It’s been hard, very hard, there are times in which I was fine, others in which I was simply “better”, I feel simply weak, like I’ve seen people passing for things so much more complicated than me and yet I keep asking myself. Why to live? What is the meaning of all this? Why keep feeling all this sadness, I can’t fix some things, I can’t fix my life and I can’t talk with anyone about these things, I don’t have family or friends to speak about it, that’s hard, having to act like I’m fine, HAVING to be fine,why do I have to be fine all the time? Why the world can be simply so cruel? I just want some hope, some real reason to be alive, to really want to live. For many years I’ve been better but the last 5 years made me get a lot worse, I just want someone who could listen to me… take me out of this loneliness in which I’ve been for so long…
Why should the world be over-wise, In counting all our tears and sighs? Nay, let them only see us, while We wear the mask.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries To thee from tortured souls arise. We sing, but oh the clay is vile Beneath our feet, and long the mile; But let the world dream otherwise, We wear the mask! – Paul Laurence Dunbar
Why did I come here? I have no intention of dying. I wear the mask of happiness day in and day out. No one knows my secret pain, and I shall keep it that way. I came here for release. A place to put down words that express the emotions I must compress, day in and day out, while I wear the mask for the sake of others who cannot bare the face behind my mask.
I do not want their pity. There is nothing they could say or do to make it better, for nothing at all is wrong. My life is perfect. I just…hurt. The doctors have tried, pill after pill. The healers have tried, technique after technique. Nothing can fix me, because nothing is wrong, and so, for their sake, I hide the pain behind the mask and give my all to those who love the mask.
Cancer leads to death. Accidents lead to death. Aging leads to death. Death is the ultimate and final destiny of all living creatures. Why then, would my death, be it now or be it then, make any difference? Is the loss considered greater if it is delivered by thine own hand? Is their pain more insufferable because those I leave behind could not stay my hand? If I was ill, or tragedy struck, or the clock finally ticks it last tock, would their pain be so much less than if I delivered myself, by my own hand, from the unbearable pain that I bear, for their sake, day in and day out?
When I see you smile,
And hold your hand
I feel blesses, so full of soul.But inside my chestI’m bleeding,
From a cavernous, heart-shaped hole.
When you hold me tight it feels like flying,
When you kiss me softly I feel like crying.
I seem okay, but inside I’m dying.
For you have my soul, my dying breath.
WhilstÂ cling to only memories left.
from when it hurt us both to part,
From when you held me in your heart.
On the surface all I have is passion.
But beneath the mask is pain.
And every time I fell renewed,
I’m plunged into sorrow again.
Each day is painful to live.
And I have nothing left to give.
The blue skies darken above me, for you say you do not love me.
and no matter how much I try to forgive,
I’ll never be joyful again.
I few days ago I had a meeting with my doctor an psychiatrist, and my doctor was like: “Oh, and ofcourse next week thursday is your leaving date.” Just in middle of the conversation, and I was like: “What??!! O.o” because it wasn’t the plan, we would discuss about what next, staying longer in the psychiatric hospital or getting therapy, on next week tuesday, and he already made a discision, which he would not change clearly. They had the plan to send me home with no therapy, while I still need help, and I wrote a poem about it, because I waa really confused and down of that news. I wanted to share it with you:
Why do you always underestimate my problems?
I never exaggerate,
but you still underestimate my problems.
You won’t truly help me.
You just want to please me.
Don’t you get it?
I’m a girl,
who’s feeling sad and lonely,
She sees no other option than dying,
she’s fed up.
She has a lot of problems,
she doesn’t go to school because she can’t handle it,
because she’s always stressed.
She’s getting mad on the smallest things,
because her body is full of anger.
She’s not enjoying her life,
because she’s depressed.
She ruined her body,
because she self-harm,
it’s the only way she knows how to cope with her problems.
She has a trauma,
which she can’t handle.
She has constantly flashbacks,
that are driving her crazy.
She is wearing a mask,
that hides her true story,
because she doesn’t want to annoy anyone.
She has a voice in her head that commands her,
telling her to do things she doesn’t want to do.
She can’t trust anyone completely,
even not herself,
because people have misused her trust too many times,
people have damaged her trust.
But no one really seems to understand,
how worse her problems are,
how much she’s hurting.
She really wants to get better,
she really wants to do her best,
but she can’t do it on her own,
but no one will help her,
or they underestimate her problems,
or they can’t help her.
Her problems are worser than you think,
but you won’t believe it,
because you are just naive and you believe her outside,
which is just one huge acting.
She wished that someone would really understand her,
and won’t underestimate her.
She needs help,
she can’t do this on her own,
she is too weak to solve all her problems on her own.
She needs help,
How many of us continue to struggle and suffer in a place we no longer want to be? How many of us have tried therapy, medication, family, friends, and religion only to realize that you still want to leave this world? Most of us know how we want to go and when we want to go, but have that one thing that keeps us from moving toward peace… our families. If we could just cover up the fact that we committed suicide and make it look natural or accidental, we’d probably take that final step toward death. If this is not your situation or concern then I apologize, but this is where I struggle the most with my own demise. I simply do not want to hurt the ones left behind to deal with the loss, shame, and guilt of my actions. So, what to do…. If only I could convince someone to come to my home and remove the tank and mask once I’m gone. In affect, removing Â any trace of an act that will devastate my loved ones. Simple really, but who can I ask to do the task? Anyone that I already know would simply have me committed! Trusting someone off the street seems impractical as well. What I propose is this,… a volunteer group of people who can carry out these requests, and as members of this group we help one another much like the “pay it forward” approach. I do it for you, then someone else will do it for me, and on and on. Think of it as mercy helpers without the legal implications. We’re just doing clean up to an event we had no part of, and it’s untraceable! A simple pick up of a tank and mask we can easily cart off in a backpack to be discarded in the trash elsewhere. Your ideas and suggestions please. 🙂
What’s the point? I hate everything. I hate being a teen, and I don’t want to go through whatever bullshit comes my way in life. It’s just going to be full of people who have no sympathy for you and just laugh at your misfortunes. I frustrate people to the point to where they want to just disappear when they listen to my problems. No one can get anywhere with me. I was even called “typically close-minded” today. I always thought I was better than that. I always think most of the poem “Richard Cory” perfectly describes me:
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;Â
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
‘Good-morning,’ and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich – yes, richer than a king –
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
I’m no king, but I definitely feel like I’m hiding behind a mask outside the home. Everyone thinks I’m this happy, easygoing person who likes to have fun, when the truth is that most of the time, I’d rather be dead. I don’t enjoy high school, and have yet to meet someone who does/did. You can barely develop as a person, since you either conform to whatever is considered cool, or no one pays attention to you. I don’t want to go through anymore suffering, and I certainly don’t want to add misery or sadness to anymore lives. I’m always worried I will never be happy, and then realize one day, that it’s too late to change anything. :'(
The walls of this house haunt me…They reflect every memory and mistake. As a child, the pictures on the walls, made me feel lucky. Like I was truly loved. Sooner than a young child should, I learned they were the mask, the mask over an unhappy home. The pictures scream at me… Telling me, remember before? When you were innocent and things were simple… They also tell me, keep up this bravado, be strong even when the mirror breaks you down, when every word from her mouth is trashing you.
But.. in all honesty I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO BE BRAVE, putting up with all of this pain, I…. I am just of tired pretending, I am not small anymore. I don’t idolize the Disney princesses, I can’t just wish that everything will get better. I need to try and fix myself, But I am nothing. I am weak, just ask the mirror, that evil b*tch will tell you every secret I have ever kept. Every detail about me… Me and My Mask.. I guess I’m a lot more like her than I thought… Fake, A Liar, Weak.. ME, in all my glory…
So I made quite a long post earlier “tl;dr” and since then Ive been reading through some posts and Ive realised I need to ask for help. Ive studied a bit of psychology and im sure im a manic depressive with social anxiety and mild eating disorders. I need to and want to ask for help but I dont know who or where to turn. Im reluctant to go to friends and family as I dont want them to see me differently, I wear a great mask have for years, they dont suspect much I dont think and I swear to god the slightest bit of sympathy or pity will send me totally down the wrong path. How do I get around that someone whose been through it?
I don’t know what to do or say anymore.
My friends don’t want to be around, they don’t want to hang out. The promises were all hollow. my family tells me to suck it up and get over it. My own mother told me to go and kill myself. I just cant take it anymore, I cant take having my caring thrown back at me, I cant take people always screwing me over. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Im tired of being all alone, waking up alone, going to bed alone. I just don’t want to live anymore. I wish I had never heard of love, I honestly wish it never existed. People think I am so happy, and im so tired of wearing the mask to hide up how horribly hurt I am. I try to tell people when they hurt me or say something insulting and all that happens is it gets turned right on me. Im always the one doing something wrong, Im always the bad person. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t want to live. They always say god never gives you more than you cant handle, well that’s a bold faced lie and from my point of view, god is a cruel asshole.
I don’t know what to do or say anymore. I just cant take it anymore
Hello, my depressive friends. So i want to sharehere my thoughts and feelings. If i feel a sadness, (last times i most felt that.) me like a more peopld listen sad music. And one of these song with beatiful metaphors and brutal melody – Suffokate – Distant Words. I hear that in my lost 2012 summer…era of my fears and tears.. so by the theme. If you understand my mind read the lyrics..i have many ttoubles, and i didnt see the true escape. If you want, i will tell you my horrors. Thanks
Loss on these city streets distant faces distant memories
A city built upon the dead
There are times when those eyes inside your brain stare back at you
Dying should come easy just like a frieght train when your back is turned
I have listened to the sound of water
Running in tubs and longed to drown
Bring me the end that is long overdue
The trouble with a mask is it never changes
Who wants to live forever
I always dream of my death
I concentrate on the bad things
Until there’s nobody left
I was born to hustle roses down the avanues of the dead
I suppose like other I have come through fire and sword
Life gone wrong
I have listened to the sound of water running in tubs and longed to drown
Lost at sea head on crashes
We are like a rose that never blooms
It was a lack of hope that discouraged this man
There are times when those eys inside your brain stare back at you
Dying should come easy just like a fright train when your back is turned
Who wants to live forever
I always dream of my death
I concentrate on the bad things
Until there’s nobody left
Dreams won’t come true
I’m stuck living through these petty days
I can’t see straight I can’t go on
I concentrate on the bad things
Until there’s nobody left
I’m always living the hate life day by day
I can’t see straight I can’t go on
I concentrate on the bad things
I dream of death until there’s nobody left
I can’t go on.
It’s just before 12pm. Â I have only just woken up and I wake up today looking at life like it’s a curse. Â What is the point of living life? Â (Not in a suicidal state of mine). Â I lay here thinking to myself how hard it is to get out of bed to get to the shower or to get downstairs to eat breakfast. Â So I just lay here for longer. Â It is now 1pm. Â I have decided to get up and start going on with my day to day jobs. Â I was meant to go out today but I don’t want to leave the house. Â I am scared. Â I am frightened of the world out there. Â I am afraid of the world behind my closed doors. Â This is my sanctuary. Â In which I am still trapped with the demon that lives inside of me. Â Behind my nightmares, endless nights of tears falling, my everyday of pain and the mask I wear; there is a little girl wanting to come out. Â The little girl that was buried into the pits of anguish five years ago. Â Her innocence destroyed, her happiness vanished and her heart fell to pieces. Â Nearly six months ago I met someone. Â We fell in love. Â I was happier than I had ever been in my whole life. Â He is the most important person in my life. Â I don’t want to disappoint him but the person he fell in love with is slowly diminishing. Â I need help before it’s too late. Â They are coming back to get me. Â I see them in my sleep. Â I see them when I wake up. Â I see them when I lay awake at night. Â The darkness holds me close. Â Too close. Â The past few weeks has been the start of them coming back stronger. Â I am growing weak. Â I don’t know what to do anymore. Â I am scared that if I don’t do something it will be too late. Â They bully me, they torment me, they make me feel weak when I’m at my worst. Â My love of my life, you’re my only hope. Â I want to hold your hand. Â I want to escape this nightmare. Â Please take me in your arms and tell me it will be okay. Â I don’t know how long I can keep this barrier up for on my own. Â Every time I try to tell you exactly what I’m feeling, I get the feeling that you think I’m just making up excuses. Â That is the last thing I want to do. Â I want that little girl to come out into the light.
I am drowning in my depression.
I am unable to reach out to anyone, because I have no one to reach out to. I have lost what friends I had because I was “a bummer to be around.” I did what I could do mask my feelings, but I can’t, not anymore.
I am writing this not looking for sympathy, but to simply tell my story, and maybe, for once, I can be of some worth.
I was raised with one simple phrase beaten into my head, I am worthless. Whether I am or not, does not matter when that is the only thing you feel: worthless. I was physically and verbally abused by my step-father from a very young age. My mother, refuses to believe me saying that I am only looking to start a problem, or that “he would never do that.” I can vividly remember being afraid to go home, and being beaten for doing nothing wrong. Much of my childhood I can not remember, I’m assuming it is because the memories have been repressed.
My real father, killed himself when I was very young because of his own depression, so my depression could be hereditary, or consequential, but at this point I’m not sure that is important.
I was told a story about the night my father killed himself. I was supposed to be with him that night, but because my mother was unable to meet with him that night for visitation, I wasn’t. He had plans to kill me along with him.
I have lived my entire life believing I was meant to die that night, and that I was never meant to burden those around me.
That is how I feel now, nothing more than a burden.
I can not reach out to those around me, because they either do not believe me, or can not comprehend. I would do anything for someone to understand what I’m going through.
I am married. My partner is a wonderful person, but they deserve much better than I. I feel that I have ruined their chances at having a normal and happy life by marrying me. I honestly feel my death, will set them free from me.
The funny thing about depression, is that no matter how many people are around, you always feel alone.
Every morning I struggle to get out of bed. I feel as if the life I have left, is not enough to sustain me. I’m tired, all the time. I have lost interest in everything I have once loved.
I hope you are able to find the help you need. I want for you what I could never obtain for myself, happiness. I wanted nothing more than to help others my entire life. I hoped that no one will ever have to feel what I feel, go through what I have. I have always wanted to be there for someone, maybe I finally can be. If you know someone who even jokes at the thought of suicide, do not take that lightly, they are crying for the help they need, they are just ashamed to ask for it, as am I. There are always signs, you just have to care enough to look for them.
I once saw a picture with a caption that read “People put up walls not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down.”
This is true for depression, however, we have no control over these walls, and they will continue to build, until the weight is too much to bear, until the walls are internally filled with our sorrow and loneliness, and we drown.
I do not feel that I deserve the help I would require to rise above this. I am afraid that I will be dismissed, considered nothing more than an attention seeker, not taken seriously, or told to grow up, and get over it.
The walls are intact, and I can not climb out. I am not sure how to escape these feelings, or even just to stifle them. I am overwhelmed with loneliness, and I want to finally have relief.
A song I like about hiding behind a mask.
I really can’t take it. I just want to take a break. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to try and live like this anymore. I tried okay? I tried so hard to focus on life. And I just can’t reach it. Even though I’m young, I’ve never felt this pain ever before. It hurts as bad as hitting by a truck. I want to cry, but all I have is a mask that covers me when I’m badly injured. I told them, I was fine, just felt kinda tired for sleeping too late. But no. I tried everything to end this. I told them after finding out that this has gone worst, that I might commit suicide. They say don’t, and begged. But all I hear was “Do it!”. I continue to say, “I was joking.”
Although, I was serious. This might be my final choice. I just have to have the right death.
My friends uses me as a doll. My best friend was gone. I am left out. I am dumb and stupid. I have no sense of logic, I tried so hard to have a good grade, but it fails everytime I have the motivation to do it. So, people would not help me, cause my grades are low. My mom and dad likes to talk to my older brother. I think my brother might be an incest, he keeps getting his head close to my body. My cousins won’t talk to me, they’d rather have fun with my older brother. So clearly, my brother is the only one that seem important to my family. I don’t have a lover, no one seem to notice me. I always think that there is a lot of people that are better than me, which pressures me a lot. I hate me.
I know that a lot of people are struggling to life. The poors, the homeless, the drunk, the so-much-in-debt. But they are used to be like that in life. I am not. I’ve been like this for 2 years. And I can never live this way. I am too, struggling in life. Try to make my parents, teachers, and others that are concerned, that I am okay. I am not. I can’t take this. I’ve been running for a hundred mountains. I’m tired. I just want a break in life.
Like the title says, this is just a rant about my trials and tribulations. I don’t really know if posting my story will be of any use to anyone but I just couldn’t leave this world without anyone knowing about it. I guess someone should know, even if they don’t really know me. But in all honesty I don’t know if anybody really knows the real me. I wear a mask and pretend to be “normal”. So nobody really knows. They’ll probably never find out either because this page doesn’t link to me in any way. But I figured somebody should know my story and this site would be the place to post it. After all, that’s what the slogan says right? “The suicide project.. share your suicide stories with others”
Oh wow! I just realized that I just went on ranting about the reasons for my rantings…haha! I really am crazy!
I guess once I do the deed, if I can gather up the courage to do it that is, people around me will wonder “why did she do it? she looked fine and she had so much going for her”.. Well I asked myself the same questions for a long long time until I recently found out the root cause for all this. Like most depressed people I used to do a lot of reading on depression and related psychology stuff. So one of the main things they say is that the reason for most people to have depression stems from childhood abuse and trauma. I always skipped these explanations because I didn’t think that I experienced anything of the sort. Then one day after seeing this explanation for the millionth time in an article I decided to find out what this was all about. What did they mean by “abuse”? It turns out there are various forms of abuse and sexual abuse and physical abuse, the ones that immediately comes to mind are only two of them. There are also many forms of psychological abuse which can occur where the behavior of their parent damages the confidence and self esteem of the child or young person, resulting in serious emotional deprivation or trauma. Well in my case it was probably not that serious but it did happen and there were many reasons for this. It started with my father going abroad after my brother was born. My mother was under a lot of pressure and she took it out on me. As a kid I felt safe when my dad was around and when he was not I felt scared. Even after we went to where my dad was and both my parents were there it was the same. My mother would scold me so much and she would always tell me that I was an accident and that nobody wanted me when I was born because I was too ugly. She told me that my grandmother cried when she knew my mother was pregnant with me and that she, my mother, had no choice but to have me even though she didn’t want me. And after I was born she said the doctor brought me out and even though my dad and my grandparents were all there nobody wanted to take the baby from the doctor because I was too dark and ugly. Finally the doctor was surprised and looking at everyone’s faces at which point my grandmother felt bad and so she took me. I have heard this story time in and time out all through out my childhood. It was as if my mother felt some sort of satisfaction or gratification in telling this story to me over and over again. She would laugh while telling it as if it was some joke. But as a child I couldn’t understand why it was funny. Every time the story was told, I’d just sit there silently while everyone else laughed. Anyways, that is how I came into this world. A miserable ugly wretch, unwanted by my own parents and grandparents.
This was just a passive form of abuse. The more active form started later on in my teens. I used to have problems with my friends and I used to go to my mother for advice. She would listen to me and always point out that it was my fault that I was having problems and when we had fights she would always say that my friends didn’t like me because “how could anybody like you when your own mother doesn’t like you”. This rings in my head every time I meet somebody. Its so painful to hear those words in my head. I always expect people to eventually dislike me and leave me. I was so surprised when someone fell in love with me. I guess I was expecting it to eventually fall apart because I always had this phrase ringing in my head. It was like how could anyone love me when people don’t even like me. I guess that’s why I behaved in a self destructive manner by screwing up everything including my career to be with him. I just couldn’t believe that some one loved me and I just held on to it with all my might. But that move was just another nail in my coffin.
And then a lot of stuff happened with this relationship. He was a bit controlling and his parents didn’t like me. We were engaged and about to get married but the parents called off the wedding at the last moment. Anyways these things just dragged me deeper and deeper into my depressive state until it became almost unbearable. I developed a lot of anti-social behaviors. I found it difficult to talk with people if there are many people there. I just got stuck, blacked out, nothing came to mind and I just sat there like an idiot. It still happens to me even now. I get scared that if I say something people will dislike me and leave. It made me more irritated and trivial things set me off into anxiety attacks. I used to scream in my room for hours like a crazy person. And I used to get into fights with my mother and when my brother was there when this happened he would beat me. I’d have bruises all over me afterwards. But my mother would always defend my brother and say that it was my fault for aggravating him. I couldn’t do anything. I’d just cover all my bruises the best I can and get on with my life because I was too ashamed to tell anyone.
Things didn’t get any better after I started working. The panic attacks worsened and I started becoming suicidal. That’s when I decided to seek help and I went to see a psychiatrist all on my own one day after a failed suicide attempt. The f***er gave me anti-depressants after talking to me for 5 mins and sent me off on my way and moved on to the next patient. I was patient number 50. Needless to say, it didn’t work. I took the meds as directed in the morning and it made me feel better, but as it wore off towards the evening I felt more agitated than ever and the anxiety attacks were worse. So I stopped them. Then I told this to my mother and I asked them to please take me somewhere where I can get help. But they didn’t really understand the situation and the main thing they were concerned about was bumping into someone we know while at a psychiatrists place and about people finding out their perfect little girl was f***ed up. So they told me “lets do it once we go abroad”. So after I quit my job and went to where my dad worked, I decided to bring this up again because they seemed to have forgotten it and they acted as if everything was okay. I had never talked about this with both my parents so I sat them both down and I told them “look here, there is something wrong with me. I am sad all the time and suicidal at times. Maybe I should get help before I start on anything else.” Well they listened at the time but they didn’t do anything.
While all this was going on I also went through a couple of failed relationships. I guess I just make myself a doormat to please them because I can’t believe someone would be interested in me. So they wipe their feet on me and leave me to clean up the mess. After the first relationship the next two were much older guys. The second was 8 years my senior and all he wanted was to have fun. I didn’t see it. It ended up in him using me and throwing me out of his life once he was done without so much as a decent apology. A few months ago, this jerk-off got married and he sent me an invite on LinkedIn to get back in touch with me and to let me know of this. The next guy was 10 years my senior. He lied about his age at first but I let it go because we really connected. After a couple of months, he disappeared. His number didn’t work and I couldn’t contact him through any other means. This took a huge toll on my already fragile mental state. When I Googled his name, I couldn’t find anyone with that name and the details he had given me. He said he didn’t use Facebook and I didn’t bother to check this stuff. After searching the web using countless search terms, I came across this guy having the same details but a different name. And to my surprise, this guy was on Facebook and it turned out that it was him and he was married. They had just celebrated their 7th anniversary around the time he met me.
I guess you can imagine what all this did to my already fragile self-confidence and mental state. After all this, I went back to guy number one and we decided to get married, even though the situation was not ideal, what with all his parents objections. But it turned out to be a classic case of marrying in haste and repenting in leisure. I had developed a few bad habits along the way and having a few drinks(alcohol) was one of them. He didn’t like it and we fight about it all the time. He knows about my problems but he pretends that there is nothing wrong with me. He gets annoyed with me when I get depressed. Just like my parents. he doesn’t understand my condition either.
After laying out all the facts like this, I can see that I have taken many wrong turns. Hindsight, as they say, is a wonderful thing but I don’t see how it can help my situation though. Maybe its evolution at work. Maybe I am a weak mutation which is not to survive for the sake of evolution. I don’t really understand all the reasons as to why I am where I am right now. But at the end of the day, I don’t hate anyone. I refuse to die with hatred in my heart. My parents may have made mistakes but I know they never meant to hurt me. My brother treated me the way he did because he didn’t know what he was doing to me and because he too was damaged in a different way. The guys I loved treated me the way they did because I let them treat me that way. There is no point in hating them for it. So at the end of the day, I forgive them all and I do not hate them. I was just not meant to live. I was just not fit for this world. Its just the process of natural selection at work. I know my actions will hurt the people around me. I just hope they can forgive me and that they can move on with their lives without letting my actions have too much of a negative impact on their lives. I maybe naive to hope that but that is all I can do.
I wrote a poem today. About all the misunderstoodment about how I look like and how I really feel. My therapists don’t understand me, I explained it so many times. They keep saying that I don’t have a mask and that it’s the real me how I act, but that I think it’s a mask. Yeah right, so I have feeling so depressed for so many times, but acted like I was happy, but my therapists tell me that I really was happy in that time. So they tell my that I haven’t felt suicidal and depressed? How can they know what I feel?
Here’s the poem I wrote:
There’s my inside and my outside.
Between them there’s a huge gap.
There’s a gap between who I am and how I act.
But the only thing people see is my acting.
Even when I’m acting depressed,
I occure better than I really feel.
But I can’t change it,
because the mask became a part of me.
It’s my way to survive,
to live longer.
Why is it so hard for me to let people in? Why do I put on a mask and hide my emotions? I can almost feel a curtain come down, blocking my soul from whoever may be there.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck,trapped oddly enough by my family. My husband has too much at work, and I don’t know how my kids would handle me having a second stay in the hospital in one year. That’s why the permanent solution keeps rolling around in my brain. Just be done with all of this. There’s a part of me that wishes my family gone for the simple fact that I would certainly be dead by now. Then I feel guilty for not just thinking that thought, but even typing it here.
I am tired of being the one. I am my mom’s caretaker and I am the one who has to go to all of her appointments with her, get her meds, make new appointments, cook, clean, and basically everything else. Then there’s my sister. She is handicapped and I fear that sooner or later I’m going to have to take care of her too. I don’t want these jobs anymore. It’s been almost 2 years. I don’t want anything, to be honest, but to disappear. To end all of this emotionally,mentally, physically, draining things. But I’m too chicken shit. I’m a coward. I would rather die at the hands of the cancer that I fought so hard to beat, or a car crash, because then in death I would not be hated any more than I am now. What they hell is wrong with me?I’m worrying about what people will think of me when I’m gone?
I gave in to my cutting urges. It was so unsatisfying. Why? I was disappointed in the lack of release it use to give me. Sad. So what’s the next step? What could replace that release? I have no idea. I just had an incredibly strong urge to punch something. It came from my gut,in to my mind, wanting to destroy something. And really, it doesn’t matter if it’s an object or myself. Anything to let this rage out. Fuck. It’s hard trying to reign these feelings in.
I hate my kind.
I hate their faces, their ignorant smiles. I’ve grown to hate them indisciminatly. What the fuck is wrong with those people? Hollow minds inside puppets made to walk with rotten strings. Let yourself fall into the bliss of mindless simplicity. Almost life a hivemind, brainwashed and seemingly happy with it.
Go with the crowd or fall with the trash.
I do not claim to be a saint nor have my 21 years of existence given me enough experience in the way of life, but is it just me or everything seems so twisted. What happened to sincerity, kindness, generosity? All those concepts are almost marginalised. To this day I still don’t get this way of thinking. Go with the crowd. Lover are more like the latest intelligent phone. You are still a virgin at 16? What a loser! Just because some company whose name became well known says something, everyone magicaly agrees. Friends are chosen on how well they get drunk instead of their loyalty and so on… What the fuck is wrong with this way of thinking? Please tell me I’m not the only one who find this wrong!
The worst is that they are merciless with anyone who does not think like they do.
I’ve been diminished, ridiculed, harassed, bullied, frowned upon, stared at like I was some nasty thing that came out of the sewers and I could go on for a while. It has been like this to the point where I’ve lost trust in practicaly everything. Let’s be honest here, no one wants to grow up without friends. I was forced to put on a mask because I wasn’t pretty to anyone. If the mask wasn’t pretty enough, I changed it. I’ve got countless of them by now. “You’re weird.” I’ve suppresed myself, being told I wasn’t right for them. To this day I have only two friends I’ve known for 8 years who are only begining to discover who I really am, and that’s on the rarest of occasions where my reflexe of suppresing myself fail. To this day I haven’t found anyone I could love out of dire fear of revealing myself to anybody. I have so much mask that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t even tell how I would react to the most unimportant of events. I only have regrets of being born. I hate people. They tag others with the “freack” stamp. It saves them the effort of trying to understand. If the mask isn’t pretty enough for them, don’t bother.
There isn’t a day where I don’t wish a car would ram me into a wall. A quick end for a short life. I admit that I would rather be put into a coma. Even better, live in some anime or any T.V. show I like. I hate this reality and everyday is dead boring. You know what I’ve been loocking forward to?(And I can’t remember when I’ve been really loocking forward to something) Supposedly an economy study agency predicted a worldwide economical breackdown in around 2030. Call me twisted but I dearly hope this happen so this hate I have can be eased a bit.
Then again, I highly doubt it will ease it. Hate is what basicaly kept me alive so long.