Been home 2 years with back injury. Had a 2 level fusion and it has failed. Have to have another one. My business is gone. I’m financially drained. Nothing gives me joy. I love my wife and dogs and they are the only thing keeping me from doing it….but I am scared that’s not enough with the constant pain. When is enough enough? I know everyone will understand why. Lawyers, Dr’s, Work comp. Nightmare. I give up god, please take me before I do it myself.
I will kill myself.
I just need a letter.
I’m a waste of space. A stain on society.I’m marked with my past. All over.With ink, scars. My skin is like a road map.
I have no friends. No family.
My only loving sibling is gone. Deceased for over 3 years, now. My older sister resents me. My younger sister hardly knows me.
I’m never even around.
I don’t deserve to be around.
I know I won’t be missed.
No one will ever be upset.
That’s just the way it is, I suppose.
I’m hated, anyway. Why stay in a place where you’re stuck? Where you’re hated.
Where you’re nothing but a waste?
I imagine other people around me becoming lawyers, scientists, and falling in love and creating a family of their own. One filled with happiness and joy. ‘
And I’m forever alone in a word where no one knows I exist.
The only way I’m noticed is by my father. When he’s angry, drunk, or high.
He breaks my body. I’m so small and fragile.
Compared to him. I can’t fight back.
There were many “signs” that pointed to the relationship with my ex meaning(to my understanding) that she was the one mean for me. However, there are many ways that the “signs” could have been interpreted. For instance, her name appearing as a suggested friend on a networking site alongside her old lawyer’s could have meant we were to be together or it could have meant stay away from both the lawyer and her; randomly going out and hearing a performance of a song she sang, “Forget You,” could mean forget her; or standing beside someone and having them grab my hand and tell me to stop fiddling with my fingernails could have meant don’t “fiddle” with my ex anymore. But those “signs” could have meant the relationship was meant to be. I’ll never know exactly what they meant. I do know, however, that I love her — I want to be with her.
What I do understand is what Duke of Marmalade quoted from Stephen Hawking:Â â€œthe whole history of science has been the gradual realisation that events do not occur in an arbitrary manner but that there is a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired.â€
Yesterday, I found out that although I hadn’t tried to contact her, she’s seeking a permanent protective order. I’ll never see her again.
Today, after being hurt by something a friend said yesterday, I wrote to her explaining why what she said hurt me so. Because I tried to explain it in a way that she would be able to get inside my head and see my nightmare and dreams, I hurt her and know we’re taking a “break” from our friendship.
In regards to the protective order, I’m not going to do anything. I’m not going to receive the petition as I don’t have a permanent mailing address(I’m on the move a lot) and I’m not going to go to court when I find out the date. I’m not going to do anything. I’m not going to try to contact her again. Her new lawyer says she wants to move on with her life, but it seems to me that her pursuing this order when I’ve not tried to contact her only shows she can’t/hasn’t moved on herself. But there is nothing I can do to help her; I won’t try to contact her.
My life is falling apart even though I am trying to piece it back together. It’s falling apart because of my own actions even if those actions weren’t meant to be harmful to either anyone else or me.
My ex’s favorite play is Othello and I fear she believes I want her and my life to end the way it did in the play — Othello killing his beloved then himself. I could never touch her in such a harmful way.
I know most of this doesn’t mean anything but I thought I would post it so that anyone that has been following me would see my current place. Hope to hear from you all.
This is sort of an unplanned Part 2 to my last post “caring is a flaw”
Today I was supposed to meet with banks and lawyers and other seemingly important people, but instead I spent the whole morning rescuing ladybugs that were trapped at the window. 14 or 15 of them… it’s a lot harder than you’d think.
The world will never give a damn about those 14 or 15 insects, but that’s exactly why I saved them. To spite this unjust, unfair, crappy world. I imagined myself as one of those bugs, stuck at a glass window slowly dying while nobody cared.
I don’t believe in any god or superhero that will save me the same way. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m dying at my window without any cosmic help. But just for laughs… just to prove that there is a god (even if it’s just a god of ladybugs) I thought I’d make a difference to 14 or 15 lives that will never never matter.
what should i post about? this is my first post. i’ve got a couple of saved drafts where i started writing about myself and my situation and things i have been going through but i’ve put them aside for now, probably won’t go back to them. Â i feel ok, almost good at the moment. whenever i read a post from people on this website where they talk about their immediate feelings without talking about whats going on with themselves in the big picture, without talking about the whys and whats and hows, i sometimes dont like it because i want to know about those very things- why and how do you feel the way you do? what contributed to or what got you to the point where you are at today? and now here i am talking about my immediate feelings without giving you much context information.i’m used to feeling bad. every morning and every other time its time to get out of bed, i have the hardest time. Â i never want to. i suppose thats the case with most ppl. Â but i dont think most ppl feel as though their past is haunting them. Â i feel like my past failures are haunting me. Â failure in school- thats the biggest. failure in faith. Â social faiure. Â and ultimately, i’ve failed myself. Â usually, i feel like shit and i hate facing ppl at work and feeling trampled on at work and i hate the thoughts that run through my head all day where i’m asking myself what happened to me? how did i get here? how did i waste so much damn time? 10 years of school and almost nothing to show for it. dropped classes every semester. confidence-there is none here. voice is weak. silent around ppl at work. why? because i’m muslim? because i’m i feel ashamed about who i am, the failure at life, the failure at school. 26 years old making minimum wage while people i knew are now doctors engineers and lawyers with families, happy and fulfilled. even though at the moment, i happen to feel ok, ninety percent of the time i’m miserable with my mind filled with questions and filled with disbelief that i’ve done what i’ve done and filled with fear about being poor lonely and trampelled on in the future.
i want to write more, explore a little more, find out more about whats going on inside of me at the moment and what i can do to help myself but my dad just got out of bed and kind of yelled at me from downstairs for being up this late (its 12:12am in houston). classes just started and he thinks i’m wasting my time on facebook. he thinks i’m doing what i always do- that is, doing whatever i do that causes me in the end to drop my classes and waste time and money and life.
i hope this website helps me. i hope i can connect with some of you in a real way. Â i hope i become more strategic about studying and spending my time and doing good things for myself and finding purpose to my life. Â again, i hope to be able to connect with you guys with more than just a comment here or there. maybe a phone call or something even though that sounds kind of stalkerish or whatever. Â answers are out there. Â there are answers out there for your situation, for my situation. Â i pray we find them before its too late. Â goodnight everyone
All this is well and good for somebody to find somebody to talk to — who cares — but what if you’ve got nobody who does.Â I held off from taking my life, as long as my mother was alive, and now she’s been gone for over two years.Â I have no other family — and I never will.Â I’m 60 years old, and it’s too late.Â I’m retired — so there’s nobody I work with — and the financial deal that I thought I would have so as to purchase the house I was leasing is not going to work, since most of my retirement disappeared with the economy.Â I hated my father for committing suicide — what it did to my mother — what it did to me.Â And now, I know why he did it.Â It was easier.Â Or maybe it was hard.Â Nobody will be hurt when I leave.Â I’m sorry they’ll just have to sort out my junk, but that won’t take long.Â That’s what lawyers are for.Â My brother can pay somebody to do it.Â He won’t care either, as we are not close.Â We were, but I messed that up, too.Â So, now, that doesn’t matter either.