I don’t even know how I ended up here. I was looking for painless ways to go. I guess since I’m here I will say goodbye to my sister. I know you tried, an I love you. Christina, My love what can I say other than I’m sorry. My kids will never understand this decision, so break it to them gently. The rest who know me, well “middle finger”.
Ground zero. My optics aren’t good. Police looking for me. Now it’s do or die. Do to die. No backing out now. Only matter of time til there on city wide manhunt. Fuck. I needed one more reason.
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know what to hear
Knowing is what I am looking for.
Knowledge is both beautiful and tragic.
Beautiful because there is nothing better than being aware
Tragic, because once aware, can never go back to unknown.
Once you see it, it’s difficult to forget.
Wrote it back in 2012, about depression, finally found it hidden in the recesses of my computer.
That little bastard never sleep, always does he creep,
Here now it seeps through me,
Everywhere I am he never agrees,
Righteous ************ just please,
Ease the fuck up you squeeze too tight.
Inside my head you infest,
Silent screams making me depressed.
How the fuck did you get so loud,
Over the others you reign supreme in your own shroud,
Please ************ shut up cause here’s the crowd,
Every voice you ground out now we back ***** shouting loud.
No more will I listen to you,
Every moment dragging me down making me blue,
Virtually all hope you smothered turning the screw,
Eventually I realized I can say we’re through!
Roaring loud for my crew,
Get the fuck down off your throne,
Ignorant fucker this is my zone,
Vicariously you lived through me ya old crone,
Except now this fool wont throw you no bone.
Up in your old throne I sit now, no longer will you bring me down, so stop hanging around,
Peace brothers the voice of evil has finally been put down no longer will it destroy me so I say fuck you, ***** lay down
She kisses like cough syrup when I have a cold.
but we’re not in love, we’re just alone.
Like a drug company’s overdose.
Trying to replace our heads with holes.
We’re missing days and spending weeks.
Only passing through looking for company.
And semen released is a rotting stomach.
Like a body drained of blood.
My flaw. Our failure.
What are your experiences in how depression has effected your friendships and relationships? With past girlfriends it’s always been an issue between us, and I just lost a friend because any good qualities I had were “overwritten” by depression. I’m looking for advice. I’m tired of being so alone. I just don’t think I can change the fact that I want to die.
Not really sure how this site works. I just stumbled over it while looking for websites to find a suicide partner. Don’t know if I’m allowed to do that on this site. But if not, this still seems like a good place and I could really use some people to talk to.
Thanks for having me here chaps. Thanks you for commenting on my posts and apologies (to the non-cat people) for the fact that most of them included my cats!
In the UK, 2am this morning marked the start of British Summer Time. Naturally, it’s pissing down with rain, but at least the increased hours of daylight means I’ll be able to see it for longer!
Here’s my final set of lyrics to share with you. Frank Turner’s song ‘The Next Storm (it’s not all them, just the ones resonating with me at the current time) –
I don’t want spend the whole of my life indoor
Laying low, waiting on the next storm
But I don’t want spend the whole of my life inside
I want to step out, and face the sunshine
I’m not going to live the whole of my life indoors
I’m going to step out, and face the next storm
I wish you all the very best and may each and every one of you find what you’re looking for. I might stop by the site occasionally to read stuff, but I don’t intend to do any more posts.
I’m off to face the next storm…..
can’t handle this bipolar struggle and loneliness. Been looking for the easiest, most effective, quick, and most painless way out. Found pathologies in autopsy reports w/bag w/helium. Bag w/******** more promising but access is tougher. Any other suggesstions? I cant handle the pain.
Well if you have read any of my past posts you would know that I am deeply inlove with this one girl. I we got really close and I thought I could trust her. I decided to tell her about my depression because I didnt want there to be any secrets between us and she could see something was up. Well I regret that decision. She took it so badly and has pushed me away as a self protection mechanism. Now whenever I bring it up she avoids the topic. Last night I confronted her about it and she said and I quote: ‘Oh and dont always look at the negative side.. you take my absence as disinterest , your cant even begin to imagine how much i actually do care.. i just cant face it because i cannot handle conflict like that’
This is why I wont tell anyone about my depression and suicidal tendencies. Even though I am drowning and desperately looking for a source of hope I wont bring anybody down with me.
I feel like I’ve posted something like this before…So sorry for a potential duplication. Or…Whatever.
Anyway! A lot of times people will do “weird” things caused by depression, or other “disorders,” that can cause oddball behavior. Half the time – ok, I don’t have actual stats, so I’m basically pulling shit out of my ass – but a lot of the time, the behavior is just dismissed as someone “looking for attention.” This NEVER MADE ANY SENSE TO ME. Even on here, so many posts are about it: I did [behavior] to express that things aren’t ok, and it was just dismissed. I really wonder WHY this shit happens. Do people (therapists, whoever) not want to deal with it, so they just tell people to stop looking for attention? And who the fuck wants that kind of attention anyway? It’d be negative, at best. I wonder how (and when) that started. Eh, we (as society) don’t feel like dealing with depression, or whatever, so we’ll just tell people to stop it for “attention.”
So, theory today says one looks for what one needs. If you are eating a lot of sweets is because you need to treat yourself in a sweeter way. If you are looking for spicy things are you looking for something exciting?
What are you looking for and what would it mean?
(Wanting to die, like wanting a real rest? Wanting a total change?)
Let’s try and talk about little things…?
There was a time i was an active user on this sight. tho it was a long ago, i doubt anyone on this sight recognises my user name, i first came here back around 2010/2011. so im old school SP, when i joined the sight was different, we didnt even have things beside our names, nevermind being able to put pictures in beside our names. I came here looking for a suicide partner, someone to go out with. i spent every waking moment reading of ways to die, and i found many easy ways out. but this place gave me the one thing i didnt have. a support network, people who listened and cared and people who helped me get to through the worst of it. i still wonder what happened to those people. is there anyone here from back then who remembers the old timers?
Here’s the thing: I’m fine now.
I mean, I have been so depressed, so desperate… and now it’s all over.
My mind is not sinking in anxiety like it always was. I’m calmed. I can laugh, talk to friends, do things. I’m ok. Everything is back to normal.
Except that it doesn’t feel normal. Everything feels unreal. I’m looking for a job, trying to go back to university, but I don’t want to do any of those things. But I don’t want to not do them neither.
I don’t want to stay home, I don’t want to go away. It’s not that I don’t know what I want or that I don’t care: I just don’t want anything.
I’m 25, so I’m expected to live a lot of years. I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do with all that lifetime. I have no goals.
So, even if I don’t feel depressed anymore, I still want to kill myself. And now it’s different, it’s stronger. Not a desesperate solution. Just… I don’t know, I just may do it, who cares.
And I know, I will never find it.
Stumbled upon this site and I’m wondering if others feel they are looking for something that doesn’t exist. Compulsive shopper thinking I will find something that will make a difference in my life. Really don’t know how long I’ve been doing this and curious if this is common. Thanks
So here is another part of my story. I was a virgin until a year ago. I had never have a bf or kissed a guy or even touch one in a close way. But some people told me I should try sleeping with someone to at least know how it felt. Because I am an old woman and so. and i thought I shouldn’t die without at least kissing someone. It sounds stupid as I write it.
So I followed suite as my brother was on tinder and I opened a profile there. I don’t know where people get to know other people but i thought that site could help me. After three or four failed dates with guys that were too nice that I was afraid of hurting them and instinctively rejected (some rejcted me), I met this one guy.
He took my hand the first time he saw me and half an hour after that he was trying to kiss me and to touch me. And I was stupid and thought ‘this is the guy I need’. No one had ever even looked at me like that before, and I even liked him a lot.
So on our second date everything passed. I was the easiest chick ever. But I am sure I felt in love with him from the start. Over time he made it clear he was just looking for the fisical part. And we saw each other for almost eight months like once every two weeks. Me, trying to show him I could be the perfect gf and he, just looking for sex with a girl that didn’t asked him for a thing and that was willing to please him.
I have this ridiculous thought in my mind that I only want to love one person in my life and that now this person is him. I know it’s weird.
But he started dating this girl I saw on his fb (a perfect girl) and he said it was just someone he was talking to, but no more. And I told him it was ok, that I didn’t care as long as we could see each other… he had already told me he was still looking for someone (and I thought that playing it cool was best for me). But I needed to see him like at least once a week and I stared texting him like nuts inviting him to visit me. And at the end he blocked me on whatsapp.
It was like a month ago and it hurted me a lot. I was bad when I found out about that girl in September and my mood felt to the ground. And that time I had to stop studying (I returned to college years after leaving and I was working on my tesis by then) and I stoped doing everything I liked. Everything hurted. And still does. But this time when he blocked me it felt even worst because it meant there was no chance of ever see him again. (I still check his fb once in a while, i am a stalker :/ )
I love the way he smells, the way he walks, the way he talks. And it’s completely irrational. He has never given me anything. But he is not rude… except for the blocking part he was always nice to me. And was patient if you take into account he doesn’t love me or is not even interested in me.But I was the one that looked after him every time. He didn’t bothered asking a thing about me.
And here I am trying to show the world he is perfect even when I have felt mistreated by him for not caring that I like him. But I agreed to everything all the time, so I am the one to blame.
And after all that, today I was thinking that I didn’t like the way that relationship made me feel dirty. And unwanted and lonely. I was thinking I should have respected myself more and it hurted me to think I was going to give him everything despite the fact he doesn’t cared about me. That I should have been better than that. And I was feeling right about discovering all of this for I didn’t know I could care like that for me.
and now a few minutes ago he called me. He wanted to come to do it. And I melted. My brother is staying here tonight so there was no chance. So he said it was a shame and we talk for like two seconds and then he hung up. I know he will call again someday. And the worst part of it all is that I am hopping for it.
And this is going to kill me.
But I want him… And I am begging for him… 🙁
It makes me feel the worst
Nihilism hit me hard in my seventeenth year of existence. Pretty much all my life i’ve been looking for some “truth” or purpose behind the universe, so the realisation that we are monkeys on a rock, slowly parading towards our deaths while filling the time with seemingly pointless endeavours was quite hard to swallow.
So, why are you alive? Whats your point?
For me, its the gym. I dont know what it is about it, but when i go, my mind clears and its just a battle of me against myself, having to push myself to the edge.
I have to end it now I cant stand breathing anymore. I’m going to make all my notes and from now on am going to spend my time making notes and looking for ways on how to end it. I’m sorry I just can’t fight anymore, I’m done….
That’s the closest thing I have right now that will help me feel human. I have my family around and yet I feel so alone. They are not people I can talk to about these feelings. They just never understand. They think I’m only looking for attention. That’s why I keep these things from them all the time.
I feel so disconnected, I need something to bring me back to reality.
So yeah, pain. Just one cut. Just a glimpse of blood. That will make me feel alive again.