Had enough of theses four walls had enough of the same shit different day wake up go college going to work etc is this all there is to life ? What is our real purpose for being here apart from destroying the earth and destroying our selfs and then living another 50 years of being unhappy or like someone said on here to slave away to buy a house then call your self free but then your not really free because your stuck with a heavy mortgage over your head then your just living to pay that of but you have to want to live to do all of that but in the end we are all going to die anyways so what’s the point ?
- …the end of the life of a person or organism. “
I feel there’s a minor difference between being dead and not being alive.
In truth, nobody wants to die; to face death; to end our lives.
In broader terms, I just think we don’t want to live life; to be alive. But its still not death we wish for.
In clearer terms, we solely wish to not experience living. None of us want to experience death either.
Think of it as getting the opportunity to merely watch our lives on TV. We’ll witness, but we wish not to experience. We’ll hear, but we wish not to listen. We’ll see, but we wish not to be. The same goes for death. We wish not for death; we just wish weren’t living life.
I guess overall, nobody wants death. And yet nobody wants to live.
We just want something in the middle.
2 common phrases echoing in my head today.
“Get busy living or get busy dying”
“Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can do today”
Well I’m planning to end my life in the next day or so because I just can’t take it any more. I’m not really sure why I’m even posting this but I feel someone should know how I feel at least. Things have been terrible for me since my mother’s death last March.
I’m 28 but because of severe anxiety and other issues have never had a job and thus have no money of my own so I’m stuck living with my father who I hat for many reasons and have hated for about 20 years. Not the least of these reasons is that he cheated on my mother who I was very close to and they were recently divorced when she died
I’ve already tried three times to kill myself and told my father how hopeless I feel about things and his only response is that he would prefer that I not kill myself but if that’s what I want I should do it.
I personally consider myself a writer and have started several books and have ideas for other that I feel could possibly one day be published but I just can’t keep living so alone with no one who cares
Maybe I want to give up fighting because things are broken that can’t be fixed hope can drive a man insane suicide seems sweet wile life is rough a razor across the flesh can relieve so much pressure watching the blood drip into the sink can look like art work maybe iv got used to living in the darkness and dying is more entertaining then living maybe dying early is my destiny
Today anyways. Nope today I get a break from feeling sorry for myself, from wanting to kill myself.
Today, I’m just crippled with blinding rage. Pure disgust with everyone and no tolerance or empathy.
Stupid fucking blizzard. Stupid people, living stupid lives, saying stupid shit.
I honestly don’t know which is worse…
iv been depressed and in the darkness for so long living a normal life seems scary not to say I will be normal but what is normal always ? Beging depressed and suicidal its just about making it though another day without slicing you throat or swollowing a bunch of pills that’s a battle on its own now life on the other hand finding/getting a job you don’t hate paying bills so you don’t get kicked out made homeless then you feel like an out cast if you don’t have what’s in fashion phone cloths etc but u no u should compare your self to others but that makes u feel worst now cause u feel like shit and look it to BUT this is life right ?
What if life is just a nightmare that u can wake up from by killing your self ? What if living on earth is a living hell and when we die we go to heaven ? What if all our problem could go away a year from now ? What if Thing don’t get better any I’m staying for no reason. That’s the question WHAT IF ?
I feel like shit.
One of things I absolutely hate is the fact that we no longer live a normal life anymore.
My father is jobless, and my mother works freelance at the company where my dad used to work at. For months now, he’s been jobless and he’s been living with us in the apartment I’ve been using for college. Currently, he applied to some company abroad, whereas he’s been waiting for his papers’ approval. We’ve tried telling him to work at the company he worked at before but he absolutely hates it there, so no question about him wanting to go back otherwise it’d lead to another quarrel.
So, as much as possible I try to avoid it.
Not only would it lead to horrible screaming and banging, but it would also lead to me not wanting to give a fuck with life anymore—especially myself.
Mother had learned about my self-harming. She’s seen it herself.
It happened when my parents were fighting about my aunt. She’d been freeloading at our place for 6 months—used our money for gambling and other personal businesses which we don’t butt into just because. Somehow during that time, we’d been bankrupt, but we still managed to give money to the people in need. Then when the screaming got really intense, I was scratching my hands—the same hands that I need to use for a living—until they somehow bled. I never noticed.
Not thinking about the debts we have, mother still tried her best to bring money to the house despite it being father’s job. We’ve been keeping it a secret from him and god it’s been so damn difficult.
I can’t even let it out because mother might break down as well, knowing the strong child they have has given up.
I can’t cry. I can’t speak. I can’t bring myself to express it to anyone but myself.
I’ve tried talking to several people online, hoping they would give me advice. They called me a brat.
I’ve tried asking money from a couple of friends. They gave me. But I feel guilty for not having to pay them.
As much as I want to help, there’s nothing that I can do but to observe and do nothing.
That’s from the last page of my diary..
Things have gotten much worse.
It’s been a whole year since I’ve been keeping things bottled up, and a whole month since I’ve let things go.
I’ve resorted to self harming once again.
My friends have told me off that they understand I need relief, and that I should find an alternative like using rubber bands and hitting myself.
I used it. And it wasn’t the same.
I get nightmares.
And I’m possibly suffering from ‘delayed PTSD’ as what my therapist best friend told me.
I flinch at the simplest loud noises.
My heart palpitates when I hear screaming, and my memories of my father nearly committing suicide in front of me and my mother’s eyes are relived. The first time was at age 5. The second one just last year..
I can’t handle any more pressure, because I end up crying and shaking. And if it gets worse, I resort to cutting again.
I’ll be seeing a new counsellor on monday, and I’m scared he might judge me for all this..
This is my first post.. And that’s what’s on my mind so far..
What’s people’s thoughts on mental health and suicide ?
Why do most people think suicide is such a bad thing ?
Why should someone who what’s to die Carry on living iv they don’t want to ?
What triggers mental problems to begin with ?
Add to the list I’m curious
I’ve never had that great of a time living; abusive parents, bullied, a serious disability that makes life pretty hard in general and lot other things i’d rather not mention.
When i was younger i would consider killing myself every once in a while, but i was too afraid to actually do so. And If it weren’t for my fear of the outcome, i probably would have done it by now.
I’m too afraid of what the aftermath of my actions would be rather than actually dying itself. What people would do, what they would think of me, and what they might say worried me too much.
Of course, that only made me feel “weak” and “cowardly” and only managed to make me more upset. And on top of that, people who commit suicide are said to go to hell, and even though i’m not religious that’s certainly not a fun thing to hear.
So, more or less, live or die, i can never be happy with either.
But living like this just makes me feel like i’m dead already.
I don’t really think about suicide as much anymore since i know i can’t actually do it, at least actively trying to die.
If someone where to break into my house and try to kill me i don’t think i would stop them. If i got in an accident i don’t think i would call for help.
If the time comes, i probably won’t fight back. I can’t decide if i want to die or not, so i just sort of leave it up to the world to decide.
Of course i’d still be worried about the aftermath, but at least they won’t see me as someone who kills themself, just as another death among many.
Here I am again, a year later. I want to die, it’s the easy way out. I want to give up. Life is hard, death is not. I’m tired of doing and trying.
I am not depressed. I just do not want to do anything. It’s a cop-out. I am lazy.
I do not wish to die, I wish to do nothing. Forever.
The ultimate cop-out. The peak of laziness, to cease to exist. A coward, that is me. What I get I deserve, and I cease and I desist. I give in, I give up, I surrender. You have won, all that have doubted me. You have won, I have lost. Bravo. I applaud you. You win at living and I die. And it is believing that life could be easy and comfortable that killed me. It is believing in unconditional love that killed me. For there is no love, for me, not for me, the real me, no.
You, you should know not to love. Know not to feel. People can die and I will not cry. And you will not cry either. And so, it does not matter. When my father died, it did not matter. And neither will the death of me. I felt nothing, absolutely nothing.
People act as if a death in the family is an excuse for failure. It is not, I lost my will to live years earlier, because of my own foolishness. Do people deserve second chances? I believe one mistake can end your life, and I cannot pretend otherwise. I cannot allow failure. Taking foolish risks was my mistake. Pretending I could deal with the consequences was my mistake. Knowing it could not end well, and doing it anyway. That is something I cannot take. That is not me, that is someone else. I like safety and success. Why, oh why did I have to buy into that lie?
I knew better. I did. I tried to change myself, and change myself for the worse I did. I do not know who I am anymore. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. Maybe I was better before I thought I could make myself even better. Maybe I just did not try hard enough to go all the way. I do not know.
I decided to get some obligations as an incentive not to kill myself. And I now abandon those obligations. I am sorry I could not carry it out like I promised. Going out while on top is what I’d like to think I’m doing. But what I am doing is breaking a promise. And that shall forever be my legacy. I have betrayed you. I have abandoned and left all that was good in my selfishness.
Out I go, too afraid to face the consequences of my actions. Too afraid of what future may unfold. Out I go, as coward, deserter and betrayer. Let me be a warning example.
Life goes on without me, I am sure. Those who know how to live shall keep on living. Others will die, and that is the way of the world. Goodbye.
I’ve been living with my Fiancee for over two years now. Well, I guess I should say ex-Fiancee, even though it kills me to. We had a lot of problems, I won’t lie. In a way, our entire relationship has been building up to its own end.
In the beginning and for at least a year she had a serious jealousy issue. She cut me off from my friends and family and constantly accused me of not really wanting to be with her. She left me countless times just to turn around and take it back. I always let her.
When she eventually started getting better, for some reason I started doing all the awful things to her that she used to do to me. I became the controlling one. I’ve been getting jealous of her friends and throwing tantrums a lot. Earlier this week I broke up with her and then tried to take it back. To start with she agreed, but the next day she told me she wanted to stay broken up. Like, actually broken up this time.
I had a complete meltdown. I begged her to stay with me while I was sorting through my issues the same way that I did for her. She wouldn’t budge on it. She said that I should have left her back then, the way she’s doing now, for her sake as well as mine.
I don’t blame her for leaving me, I’m sure she’ll be happier and better off without me. She told me that she may want to try again one day, when and if I get better, and a big part of me really wants to try. But right now I’m a complete wreck, and she won’t give me room to heal.
She’s still living with me, still wearing her engagement ring, still calling me pet names. She tells me she still wants to marry me and have a baby with me one day. She gives me kisses on the cheek and forehead and tells me she loves me whenever she leaves the house or hangs up on the phone with me. We’re still sleeping naked in the same bed. But she keeps stressing to me that we’re not together. No actual kisses or cuddles or sex, no reason to run by each other what we’re going to do or where we’re going to be, no standing committment to each other right now.
She’s totally changed her appearance and demeanor. She doesn’t speak to me or look at me the same way. It’s like she changed into a completely different person overnight, which actually helps a little bit. But whenever I catch a glimpse of the old her I just want to break down. It’s like another her just swooped in and stole the her I love away from me and now she’s dangling her just out of my reach.
She says that even though she’d like to be with me again someday, she can’t promise that that day will ever come, and she can’t promise that she won’t end up falling for someone else in the meantime. She’s focussing even more time and effort on her friends than she was, and I’m still just as angry and jealous as I used to be. But it isn’t my place to tell her not to. It wasn’t my place to start with, I know it wasn’t.
She acts like she’s perfectly fine and happy, like it didn’t hurt her at all. I mean I want her to be happy, I do. But that dark part of me wants her to hurt just as badly as I am. I just can’t understand how she could let our relationship go so quickly and easily. She always told me that I was the love of her life, her everything, that she couldn’t see a life without me and that she couldn’t wait to marry me and spend forever with me. She was telling me these things just a few days before we split. I don’t understand how she could just give up on that in such a short timeframe.
What we had was chaotic, yes, but it was just as amazing. The lows were really low, but the highs were untouchable. We had so many plans for the future, and we always promised each other that no matter how bad things got we would always stay together and figure out how to fix it, because that’s how in love we were. She says that’s why she wants to live with me and be my best friend. She tells me she’s right here and not going anywhere, she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me right now.
She doesn’t understand how damaging it is for her to be so close but just out of my reach. I can’t stop crying and begging and asking her if she really still loves me, I can’t stop asking her how long she thinks it will take for her to want to try again, I can’t stop asking her if she’s going to get with someone else, I can’t stop asking her why she doesn’t want me anymore when she told me she always would.
She tells me that feelings change, that I’m not the person she fell in love with, that I pushed her away, but I just keep pestering her with the same questions and I can tell it’s getting on her nerves. I can’t stop though, I just can’t.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for a really long time and I’ve had suicidal thoughts on and off for most of my life, so it’s no surprise that I’m having them now. But they’re stronger than they’ve ever been.
I keep thinking that if I just go ahead and end it she won’t have to be bothered with all my whining and annoying questions and she can just move on with her life. Since she got over this so easily, she’ll be able to get past that too. Then she can have a good life without me dragging her down like I always do and neither of us will have to suffer.
I keep having fantasies about dressing up and killing myself while imagining our wedding. That way it’ll be the last thing I get to experience, even if it’s just in my head. I’m losing it. I’m barely holding on right now. I don’t know how long I can take living like this.
The last thing I asked her was if she’d be able to handle not having me in her life at all. She said that it would hurt her, but that if it was what I really wanted she would be able to do it. I’m a really messed up horrible person and her life and this world would be better off without me. At this point I see no reason not to.
I’m going to give it a few days to make sure I’m not going to want to change my mind. Again, I’m torn. Part of me hopes that I do and part of me hopes that I don’t. I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.
Tired of being aware
Tired of living with the belief that everyone finds me ugly (even though I am)
Tired of never being positive and frowning
Tired of having no one to talk to
Tired of not having a friend
Tired of never feeling loved by anyone
Tired of watching the people from a distance that I yearn to be friends with
Tired of being me.
Is there a point of living life when nothing interests/satisfies you? I don’t think so. 24/7 bored, I blame who I am
I am fairly certain about my misery and my mental illness. I know I can’t be cured. Well most of the mental diseases can’t be cured. Even doctor said that it can be manageable. Manageable not cured. Fuck manageable. I am tired of this shit. All the time living in fear that I am gonna collapse now. I am gonna freak out now in public and What to say about the demons. Thankfully they are at rest now. Even without them life is so miserable. I wish them to wake up now. So I can end this pathetic miserable life.
Every fucking day/ at some point/after a miserable event I think, that’s it. Finally this is it. I can’t be hurt anymore. But I got hurt again and again. Fuck bi-polarity. Fuck all the mental and physical diseases. Fuck me for using this fucking word so many times. I’m so much tired. I wish I had the guts to kill myself.
Fucking coward me. Why I stoped thousand of times when I was on the brink of killing myself. It’s been more than 8 years of this continues torture.
Still living in misery so that my family members just don’t feel bad after my death. Family members, who don’t even give a crap about me.
This rant is pointless. Life is pointless. It is just a endless misery. If there is a god he is fucking enjoying watching me like this. If there is a god, He is fucking responsible for all the bad things which is happening around whole world. Innocents are suffering in thousand different ways. So simple explain- either he himself is a heartless monster or he is dead and possibly he never existed.
I let back in the most beautiful demon. He took all my trust, stability, emotions, happiness. But he came back and I floated up to the surface. I felt like living so he played his role and left and took the last piece of me that was clinging to my shell. How do you hold on when you can feel feathery oblivion right beneath your feet? How was I supposed to love myself when I watched everyone find nothing worth loving in me? I want to be back amongst the living but its too hard. I thought maybe it was all a test of my strength, building me to be invincible but now that I have waited so long to see a glimmer of light and I can’t possibly be sent down any farther besides sweet death…maybe I was never meant to be here. I am just a being made to be a piece of someone else’s journey and now I am all used up.
Just yesterday I had a dream of my mother, she was drunk and throwing stuff around our home. In my dream I called her “a drunk” and then she looked at me and asked “what about you?” What was the box of wine I found in your room?”
That dream could not be more true, I’m not living at home but its true I’m drinkin as much or even more than she is.
Life is not working out at all, I’m 23 years old, never had sex, never had relationship. I seriously just want to die.
I hear comments from my friends every few days about how they want to buy me a whore just for me to get rid of my virginity.
This world in short if you ask me is terrible, I’ve been screwing around at the university reading shit subjects leading nowhere cause I failed my first year courses on the programme which I am enrolled on. I can say seriously should I fail the courses this year I reenrolled on I will really end it.
I remember back in high school how one of my class mates said that suicide is the way of the coward and another one (a girl) said she would kill herself if her parents were drunks.
Who the fuck cares if I’m gone anyway? I’ve had relatives dying these previous years who I barely remember and I had to carry the coffin of a far off relative I never knew cause he had no children. Now if I keep on living thats gonna be me when I’m old. The sad fuck who’s coffin no one is going to carry.
Life start unfair and I was the one with the bruises on my body who people were commenting on in the showers after gym. I was the one with cop cars at my house who my class mates asked about etc.
No if I dont make it on the courses I’ve enrolled this year at the university its done, I’m going to end it.
see ya on the other side.
I miss those days when living means the world to me.