Loved. Whatever it is that brought you here, we are all suffering in our own way, but please know you are loved. Even if just from a stranger, whose face you will never see, an automated pixel design next to its username. We all came here for some reason, and we are all here for each other. You are not alone.
I know a girl
She draws on
with blades instead
It all began when
she was eight.
She wondered why?
Why would he look at her like that?
Why would she let him?
She often thought:
“She loves me”
But deep down
She’s never loved her
And never will
The only one that
Truly loves her
Is Mr. Sharp.
He makes her happy.
He helps her forget about THEM.
When her skin
And her demons
Oh there’s no better
Feeling than that.
But the feeling goes away!
“NO! come back!” she yells.
But not even
Pain wants her.
And that hurts like hell.
People always believe
The “I’ll kill you” stare
And the “go away “routine.
really cares to
To look into her eyes
And see her broken heart.
To see the scars on her
Wrists and thighs.
They don’t care!
No one really does!
I should know
I’m that girl.
Its been a while and ive came to the conclusion that nobody gives a fuck about me. And if the only way I can be cared about is if I was dead then so be it. Id rather be dead and loved then be alive and hated.
I don’t understand why I always manage to mess things up i found someone who understands me loved me and was there for me but I sabatage the relationship that there is no coming back this time I can’t for give my self I would rather just disappear it’s almost been a year and time isn’t healing anything how can u let go of a person if u love them
Tired of being aware
Tired of living with the belief that everyone finds me ugly (even though I am)
Tired of never being positive and frowning
Tired of having no one to talk to
Tired of not having a friend
Tired of never feeling loved by anyone
Tired of watching the people from a distance that I yearn to be friends with
Tired of being me.
I lost someone who I thought loved me. I took on this new way of thinking & living & he left. No more sexual pleasures for God wants me to wait on my husband is what I told him. I guess that sex is all he cared about. I don’t know how to feel. Part of me thinks that him leaving was the best thing for me but most of me is sad & hurt. Should I just give it to him or should I be obedient? Why is this even a question. Putting a man before God. What is wrong with me?
I’m 19 and have a full time job as an apprentice in a good company. That’s about the only positive thing in my life. I have just moved into a new house. With my family. With my psychotic, alcoholic mother that beats me, screams at me. I’m the one that moved us in. I’m crying in my new room because she baught vodka while my dad and brother were out. I took it away and threw it away. So she beat me. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years last week because my depression has prevented me from being happy for many months now. I thought I’m being a good person. He went back to his ex the same day and claims he never loved me – she is his true love. He gave me a promise ring. We were gonna marry. I spoke to his parents. They really liked me. Now I’m sitting here alone. My vest friends – one is in another country becoming a doctor. One is at school. I can’t see them… i suffer from panic attacks. I just had one now. I pray every day. Where is the help?
It was going really well for a while. There was a girl I loved, and she loved me back. I was happy with her. Then we broke up… She told me she had too much school work and anxiety over it, and that her mom told her to (this is 11th grade, mind you). I was completely fucked to begin with but I was okay. I thought I moved on with my life. Then, out of nowhere, she sends me a picture of her with a guy. The fucking *****. I hadn’t talked to her in a month (pretty much since the break-up). I texted her and she said the guy had sent it, she didn’t know. But bullshit. And suddenly all my fucking emotions opened. She told me she lied about why we broke up, that she really broke up with me because she can’t love anybody. She fucking lied to me earlier, twice. It just hurts so much and I still love her I can’t stop.
So a few days ago the last reason for me to live disappeared. The girl i loved and thought she loved me too, through me out of her room so she could have sex with another guy. I didn’t go to work this week i just could not stand seeing anyone. Now there are no more excuses not to do it. No more hope, and no more reason to go on. Plus if i kill myself i’ll give 3 more persons a reason to do it to. 3 pearsons who have no more reason to live, not with me and not without me. Just make them free of their pain. I wisch things would not bi as they are but there’s nothing i can do any more. I wisch the night would never end, that everyone would just sleep for ever and leave me alone. I can’t think of anything else but suicide. I’m happy there’s noone to talk to, i’m all alone in my apartment. I spent the last 3 weeks constantly high. I’m still smoking but i don’t feel high anymore. I haven’t slept much but i’m wide awake, with an overactive mind thinking of all kinds of things. I just found my old surmontil boxes, i got staples of them. I wonder how many i need to take to achieve my goal that is the end. I don’t know 10-30 let’s just take a box or two. I’m ready now swallow them like tic tacs, take me away. just smoking and waiting for the effects to come. I’ll just start drinking some single malt, i heard that it will help to end it. When the cops find this i wish this to be red to my ex. Shie should know why i did it. I never wanted revenge. i haven’t spoken to anyone in days, i can’t stand the thought of doing it. THE END IS FiNALLY COMMING
I feel like I got confirmation today that I just don’t belong. I knew there was something wrong with me. Some hideous abnormality lurking beneath the surface. I wanted to wring the entire world in my hands – twist the planet round and round until all the pain and injustice leaked from it. I wanted to cleanse my soul of the mental torture I had allowed myself to both mete out and endure. I am my own prisoner – a hostage of a world I created to escape the hand I’ve been dealt.
I have grown up watching the world go by – observing others find love and happiness among each other. In my 29 years I have never known this kind of belonging. I am female, heterosexual, intelligent, thoughtful, ambitious, kind and even funny sometimes. I’m obviously well spoken, I’m not terribly unattractive and I like a good Netflix binge just as much as anyone else. I’m normal. I’m what you would call a normal girl. Yet I’m lonely. I’ve never been on a date. I’ve not been kissed or courted or even looked at. I dress nicely, I wear makeup and I carry myself with some measure of grace and dignity. I’ve put myself out there in many ways, many different times and there is simply no interest.
Because I am candid and because I maintain some small, festering glimmer of hope – I have told this worry to the people in my life. Mostly I have been told that life and love are a mirror – if you do not love yourself then the world will not love you. The secret, I’m told so often, is to emulate and even radiate what you would like to see in others. Have I not loved? Have I not stared in the mirror long enough to see someone pretty? Someone worthy? The fact is I have. I have loved myself deeply before and this never, not once, translated into anything reciprocal.
I have been told that I do not need a man. That there is no reason I should believe I cannot or should not live without a companion. Is love not the greatest truth? I recognize on some vaguely intellectual level that I do not need a man to function or think or to pump blood through my veins. But all of us, everyone, is a sentient creature. We are programmed to require understanding and community. Evolution has prepped us to find love so that we may facilitate reproduction – the continuity of all life on earth. Not only have I failed to find the love necessary to bear this legacy but I have failed on a biological level.
As if I need any more proof of my failure – my doctor told me today that I will probably not be capable of bearing children. Not that I ever had the chance – I suppose that’s why it seems so unfair. I never had the opportunity to discover anyone willing to reproduce with me. Perhaps on some biological level, men have avoided me because they can sense this failure. I just don’t belong with other people – emotionally or physically. Dear World, is anyone out there?
It’s pretty late where I’m located right now. Normal people are sleeping. I should be as well, although I can’t seem to do that at this time. I need to get up for work in about three hours, and if I don’t do that, this day is going to be long, no doubt.
Do you ever feel like the silence is the loudest thing around? I’ve moved to a new area, and hardly know anyone. Sometimes I wish there were someone out there, maybe like a radio Dj, that one could listen to at these odd hours of the evening, and just let everyone know that he / she is out there. My world is lonely I guess, and I hate this feeling. Even with those around that loved me, back where I used to live, I never have really felt at home.
What am I trying to say here? I’m not really sure. I consider myself an average writer, although the above seems so scrambled and disorganized.
Why am I posting this again?
I’ve just needed to get this story off my chest. It’s been two years, and I’ve only told two friends and my councilor. This isn’t much of a story, but when I begin to think about suicide I remember the saving thought that I had. A lot of the time we feel so alone in the world. It can be for many reasons, but I think what I learned is, you’re not alone. No matter what you want to believe to make choosing suicide easier, you’re not alone, someone will still feel grief for you when you pass. For some people that’s not much of reason to stop. But I would encourage anyone who is thinking about it to sit down, be honest with yourself, and make a list of people that would probably miss you when you are gone. I guarantee that list will be long enough to reconsider. It doesn’t have to be your very best friends and family only, put down that teacher that always smiles and says hello to you, the girl in math class who asks for a pencil every once in awhile and talks to you while walking to your lockers, or maybe that one kid who doesn’t have many friends that you sit with at lunch on occasion. These people may not be your closest or best friends, but I know each and everyone would be negatively affected by your suicide. Anyways, I’m rambling. I’ll get on with the story:
When I was 17, I was coming home from the movies with a friend. The night was great. I was happy to spend that time with her. But as I was on the hour long drive home something negative just hit me. I felt numb throughout my entire body, I didn’t listen to music, I didn’t even really pay attention to the road. I just felt whatever was going on inside.
I was home alone, so when I got into the garage I just closed the door behind my car. I revved it once or twice. I just couldn’t stop thinking about all the shit that I’ve been through, what hell awaited me back at school, and how my parents and I were not getting along as great as we used to. Then I thought about how insignificant I was. I was (and still am) a nihilist, I knew religion was just a way to provide some people comfort while others rose in power. I knew that. I didn’t care if I was right and that I’d just become nothing, that I’d simply cease to be. And I didn’t even care if the alternative was true. I just wanted to end the overwhelming numbness I felt.
I sat back and waited. Eventually I was getting impatient. I cursed having a huge garage because it was taking so long and fear began to prickle through. The image of my mother sobbing on the ground, next to my car and my lifeless body came to mind. I imagined her screaming through the tears, trying in vain to wake up her only daughter. I thought of my dad, talking to me when no one is around and asking how I could be so selfish, and why didn’t I talk to him if I was in that much pain. I thought of my best friends and how they will never understand why I left them so suddenly and without saying goodbye. I thought of my friend that I had just seen an hour ago, asking herself for the rest of her life if it was somehow her fault or if she could’ve saved my life.
Something else bust through that temporary numbness. It was the feeling of being absolutely loved by so many people. Yes, I was being bullied relentlessly at school. Yes, I was fighting more often with my parents. Yes, I had been through trauma as a young child. But none of that felt like a justifiable reason to take my own life at that moment. I felt that love, and I felt a knot in my stomach begin to grow.
I calmly turned off the car, and went inside to shower and think about what exactly just happened. I thought of how close all of those things were to happening. In a way, I’m glad that when I was thinking about going through with it, I chose such a slow method. It definitely bought me time. I have many guns because my dad and I hunt together, so I’m forever grateful that I didn’t choose that method.
I almost committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning, but thanks to how slow it was taking, the thought of how much harm it’d do to the people I care for stopped me.
I live with parents trying to support the, by both my money and my attention. But they not only do not appreciate it but also do bad things to me. I do this because I think it’s a good thing and because of my religious beliefs. But God also seems to not appreciate it.
I work every day and the cycle continues again and again. I dream of living like a pirate – of doing what he want whenever he want. I am 31 years old.
Also recently I meet a woman who sad that she loved me, but she only was with me because of money. I took a lot of loans for here and than discovered that she was not true to me.
I hate girls, because they are so self-confident and just can not love. I hate people in general. Often when I am on the street I so hate some man or woman that I stay until they walk away. I do not know why – may be they seem happy or self-confident or seems do not care about such people as me.
Can not write much, I am at work.
I know im not suppose to be here, and no one wants me here. I know everyone hates me and all i can manage to do is bring out hatred in people. I know i will never be helped, or loved again. So why do i have to talk myself into it, why cant i cut deep enough, why am i scared. I have nothing worth staying for and no one wants me here. It should be easy then right? It makes no sense what so ever to still be alive when there is no reason. A lifetime in the void is better then staying in hell. Im sorry if i offend anyone
I had a friend, lemme back up…… my husband knew this guy, they used to be the best of friends. They had known each other since they were 12. The guy got non Hodgkin s lymph node cancer when he was a teenager. My husband was up there at the hospital every day with him. he lived, ‘beat it’, whatever..this is unrelated, just a back drop…..anyways, flashfoward….he moves in with us, maybe 3 years into our marriage, lives with us for about a year. Nice guy. I wouldn’t have chosen to live with the guy, but he was an integral part of my husband’s life, and thereby default, i loved him to, and blah blah blah….Joe and I have been married for 12 years now. His friend, our friend….he straight up punched the fuck out….Christmas morning. We buried him the last day of this year. There is no point to this story. It’s just sad. It’s fucking sad. Before all the chemo, he had some of his sperm frozen….you have to pay these companies annually to keep it frozen. His mother is wondering what to do….
I’ve been in bed all day . I feel absolutely nothing.
Except sadness . I wish I had people that loved me , friends .
Anything to make a light brighten inside me .
I can’t stay home any longer. I think I am going to go downtown and get coffee and see if people are playing music . I love it down there . In the arts district. People just play jazz on the streets. No one pays them any mind except me .
That’s how I feel. No one pays me any mind .
Today is hard . I wish my time was up.
Hello all, it’s been years since I last visited this site, under a different Alias. I wanted to share my experiences, maybe to give hope, maybe just to get things off my chest. I’m a male, mid 20’s. I was emotionally and physically abused, and I lost several friends (and a loved one) to suicide, and I myself attempted thrice. I was shattered, broken, and in a dark place. I felt unloved, unnecessary, and evil. I used to cut, and still get the urges whenever an episode strikes. I just wanted to say there’s hope.
I know it’s hard to believe, and nothing I can say will convince you all that it’s true. But by putting one foot in front of the other, by trudging through the muck that’s life, you slowly dredge yourself from the slime and get better bit by bit. Life will not be perfect, it’s going to have its downs. I know, I’ve been knocked down again. I was charged with a DUI, my girlfriend (who I was going to propose to a week after )broke up with me, I lost life savings and had to move back in with my parents. I’m not happy, I get episodes that debilitate me. However, I found hope, a desire to go on, to spit in the face of my depression and get better. I am a simple man, I have no gift with words, but I just wanted to let you all know as hopeless as it seems, as tough as it gets, you CAN beat this.
I understand the pain, the hopelessness. I know nothing will be the same as it was, but maybe that’s a good thing. The strongest people are the ones who overcome diversity, and trust me, I know from experience, you all are the strongest people out there. To keep trudging through all the things you’ve seen and had done to you. For what it’s worth, I love you all, and I firmly believe you can and will beat it, even if it seems tough now. To all those we’ve loved and lost. Te Somnia Nostra Reducunt
After all this shit… the guy I’ve loved posts another rant about how he got rejected by someone else he was chasing, how good he’d be to someone, etc. Then added on how hard it is to get him and he wouldn’t want some of the girls who might want him anyway…. Yeah because we all know you need to be anorexic with your bones sticking out and have the face of a supermodel to get him. And aparantly he had plans to spend Christmas with the girl he was chasing but now just “might” not and so he “might” have been open to going out to eat with me. But that’s highly unlikely anyway.
My dear nephew you’re so young you won’t even begin to understand this decision so it might not even effect you the holidays are coming and shall i perish now or in the future you’re mother will be given a paper copy of this note and she’ll give it to you when you’re old enough so here i go as you may or may not know already i could never manage to have children of my own and never really found happiness but everytime you huged me it brightened my world and i want you to know if anything ever happened to your mom or dad i would have been right there looking after you as if you were my own and protect you the same I never said it to anyone but my dear nephew i love you almost as if you were my own and i would have sacrificed myself for your if i had to lose an arm so you could keep yours without question i would sacrifice it if i had to lose my life so you could keep yours i would without hesitation my sister means so much to me and if she ever has to read this note then no doubt she’ll be crying she could hardly understand this decision herself but you have to vow that you will be there for your mom and make her smile again you guys were the closest I’ve ever let myself get to another person and please believe that i loved you all very much but if you find yourself reading this then please never forget i loved you as well and i loved you a lot it’ll be alright buddy even in death I’ll still protect you and your family from any harm please live your life to the fullest just please never forget your uncle loved you very much and would have done anything for you
Now fellow sp members off to print this note
I can’t believe I’m so frustrated over sausage!! So the people I live with have been super nice and insisted I eat real food instead of live off of ramen. I think I’m gaining weight from not being so starved and having food besides ramen. Ramen is all I can literally afford on my own. But they made sausage in sour kraut 3 nights ago and have had me drooling over it. But then, it was to be saved for the next day. And then the next. And then the next. It’s driving me fucking crazy!! All I want is a god damned sausage! Geez how priorities have changed. I used to get frustrated over the guy I have loved/love, but now I’m frustrated as fuck coz I’m never gonna get to have any of that sausage!