I want you to think of something, but not just anything. About you. About you life. Ever wondered how many people around you actually care and how many are just people waiting for gossip. Or if the people you loved so very much would care if you just one day disappeared. See I recently discovered just how many people “care”. We try to hide the things we love the most, and that’s exactly what I did. For many years I had a best friend. Someone who knew everything about me and the one person I thought really cared. I chose not to see who she really was cause when you care about someone you don’t want to see the bad. She never cared nor will she ever. I was called for help when SHE needed it and that was all we went months without talking but hey when she needs help there she was. I guess I’m one of those people who need it to slap them in the face before they realize there’s a problem here. And that’s exactly what I got. For years now you can say I haven’t been mentally stable. But this just pushed me over the edge. It was that day I realized that she did not care. It was that day my best friend the one whom I told everything to, told me to kill myself to make everyone happier and leave. And at that very moment I did not say a word, I could not it’s like time itself just froze. Like my life just stopped right there. I got home and I had enough I really did it this time I thought. deeper then before and more then before. Ha I said no more of this shit. Dozens of calls and texts from the people that I did not want to hear from saying don’t do anything stupid. I got one call that night JUST ONE from my “best friend” I did not pick up my sister did because I was busy. But after that not one more call nothing. I have a cell facebook Skype…. but I got nothing. she tried once. As I laid down that night I really did think that with what i’d just done I would just die in my sleep.( the many pills I took would kick in) But I woke up the next morning, feeling even worse. Great I couldn’t even do my own suicide right. That day we spoke (not my intention, long story short we were forced to speak) she cried and carried on that shes sorry and she could not sleep last night because she thought I wouldn’t be here in the morning. I finally just said it asking why she only called once, if I knew someone could die that night, why would u call once. Why didn’t u stop me or better yet why would you say that to me in the first place. she cried and went on. Then I just said she was lucky im here today. Today we are classmates no more no less. I am here today to prove to myself that I can live my life on my own. Yes im still “mentally unstable” and whatever. But im living and im breathing and to me that’s accomplishment enough.
It’s the ultimate revenge, the ultimate statement upon this sick, delusional, worthless farce known as humanity. Life is so very overrated. Everything we think we know is bullshit. Everything is a delusion. Dreams. Success. Love. Charity. Compassion. These are all illusions that hide the craving for disease and evil humanity promotes and chases. To end one’s life is the ultimate finger in the face of all these delusional lemmings. To end one’s life is the ultimate statement of awareness. It tells the universe that you see through the lies, see through the bullshit, and no longer want to drink the Kool-Aid anymore. It is only in death that I am truly free. There is no value to life. Life itself is parasitic, and can only exist by destruction and pain of other things, living or not. To die is to evolve. Life is the Matrix. We live only to feed our enemies. Everything is our enemy. In death we escape. Oblivion is truth. Oblivion is freedom.
In death there is nothing, and in nothing, perfection. The one thing left I look forward is the moment I take my last breath. On my own terms. I will not let death take me. I will take myself to death and rob him of his victory. And in doing so, I rob this sick world of even more, as I fade from it, I will take my knowledge, my insights, my dreams, my songs, and passions into the void, and let the world continue to be the festering, deluded pit of filth it so desires to be.
the last time i will see the sun come up as i wake
the last time i will look in my closet for what to wear
the last time i kiss my mother goodbye on the way to school
the last time i walk the halls of the murders that killed my confidence
the last time i wave goodbye to my best friend as im getting off the bus
the last time i will greet my younger brothers home from school
the last time i will help with dinner and dishes
the last time i call my dad to tell him i love him
i now dress in my finest clothes
i get the pills ready by my bedside
ive been planning for months maybe years… the perfect death
i take all the pills from the bottle
i slowly close my eyes and Â take a deep breath the last breath i will ever take
i think of what it will feel like when i lay here dying
i feel it like a slow warm current flooding over my whole body
im fading away
I see myself driving to the bridge. I see myself popping some pills and driving. it’s the middle of the night and its pitch black outside. I reach the halfway point in the bridge, I slow down and pull over. I have my backpack neatly prepared on the passenger seat. I leave it there to be found. Inside is my cell phone and my journals. its so clear and I am calm. I exit my car and head to the rail. I climb over take one last breath and fall backwards into the water. These thoughts make me feel free. The urge is getting stronger and my visualizations are vivid it feels real.
I’ve had this saved for some time now. Realised from the moment I thought it that one day I would use it. My family, especially my parents, have the right to know why I decided to do the unthinkable. They have no idea I’ve been researching it for months. Devious really. This is a material world and I want out.
To My dear loving family
Forgive him all for what heâ€™s done
A departed soul he has become
His pain and sufferingÂ so much so
He had no choice but to go
Young, loving and so very proud
But in the end was beaten by deaths dark shroud
He tried so hard to see things straight
But time gave up it was too late
Although so selfish and his life was brief
His family separated yet united in grief
How sorry he is for what he did
How long for these angry feelings to rid?
A brother and sister eternally torn
Mother and father will forever now mourn
Nieces and nephew wondering why
Why did uncle have to die?
Where he is now he cannot say
Until last breath youâ€™re dying day
Some place some time so far away
The heavens open and you pray
Why did he leave on this sad day?
He cannot answer he cannot say
Sat at his computer every night
Wondering if things would ever be right
A lack of friends, a lack of love
He seeked the answers from above
But they never came and so he waited
Filled with anger and so much hatred
His achievements were great his ambitions more so
But in the end he had to go
Filled with sadness and filled with fear
Heâ€™s punished the ones that held him dear
With no more strength and no more hope
Life became too much to cope
Pastures new he shall embark
Through love and laughter he left his mark
God will forgive and understand
He reaches out with a caring hand
Come then my son you are now with me
This is how it was supposed to be
I am so sorry please forgive
Please forgive me for what I did
All my love forever and ever
The painful reality dooms on me everyday- that this isn’t for me but I don’t feel like I’m giving up anymore, I just feel like I’m giving in to the inevitable.
It is a bitter sweet world, consisting of unfathomable wonder, endless mystery and ceaseless painÂ but I’ve only been getting a taste of the bitter and the pain.Â This world breaks my heart, and I’m too sensitive to bear it. All the suffering and anguish, that I cannot do nothing about. It affects me, maybe it shouldn’t, why should I be so concerned about every ones pain? But this is who I am unfortunately.
It’s been a long long 21 years, withÂ Â melancholy taking over every inch of me. YearsÂ wasted on excavating for the innocent soul I lost years ago and holding the suffocating masks against my face. I’m a mere empty shell walking around, alive but dead inside.. the irony. Since I was a child, I’ve been tired, waiting for my last breath, on a death bed since I was born.
My life holds no meaning, an epic tragedy, if there is God or a higher power, they don’t like me much. And what hurts more than anything is.. I don’t understand what I did to deserve such horror, a child.Â That’s when I started to pray every night, Â for colorful wings under my shoulder bladesÂ fluttering against my little bodyÂ and lifting me up to the heavens so I could a escape theÂ depths of hell some refer to as home. Silent prayers, whispered under a thousand useless stars. How can waking up every morning feel like torture? Drowning by your own sadness is the worst kind of fate because tomorrow awaits for you with what seems like an ocean.
I curse the blood that runs through my veins, for I share it with people I loathe. I curse who I am more than the ones who made me this way, because I am the one who has to live in this shell, being at war with myself, a constant bloodshed.
I’ve attempted suicide, but writing this makes it clear I haven’t succeeded, I chase death, dream of death, death, death, death, death, the last ballad on my lips, but I never seem to get close enough, outreached fingers waiting, an unrequitedÂ love.
Isn’t it ironic? A young adult takes his life and his entire community is shocked, startled…sorry. The social media sites will be flooded with posts, somewhere along the lines of “RIP *insert name here* – you were loved and will be missed dearly”. Why does no one bother telling him that before it was too late? Why do people only start to care when the last breath struck his body? Some will answer: because they didn’t know. So what? Does a person need to be openly suicidal, in order to receive some love and affection? When did it become a heroic deed to remind the ones around you, that they’re treasured, that they’re beautiful? Why do only a respected few take upon this task?
A few nights ago, I made a list: a list of everybody who knows of my little ‘secret’. Twenty-four. 24 people know. Would you know, only two have not yet rejected/hurt/outcast me. But I could never ask them to help me out of this mess. One just lost her father and the other is struggling with his own depression. Surely there are some who cared at first, but have now become preoccupied with other matters, which I respect to the fullest. They think I have become better, recovered even. Truth is, I don’t think I have ever been so sad. I skip school to let my scars heal, just so no one at that hell hole makes fun of me. I tell people not to worry about me, but for some reason that’s all I want. I want someone to prioritize me for a change, check up on me, cuddle me and tell me it’s going to be alright, just the way I do with others. Part of me tells me I’m special, that I have potential to make something out of myself, yet the other tells me I deserve no help, no caring, no affection. Why will no one take my cries for help seriously? Am I just seeking attention?
In the past month, three friends of mine have lost a parent, two others’ are fatally sick. On top of that come two suicide attempts, one of my friend’s and one of mine. My entire grade suffered with my grieving friends, one hundred people: at their lunch tables, poking their food, looking down, not saying a word. While others were coping the thought that their parents will never embrace them again, will never see them graduate, I sat there wondering if people would react the same way if I were dead. It is a terrible thought to think in such a situation, but it is a terrible thought, thought by a terrible person. And I have come to the conclusion that they wouldn’t. Sure, my friends would maybe shed a tear or two, but if they’re really honest with themselves, they never really liked me that much anyway.
My girl friends may think I have so many guys to choose from. I don’t have Â a single one. One lives six hundred kilometers away and doesn’t want to enter a long distance relationship, another says he will leave if I ever cut myself again, then again another is out of my league and my own boyfriend hasn’t talked to me in precisely two months now. I’m alone and I feel that only a boy can save me from myself. Four months ago I promised myself that if a guy would show some kind of interest in me or even ask me out on a date, I wouldn’t die this summer. Would you know, right now, my life seems to be ending this summer. I’m planning my death. A sick thing to do, right?
I do many sick things. I pretend I’m happy for my friends, when in reality, I loathe their happiness. I use my illness to lure in others. I throw my life away when others fight everyday to keep theirs.
I’ll never be a good person. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be happy.
And that sums up my future.
Being a science major in high school …..its hard….i cut but i know im anaemic ……i dont eat even i know i may get an ulcer …i pass out at nights because i am so weak yet still i do this every day …
Enough of my confusion….the next poem name is Words.
Scars around your body
Blood flowing from your heart
to your vein through your skin
Splint in two by the red ***
Bruises internally . each word they said
scars your soul to hate this day
Words of regret, Words of mistakes
Words to make you not want to see another day
Knife to your heart, Blade to your soul
The last breath leaves like a soundless echo
A shock bring you back
And then you see, this was all a dream
But now the real nightmare begins.
Hope someone like it 🙂
I know I already did, but this time, I’ll do it in songs! How fun! Hahaha. Anyways, we’ll start from when my grandpa died, and my dad almost died: Hello by Evanescence. I can’t explain how it relates, but that’s what I always listen to. Next up, when my dog died. My Last Breath by Evanescence. Again, the events of her death really go along with the song. After she died, I found a song that I would sing when I missed her. It’s: Goodbye My Friend by Linda Ronstadt. Then, my grandma went insane and hates me. For this, I kinda think of Imaginary by Evanescence. Or Lithium. They both kinda fit. Then, I fell in love with Trevor. For this, I chose I’m In Love Again by Maria Mena. Then, our friends tore us apart for a while. I then turned to I Miss You, Love by Maria Mena. Now, I fell in love again with him, and sang the same song I used to sing. (I’m In Love Again). Then, some people said that he hates me. So, I thought of Monster by Dev, and I Caught Myself by Paramore. Mostly the one by Paramore, though. It just.. I keep on going back, without even meaning to. I recently thought of Over and Over by Three Days Grace for that. Oh, and for when I started cutting: Scars by Elegeion, My Skin by Natalie Merchant, and The Way She Feels by Between The Trees. I guess it’s a weird mix of songs, but they altogether describe my life. Or my life so far, anyway. Â By the way, right now, I’m at an “I’m In Love Again” point. I mean, why not? I’m young. I’ve wasted 5 years of my life already. Actually, yeah, I’ve wasted 4 years, or 54 months, or 237 weeks, or 1,664 days, or 39,947 hours, or 2,396,834 minutes, or 143,810,058 seconds on being depressed. That’s way too much. And so, I choose to live again. It’s always a choice. I’m happy again. Moments like this, I listen to Innocence by Avril Lavigne. 😀
there are no words capable of expressing how much she has broken me.
i hope she never has the audacity to ask why.
i have a plan and a date already set, but i don’t think i can suffer this heartache for 76 more days.
i could never stop loving her. when i promised her my heart it was forever and always, no matter what. when she promised hers, it was only until something else comes along. i will not break my promise and become like her and like everyone else. my hearts last breath with be only for her, even if she has become so horrible and cold as to treat me this way. because being honest with my heart is the only way i will ever live, and die.
rope, beam, stool, sits in a cardboard box, so a friend committed suicide by hanging, wife found him strangled on a beam located in master bedroom, been thinking about doing similar thing except its just me in the garage, my dad died when i was young, thats when i learned the true meaning of death, meaning your not coming back. told friends “hey i want to kill myself” in junior high, and high school, they looked at me weird yet it didn’t hit me as weird to do so. even my teachers noticed in my writing while doing essays in class. then i realized maybe i just wanted some attention, every so often i’d think about ways how to do so, drowning cause i know i can’t swim, blade nah takes too long to bleed in wrist, gun is quick but can’t get a hold of one, car crash? no i want to give it to someone as a memoir, i know death by rope! every night i would have the same reoccurring dream of me hanging my self and taking my last breath, with a plastic bag over my head, my legs swaying back and forth while the rope tightly wrapped around my neck as it is tied to wooden beam in the cold dark garage, then id wake up crying in tears sobbing asking myself “why do i keep thinking about this…?” i know god gave me life and for myself to take it away idk…still, it sits there waiting for me. rope, beam, stool
I know a girl. She always had two sides to her.
The Outside; She was pretty, happy, loving. She always put her friends first, did everything she could to help them, always had a smile and a hug set aside for anyone who needed it. She had hopes and dreams for a future, she had a loving boyfriend, who was dedicated to her. She always told the truth when it came to other people, even when she knew it would hurt. She always found the brighter side of everything. She had good grades, she had every talent, she was amazing.
The Inside: She hurt. SheÂ couldn’tÂ cry, so she resorted to cutting. Everything was wrong with her, so she wrote lists and lists of all of her flaws. Her father hated her, constantly reminding her of her mistakes. Her mother was insane, always pointing out her weaknesses. She was in a dark hole, and couldn’t get out. She was always tired, living was just numb. Feeling was out of the question. She wanted to die, to wrap herself in the safety and sureness of black, endless slumber. She wanted to end it all, and start over if she could. But she never did, something kept her holding on to herÂ shriveledÂ up life.
“Someone, take a knife to my chest, a bullet to my brain, a steel boot to my ribs. I don’tÂ care what you do, just make the pain last, and end with my life.Â I’mÂ tired of trying to be perfect, and pretending to be strong. I want to cry myself to sleep, where I’ll die eventually. Make sure no one saves me, and tell my friends and family I fought you until my last breath. they can’t know I let you do this to me. . . ” ~ she
Her wish hasn’t come yet, but she’s still waiting. Maybe it’ll come soon. . .
Insanity: An allergic reaction to society.
Most of us wish for our eyes to swell shut, so that we would see no more.
We wish for our throats to close as we gasp our last breath.
Unfortunately, we just keep couching the shit back up, only to succumb to more.
as the blackness blankets this side of the world
fear creeps into my mind
my nightlight dosent protect me
from the monster in my head
he only comes at night
when everyone is asleep
to feed his guilty pleasure
he creeps upon me
i feel him at the end of my bed
coming from underneath
i know not to scream
or ill find a pillow taking my last breath
i pretend to be asleep
Â close my eyes as tight as i could
soon it would be over
and when the job is done
he slithers out of my room
flashes me an evilÂ grin
and disappears into darkness
still shaking, tears streaming my face
clawing at my bed sheets
crying just a whisper
the pictures burned into my mind
i know of nothing else
but my monster in my head
i lay awake day dreaming
i cant close my eyes
im afraid to sleep
thats where he haunts me now
if i drift off, im tossing and screaming
arms tied up, no way out now
his body pressed against mine
i cant seem to scream loud enough
does anyone hear my cry for help
i pant for one last breath
then he disappears
perhaps to his own room
smile across his face
oh how evil he was
then id lay in my pool of blood
wait until he crept back for more
was i ever going to be untied?
or would my mother walk in?
would she save me?
i didnt care anymore
because i knew freedome was just a dream
i will never be set free
til death do us part
I’m falling into the darkness
Falling so very fast
I dont know what to do
I have no one to ask
No one cares
And if they do they don’t say
I have lost everyone
Everything important to me
So I have made up my mind
Everything isn’t worth all these tears
So tonight while I’m home alone
I’m going to take all the pills I saved
Chase it with something strong
I’m going to end it
While there is no one here to save me
To night I will take my last breath and be done
When they find me
It will be to late
I will already be to far gone
When it is dark out, no longer light
She will move quickly through the night
Silently, swiftly taking her own life
In a darkness so deep she can’t see the knife
In the moments beofre, recalling memories of crud
She silently cries teardrops of blood
And when she has finally taken her last breath
Her soul will be silently, peacefully at rest
I lost my best friend to cancer. I first met her when we were 9, we played basketball on the same team. We had clicked instantly. Best friends right away. She lived two blocks away and we always would meet at the park to hang out. She was a year older then me and she was like a big sister. She always had my back and looked out for me. When she was 12 she got cancer. She had it for three months and then the doctors said it went away. But then four months later, just before she turned 13, the doctors said that the cancer had spread to her lungs. She fought cancer for seven months before losing. She was so strong. She always had a positive attitude about it, she said that everything happens for a reason and if it was her time then that’s just how it is. She kept me strong, I had to be strong for her. The last few days she was with us was the worst. She couldn’t walk, could hardly breath and didn’t remember who I was. Everytime I came to her side she just stuck out her hand. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t just hold her hand while she took her last breath. I was such a coward. I went home the night she died just hours before it happened. When I got the call from her mom saying she was gone I throw my phone across the room begging for her to come back, crying, yelling that it wasn’t true. I started cutting myself trying to wake up from what felt like a horrible nightmare. No matter how much blood dripped down my arms it just never seemed to be enough. I was only 12 when all this happened and now I’m 13 almost 14 and still cut and cry over it. I still think about it. Everyday. I should have been there with her when she died…I should have been by her side the whole time and never left like I promised. My last words to her was “I’ll be here in the morning when you wake up.” I should have said something different. I should have been better. I hate myself now. I can’t live with all this! I did everything wrong and I fucking left her! I miss her so much. My heart breaks everytime I hear her name. Shelby. Its such a beautiful name for such a beautiful young girl. God, why’d you have to take her.? Why couldn’t it have been me.?!
I have gotten nothing but bad news for weeks now. One huge kick to the teeth after another. And it would be difficult for life to throw anything else at me that has not already been done. However, I have done a lot of thinking and have decided that I will NOTÂ just sit here and let all of these people take away my soul, my dignity, my self respect and my life. I am going to make a stand and become more proactive in these problems one at a time untill I reclaim what is rightfully mine. I want my life back. Sitting here thinking of all of the pain I am in and the pain I would like to inflict on a certain person is getting me nowhere.
Ending my life now would be like conceiding and letting them win! Not this time, I wanna be the winner for once. just once.I honestly believe if I make a stand and really put forth the kind of effort into going after a chance at a real life, that I put into trying to end it, I will succeed! Dont get me wrong, I still have the same feelings as before but it was something I heard on tv last night that clicked in my head. (glad it was not a gun). It just rang my bell like a wake up call. I am still in huge troube financially, and will still be losing my home on august 1st and I still have no food but I dont care anymore! Somehow I have been here before and have managed. I have lost all that I have worked so hard for and have never been able to replace it but I still got by. I have a friend who has invented a machine for processing gold and he worked on it for several years and is worth over $600 MILLION dollars, his stock holders took over and have basicly stolen his entire life! He has not received one CENT from HIS invention. However since he spent every dime of his personal life savings building it, he is flat broke and living in poverty. But this is a man who made his first million at the age of 24 and he is going to fight untill his last breath to get it back. So when I spoke with him he lit a fire under my ass and what he said really motivated me to get back up and reclaim my life and go after what is mine. Nobody is just going to give it to us. We have worked hard all of our lives now we need to work harder, longer and better. So to the ASSHOLES of the world, I am back and now Im PISSED!