watch me try to kill myself and then fail again and cost my family another $10k in medical bills because our insurance is shit and the u.s. healthcare system fucking sucks
Two lymph nodes popped up on my neck a week ago. I went to urgent care. They did an assessment on me and couldn’t really tell me what it was from. They asked me questions – like – did I feel sick, etc. No. I don’t feel sick. I don’t know what’s going on with this. I’ve been trying to be levelheaded about this. Yes, I have depression and have thoughts of suicide some times, but… I don’t actually want to die.
They couldn’t do any tests, because it’s just an urgent care clinic and they don’t have ultrasounds and stuff to biopsy it. Ugh.
I know that I shouldn’t think that it’s….. ya know…. but I can’t help it. I dread doctors. I’m healthy and have never really had any medical concerns all my life. Now this happens…
The doctor said it could be stress/anxiety induced too. But I’ve had anxiety/stress all my life, so how can that be the cause? I made an appointment for my doctor on the 17th… boo….
Constant chest tightness, shortness of breath, racing heartbeat…can’t tell if it’s psychosomatic or an actual developing medical problem. Yikes.
I’m on the edge right now. One of the few close friends I have, someone I considered my best friend, said that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore ever since I tried to kill myself back in December, because dealing with the depression is too much. Apparently I’m just too sad all the time and it’s bringing her down…
I’m so fucking tired of my depression ruining relationships. If this medical condition was diabetes or something like that, this never would happen. But these suicide thoughts are out of my control. At the end of the day, after she told me the truth of how she’s felt the past four months, all I could think about was killing myself. So I guess she’s right. At least one less casualty of friends I’ll hurt, right?
I am so hurt, I am at work right now trying not to cry, about to throw myself into another bender of coke and codeine and alcohol as soon as it hits Friday and I’m hoping that I don’t make it out of this one.
I killed a spider today, which makes me arachni-cidal.
If I don’t hurry up and get an oil change for my car pretty soon, I will also be automoti-cidal.
Ever have the vague feeling that someone has been fooling you and lying to you about something and manipulating you all this time, and you’re only now starting to realize the magnitude of it all? Yeah. Me too.
My double vision is getting worse, and when I drove home from symphony rehearsal Tuesday night, I could see two of every sign, and two white lines at the side of the road. At my last medical appointment, I explained this, and kind of freaked the doctor out when I calmly announced that there were two separate tops to her head. My MRI’s (both of them) are Thursday at 11:45. I hope they find out what’s going on in there. If the tumor has spontaneously dissolved, then we’re back to square one about the double vision and the increase in headaches and the memory lapses.
So if killing spiders makes me arachni-cidal, and neglecting my vehicle makes me potentially automoti-cidal… when I put clothes on, am I being nudi-cidal?
For some reason I just pictured a naked person riding a unicycle.
Be sure to sanitize the seat afterward.
I just Googled “Naked person on unicycle” and was surprised at how many things came up.
Er, I mean… how many STORIES came up.
- Police Arrest Naked Man Riding Unicycle
- Naked Unicyclist Arrested On Texas Bridge
- Naked Man On Unicycle Cited In Kemah
- (There’s more… just do the search.)
Because apparently you have to be naked AND on a unicycle to get attention these days.
If that’s not enough, you can always be naked AND on an extra tall unicycle AND juggling knives:
i was accepted to Stanford.
everyone is happy.
So why not me?
pressure pressure pressure
I don’t want to go to medical school.
I don’t want to live other people’s expectations, dreams, morals.
Heading towards Oregon and I’ve never felt so free.
Ive been suicidal my whole life.
All I wanted was freedom and it was waiting for me right outside my door this whole time.
I finally listened to my instincts and went against odds.
The only thing I want to say to people who are unhappy- is just to do what’s makes you happy on your our own means.
follow your instincts.
and so the adventure begins.
So i ended up in the hospital in January got out in February and im no longer suicidal unfortunately the only reason that is because of fear fear if i fail at an attempt ill get sent back and if i fail there’s a new worry my mother told me as well that if i end up in the hospital for more than a month then they’ll kick me off my ssdi that means ill have no medical insurance either and as much as I want to die i don’t want to risk failing and losing my medical insurance i need to get it right this time but i don’t know if I can
So…in a couple of hours I’m going to be seeing my GP for the first time in a verrrry long time. I’m on medication for high blood pressure because I’m overweight. Problem is I’m a lot heavier than the last time I saw him, so my BP is probably through the roof. He’ll be wanting to know why that is. How can I explain to him why I stuff myself with food when I still trying to figure it out myself! The real problem is that hubby insists on sitting in on these 10 minute slots with the doctor. Maybe I should say I want to go in by myself, but then I get accused of being secretive and he gets pissed off. Perhaps I should make a stand and go in by myself. I like my GP. When I’ve previously spoken to him about my depression, he referred my for counselling before handing me some pills. His attitude seems a lot different to most medical people who just seem to want to medicate people so they’re zombies. I think I could tell him about the failed suicide attempt last November and the fact I want to do it again (and know how to get it right this time). Part of me is really curious to see how he’d react. I don’t know though. I’m on auto-pilot these days when people ask how I am. I’m not sure I could be totally upfront with anyone anymore. Just too much effort to tell in order to be just brushed aside with a banal comment.
At least here I can say what I like and people understand. Hugs to all of you special people!
Lately I’ve been having medical issues. Serious, taxing, stressful medical issues. Issues that my mom, who works with a doctor, could clear up. She could tell me what the hell is going on but she chooses not to. I see a specialist tomorrow. Ever since I got my bloodwork results back, I’ve been stressed and anxious. Well, moreso than usual. These two things make it harder for me to focus, making my already difficult high school courses even harder. This quarter we talked about suicide in Health, and that’s the first time I’ve ever shown a serious emotion in school. I had a breakdown. I was crying and couldn’t talk without sobbing. I was freezing and felt dizzy and my knees were so shakey. Since then, my grades have dropped from straight As with a B every now and then, both test and overall grades. My last two tests in my Maths? 63%, 54%, and I’m pretty sure I just failed the test I took today. My overall grade is 72%, and my grading quarter cut off is in 2 days. My mom has always expected the best from me, moreso than my sister. I brought home a C on a test in 7th grade and she hit me. When I told her today, just now, that my grades will be bad this quarter, she screamed at me. She doesn’t understand how stressed I am. Between the inability to focus, how difficult the courses are lately, and all this medical stuff, I’m drowning. I’m forgetful, and plannars never worked for me, making homework a task for me. This seems so overdramatic, but coming from a girl whose family expects everything from her. This is my life. My mom wants the exact opposite for me as she had for herself. She was kicked out at 16, and dropped out to start working so she could afford an apartment. Which is why she expects so much from me. So much that I can’t keep up. We’ve never had a good relationship, and I’ve tried to open up to her before, but it always turns out bad. She either yells or changes the subject or mocks me or dismisses it. And she will never know I’ve had suicidal thoughts. Right now it looks better than ever. Just to swallow a handful of pills and hope to die by morning. Because who would care if I just dropped dead? Sure my family would, and my very few friends. But nobody would have ever seen it coming. And I wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt. Because I’d finally just be rid of all of my stress and worry.
This year is especially hard for me. I’m separated, no close family, no close friends, new medical issues, no job, no kids, no pets… No one to be with through the holidays.
I see post after post on Facebook of people with either friends and/or family. All i want to do is cry!
I’m in so much pain physically and emotionally, i just want it to stop!
think… feel… know I’m worthless. This feeling of worthlessness does not solely originate from external factors. I’m a lazy sonofva, an unmotivated fool, a academically inept, and pretty much a waste of space of a human being. Those are some the sources of my pitiful wanting to end it all. However, as weird as it may sound, when I “tried” to actually “end it”, at the moment of knowing it will all be over, I felt joy, relief, and “not” depressed. Obviously I am still alive evidenced by me typing and sharing this and also I’m not in a hospital or any medical institution. I’m not injured in such a way that the people in this house will be alarmed. My method I will not disclose.
After a few breaths, a break, I analyzed why I didn’t “retry”. Why I felt happy. Why I felt I can endure another round with this farce called life. Its actually very simple I now possess this knowledge, this power, this control of my life.
When it comes to cutting, since ive seen a lot of posts about it lately. Assuming not cutting in anyway that would require medical attention (basically a suicide attempt) is it really all that bad? I myself use it as a coping method, i know its not entirely preferable and i try not to if i can avoid it but i feel like its really no different than lighting up a cigarette. Or any other destresser bad habit.
Though i am curious about those who use it as a way to grab attention. I kinda dont get it unless its a silent cry for help kinda thing. Its like even though cutting is my stress relief i know some people are still not gonna understand that so i still have the issue of covering up the marks until theyre somewhat faded. I would think most would want to keep the marks covered up less it lead to other problems.
I know I’m usually a rambler so I’ll keep this brief. After ages of debating, of hoping, of begging, I’ve decided to give up. I don’t feel like there’s anything good about me, I feel as if I’ll never be loved or supported and I’ll never achieve anything that I want. I’ve spent the past 19 years trying to feel happy. Thanks for being kind to me in my brief time here. I intend to shoot myself tomorrow morning, when everyone in my family is gone. I’ll make sure no one, but a cop or medical personnel finds me, so won’t worry about that.
I hate everything about my body. I wish I could afford all the cosmetic surgery necessary to fix it. I wish there was some kind of medical procedure available so I could remove my mind and put it in a body that isn’t hideous. I know I’m genetically inferior because everything about me is horrible. Someone told me once that I look like a certain celebrity, it was not flattering, and after I realized how ugly everyone else thinks I am I wanted to put a gun in my mouth and die.
I’m back to the knife
not the sharp ones I’m used to
don’t want to cut too deep
but can’t seem to cut deep enough
can’t draw blood
too afrad to relapse
needing medical attention
having people worry
seeing the pain in their eyes
but I want to draw blood
not too much
just a little
but I can’t seem to do it
all I make are red marks on my arm
like scratches from a stick
Just found this site and I need to rant. I’m a 19 year old male and I have nothing to live for. My close friends have left the state so I have pretty much no one anymore. I just lost another girl. Another girl who was raped. I’ve only had two girlfriends. The first ones brother raped her and took her virginity and she FORGAVE him. I’ll never understand how victims let that go. My cousin and my mom were also raped, so you could say it’s something I take seriously. I want them dead. But when I tell these girls that, somehow I’m overreacting. So aside from that my dream has always been to join the army as a combat infantryman. But due to recent medical problems I won’t ever be able to do that. So I’m stuck in a town I’ve ALWAYS hated with more and more people who don’t deserve to breathe with a dead end job all while being alone. I’ve held my glock to me head countless times but even fall down drunk I don’t have it in me to do it.
I’ve never wanted to kill myself more in my life.
I just feel like a giant roadblock in everyone’s way. My stress is tearing my body apart and we can’t afford insurance for medical care so that’s just another burden on my family. I feel like a waste of life and space and money and energy. I want to disappear. Run away. Die.
Just be out of the lives and out of the way of the ones I love.
After all, they’re going places and I’m not. I’m just dead weight.
I want to die and the option i have chosen is cutting vein of wrist… I have gone through all advices. But i just want suggestions for some painkillers to avoid the pain after cuts. Actually i cant see blood, and if its with pain then i am sure i will fail. I am 21 years old girl. Please give me suggeations and list of drugs which will easily available in medical.
And do anyone knoe what it advil/avil.. I think its a drug; overdose of which will cause death. Please give information about this also. Do fast as i habe just 10-12 hours left.
Everyone tells me that I had no choice, and that it wasn’t my fault. They said I did a lot more than what most would do. But I don’t feel that way, because I took her there. I am fully responsible for her death. I am to blame. It was my fault. I was supposed to take care of her, but instead, I sent her away. She died because of me.
It was horrible and heartbreaking why they decided to put her down. It shattered me.
I was going back for her, I couldn’t stand it that she was there. I was waiting for her to get her second medical. I called every day to make sure she was okay. I talked to 3 people. I emailed them, asking them to please watch over her. I was assured that her status was that she was still waiting to be seen by second medical. It was Monday when I spoke to someone last. He told me to rest assure that she is relaxing in her cage with toys, water and food, and waiting for second medical. I didn’t call on Tuesday because I needed a break from calling every day.. I was upset and emotional every time I called. Wednesday night, I came home from being away for the day and received an email that they had euthanized her. I was in shock. I thought she was still waiting to get a second medical evaluation as they had told me. It happened without warning. But I should not have trusted them. I was fooling myself.
I had prayed on Tuesday night asking God to please watch over her. I don’t believe in God but I didn’t care. I prayed anyway. I pleaded. She died on Wednesday.
I took her there. I killed her.
I am overwhelmed with grief and guilt. I am so deeply, deeply sorry. But even with my sorries, I cannot express the grief that I am feeling.
Animals are so vulnerable, they really, really are. Their lives are in our hands. It is up to us to care for them. She paid for my incompetence with her death.
After she died, I did not eat much for 2 days. Just ate two bananas each night. I didn’t really care, I had no appetite. I do not feel I deserve food. I only feel I deserve to die. An eye for an eye. I cannot really explain these feelings, but it is how I feel. I don’t expect anyone to understand. I feel I need to be physically punished for this at the very, very least. I feel I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve joy or laughter. I deserve nothing.
All I see is her pretty little face looking up at me as I left her there. It haunts me every day. I have sobbed every day but it does not take away the pain.
I wanted to hold her in my arms before I left but she was tense and didn’t want to move. I never got to hold her one last time. I shouldn’t have left her there.
All I see now is her little face looking up at me while I was saying goodbye. I didn’t want to leave her, I just didn’t know what to do. She was a sweet girl and she didn’t deserve to die like that. She did not get the love she deserved before she died. She made messes everywhere and I was angry at her, I shooed her away.
She would come up to me when I am on the toilet and I would put her between my legs by my knees and sway her back and forth. She would meow. That was our little thing. I loved her, I did. I wish I valued her so much more but now it is too late.
She died in a place she did not know. For 5 days she was caged before they put her to death and I don’t care if there was a fucking toy in her cage- that may have also been a lie. She spent her last days on earth stressed and scared and lost without her family. She was taken away from her home. She didn’t know where she was. My heart can’t stand it when I think of this. She died and her body was tossed into the incinerator with many other carcasses. My heart truly cannot bear when I think of this. These are the thoughts that run in my head constantly.
I don’t even have her ashes. There is nothing. She deserved so much more than what has happened to her. I don’t know how to deal with this.
I ate last night and tonight, but have decided not to eat much food anymore, to eat the bare minimum. I feel very good about this decision. Either that or take a razor to my leg. I’ve only done that twice when I was really young.