So I was watching this show called “Long Island Medium”. It’s a reality show about a psychic medium who helps people talk to their deceased loved ones. I watch it because it reassures me that there is life after death. Tonight I found myself getting angry and resentful. All these people mourning their precious dead. “I was Daddy’s little girl” or “my mom was my best friend”. I felt like smashing the tv thinking “poor thing, your parents (or whoever) actually loved you.” I felt no compassion for these sobbing people at all. I used to be a compassionate person but I have officially become a cold hearted evil *****. I don’t know when I became this terrible person. Just one more reason I should die. I am ashamed of the person I have become.
Yet another terrorist attack has happened this time in Brussels. Its depressing. When ever a shooting or attack happens i can’t help but to think why does someone have to lose their loved ones and i have to stay. I get so depressed i can’t help but to want to die. If i trade my life for any person who matters who died in any act of senseless violence i would. It doesn’t feel right at all.
I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to die. People think it’s bad to cause loved ones pain like that. I don’t really care too much anymore if my family is sad about it. They helped make me like this, they treated me like crap when I already had to deal with a girl who ground my heart into dust, friends who weren’t so friendly, borderline failing grades, and social anxiety. Now it’s forward in time, and they treat me like I’m a rare jewel. Trying to feign care now that they know I’ve sat in my room with a gun in hand, waiting for the extra milligram of willpower to end it. They piss me off way to much. I hate them. I don’t want to see them anymore.
I am sad. It feels like the ocean waves rolled over and hit me on and on again, leaving me to sting all over. The pain pricks through the deepest parts of my soul. Angela, you spoke as if you were to die soon. You spoke as if what’s left of your life is very short and you want to spend it with your loved ones… You sounded so broken. And it hurts me. This pain, which has been existing for the past seven years, today resurfaced and hit me hard. Really hard. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Where is the young ambition? Where is the passion people of your age should have? Where is the dream that animates life? Where is the youth that enables you to climb the stairs in a flash? You deserve so much, much, more.
Where is the person responsible for this? Who has made you like this? Who broke you into a million pieces? Who left you to crawl alone in the deepest fiery pits of hell?
Why do humans do this? Why do they destroy? Why do they create, and leave their creation to cry in despair and not do anything about it? How could such a thing happen in this world. What a filthy world, what a shameless world.
I AM DEATH! Make way one and all
Give me way, for here’s my queue
I am the cliff from which you will fall
From the tears of the beloved, I’ll make myself a devil’s brew.
I’m here, there, I’m everywhere;
Don’t try escaping, for your destiny is locked and I have the key
A baby, a mother, a wee puppy, your lover?
This is the face I use to show I care
Fight me not, just let it be.
I make big men cry,
I make demons laugh
I’ll take your loved ones, don’t ask me why
For like a carpenter does with wood, from you I’ll make a craft.
Come to me, for I have the answer
I’m a serpent, an eagle; I prey on the free, fake and feeble
I’ll gun you down, beat you senseless
I’ll tie the rope, I’ll give you dope
For more than a thousand demons I am evil.
He loves you, he loves you not
In a matter of seconds, I’ll give you life anew
Here’s the gun, there’s your head
Don’t be afraid, join the queue
And when it has all been said and done
I’ll show you fun, I’ll give you pleasure
I’ll be your moon and your sun,
And you will forever be my priceless treasure.
Do you know what’s the worst thing about suicide?
It isn’t making the decision.
It isn’t buying the things you need.
It isn’t writing those letters to your loved ones.
It isn’t booking the hotel room, so your loves ones doesn’t find your body making it worse.
It’s not even the preparation: putting everything on the table, so you have everything in one place and you just need to sit down and start. Oh no.
The worst thing is when you plan everything, you do everything and 36 hours later you f_cking wake up looking like shit, pale, and you have to go home and pretend like nothing happened.
It’s not the first time and not the last.
I was reading the news and came across an article in the Huffington Post about leaving your tattoo to your loved ones after you die. Yes, you read that right. Quote: “NAPSA — the National Association for the Preservation of Skin Art — launched earlier this month with the aim of helping you pass down your tattoos to your kids, grandkids, and loved ones. It’s no longer a morbid dream. You can have your tattoos removed, preserved and turned into fine art.”
It goes on to say that after you die they need to be notified within 18 hours and a kit is sent out to your loved ones with instructions on cutting out the tattoo (not sure if loved ones do this or funeral home)which must be sent back to NAPSA and after a few months they send back a frame of the preserved skin with tattoo.
So you pay for a kit which you use to cut up your dead loved one to remove part of their skin, send it away, then have it preserved and framed. Something to look at everyday. Not much surprises me anymore but this does. I can’t decided if it is hilarious or disgusting. I guess maybe both but to each their own.
I checked out the website. Its $175 but I think you need to reregister each year at a cost of $60. The only address I found was based in Ohio.
There are some things about life that I absolutely love.
There’s hope in my heart that things will get better.
But I know that’s just wishful thinking.
I’m ready to leave this place behind and see what’s waiting for us on the other side.
I’ve hurt so many people that were nothing but good to me, I know this will hurt them more but at least It will be the last time.
I’m scared but excited I don’t know if i’m strong enough to go through it all again.
I’ve over dosed and ended up in hospital twice.
Most recent was two days ago.
I’m so torn ! I want peace but I don’t want to hurt my loved ones anymore.
Someone help ! What do I do ?
I’ll have a drink for that. Another thought about my ex-fiancee, I’ll have a drink for that too. Another thought about my deceased loved ones, there’s a drink for that. Just a little sip, oh look some anti-anxiety pills I’ll have to take those too. Looking at my life, the past the present and the future and having absolutely no idea where I am going to be, there’s a noose for that…
I don’t get it! I guess it’s a control thing. Society wants to keep terminally ill or mentally ill patients alive, yet abandon them. I seen it in my personal life and in others.
i want to focus on the mentally ill for this rant….
If your mentally ill, your friends will leave you, loved ones will blame you, you will be judged, ostricised, and forced into social isolation. But if you try to commit suicide and they find out, they will come back around just long enough to send the white coat fascist after you and lock you up against your will as if your a criminal.
In the psyche ward (I NEVER BEEN TO ONE just to be clear), the white coat fascists will feed you line after line of bullshit. They will say things like “your life matters” or “you have value” and “there’s still hope” And “if you commit suicide, not only are you gonna hurt yourself, but your gonna hurt the ones you love” yada yada yada.
THEN once you are released, your “friends” and “loved ones” will come back into your life just long enough give you a stern lecture and tell you how stupid you was for planning or trying to attempt suicide and how badly it “scared” them and how much “they need you” in there lives”………………..then they abandon you again, your forced into social isolation, and the cycle continues and your back to square one.
i know how shit works man! Human nature is deceptively evil and pointless. Humanity if a wolf pack – show one ounce of weakness or vaunrability and you will be eaten alive on this big blue ball of bullshit.
There won’t be anyone home besides myself. Friends and loved ones have been pushed away. I’ve been trying to use this time to think about ways to get better. Ways to change but something inside puts a halt to those thoughts…
I don’t want to get better. Things just need to cease going on. Whether it’s the world or just my world. Because the colors been drained, there is no more energy to care. Taking something hot or sharp to soft skin is all I really put effort into. If not that then other ways to wind up hurt. Brusies and scrapes, nicks and cuts…never have I felt so much relief. Maybe I need to stop with all the pleasantries and get serious.
I’ve thought about going on one hell of a car ride but sometimes I fancy the thought of antagonizing an officer. There’s been so much tension lately with the public and being of a mixed background one could easily jump to a rash decision. I feel like I shouldn’t let the thought of pain or gore stop me from reaching the other side. I know I definitely don’t belong here, I’m a monster. And the air I breathe is stolen, perhaps it’s time to return it.
All my life ive been bully by one being well if u can call him that and the worse is it was my brother he teased me antagonized me bully me and call me names its gotten so bad I uncontrollably beat him with objets its hurts me but saves me ive tried g o kill myself many times but then I think what about my loved ones
I wish I knew how to help everybody and sadness wasn’t a real thing. I wish nobody encouraged suicides I just wish words would actually cure depression and it was easier to get help. I wish suicide wasn’t such a common thing it makes me sad that so many people want to die and feel the same way I do. I’m sorry for everybody going through these feelings but make sure you’ve put in all the possible effort you could to be happy before considering suicide. I don’t see suicide as a selfish thing because I feel like if you feel trapped being alive no matter what staying here strictly to keep your loved ones happy would just make it worse for you I feel like if you kill yourself your loved ones should view it as at least you’re finally free of all the sadness the world has put on you. I don’t know where I’m going with this post but I’m just more worried about everybody else’s happiness right now rather than my own
Why is it that for the scariest and most dangerous undertaking of my life, there is no one I can turn to for help? Why do those who supposedly love me want me to continue suffering instead of helping me end my pain? Would they really prefer that I suffer a messy, painful death alone, rather than ensuring that I go out feeling loved and at peace?
I have only to imagine the reverse situation to have the answers to my questions. I know I could not stand by while my loved ones died by their own hand. And yet, this so called love is condemning me to a most likely horrifying death at the hands of an inept executioner. I can’t succeed at the most simple things in life; so how can I expect to succeed at a painless and lethal suicide attempt?
Yet I MUST die. There is NO ALTERNATIVE LEFT. Continuing on in loneliness, humiliation and pain is no longer to be considered. I wish that someone would love me enough to help me do this painful, terrifying, but necessary thing. I’ve already failed at it once… Most likely I will fail when I try again, like I have at everything else in my life. Only the most violent methods will do. I hate being backed into this corner.
I’ve been manic for the past 2+ weeks but on a major come down and feel absolutely crap I saw my cpn yesterday when I was bad with my voices and his coming again on Friday.
I’m so fed up with how I am I just car’t deal with it I don’t mind being minic as I’m happy but that the only time I am
I’ve got a loving family and bf who cares I just don’t want to hurt them but if things don’t change I know i will I’ve suffered from mental illness since I was 15 I’m now 25 I just don’t want it anymore
I’m a prisoner in my own home I just wish things would get better but they never do and if things do improve its only for a short time
I don’t thing I can go on but I after to for my loved ones but I’m scared that it will get the better off me.
I’m at work right now, I wish I were dead instead.
When I’m with my loved ones, I wish I were dead instead.
I’m alone, I wish were dead instead.
Once I’m dead I will be wishing for something else, because no matter where I am it still feeld like hell.
I’m very sick today. I spent all night last night vomiting, and now I’ve just been stuck in bed all day. So my fiance comes home and decides it’s a good time to fight because I told him something he did towards another female bothered me. He degraded me like crazy, telling me I’m retarded, I’m boring, and that he wants me to disappear and kill myself. All of this after fighting yesterday with my mother and sisters because I asked here politely to take an embarrassing picture of me off of her facebook page. Expressing my opinions and feelings shouldn’t end in a fight every single time. I feel subhuman. As if my opinions and thoughts absolutely have to be the same as everyone else’s or I should just be killed off instantly. I don’t get it. Nobody else seems to have to fight their loved ones every single time they say something is gross, embarrassing, disturbing, great, wonderful, ugly, etc. Either way, my fiance will get his wish. I’m looking up methods now.
My life is more than fine, its actually great. I’m about to pay off all my student loans next year. I have a job that pays well with comprehensive benefits. My husband is amazing, and we grow closer every day. I have my own side business doing something I love. So, why can’t I seem to focus on the good?
Why am I so overcome by pain, sadness, emptiness, and fear that I can barely think about anything else besides the serenity of death? I just want to sleep, and sleep forever. I don’t want this life, and nothing in it seems worth waking up every morning for. The good things just seem like a distraction from the thinly veiled reality of life – that the name of the game is just staying alive.
I have already decided that I want to end my life, but I can not seem to decide to end my life. I feel so much guilt relating to the people I love. Many of them sacrificed greatly to get me to where I am. I am also an only child and a daddy’s girl, and the thought of putting my father through such pain stops me cold in my tracks.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wishing I were dead, I just want to focus on happiness like people say I should. I noticed that most users of this site have legitimate reasons to be depressed (such as illnesses/afflictions, addiction, poverty, or a lack of support from loved ones) but I feel kind of like I have no excuse. I just want everything to go away. Is there a cure for that? Or does someone else feel the same way? I would really like to hear from someone else who feels this way.
Here I am again. After months of inactivity and facing the world I’ve found that I’ve wound up on this site again. I thought that I might have been able to focus on work and get my head off from my own negativity. But it never works. Time and time again I find myself coming back to the same conclusion – I have nothing to live for. Others might have people who love them, or a lifelong passion, or an unfulfilled wish. It might just be true that I have given up on life itself, and my contemplating of it only furthers my sorrow. My life was not in vain, however, as I have decided on burning myself for the brightening of my loved ones. Call it a kenosis – I have been giving all I have to my loved ones without a single expectation for reciprocation. Perhaps when I fade it will be into a warm and bright light.
In the light
Fading through the breeze
Of a thousand pinecones
With uncanny symmetry
Peels away a layer
Over my soul
Into fresh warm soil
A veil in the heart
How am I supposed to live like this? I’m not allowed to mess up,nt allowed to be different. At least that’s how it feels. No one will understand me. No one can ever know about what I do. The kind of things I contemplate. IM IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!!! I’m not supposed to think like this, I’m supposed to walk around and gossip, and talk about boa like the rest of the boys. I’m not supposed to keep a razor hiden in my room, in not supposed to look forward to being alone, I’m nt supposed to go home as fast as I can do I can destroy more of what I have taken so long to make.
But I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking about the addictive pain I need to constantly feel, I can’t stop hiding from my loved ones. I kniw I can’t hide forever and I know that one day someone will find out. But I dread the day it happens, although I am constantly waiting for someone to ask. No one seems to notice, not even when I take off my sweaters so my wrists are in plain sight.
I want to lie, that’s all I want to do. I want some one to ask me what it is, I want to say it was just my cat, I want them to know im lying and comfort me and tell me it will be okay. That’s all I wanr. I want someone to cry with, to cuddle and sleep, to hide with. But no one seems to care, no one sees it. And no one will ever know. Because no one cares enough to believe me.
I love life, but is it really worth all th things you have to face? I want to let go, but I can’t. Not forever. How am I supposed to live this life everyday???
how do u do it?