He was taken away from me. In my last post I talked about a man that contacted me and saved my life. He is gone. Taken away from me when I need him the most. I don’t know what really happen all I know is that he is gone. I don’t even know what to do. I’ve been straight for awhile and now all i can do is stare at my blade. I’m trying so hard to keep going, but I don’t know if i can anymore. He’d want me to keep going. He’d want me to try right? I call his phone all the […]
Tag:
Matter Of Time
As the title suggests this will be only my second but final post… ive struggled with suicide, depression, anxiety, and anger for too long now. tonight is is the night I have nothing to stop me. I wish it was night already so I could get this over with cause i cant stand feeling this way any longer. got drunk and pissed my one and only friend off last night…for the bes that way she wont care about me passing…even if it does im done caring i told her several occasions that im no good for her…this will be practically a year from my last […]
My body…
As i lay i count the amount of scars on my body. My broken cut ridden scarred body…
I start counting, and only count what is still visible after months to years of time for the wounds to heal. My scars all have a story of their own, and all signify a problem, feeling of hopelessness and lost cause, emotionless, a perfect day in hiding.
I count 10…54…71… 84 well that’s it for those that are visible in my shorts and cut off T-shirt. Most of them aren’t visible and overlap so it’s impossible to get an accurate count of them the ones that i have […]
I have always been taught that patience is a virtue; that good things come to those who wait. I have lived on this Earth now for 18 years, I am still waiting.
My life so far has been… Gentle, in many ways. My familly are able to provide for me: I have food and a bed, I even have a little money of my own. They say that you can take a horse to water but that you cannot make him drink: though I have food I have no appetite, and though I have a bed I am rarely able to sleep. It seems to me […]
I guess I just need to write something. I’ve tried killing myself already but it didn’t work and I haven’t tried again since because it’s nearly time for finals and I don’t want to distract the person who stopped me. She still has a brilliant future waiting for her and I shouldn’t get in the way of that.
This morning is just harder than most. I felt good since Thursday but all of that is gone again. I woke up and just started crying while cursing myself for being such a useless idiot. I guess I knew it was just a matter of time before I […]
I realize that I got ahead of myself in the last post, left out some key points…. left out reasons why. At this point I sat down in class, this stuff I have not shared….I had enough of being a freak show for one day. I go to school with about 100 students…. I am the youngest there…. only a baby…. only 18. I moved away from my family to go to school. I wanted to be happy, I was free of the shadows and pressures that suffocated me day after day. I wasn’t happy, I never was. I didn’t know anyone, so I didn’t […]
It’s now only a matter of time, I’ve been contemplating the end for many years and at my 27th will be the time to go, it’s never been clearer. Working out sufficient ways is a daily schedule, every bridge I cross is considered, every pill I swallow is worked out to which quantity will be lethal, what side effects may be incurred along the way. I am at least content in the knowledge that I want to sleep my way out.
I don’t need to write the way I feel, thousands of times makes no difference, and I don’t need to go over them any longer. I simply […]
Another long one.
Seems like a good time to continue on with my confession. I ended the last post after I was caught. I injured myself for four years before my mom saw….. but then again you see what you want to see. My sister an I were always held to a higher standard than most kids. If we got a B on anything we were grounded. A’s were all my mom cared about. Nothing else. She got on to us for every little thing, making it a contest between the two of us. That is the main reason my sister and I started fighting. After […]
This is kind of long….
The longer I sit here the more I think about not posting this, returning to my dark corner of existence, but posting will relieve some of this pressure… I hope. I don’t know why I chose now to share my story, but then again maybe I do. For my degree I have to take a mandatory counseling class, and to pass the class we were made to stand in front of the entire class and tell about how screwed up our lives had been. Loss. Heartbreak. Rape. Molestation. Abuse. Suicide. We heard it all. Having to go through my own personal […]
I’m no longer intent on committing suicide. I’ve been told I can make a living will if I want! It’ss for me, but also to stop my grandparents from trying to destroy my family by arguements on account of the decisions I make in my life, especially where medicines and comfort level is concerned. Thanks, disability assesser! And thanks, apparently nice nurses, doctors and the rest of my lovely hospital staff now friends, who have somehow gotten me over my grief over the last procedure that my Nan successfully caused great discomfort from, by simply interfering with what the doctors wanted, subtly. And last week […]
I am only walking around and putting that smile on my face, I feel like I am torn apart, broken and can’t be fixed. I am doing my best too get by. Not a day goes by were I wish I could fade away and see if anyone would care. Honestly I think not that many people would even notice if I just faded away. Nothing is ever going too change I’ll always be the un-fixable girl. all alone here on the other end, I just do not want too keep going anymore you have too understand that if I do give up its not […]
I want to die, I wish I could find my pills and OD on them but I know how much it would hurt the ones who love and care about me. I am feeling very suicidal right now, but every time I reach for the pills I know how much it would hurt those who love me I just do not have enough energy too really keep going. Its only a matter of time before I’m gone <3
I’m 15 and I cant understand why I am alive.  Life just seems pointless, we live we get hurt we die. the end
is there something like a point to it ? I understand there’s happiness in live but is it really worth  all the pain we go through?
My heart has been broken so many times I don’t even know if there’s any of it left.  Everyone iv ever loved in my life has been
taken away from me some how, my step dad died of cancer and my mom was taken by drugs and my dad by alcohol . my sisters
following down the same path as my mother. I have a boyfriend who i care […]
i am a woman,but i feel like a child sometimes. im married with a child, i dont know want to have these thought because i love my family but i feel like shit. i dont know if im smiling or im just waiting for the end of the day i stay at home ive only had 1 job n been out off work for a while He works and goes to trade school…somedays i try i look online for work i clean but i just give up its like forever is a day and it comes everyday we’ve moved far away from my […]
Ive been thinking about it all day. Â I’ve realized it’s just a matter of time before my impulses get too bad and I attempt suicide again and fail again and lose everything and end up in a hospital again and ruin all my relationships. Â So I accept defeat. Â I’m going to plan this out and do it right so there is no going back.
That’s my biggest problem. I’ve made up my mind a long time ago that this is what i wanted but i still have no idea how i could end my life without too much physical pain. Physical pain is what keeps me away from suicide but i can only hope that it’s a matter of time before i find the miracle suicide method. My biggest fear is living for many more years in shame and regret because of my fear for physical pain. But sometimes i tell myself that the pain i feel inside is probably greater than any pain any suicide method would involve.There’s […]
So lastnight, i had a dream i hung myself, mabe its becuase ive made attemps already, and soon another, anyway.. i know thats how i will die, its just a matter of time, im thinking now what day i will try again.
i just would like to put it out there, i’m not looking for someone to play a violin, anyways, i hate being calm and collective and rational about being able to take my own life, emotion breaks through the surface every now and then, but i just put a bandaid over it, which will only last for so long, soon i’ll run out. I’ve been doing this my whole life. i’ve recently started seeing a psych, and as of today my psychologist has put me on LexaPro, i know it will not make a difference, not what i am, not the […]
As someone who’s survived 3 serious attempts I wish to say that I have no intention of making it through number four. I’ve finally arrived at the conclusion that I’m statistically supposed to be dead by now and it’s not something which makes me feel better. I’ve seen so much pain on my short tour here on Earth. Humanity does little to stoke my optimism, in fact it does the opposite. I’m a vet, I’m mentally unstable, I’m single, I’m unemployed for the fourth year running and I’m almost homeless (I already was for 3 years.) A close friend who I met while being homeless committed suicide via alcohol and prescription […]
Welcome, step inside my mind!
If you aren’t worried now, its a matter of time,
Till you break through the seal, and feel what i feel,
even then for you it will never be real.
My mental health? How bad could it be?
Well its hanging by threads! Im crazy you see?
Depression has me thinking of things that are vile,
I cut and i bruise and it makes me smile,
The pain I enjoy it, frightening enough,
And when I try to put the ones that I love,
first instead of myself,
It really makes me think…
Don’t do this they love you, try for them,
But my mind just continues to sink..
I needed help before this […]
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