It’s taken me my whole life to realise that have never been “happy.” I was never happy as a child, tween, and now into my teenage years, my sad feelings have developed into anxiety, anorexia, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. I turned to drug use and alcohol. I still smoke and drink a lot. I have these sleeping pills and sometimes I just hold them and think about how easy it would be to just go. I am disgusted by my body and spirit. I think sometimes, it’s not worth living if I can’t even love myself. I have been trying to like my body for years, but I just can’t do it. I started cutting seriously a few days ago and it’s like the only thing that makes me feel better when I’m sober… except for One Direction. I’m not being ironic, although it sure sounds like it. Being in the One Direction fandom has brought me closer to so many people even though we are miles apart. Lately though, my thoughts of suicide have been increasing and strangely enough, I don’t want to get better. I have known only sadness for so much of my life, that if it goes, I don’t think that there will be anything interesting anymore. Honestly, being depressed is just so normal and almost comforting now that I just want it like this but I also don’t want to have my body.
There’s no way to describe my depression, hurt, rage, and emotional pain. So many people have hurt me, turned me away, and just treated me like shit. I can’t fucking take this anymore!
I don’t care who the fuck gets traumatized as they witness my death in a busy mall or airport. I WANT THEM TO BE TRAUMATIZED. Fuck you, society! I hate this lousy, Godforsaken planet, and everyday, I hope that an asteroid or nuclear war wipes it the fuck out!
I also don’t care who the fuck misses me. They won’t be my fucking problem anymore. People don’t give half a shit about me, so why should I care about them?
Who will miss me anyway? I have no fucking friends, and I don’t know why! I USED to be very nice, caring, and compassionate. As of now? My broken heart and shattered soul can’t take any more pain, and it’s quite clear I’m a worthless piece of shit, and no one wants to be around me.
My only companion from now, until the day I die, is my Remington 870. Thanks a lot, everyone. Look at what the fuck you turned me into. You want me dead? You will get your fucking wish.
I know I don’t sound very appealing right now, but anyone that’s looking for a friend…just let me know. (Yes, I’m THAT desperate)
Today I attended the funeral of a family friend, she was 22 years young and she had taken her own life on the 8th of august. I didn’t know her very well, but anyone could see she was very naturally beautiful with a contagious smile and an infectious laugh.
She was well known and well loved by so many people, all I’ve heard is how amazing she is, how she was free-spirited, selfless, caring and kind. I heard how much she loved people, music and how devoted she was to her family and friends.
I heard she was a beautiful, bubbly, spiritual and loving young girl with everything to live for. I heard all of these lovely things and found myself feeling heartbroken wondering why someone so nice and loving felt like she couldn’t live in this cruel world anymore.
I felt heartbroken because she wasn’t here to see or hear all the people who loved her and thought the world of her coming together to celebrate the girl that thoroughly and geniunley enriched so many lives.
During the service I looked around, and the largest cathedral in the UK was full. Full of family and friends from all walks of life, and it was hard not to feel touched by it all. Her sister and two best friends spoke at the service, their tributes were heartwarming as they were long, I was beside myself as a single balloon floated to the top of the cathedral and hovered over the room full of people.
I’m not big on the whole spiritual thing but even I must say you could feel her in there with all of us.
Today saved me, she’s an inspiration, a force of nature and now I have hope in my heart. Although this was such a heartbreaking and tragic thing, even in death she continues to inspire and touch the hearts of people around her. She’s made me realize that there is nothing but love, nothing inbetween love and nothing to stop you from loving people. She’s inspired me to always have love in my heart and others in my thoughts.
Until today, I thought the world was a bad place full of bad people, but seeing such a beautiful soul take her own life had made me understand how my negativity was making my world a bad place. I feel that perhaps if people could have bought the beauty to her world that she bought to everyone elses then maybe this tragedy would not have happened and even if it did, the world would still be better off with just a handful of people like her.
May she rest in the peace she was looking for!
The title sums this up very well “Fucked UP” that is how I see my self and how my family and others view me a lot of the time, but we will get to that later. So im new to the site and just out of luck today before I made my final choice I decided to post a small post on here. For both advice and to see what others think. Im a 17 year old male who is: failing school (for two main reasons: one im lazy and two I view myself as stupid or dumb) I also have no job, no car, no money, and no family that truly cares. Now most of you might think Â “Oh typical teen my parents don’t care blah blah blah” but I speak truthfully about this I have sought help in the past and a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts and actions but the next day before I even got to see a doctor (I was admitted at night with no “specialist on duty”) my grandparents pulled me out of the hospital saying oh this is him throwing a fit and the hospital let me out with out even speaking to me. Another example of this would be another family member when they heard I was depressed told me “if you ever kill yourself do it in the tub so no one has a hard time cleaning up another one of your fuck ups. These both happened around age 8-9. I don’t share my thoughts or even talk to many people for fear of then hating me or realizing hey this kids a fuck up. It’s honestly been driven into my head that im a failure that im useless, I have even gained small voices in my head that constantly remind me of this fact. I moved recently with the same grandparents that denied me the help at the hospital to a area in Florida where I meant my now girlfriend of 2 years and she has stuck by me through all my breakdowns all my crying everything she try’s to hold me high but my depression is just growing more and more and I don’t know if her or I can handle it anymore I hate being a bother to her and I wish I was not but I can’t stop being a bother without ending it and erasing my existence. im tired of hiding behind I fake smile, im tired of hiding everything I just want to end it and stop being a bother.
P.S. Im truly sorry for any mistakes in spelling or grammar i used a spell check but i probably fucked that up.
To whom ever says they know me
If I didnâ€™t want to live
Here is what Iâ€™d give
Iâ€™d give the breathe that fills my lungs
The food that will taste sour to my tongue
I would give the wayward mind I have
The undecided and unknown path
Iâ€™d give up everything
If I didnâ€™t want to live
If I didnâ€™t like humanity
Understand without unnecessary pity
We are overly selfish and dramatic
Obnoxiously annoying and spastic
We dwell to long on things I want forgotten
Too many people assume how Iâ€™ve gotten
If I didnâ€™t like humanity
Perhaps I didnâ€™t want to live
If I didnâ€™t like myself
Here is the basic line up on the shelf
I am pudgy to others eyes
I am loud and I yell too many times
I am an awful person
Donâ€™t believe me just ask some past someoneâ€™s
If I didnâ€™t like myself
Perhaps I didnâ€™t like humanity
If I didnâ€™t like emotions
Itâ€™s probably cause of the constant convulsions
The flip between happy and angry
To sadness and self pity
To selfish feelings, jealousy
And those simply make you feel lousy
If I didnâ€™t like emotions
Perhaps I didnâ€™t like myself
But I donâ€™t want to stop living
Humanity may be hopeless
But I still love myself
Emotions can get annoying
However I am fine
Just how things are
So fuck off, others who think this is a piece of cake.
I lost my mom, she killed herself. I lost my dad, he’s an ass. My brother never bothered with me. I lost my friend, she killed herself. I have two more friends who want to do the same, I can’t stop them and it worries me but I know it’s hard to intervene. I hate people who try to understand me, it infuriates me to no end. Please to those who push and shove into other people’s lives feeling you know what they are suffering and that you are the magical person carrying the cure, when they ask you to stop. Listen to them.
Being happy occasionally is starting to be a part of my life. It’s hard to think last month I ended up in hospital after trying to kill myself. I overdosed on Paracetamol. It was incredibly painful and didn’t work. My little brother saw me in hospital. I wonder how he feels. I didn’t want him to be there. My dad brought him down. My mother and father are splitting up. I worry about my brother a lot. I broke up with my boyfriend who I had almost been dating a year. Now I’m scared to have another one again. I have some amazing friends and one really helps me to smile and be happy. I’d like to go out with him. But I dunno when I’ll be able to. While a spend a lot of time happy nowadays I cant help but think it wont last long, honestly it never does. I hurt alot of people by trying to kill myself and worried many people over nothing. I kinda wish I had have succeeded. Damien, the voice in my head has gone away. He’s not around lately. I fell back into cutting. It’s so good to have that relief again. It hurts in a good way that I know is bad. But when so much has happened lately I think I deserve to give myself a break on trying to fix myself and just chill for a bit. It’s so much work with little reward. I wonder if I’ll last. Sometimes, a lot of the time I doubt it.
Ever since I was a child I was always so sensitive.Â when I was four I was run over by a bycycle and spent 4 hours on the operating table with a plastic surgeon them sewing my face up. Â When my mother died when I was 8 I did not speak for a year. My father sexually abused me one year after she died after hitting me to make me scared. My father had seven strokes when I was 18. I went to therapy and never really did drugs or do not drink or smoke you could say I have my life together. but I am still the sensitive child the one that feels anothers pain more than others the one that cannot stand to let a homeless animal go without food of course I take it to the vet to get it spayed or neutered. The point I am trying to make Is I am struggling. I see so much suffering in the world especially to the animals that it makes me cry. I have been reading ancient prayers of India this has helped to understand the nature of God. I understand that we all suffer. Our pleasures are temporary. What makes me the most sad is a sister that I lost many years ago. We were so close or so I thought. Well I always loved her. She told me after I got married she was always jealous of me she moved away and changed her number. I mourned the loss of her for years and then when I finally saw her she had changed she was now a version of the controlling man she had been with since she was 17. The hardest part is that she lets him call me crazy she does it herself behind my back. She is on facebook she will not add me. She is also on many psychiatric drugs yet I am on none and she has slandered me to many people with the she is crazy that Is why I do not speak with her. She has taken many years of my life mourning her. I loved her she did not love me she was just jealous and hateful. I was bulllied on facebook for starting a picnic for everyone I did it for two years and then they kicked me off of the site after I did so much for everyone. My inlaws hate me the gave my husband cabin away to their gold digging nephew and his wife. We sit her and say life is not fair. That is my story. One more thing I am worried about some homeless animals that are going thru a rough time the backyard they lived in for 10 years well fed the man decided he did not want them anymore so now they are without food. I put food down for them on the street on the safe side. No neighbor would let me feed them in their backyard. They were Buddhist supposed to be compassionate there are only 5 cats. This is my story please pray for me for my husband and I. Pray for my sister to open her heart.
I have hurt so many people lately that I can’t take it. I hurt a girl I fell for because she didn’t realize that admitting your love to someone doesn’t mean your in a relationship. I hurt her when I started dating an amazing girl named Julianna that I realized I love even more. I just don’t know why I hurt people so much on accident. I feel even worse than I have ever felt. I am cutting even more than ever. I just don’t know what to do our how to stop hurting others. I am tired of causing pain which doesn’t just hurt them but also hurts me. I have started to become more distant from everyone. I need help. I need comfort. I need to be able to find some way to escape from everything for a while. I will not accept death though. Anyone have ANY advice? I have lost all appetite and don’t know what to do
I haven’t been diagnosed with a bipolar disorder but i am sure that i have it because it is impossible to have so many shifts of moods. It just isn’t normal. I am such an emotional brat. I can’t stand things going wrong. I had such a good week and experienced wonderful things and met so many people on this festival and now i am back to reality and to my responsilities. I just became so sad in one moment and now i feel so helpless because i can’t remember anything good to keep me on the righ path.
I am so mad at myself because i act out and care about stupid small things which are not even important, i think about people from the past and everyone around me continues their life without a single thought of me. Â what the hell. i relly want to scream so badly and i can’t even cry loudly because i live with two other people.
and no one understands me, honestly i don’t want to talk to people around me because they are so judgemental and keep saying: well there are worst things in life and you can’t do that anymore it’s scary. well i wish i can stop, if only it was so easy. but here i can admitt that i can’t handle bad situations, that i can’t be calm and that i have to cry. i really can’t. my condition is getting worse every year i can see that now and i just don’t want to be a failure. i tried so hard to achieve something in life and it feels like it was all for nothing. i work so hard and some people just get away so easy and life is so nice towards them. i don’t want to wait anymore for things to happen i want something permanent in life.
â€œSuicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me: I quit!’â€
â€• Bill Maher
â€œWhen you’re young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you’re laughing again.â€
â€• Marilyn Monroe, My Story
â€œWe cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.â€
â€• George Sand, Mauprat
â€œWhat’s the big fucking deal? Lots of amazing people have committed suicide, and they turned out alright.â€
â€• Emilie Autumn
â€œI simply wondered about the dead because their days had ended and I did not know how I would get through mine.â€
â€• James Baldwin
â€œShe leaves, carrying a biodegradable carrier bag that reads THE SUICIDE SHOP on one side, and on the other: HAS YOUR LIFE BEEN A FAILURE? LETâ€™S MAKE YOUR DEATH A SUCCESS!â€
â€• Jean TeulÃ©, The Suicide Shop
â€œHave you ever got to a point where you looked at your own life, thought ‘Fuck this,’ and reached for the economy-sized Valium? Ah, suicide: so dark and seductive.â€
â€• Rebecca O’Donnell
â€œShe felt worthless and hollow. There was no hope of fixing this. And when hope is gone, time is punishment.â€
â€• Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper
â€œIf you believe suicide will bring you peace (or at the very least just an end to everything you hate) you are displaying self-caring behavior. You are still able to actively seek solutions to your problems. You are willing to go to great lengths to provide what you believe will be soothing to yourself.. This strikes me as optimistic.â€
â€• Augusten Burroughs
â€œJean had the guts to kill herself, and I admire her for it, although, of course, she was quite crazy at the time, with a brain misfiring like a cross-wired laptop. Pressing the keystrokes love, the screen read die. Pressing the keystrokes survive, the screen read die. The damn thing, her mind-machine, was shot.â€
â€• Tim Lott
â€œThe debate was wearing me out. Once you’ve posed that question, it won’t go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won’t. Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark: why not kill myself? Missed the bus: better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie: maybe I shouldnâ€™t kill myself..â€
â€• Susanna Kaysen
I’ve been to suicide boards before where people get on and say stuff like, “Don’t do it. Suicide is not the answer.” They don’t know the question. Or, “Life’s a *****. Get used to it.” Thanks. “Suicide is the easy way out.” If it’s so easy, why am I still here? And my favorite: “God loves you. Life is the most precious gift from God. You will break God’s heart if you throw His gift away.” God has a heart? That’s news to me. People on boards are very, very shallow. The Final Forum has a long list of topic, including: Random Rants, Bullied, Divorce, Disease, So Tired, Hate This Life, Bleak, Bequests, Attempts. Already I like this board. I start with Random Rants.
â€• Julie Anne Peters
â€œCommitting suicide essentially said to friends and loved ones and the world at large that you were the only thing that mattered, that your problems were hopeless that you deserved to escape from them and to Hell with everyone else.â€
â€• Christine Warren
â€œI didn’t realize there was a ranking,” I said. Sadie frowned. “What do you mean?” “A ranking,” I said. “You know, what’s crazier than what.” “Oh, sure there is,” Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. “First you have your generic depressives. They’re a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you’ve got the bulimics and the anorexics. They’re slightly more interesting, although usually they’re just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you’ve got the junkies. They’re completely tragic, because chances are they’re just going to go right back on the stuff when they’re out of here.”
“So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain,” I said. Sadie shook her head. “Nuh-uh,” she said. “Suicides are.” I looked at her. “Why?” “Anyone can be crazy,” she answered. “That’s usually just because there’s something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?â€
â€• Michael Thomas Ford
My mind wanders all sorts of dark places. It’s like life is never going to change. The fear of death is only because your attached to something or someone. I have someone. I don’t fear death though. I learned that fear is just in your mind and it can go away. I canÂ disappearÂ and the world keeps spinning. My death will only define who I was. Although I want people to remember me as happy that would just be lying to themselves and that’s useless. I don’t really regret anything right now and I want to die in peace and I feel like this is the perfect time. I hoped for an easy way. Not to fast not to long. Just enough time to feel like it’s finally over.
I guess you might think this is a stupid idea since I’m only 15 and things could get better. Something like that. I willing to give it all up. I won’t see myself the way I should or treat myself the way I should. There is no cure. No one can fix me.
When I was younger my life messed up I should of never had to go through what I did. Being raped at a really young age destroyed any relationship I made. I freak out when people touch me or even get close. Being called fat by so many people made me believe I was. My dad drinking made it hard for me to get help. My mom not being there made life so miserable. Everyone needs someone to guide them and I never had anyone. What I’ve done to myself because of all of this is what was the most damaging thing that has ever happened to me. I was never good enough. I would tear myself down and torture myself with words. I had no sense of self worth I am worthless. I realized something. I’m slowly killing myself. I hope that one person will understand why I fine suicide as the only way out of theÂ sadness and anger that I can’t control.
To whoever is reading,
I give up. I’m a 19 year old, white, lower middle class, agnostic, who lives in California and I am killing myself on February 12th, my birthday. I’ve felt this way for several months and had thoughts of suicide for years. I already decided how I am going to go. I just felt like telling someone. I attempted suicide just over a week ago but was talked out of it. This time I won’t be.
I’m an exconvict on parole for possession with intent to sell. I’ve hurt so many people. Especially the people closest to me. This will hurt them but it will be for the best in the long run. I killed someone while drinking and driving a little over a year ago. I struggle with substance abuse and alcohol. I have major depression and even though I started taking anti depressants they aren’t making me feel any different. I feel so much pain and all I want is for it to finally end. By killing myself I hope to finally do something right.
Well.. Hello fellow people on here. I guess we’re all here for the same reason. Because we’re alone. Clearly none of us have anywhere to run to in real life. So we search for it on the Internet. Where anyone can be who they want. Where we can all hide behind a mask and not be ashamed of who we are..
Well, anyway. In ash. Well that’s what I go by anyway.
The point of this post is to help anyone in need. I promise I am good help and will listen. I actually plan on majoring in psychology when I go to college in a few years. I want to be a behavioral therapist.. Because I know what it’s like to be alone. But I won’t treat you like an animal. I treat everyone like the person they are. I love everyone and I can help you.
If you ever need someone, whoever is reading this.
Email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
It could be a help to yourself and me. I don’t have many people either.
Anyways. With love,
Somebody in my philosophy class last semester suggested that maybe life is hell. She said, look at all the suffering and pain, doesn’t it seem sort of hellish the things that so many people have to go through? I didn’t know what to think then but now I believe her. This feels like hell, it hurts like hell. The emotional pain I have experienced as a result of depression is absolutely indescribable. There are no words. The feeling of wanting to die is so strong at times that it terrifies me. I know I am capable of acting on it. But I can’t, because I have people in my life who love me and need me to be here for them. This almost terrifies me more, because I want out but I am trapped here. I want to get better but it feels impossible. I want to kill myself. I never understood depression before this. I understood grief, trauma and sadness, but not depression. I feel out of control, my thoughts are taking over. Thought of suicide are constantly on my mind. Ways to die, how to do it, what it might feel like. I want to end everything, I want it all to be over. I don’t feel scared. I want to but for some reason I am still sitting here.
Many people think suicide is a solution. Just as many know it’s wrong, but commit it anyway because people JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.
My reason to feel suicidal is I don’t know if I’m have the brains of a decent person.
Many say I’m dumb, stupid, idiotic. From people at school, at where I have to stay: my house. I can’t even call it a home anymore. People at school say “You don’t have the IQ of a animal,”. Even if I get something right, they still put me down, reminding me I don’t even seem to have an head. At my house, it’s even more horrible. I’m questioned about how smart I am. If I have the brains to prepare myself in the future. With all this talk, I don’t even know there is going to be a future for me.
I don’t want people to end up like me…… Or beautiful people who are no longer with us.
For people reading this, I won’t tell you to “be more happy”. I’ll just stay this. When I saw this quote, it made me a little more happy. 🙂
Why does it hurt so badly when you breakup with someone you love? It seems like many people contemplate suicide after a breakup, but the reality is that breakups are a part of life and you just have to accept it and move on. Younger people especially, seem to be more affected by breakups. Though when you lose the love of your life, it really hurts and can be hard to move on.
I’ve always lived my life for others……… Its hard to keep doing after 22 years of it……..Â I tried to kill myself last week by jumping into a lake in the middle of the night……….. I was hoping I’d freeze and die…………….. but I didn’t…………. I realized I had done everything I had planned to do in my life……………So why can’t I be happy with it?Â I have a 3 year old son now………….. I saved my husband when I met him from ending his life……………. and I gave him my life………… I try to give him everything and anything to make him happy because I feel like if I could just save one person in this world isn’t that good enough?Â Â But, I find my life unfulfilling and sad.Â Â I used to come here a lot when my son was 16 to 17 months………….. Just looking to reach out because I was reaching the end of my rope……..because I feel like even though I give a lot no one loves me back…………. I found a place online to talk and meet other depressive people and chat…………. I started having emotional affairs…………….but I felt guilty doing that to my husband so I rejected many people because of my loyalty to him…………. I finally found someone who said all the things to me a lover should say and that they were going to give me the world and save me…………So I told my husband I was going to leave him for this person………….and …………. He started to cry and told me I was the only one who loved him and the only reason he is still alive that I am his drug and I fill him up and he had no idea how unhappy I was………….So then he tried to do things better for me………….so I felt bad told the person I was talking to, to back off………………then when my husband got comfortable again he reverted back to only caring about himself………….and with my father moving away no longer speaking to me and my mother being who she is and now people withdrawing from me all at once I fell depressed hard and I felt completely hopeless………………So I drove to the lake and striped and walked in and let the freezing cold waters bite at my body………………..But, when I emerged something happened……………..I was not dead nor freezing……………..I was numb…………………..then I thought of my whole life in that moment…………….I am doing what I set out to do and no matter how I want to be the one who is loved and catered to that is just not going to happen……………..I don’t know who has done this but someone has taught my son to say hateful things toward me……………….I suspect my mother inlaw is behind it……………. she never thought I belonged in here family and yet doesn’t even see how close her own son was to death………………So I take it in stride……………..I won’t try to escape any longer………………. I HAVE DECIDED………………….. I will just give till the end…………………Â I promised to save this man……………… my husband………………… and I will love him till he loves me no more……………………………….he is already considering taking a mistress cause he is unhappy with me………………. but that is my lacking of giving and I know I must try harder to love even when there is no love to be found……………. Love, unless I make it will never exist for me…………… It never existed in my childhood and it doesn’t now………………. So I must make it……………….Â I will give and give to my family and remain in the dark…………………………….
Repunzel gives in,
lays on the floor and clutches the stones
she closes her eyes no longer awaiting her prince
only seeking solace, looking to become the air around her
become the earth under her
her tears be swept to the sea among the clouds
There she will lie still never singing or wishing again
Rapunzel’s wish for an external savior is gone
She seeks only now to dissipate into the natural world from whence she came.
I went for a walk tonight and it occurred to me that maybe there are just too many people in the world. Maybe somehow the universe just created too many people and some of us are just not needed. Perhaps I am one of the people that isn’t really meant to be here. I really am unwanted. I have no friends. Yes, I have people that I talk to at work, but no real friends. I am 37, I work in a professional job. I don’t have kids. I have been in a relationship with a man for the past 7 years (we don’t live together) who has a son and I felt very close to his son, but every holiday time I am left alone while they go camping or vacationing with other families. I am not allowed to go. If I ask I get told he wants to spend time with his son. I don’t understand how the other people are allowed to be there while he spends time with his son and I am not allowed. I spend time with them on the weekends if it is at their house and I stay and we have dinner together, but if they go to other events or visit other people or do fun things I am not allowed to go. I want to have people that I am close to, but I just don’t. All the other people that I know have kids and do family things that I don’t get invited to coz I don’t have kids. My own family (brothers and mother) don’t really want me around and I see them very rarely. The only reason my mother stays in touch is coz she wants me to look after her when she’s old. She keeps telling me she wants me to buy a house with her because she is retiring next year, but I still have hopes and dreams that one day I will meet a man and have a family of my own. My mother was very abusive to me as a child and I still don’t completely trust her, she seems to have a way of making me feel like an inferior person all the time. My job is not so good either, I can’t find stable work and keep getting outdone in applying for contracts by the people who seem to be ‘friendly’ with the bosses. I work in education and there is a lot of bullying and competition in the workplace. I believe that has come about because the area I live the education system runs on short term contracts where people are employed dirrectly to schools and there are not many checks and balances in place to make sure people are hired on merit instead of who sucks up the most. I work really hard, I love and care intensely, but nobody wants me. I am just a spare person that doesn’t have any place here. The only thing that keeps me in this world is my niece, I’m scared that if I am not here I will not be able to help her in life if she needs it. I love her so deeply, but I rarely get to spend time with her. She is 13 and my younger brother’s child. Her parents are not together though and she lives with her mother. She sees her dad on some weekends and so I can’t interupt that time. She is the only person that makes me happy and who I feelÂ connected to.Â But, I fear that soon I will not be able to stave off this feeling of wanting to leave this world. I feel like I’m only holding on for her, but I don’t have a huge impact on her life now anyway and I don’t know if I can keep going just for her. The rest of my life is so painful and lonely.Â I only see my niece once every 6 months and it’s not enough to outweigh the negativity and desire I have to stop the loneliness. I can’t find any reason to be here. I need to have connection with people, but I just don’t. I have tried volunteering, but I find that people just use you up and still don’t care if you’re ok. I hate Christmas time. I feel so lonely. I don’t have anyone to spend new years eve with and will be sitting at home on my own. I don’t think I can face that. I don’t wantÂ start another year without anyone who wants me around.
Depression…It can come to anyone but that doesn’t mean it comes to everyone. It doesn’t just HAPPEN like that either. If you’re depressed, there’s a reason to it and it’s not something silly or stupid, it’s actually quite serious.
So that means all the people telling me that I’m looking for attention are wrong, and that something has happened within my lifespan to cause depression in my life. I’m not being an a**hole, attention-seeking or anything. I’m actually depressed.
But then there’s no cure to this. No-one to talk to around me, those whom I CAN talk to are far away, nad many people don’t even know that I am depressed because I’m always having this fake smile & happiness thing going on. I’m the one who’s always joking around, always smiling and laughing – sort of the class clown. So of course, who expects to see a sad clown??
These inabilities to talk to people – these walls – they were created by…everyone. Everyone in my life, including myself. Or maybe, the world gave me a way to go, and that way was to build the walls.
To those people who haven’t experienced it, having no-one to talk to sounds like such a petty little thing, while in fact it’s the centerpiece in depression for many people.
I can’t even talk to my parents about it. I’ve been thinking about taking pills and other medication, but to tell my parents right now that I’m depressed and that I need help…They wouldn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t.
It will be like “What the hell are you talking about?”. My mom would probably laugh at me (because she’s a ***** like that) and my dad would be a little more than surprised, even shocked. My sister would condescend and be all “I know what you’re going through.”, when the biggest personal problem outside of school she had was having nothing to wear for her parties and how to sneak out without getting caught. Her boyfriends here mostly good people so she didn’t suffer to much there.
No-one to talk to, nobody cares.
No-one wants to hear my story, so why am I bothering them?
I’m sorry that I posted. You probably don’t want to hear this, but even a clown sheds tears from time to time.
school is going to start, it’s going to be a sudden change of pace… reading, always reading… so many people… memorizing stuff… I may not have to post anymore… it’s interesting to have gone through this in this way… i’ll be back but who am I?
I’m sore from trying, I’d rather be sore from doing… my head hurts on and off… 2 more days until a new year… will I be able to do it? will IÂ finallyÂ make it? I tell myself I’m strong enough… I do… I believe I’m ready to do this… Time is crawling…still I wonder, am I worth making this memorable again?
Did i say that i was suicidal over rage? that’sÂ embarrassingÂ to admit, I failed myself, beyond reason… trusting in someone…
After I threw everything away I’ve managed to save over the years, I felt like I couldÂ finallyÂ commit…
But, I held onto little things, still grasping at a moment of hope… for love… still, I want to love.