i turned fourteen ten days ago.
sometimes, i feel like i’m dead already.
life, is dead already.
i don’t feel fully alive, sometimes.
each and everyday is a part of my history, a history that will be with me forever. unfortunately, i know that forever, i am going to look back on these years of my life and all i’m going to see will be an ugly kid with mental illnesses and no friends, just, wasting her life away. i want my history, i want my past, present, and future, to be happy, i want to do something worthwhile rather than just doing this wasting. uhm, yeah… this is not really what i imagined my life would be like.
hm. i love when my kitten lays and cuddles with me. i love my kitten and i love cuddles with him.
the sky looked nice tonight. i saw the moon for the first time in a while. there were a few stars. the shade of blue was difficult to describe, it was deep, but, not black. like… navy, maybe. it made me feel some type of way.
well, unfortunately, not a single soul truly cares about me. i need to understand that. that the only one who cares about me, is me.
hey. today is friday the 13th. but, it doesn’t make much of a difference, since all days of life for me hold a significant amount of bad luck and misfortune.
how the hell is it already april?
i’m so scared.
hey, well… oh, i saw my mum and two of my brothers two days ago. i last saw them in december. they’re all seriously beautiful, especially my brothers. my mum’s average looking, but whatever. i had a fun time, even if it wasn’t for long.
my life is like broken glass.
even though i’m an awkward introvert with social anxiety, i miss people. i miss being around people.
i’ve come to realise i’ve never really had a true friend, so, i can’t say i miss having friends. i don’t really know what it’s like to have friends. the idea doesn’t appeal to me much anymore. maybe, i miss the idea of them. the idea of a boyfriend is more appealing, which is weird, i know.
the idea of having someone i can expose myself to, and let them truly know me like no one else knows me, is bittersweet to me. it must be so… amazing, to love someone and have them love you back. all of you, all the bits and pieces you choose to expose to them and the bits that they discover themselves anyway. but, i’ve never had that, and it looks like i never will have that, which is the bitter part.
i’m the only person who knows me. who knows me inside out. and, that’s sad to me. if anything ever happened to me, no one would know the real me. i want to have people in my life who deserve to know the real me. i want to have people, or just one person, in my life that we can expose all aspects of ourselves to eachother, that we can love eachother so deeply, that we can rely on eachother no matter what.
i’m not just lonely, i’m alone. i’m so alone, and, i don’t want to be alone anymore. people need people. i need people.
well, the truth is, i’m all alone in this world.
i’m not sure why, but i have this weird feeling that i won’t grow to be old. i mean, i can’t imagine myself living until i’m, what, ninety?
i ate a fortune cookie. the fortune read,
‘if you would have managed your plans properly, it would not have caused chaos.’
ironic, right? as, it hits pretty close to home.
my ocd is at an all time high, and i have no idea what to do about it — please help?