Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
I see smiles, laughing faces, warmth
I see sweetness and an abundance of love
It is everywhere
all around me
I can’t escape those faces, those smiles
and true hearts
cruel cruel world
My deepest desires all around me
strangers immersed in what I dream
cruel cruel world
for although it is all so near
I am galaxies away from attaining it
so I watch
New dreams emerge
What I previously yearned
no longer a care
I just wait
Bring forth your humanity
give to me what is all our destiny
the quiet peace of forever sleep
I wish that there was someone who understood what this feels like..i wish i could trust..iv been broken by so many.. over and over.. i just cant believe there is anything other than people who lie… is there anyone out there that does not lie and cause pain for there own selfish reasons..they don’t even realize what they are doing..i hope….and if there is someone…one… how would i know?.. i want to have faith in people.. i want there to be someone else like me.. someone who knows…
will i perpetually be in this cycle of pain..waiting for someone to show me its going to be ok..it takes “time” they all say the same thing.. time.. i feel like i don’t have enough time anymore..each moment brings me closer..
it seems strange to me that posting on this forum..or what have you..seems to make it better for one fleeting moment..though when i find myself out of words..that moment is gone and i am left again with only… pain.. sorrow.. despair..mistrust.. fear..
how many times do i need to walk this path?..and is this the last one?… if i knew it would go on again and again could i do it?…could i end it..
do we live this life of torment only to die in a blaze of pain and fire…fade to black..then nothing..
is anybody out there…
oh my god. i cant change the past. i wish i could. i can only keep trying to make now and the future better. i wish i could change the past. i dont know what to do. oh my god. are you kidding me?! i dont know what to do. there has to be something i can do. why does he always have to assume hes correct?! why cant he understand he is wrong sometimes?! oh my god. i dont know what to do.
i really do want to die because i know as long as im alive this is going to eat at me. im going to be the most miserable human being. i dont want to live like this every second. imagine living the rest of your life, fighting, longing, wishing, every second, every day, and having it eat at you, every second, every day. i cant live like that. i know he is wrong. i cant let it go. i love him so much. i really am going to die fighting.
what the hell can i do? i just want to die because i cant live like this. i dont know what to do.
It’s dark in here,
I can’t always find the switch or the air to breathe.
My days turn into the hell,
My nights are the blissful peace,
Because it’s the only place where I may really do it this time.
I put those awful pills in my mouth again, the taste was sweet serenity,
I lay back with a razor close to my hand,
I look at those cuts, I hear my heart beat ….
Slowly and surely I hope it’ll work this time.
My note is left on the back of my door,
Please don’t suffer over my longing to be gone,
Be gone from this world, cause it’s no longer a world at all.
The hatred consuls the best of people.
I guess this time it got a little much for me.
About this time now, the acid is eating away at the pills,
My head is dazed, confused, I can’t feel my limbs.
I close my eyes, if only for a second.
….. Just to be woken up a day later in the hospital.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything that could possibly go wrong in my life has to this point. In high school I never had a problem with friends or anything else. I was pretty popular and good at sports. It has done nothing but go down hill since then. I got arrested for a DUI last fall. That was extremely embarrassing and living in a town with 300 people in it only made it worse. I feel like I brought shame to my family. After that I dropped out of school because I kept failing classes. Now I have no money and no job. I do nothing with myself but think about how everything has gone to shit. Then things seemed to get a little better when I met a girl I really liked. This was the first person I had ever really had feelings for. My family has never been affectionate and I’ve never heard an “I Love You” from my parents. So I was scared and yet extremely happy with this relationship. She went to college in California last semester and I live in Illinois. We agreed that we would remain in touch with each other and just try to maintain a “friend” relationship while she was away at school. We agreed that we would then pick back up where we left off when she gets back this summer. Well, just the other day I hear that she’s in a relationship with some guy from California. Im usually one to never complain but this was the first time I’d ever had feelings for someone so it just absolutely crushed me. The past several months things have just done nothing but go downhill. I hate the person I’m becoming and I just want it all to stop. I’ve never had any desire to kill myself but I feel as if though I’m running out of options. I find myself thinking about death way more than I should and when I think about it it’s the only time I feel like I see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know how to make all this stop. All I want is to be happy again. I miss being happy. Its such a terrible feeling longing for that feeling again and feeling like theres no way you’ll ever be able to feel it again. When will it all stop…
From the age of around 2-4 years old i was abused for the first time, my old babysitters sonÂ grinded against me when he was hard and i tried to get away from him but being a child he was much stronger and would not allow it. When i went to kindergarten another boy would try to touch me and i pleaded with him to stop but it didn’t end till the year was over and he had violated other girls as well. When i was five years old i begged GOD to kill me everyday. It got to the point where i wrapped a bad around my neck and pulled, my mom saw me do this and said simply “get the bag off your head” then walked away from me. My parents divorced when i was little and like every little kid i wanted them back together, not like every little kid my grandma took it upon herself to make me her source of comfort. My grandma told me my mom cheated on my dad and that she broke his heart, i hated my mom for so long because of her. Then my grandma abused me sexually as well, i didn’t want to go to her house after that and i was often frightened of her. She’s also the reason i cant say I’m angry or sad or upset, she used to give my dad bloodied lips when he said he didn’t like something. When he tried to move out at 21 she smacked him across the face. Now I’m 14 and I’m suicidal, there’s not a day that goes by i want to do it and i sit there thinking about it. I feel guilty for even writing this, i feel like I’m hurting other people and making an inconvenience to them, or burden. I cant explain myself enough because no matter what i do i think its my fault. I love my boyfriend to death but if I’m being honest even he contributes to my suicidal tendencies, he raped me before… i was crying during the whole thing and he didn’t stop… once he finished he told me he was sorry… So i don’t know if i should continue living anymore… he calls me worthless and its my fault for listening and not leaving and angeering him but in all honesty i don’t want to leave him, it scares me.
Everyday I fight off the demons. Everyday I act like I’m okay. Everyday I creep a bit closer to insanity….
I can’t stop thinking about death. The thought of it scares me less and less as the days go by and that in itself terrifies me. I contemplate the slipping away into darkness, and I smile at the thought of never having to cry or feel again…
I have the means, but not the courage and that makes me want it even more. It’s like a forbidden fruit…
someone once told me
“youe need to be selfless and put on a smile and pretend your ok because everything you do efects the people you love and the people around you”
so thats what ive been doing my entire life hiding my pain my regret my longing everything i dnt smile anymore at least not a real smile or a real laugh
i thought he was the only one who cared because he understood but i guess i was wrong
my parents both told me they didnt want me living with eatherÂ of them
yes im lost and i dnt think ill ever be found
im surounded by darkness but i saw the light the way out once or twice but it was breaf but i went for it
but to say the least i wasnt fast inof the light dissapered as i neared it and i nvr saw it again i dnt know what to do im lost in the dark
lost in the lies and now idk what do but wait for death and welcome him with open arms once he comes
I wish I knew what happened to that cheerful, would-be artist of yesteryear. I’m always longing to return to the days when I felt the passion and joy of artistic creation. Painting fixed everything back then, now it feels like a chore. I hardly draw anymore and even my recent fascination with writing is fading away. The bad days are beginning to outnumber the good, but I’m too scared to end it all. I’m not a good person, but I want to change. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to change! I hate myself and I don’t know why, but I can’t make it stop and it’s tearing me apart. I’m going to start volunteering, maybe that’ll rekindle my will to live. I’m sick and tired of feeling so empty and worthless, it’s wearing me out.
Lately I’ve been pulled in by this weird trance like gaze. Anything I look at I start to key in and never blink. Behind the stare in the eyes is sadness, bitterness and impatience. My lids seem frozen in time, my teeth lock, and my heart slows to a crawl (not sure if literally). I then shakes my head and keep doing things at lightning speed. Rush rush rush. If I can’t die then I have to force myself to be blindly fast. Unfortunately my blinding fast is going from a snail to a tortoise. It’s faster for me but not really fast to everyone else. Then I stop. I start to go in slow motion literally. I turn my head around to look at everything around me. I turn my torso some to look behind me, I bend my knees to look below me. Nothing’s changed. Then the gaze comes back. The longing, the hatred, the loneliness, the sadness, the bitterness. It all shines through my tearless eyes. All I can think then is I want to go “home”
Recently I and a group of friends and associates have made a great accomplishment. A project we worked on since 2009 is finally done and completed with blood sweat and tears. Everyone’s grown. Everyone survived personal hardships. But I am the only one I know who wants to die now that the loose end is tied…………………..A long pause with a hard cold gaze…..
It comes back to my being a coward. All are entitled to their opinion and now I don’t care any more about that either. But I am not brave enough to die by my own hand. No tools. No gusto. Just the ideal and the mental visions. A bullet to the head and a fall into my grave under that tall shady tree on a farm I’ll never have. I’ll probably struggle. But I’ll struggle if it means that after I can finally die.
I want to know why I needed to be placed on this beautiful green rock with everything gone awry. I don’t fit anything here. I’m like a jigsaw from the wrong puzzle being jammed into a Thomas Kinkade. I don’t fit and no amount of glue, no amount of edge trimming will make me blend into another’s masterpiece. So I ask why? Broken from childhood and now my mother makes amends. Closure. But that doesn’t fix the mess I am now. Rejected by my peers. Rejected by love. Rejected….Reject…
Life close calls, Life’s rejections, Life’s obstacles thwarting me when I try to come above water. I no longer want to fight so please let me drown. Don’t tease me with a helping hand only to lose grip and drop me. Don’t offer me a crumb and take it away. Don’t bring me a smile only to show me something horrid to wipe it away. Don’t bring me opportunities if it always leads to a dead end. The end is dead in every way sometimes.
The gaze returns hard and cold. Here comes a headache to keep it company. A wave of sadness to settle it in. I’m not capable any more. Just because I’m here it doesn’t mean I’m here because I’m strong. I’m here because I can’t find a way to leave in the way that makes sense. It’s possible to find hope if you have it already. Look around in the wrong way and you’ll find hope.
I’ll look around. I’ll fall. I’ll have trouble getting up. And then I stand. Then I’ll fall again.
I do not like the rollercoaster of life, because that’s what it is. But if you like the rollercoaster. The tall winding, one that also goes to the heavens, and hells. The one that goes underwater seeing how long you can breathe. That same one that will give you a breath of fresh air. If you like that idea of a rollercoaster ride. Then take the challenge. This ride.. This LIFE is for you.
I’ve never felt more alone than I do now. Some days, including this one, I think I’m bi-polar. I’ve never been officially diagnosed, but it wouldn’t amaze me if I was. I repel people more than I compel any form of welcome, probably because of the anger I constantly wear on my sleeves, or my lifeless stare that can become intimidating once I move my eye brows in the right, or perhaps, the wrong direction. These eyes of mine can look just as puzzled as anyone else pondering why I look so angry and full of disgust all the time. The answer, for anyone with a pulse, is really quite simple: I F*CKIN’ HATE FAKE PEOPLE.
Let’s face it, we’re all more than likely to encounter more sh*t (yes, people can count as sh*t/obstacles/problems) than we’d like to. And it’s almost always fake sh*t; people pretending to be gangsta but have never taken a beating or given one in their lives’ trying to start sh*t; hypocrtitcal people who treat others as hypocrites except themselves and try to justify their own double-standards when there’s really no excuse; people who lie to get something out of others without any remorse; people smiling in each other’s faces while backstabbing one another and ruining friendships and relationships for no good reason; people living off of other people and pretending they are the breadwinners, having never worked a day in their lives’; (INSERT BULLSH*T HERE).
The more fake sh*t/fake people I encounter who try to or give me problems, the more solitary I would rather be. I yearn for it because there’s no greater comfort than that of one’s own untainted, honest reality. It’s a comfort zone I retreat to; my cave of solitude where I know I can trust myself.
Unfortunately, as it is with many things not treated with moderation, it’s easy to get bored, lonely and depressed into feeling like there is and isn’t hope in finding someone to trust. The desperation and longing for another’s company makes you think attempting the same thing over and over again (trial and error) will bring good things – it never does; it’s delusional, wishful thinking.
After accepting an eternty of solitude, I feel I’ve hit points where ending it would be the greatest gift I could give myself — freedom from this sh*t life of mine. But the question hits: even if I did end it, where the f*ck would I end up, and how the f*ck would I know it would be better than what I already have? That uncertainty is, thankfully and ungratefully, what has kept me alive this long. It sucks knowing that we don’t know , and there’s no real way to know (yet, anyway) if what is after this life is better or worse.
So, as insanity would have it, I run back and forth, in and out of my cave, seeking both solitude or a companion of trust. And, as is common to define insanity, I seek the balance continually engaging in a repetitive activity where I think I’ll eventually achieve a desired result, but I obviously won’t; I’m stuck in an infinite loop of my own making.
I’m 13. My Life Started Spiraling Downhill When I Was In Elemetery School.
5th Grade, I Kept Getting In Trouble In School. 6th Grade I Was Arrested For Running Away, For Vandalism, For Asulting An Officer Of The Law. My Parents Divorced. I Started Smoking, I Was Hanging Around The Wrong Crowd. My Life Was Shit. 7th Grade The Coustidy Battle Came Along, Week To Week With My Father I Never Knew And My Amazing Mother. My Dad Started Getting Abusive, So I Refused To Go Over There. Costidy Battle Again, Only Every Other Weekend Now With Ol’ Daddy Dearest. Still Smoking, Still Getting In Trouble. 8th Grade. Im Still In 7th I Got Held Back. And Kicked Out Of Every School In My District So Forced To Be In Online School. I Never. Ever. Leave My House. I’ve Made Alot Of Mistakes In My Life, And My Family Dispises Me For It. Some People Walk Through Town And Get Called A Whore By People From School.. I Walk Down My Lawn And Get Called A Whore By My Aunt That Lives Next Door.. I Don’t Know What I Did To Make Them All Hate Me So Much. But I Can Understand Why They Do, Because Now I Hate Me To. I Attempted Suecide On My Birthday 2 Years Ago. Of Corse. I Fucked That Up To.
Summer 2011 I Met My Ex.
October 31st, Halloween 2011. He Cheated On His Girlfriend With Me – He Took My Virginity In The Middle Of A Park. November 5th 2011, We Started Dating. Febuary 21st He Cheated On Me. March My Dad Started A Rape Investigation. Hes 17 and Im 13. We Had A Restraining Order For 3 Months. He Cheated On Me 4 Times In Those 3 Months. I Still Had No Idea. I Was In Love And I Thought He Was To. Now, June 27th 2012. Were Over. He Broke Up With Me For The Girl He Cheated On Me With In Febuary. I Got The Text At One am June 25th 2012..
“Insert Name Here, your more than likely going to hate me…..but….i think its time we break up…. i like someone else…. im sorry…”
After Seven Months, Twenty-Eight Days, Fourteen Hours, Six Minutes, And Thirty-Two Seconds, Together He Broke Up With Me Through A Text And Had The Nerve To Ask Me To Be His Friend, And For One Last Hug, and To Give Him My Number When I Get A Phone.. I Was Sitting On My Front Porch When I Got That Text Message, One In The Morning, I Was Crying For 8 Hours. Until I Stoped To Breathe. I Cried For 5 More Hours And Then I Just Couldn’t Cry Anymore So I Just Sat There. Hipnotized. I Sat There Until 4 In The Afternoon (15 Hours) I Had No Idea It Would Hurt Me This Badly.
I Recently Found Out That He Has Personality Disorder’s So Badly That He Feels He Has To Change Himself To Make Someone Happy. I Liked Him For Who He Was, Untill I Found Out It Wasnt Him I Was Liking It Was Someone Else. And When I Was Dating Him He Was So Alike Me I Didn’t Even Know It. Everything He Was, Everything He Said, Everything That I Loved About Him Was Me, And I Now Know That I Didnt Love Him, Because I Never Knew Him. I Loved Myself, Because That’s What He Was Pretending To Be.. I Found Out Hes Been Doing This For A While.. I Never Knew The REAL Him Because There Never Was One, There Was Small Fragments Of Him Inbetween The Millions Of Personality’s He Had Changed Into Over The Years. And I’m Just Sorry I Never Got To Know The Real Him.
But When It’s Said And Done, Hes The Only One. ILoveHim and Nothing About That Is Ever Going to Change.
But The Other Thing That Wont Change.. Hes On My Mind When I Know That Shes On His. And I Cant Stand Being One More Second In My Own Skin. I Need Help. Or I Will End Up Killing Myself.
Because Now, Ha, Its Ironic Really. I Ignored The Ones Who Adored Me, Adored The Ones Who Ignored Me, Love The Ones Who Hurt Me And Hurt The Ones Who Loved Me. And Now I’m Left With No Family, ONE Friend That I Know Of, No Boyfriend. I Find Nothing To Live For At This Point In Time. Im Completely Alone.
The desire of death is always haunting me like a bad memories.
The joy of a end is a longing of my soul.
The sound of silence is pleasant music to my mind that I do not own.
The peace of nothing is a craving to strong.
If u have the answer I beg you to foretold.
As I have tried many a road and a different end I do not hold.
Just the desire of my eyes to close.
I’m Hannah. It’s my first time on this website, or any suicide forum for that matter. I found this website researching certain things about suicide. I’ve made several suicide attempts for over a year now, and I’m dead set on succeeding Â it this month. I don’t see a reason for living anymore. I’m useless. I’m so depressed that I don’t have the motivation to get out of bed, or eat, or speak, or even open my fucking eyes in the morning. It just all so pointless. The hurting, and suffering, and hoping. I grew up with an alcohol dependent, abusive, work obsessed father, aÂ narcissistic, jealous, hateful sister- and a mum that I could never be good enough for. I’m so tired of having all this anger, and sadness, and longing to be happy built up inside of me. And, being completely and utterly alone doesn’t really help anything. I’ve fucked up so bad in my life. I smoke, I drink, I try as hard as I can to overdose on pills, yet nothing seems to take away this sadness. Nothing. I feel that the only way I can be happy is when I’m dead. I have no way out accept suicide. I’m useless, and I always will be. I made all these plans for college.. I was gonna go to Masters Performing Arts college in Rayleigh, England. Now I fear that my entire life has gone even more to shit, and I don’t think I’m going to make it to fall. Â I don’t know how in the hell to cope anymore. It’s sad.. the way people look at you differently once they know what you’re going through. They see you as this fragile person who if you push even a little will end up breaking. But, yes, I’m to my breaking point. I am completely and absolutely done.
The desire of death is always haunting me like a bad memorie . The joy of a end is a longing of my soul. The sound of silence is pleasant music to my mind that I do not own.
The peace of nothing is a craving to strong. If you have the answer I beg you to foretold. As I have tried many a road and a different end I do not hold. Just the desire of my eyes to close.
The desire of death is always haunting me like a bad memorie . The joy of a end is a longing of my soul. The sound of silence is pleasant music to my mind that I do not own.
The peace of nothing is a craving to strong. IfÂ youÂ have the answer I begÂ you to foretold. As I have tried many a road and a different end I do not hold. Just the desire of my eyes to close.
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