chest stroking your cheek, your neck, you. Why do I let this happen to us? I don’t know how you feel but I feel nothing just frozen in place remembering how we kissed and how soft your face was. I need to know was there any feeling? I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Retrograde, I shed up cause’ I can’t smoke inside the house
God I cannot swear your name, damn the damn dentist
Get the hell out of the damned States from America
Kim Jong of Korea got the terminal through his hole
Before I die, before I die; dude, let’s get a hold of the Rodman!
Damn son of a ***** will kill my life, let’s go comrade
But I’m going back to the Europe
France surrendered already, I heard
They’re so, so beautiful, oh this little boy
As I stood by the wall chilling, came up to me
In one second on his tip-toe, angel eyes he kissed me
The prettiest boy in town, his name was Jeremy
I don’t know if I’m more mad at him or myself for finally trusting so quickly. Being so naive. Every last bit of my insides are screaming at me. “You’re stupid! You shouldn’t have trusted another human being!”
The basis of what happened? I let this guy in. I met him here at college, confided in him. Showed him my scars. He kissed them. I thought he was growing to care for me. It happened. He got in my pants. He had his way with me and I wanted it too. I believed he would stay when it was all over.
He didn’t. I was damaged as fuck before I met him, and now I’m even more hesitant and mistrusting. I’m trying not to blame others for how I feel anymore, but you really hurt me. I’m sitting in my dorm room and I feel so lonely. I was supposed to see him today and he cancelled on me 5 minutes before, with some transparent excuse. He’s been avoiding me.
I would cry, but I’ve already done it.
I would puke, but I’ve already done it.
What’s next? Killing myself? Sounds like such a sweet escape. I’m fucking done with people. Isn’t it obvious why I have no friends? No boyfriend/girlfriend? Fuck. I’m so done. Save me.
I have to hang in there longer. I just can’t put my dog down or give her away. She deserves to get older. She is 9 and will be really old in a couple of years. Somehow I will hang in there. I don’t like buying stuff, because it just means more stuff that the Public Administrator inherits, but I bought some house plants, put them in pots, and they make me feel better. I get very depressed when a plant dies, though, and I don’t have a green thumb.
So, if you want to hang in there a little while longer, buy yourself a toy of some kind to distract you!
now thats a song i could die to thats a song i could cloce my eyes and stop my heart to thats a song i could shut down my braine to and let my taterd sole be huged and kissed by an angel to thats a song that gives me hope in the dark gives a reson to die for me but i whant to be here with her im only going if she goes and hopefuly she whont but if she dose thats what i will go to so i can be held by the mother earth and her so i can smile close my eyes and kiss her and shell hold my hand as we walk off in to the light at the end of the tunnel
sounds nice don’t it