this is my first post.
i struggle with anxiety and major depression.
i’m not sure how to cope with anything. my parents misraised me and i have no friends.
everyone hates me and bullies me and thinks i should just kill myself, so why the fuck shouldn’t i..
all of my ex boyfriends said i was worthless and should.. so.. yeah..
nothing’s alright. i constantly feel the need to cut myself.
i constantly feel the need to tie a noose and hang myself.
i constantly feel the need to die. i’ve lost everything.
i don’t have a family, i don’t have friends.
my parents gave me up 7 months ago and made it official on fathers day.
people throw my stuff away at school, i’m called ugly, fat, stupid, dumb, slutty, whore, people shove me in the halls and threaten to pull out my extensions i wear to feel pretty..
people say i look like a zombie on meth.. i’ve thought about turning towards harder drugs..
i don’t care about myself honestly.
i know no one who reads this honestly really ACTUALLY cares about what i have to say.
my parents hit me, they never cared about me.
when i was 4 or 5 i tried to run away and was already trying to kill myself.
my mom had to nail the 2 story window shut because i was always up there thinking about jumping out..
they never listened to me, michael poured hot coffee on me and my brother.
he stood on us til we cried while “play-fighting”.
mike told me one day, not mad at all, he said we needed to talk and sat me down in my room and said, “if you commit suicide, i will have you cremated and i’ll throw the ashes into the nearest dumpster i fucking see.”
i lost the one i loved to my ex-bestfriend.
life just sucks man.
i have no money, no job, no car, no place of my own, i have literally nothing. i have one pair of pants for crying out fucking loud.
i just. wanna fucking end it.
i just wanna be fucking happy.
When I was nine my stepdad started drug dealing. The people that he would sell to were either junkies off the street or very powerful people. To help his buisness he would strap me down to a chair and test the drugs out on me in front of his clients and when he bought off of some one. He sold crack, oxicotten, pain killer, meth, weed pretty much any drug you could think of. I dont know how he gets it all i know is ive been the test dummy for 5 years.
I’ve read a few stories of sexual abuses, and I can relate. I guess that’s a round about way of putting it. After finding myself with no place to live at eighteen, I joined the Marines. After boot camp, I married my high school sweetheart, who then had an affair with my neighbor while I was at work. Shortly after discovering that, while working through a law suit, I had to then work through no pay due for three months… Begging charities to put food on the table for my wife who was sleeping around behind my back.
I meet a new woman, who’s the love of my life. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted, someone I could respect and trust. Shortly after us marrying, she convinces me to leave the military, and we move to a home away from both of our families. It just so turns out that not only is the area economically depressed, it’s also known for prison releases and meth. To top it off, the love of my life, the woman who had been holding me together through diagnosed major anxiety and depression told me that she no longer loved me, and left. So now I am here alone, with no family, no friends, no wife, mental issues bordering on uncontrollable at times, and a trusty sidearm, good rope.
I told my second wife that I’d never love anyone else after her, that she had my last capacity for love. I guess I just didn’t understand at the time by what means I was willing to keep that promise. Wasted youth. Twenty four and down the tube.
I’ve been fucking on and off depressed for fucking 3 fucking years maybe now. Fuck I know im fucking swearing a fucking lot. The fucking bull fucking shit thing is I hadn’t sworn for fucking 8 months until now im fucking exploding. I fucking hit my boiling fucking point. Fuck life. Only fucking thing I care about is my Dog. Fuck people. Fuck everyone. Fuck peoples fucking fucking shitty fucking bullfucking shit fuck opinions. Why can fucking fuckers just shut the fuck up and keep there fucking mouth shut. Fucking FUCK.
I’m going to try to refrain my swearing from now on although it’s still completely in my system. Im typing from the heart here im not even pausing and thinking of what to write, who cares. Ive been through a lot in my life and fuck, my problems I always go out of way my way to fix them. They say go the extra mile, I went 30 extra fucking miles, they say give it 110%, I gave it fucking 2000%. I fucking changed my whole life around to try to fix these problems, and at times, the problems were gone. But fuck, after 1.5 years of working on these problems, I had them fucking GONE. Suddenly, now they’re fucking back. Fuck, do you really get what you put in? I always thought this shit, mayeb its’ true, maybe its fucking not. They say what you go through makes you a stronger person, fuck it, I just want to be happy. Fuck I gotta do shoot some meth up my fucking veins? I cant deal with reality anymore. FUCK.
I thought my life was on the right track fuck. I believe in Karma. For the past 2 years all ive been madly focusing on becoming a great, kind, person to people in general. Fuck I dn’t judge no one, I love fucking nature, I’m very spiritual… and fuck I didn’t fuckign swear durnig this time lapse obviously until fucking now. So why is this fucking happening to me? I know the world doesn’t revolve around my ass, the world doesn’t fucking care about me, I get that. But fuck I always thought you get what you put in. But all I see is fucking dicks and fucking douche bags the happiest people alive, fuckin shit. Fucking judgemental mother fuckers. Fuck them all mother fuckers. FUCK YALL EAT A FAT DICK WITH THE FUCKING MONSTER YOU FUCKINGS PRICKS.
I know im basically just ranting on, maybe this will help get some bullshit out of my system. Maybe slighlty. But I dont fucking think I can ever be happy again just because of all this FUCK. I see there is a rant category on the side and I fucking thank the makers of this site because most sites dont accept rants. But FUCK sometimes we need to FUCKING RANT AND FUCKKKK ALL.
I can honestly say that if I went missing no one woudl give a fuck for more thn a week. You know if that random kid at your school goes missing, never shows up, people seem to “care” for about a week? Then after that, it’s who fucking cares to these people? Fucking shit.
Ive had sucididal thoughts in the past but fuck right now I’d rather just iso-fucking-late myself from people. I cant fucking take them no more. Cant fucking be around them. I know im human my self and fuck I hate being alive too a lot of the times.
But FUCK I know how it FEELS to be FUCKING HAPPY. AND I FUCKING SAID THIS 1 YEAR AGO WHEN I WAS FUCKING DYING INSIDE TOO. AND I GOT KIND OF HAPPY, BUT FUCK EVERYTHING JUST VANISHED… AND ILL IVE BEEN DOING IS FUCKING BEING A GOOD PERSON ALTHOUGHT I GURANTEE I SOND LIKE A FUCKNIG PRICK ON HERE. I FUCKING GET THAT. But this isnt who I fucking am. I am not some fucking pirck ass curses ***** fucking judger. Fucking not fucking me FUCK.
Just want to fucking run away, come back in 3 months, see how things are. But I dont fucking know what to do. I was doing fucking amazing in school at the begging of the semester, now IM slippping complteley. And who fucking cares? Not me. Fuck I want to drop out of high school, fuck it. Fuck it, Fuck it, FUCK IT. All those FUCKERS kill me inisde, some douche fuckers, and even some fucking teacher assistants. Fucking FUCK. FUCKKKK.
Maybe Ill be better tomoorw, but I doubt that. For the past 4 days, too much SHIT has happened to me. But today, oh today… this is where this came from. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCKKKKKKKKK FUCKKK. WHY CANT I JUST BE HAPPY FUCKKK!!!
I JUST WANT TO LOVE MY FUCKING SELF! WHY CANT I DO THAT. I DONT CARE ABOUT FUCKING FRIENDS, ALL MY GOOD FREINDS FUCKING LEFT ME FOR SOME BULLSHIT. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT FRIENDS NOW. FUCK. IM FUCKING DONE FOR NOW> FUCK.
ps; sorry for so much swearing this came from my heart i was typing non stop.
I’m not really wanted here at my home, my town, or my school. People even say it to me. Everyone seems to be strait up with me. Like “No one even likes you here, just leave already.” “If you take all of your medication and die no one would even care.” I mean like, I ignore them. But I can see why they don’t like me, I don’t even like me. Haha. I’m ugly, I’m too quiet, I never talk, I’m weird, I stare too much, I try to be smart in school (but get judged for it), my whole life revolves around my dead dog. Like I’m a total freak! Anyways, last night was another big freight train. Literally, a whole post was about me, a couple people actually backed me up. But others just made fun of me and told me to kill myself (of course). I’m basically used to all of this now. My normal days consist of: Waking up, getting yelled at for being late because I couldn’t wake up (insomnia), going to school, having everyone give me a dirty look, have a couple say a few mean things, get yelled at and embarrassed in class, go home, lay in bed, cry my eyes out for about 20 mins, try to find whatever is sharp enough to pierce through my skin (since my parents took away everything I had to harm myself), cut myself, take some pills and pass out. My family doesn’t talk to me much, when they do they always yell and me and call me some mean names, my brother abuses me so I try not to go outside my room much. This town is just full of a bunch of stuck up preppy bitches, and meth heads. Everyone here is judgmental and they don’t care about anyone, but themselves. Oh here I go blabbing on and on and on, I’m really just wanting to express my feelings here. Anyways I’ll continue, well I’m only 15, diagnosed with depression, schizophrenia, and bi-polar. It has tooken over my life, I’m trying to get better. Ive been to counseling, therapy, mental hostpitals, and rehab; it’s all a joke. None of it actually works. My medication calms me down a bit, but not much. I don’t want to be selfish and just take my life away just like that, even though that’s what it might come to I if I don’t change soon. My first attempt at suicide was when my bestfriend passed away last year. She was my everything, I looked forward to her everyday, to hug her, kiss her, snuggle with her, and just tell her I love her more than anything. She was 14, she was my twin (even though she’s a dog, we were still born the same day, year, an hour.) I basically took pain killers, started throwing up uncontrollably, and was carried away to the hostpital, got my stomach pumped, sent to a mental institute. After that, everyone knew the real me. Everyday day I have a fake smile on my face so people won’t bother me, everyday I feel like I’m suffering. I know there’s more out there that have worse life’s, but it’s just so hard not to tell everyone what’s going on. I mean like I don’t want to bottle it all up. Please help me.
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I’ve never done this before but I need someone who understands me to talk to. Let me start by describing myself a little bit. So I’m a 25yo woman (kid at heart). I’m told by most I look like I should be a model (I don’t see it). I have an awsome personality very down to earth open minded and supportive to others and have a lot of knowledge about life do to my own exploring. I have no kids but the best dog in the world that I would take a bullet for and a man of 6 years. But ever since I can remember I WANT TO DIE! I’ve always hated living. I feel like my existance was a waste for someone who wants it. I’ve cried everyday since I was about 10. Meds didn’t help therapy was a waste of money. I wasn’t molested but I was so fed up with life by 13 I became a girl that drank a fifth a day. A month after turning 14 lost my viginity and a month after that was as usual drinking decided to try to have sex for the 2nd time and it hurt so I said sorry but I have to stop and the asshole did as he pleased anyway. So I began drinking more and mixing with every drug I could-pills,weed,coke,meth,extacy,shrooms ect. Then was date raped a few months later by an aquantince. I just really don’t want to live. Every day I wake up wondering what bullshit is gonna hit me today? I’ve tried to kill myself 3 times by taking ungodly amounts of pills and have always waken about 3-4 days later. So I’m going to do a ******** SUICIDE BAG. Does any one know how I’m feeling??? I dont want to hear any If I Were You bs. No god shit.
Im sure I sound like a million different ppl u all have heard but, SUICIDE IS NEVER THE WAY!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE READ MY STORY AND I HOPE IT CAN HELP AT LEAST ONE PERSON. I came home from the hospital about 3 hours ago and it starts like this…. I an 23 years old/female and have struggled with depression and anxiety from the age of 12. I was sexually abused as a child by multipule family members including my own father. i have always struggled with my identity and feeling that others didnt love me and i never loved myself very much either. I have gone thru many drug addictions since about the age of 17. Cocaine, xanax, alcohol, meth, and the most recent, heroin which i did for about a year and have been clean 7 weeks now. So Wed night i drank almost a whole bottle of wine (alcohol and i have never gotten along well) and got into a horrible fight with my mother and step father, who i live with since breaking up with my year long bf 7 weeks ago. I tried calling ALL my friends to come get before things got worse but no one could come not even my best friend and i felt crushed! So my mother ended up slapping me (which i deserved) and my step father threw me out of the house. this was about 3am. since no one would come get me, i just walked and walked until about 7am. while walking i was on a main road and went across a highway overpass, i just sat there looking down thinking how sorry my parents would be for being mean to me if i just jumped. didnt do it. went home showered and slept until about 1230 pm. my mothe woke me up by coming in my room and throwing a box of trash bags on the floor and saying “heres your luggage pack your **** and get out of my house”. my step dad was at work and my mother and i had an all out screaming competition. i felt like she didnt love me anymore and told her that i wanted to die. i went in the bathroom and took about 15-20 tylonal pm, thinking it would be the best way to go. my mother called a suicide hotline and tried to get me to talk to the woman, i didnt want to. she called my gma who means soooo much to me, i told gma i didnt want to live anymore and that i loved her and then hung up. last she called my step dad who told me i need to get out and be in the sun and take a walk and just try to see the beauty in life, i told him i loved him and hung up. right then i started feeling the effects of the tylonal. my tongue and fingers wents numb and i felt like i might pass out. i guess at that point i realized i was just doing for attention and didnt actually want to die. i went into a panic, making myself throw up thinking that would make it all better. then i told my mother waht i did and asked her to please call an ambulance bc i think im going to die, she said “well isnt that what u wanted”.Â fucked up right? so she told me to keep making myself throw up and i did until i wasnt throwin up the blueÂ shit anymore but i knew i might still die if i didnt go to the hospital. so i begged her to call 911. i met a police man downstairs, told him what happened and he said “your 23 girl, u got ur whole life ahead of you” i asked him if i was going to be ok, he said i would. when i got in the ambulance tho, they were not so reasurring. the man told me i could have severe permanent liver damage and said he didnt know if i would be ok. the woman said i could die in two weeks from the damage. they did not know if i was going to be ok. i chug charcole on the way to the hospital. get there and they hook me up with IVs. i dont remember everything they did but i layed with my eyes closed after everyone left me alone( i went to the hospital alone and didnt know if i would ever get to see my mother again) i felt awful for the way i had treated her and just wanted her there to tell her i was sorry. i dosed off for a few minutes and woke up to a touch on my arm, it was my mom. i told her i was so so sorry through a waterfall of tears and she said she was sorry too. she stayed with me the rest of the time i was there which was about 3 days. during my stay at the hospital i had alot of time to think, and this was the second time in 1 1/2 yrs being hospitalized for a suicide attempt, and all i could think about was how much i would be hurting all the ppl who loved me that i would leave behind. and I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE, THERE IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU!!! IF YOU DONT THINK ANYONE DOES, GUESS WHAT? I LOVE YOU!!!! Bc i know exactly how you feel!!! and trust me there is always a light after the dark. no u may not be happy every single day but without sadness we would not know what happy is. and ur life will not always be perfect bc no ones life is perfect, i dont care how rich, beautiful, or famous u are, everyone hasÂ shitty days. i have a completley new look on life now and i cannot wait to make the best of it!! i start a new job on tues and plan to go to school to become a nurse so i can share my love with ppl who are sick, physically and mentally. i have never been a stronge believer in god or anything like that but i believe this was his plan for me. and just know he puts you through these hard times bc he knows that you are stronge. So if u feel like you want to die just please please reconsider and think not about hurting yourself but who else u will hurt. like i said you are stronge so do not take the easy way out. live a life to help others, jst do whatever you have to do to feel better please!!! If anyone ever needs to talk please please contact me on here and i will do WHATEVER i can to help you!! and just know that god loves you and so do i!!!!!!! *BIG HUGS*
I have been on this earth just short of 22 years and already I have tried to leave three times. The people that know this all tell me that it’s a good thing, maybe its “ment” to be that I am here. I really don’t think that at all. I really just think that I have not been smart enough this whole time, that I need to make sure it happens for real this time. Yeah sure I have some schooling and people say they like me, but that’s not enough. I don’t like myself. I don’t like where I came from, entire family addicted to Meth, and I certainly don’t like the start it has given me. I see all of these people my age who come from wealthy or stable families who don’t have to worry about buying their own car or worrying about rent or worrying about how they are going to balance bills and school. Instead they all are able to go to school worry free. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be good enough to finish school or even do anything. Even when I recieved my certification I still didn’t and don’t believe I am good enough to work under that certification. I live in a garage, with my boyfriend who I don’t feel even cares about me. I feel stuck with him sometimes. I can’t afford anything on my own and we just bought a car together. If I left this earth I believe I would feel so much better.
I am, aren’t I? I am going mad.
How am I feeling?
Absolutely, positively, maddeningly sad.
I went to the gas station by my house instead of having dinner, and spent the whole time asking myself a never-ending string of what if’s? Â What if all of this is a waste? What if everything is irrational? What if? What if? What if?
When they say “It’s sink or swim”, What if you just get the fuck out of the water?
So in depression is it really sink or swim? Â You can drown in depression, or struggle to swim away… Unless you get the fuck out. Take a pill or something. If you are addicted to drugs, do you keep taking the drug, and eventually die of it (OD, drug deal gone wrong, someone “accidentally” gives you arsenic instead of meth? I don’t know) or try to get better? When you swim, you are still in theÂ situation, not escaping, just coping. That’s my theory. Maybe I’m crazy. I probably am…
I spent an hour squeaking at a live stream of Matt Smith, Kathrine Gillan, and Arthur Darvill… AKA, The eleventh doctor, and his companions, Amy Pond and Rory the Roman. And I am past 24 hours without sleep. I think I am going insane. I already went insane in my opinion. People ask me why I’m so obsessed with things like Doctor Who or Harry Potter or Torchwood, or several other books. The real reason? They were and will continue to be there for me when no one else is.
Its a long list dedicated to the people who ruined Â any chance of happiness for me..
To the Â guy who raped me at a party where i drank to much then denied it, then continued to harass me and put me in situations where im just as vulnerable.
To the guy who i dated for 2 years, told everything to, then who told everyone.
To the girl who fed my addiction, taught me about cutting, bought me a razor, and ever since the first time i’ve did it, i’ve done it every single night since.
To the ex best friend who left me in my most desperate state.
To my aunt, for teaching me how to binge and purge, being there when i first did it.
To my stepdad, the most controlling bastard who will never be my dad.
To the girl i first fell for, and am still falling for, who let me down as hard as possible.
To my uncle, for inappropriately touching me in 2nd grade.
But mostly, Â to my actual dad. For abandoning me for meth when i was only 3 Â years old. visiting when i was 7, raping me then. disappearing. All for drugs.
But also to myself. For allowing this to all happen. For never saying anything. For wanting help, but never knowing how to get it. For destroying my arms and hips and legs with a razor. For almost overdosing, leaving my younger sister to find me. For everything. I blame it all on me. I couldve done something right?
Wow, its been a long 35 years. This story started along time before I was born. Lets start with a US Marine who had one too many tours in vietnam, my mothers stepfather( my spelling is really bad sorry) Not sure if it ws the war or just an inate evil, the man that is still alive, did horrible things to my mother and my aunt. My mother and father were married in in the early 70s thing were great for both of them until 1980, my dad recked his truck on the way homefrom work, broke his neck, never walked again, full quad, they both started drinking an doing drugs. because of the drugs and booze I ended up taking care of my faher when I was 6. Nothing like wipping your dads ass when you are 6 years old. Mom would break down just about every night and tell me how her stepp father would rape her and her sister! when they were tweaking on meth I was realy oblivious, no idea why they were acting so weird. At one point we lived in a “drug house” with 3 other families, had to fight for food. This went on for several years, thenwe moved to oregon “to get away from drugs” things just got worse. Mom became really depressed and when I was 18 she shot herself in the heart with a hunting rifle. Worst day of my life. It’s been almost 17 years since then, my dad OD’ed a few years later, I’m in the military now, its been a long time I have 2 kidds and a wife that loves me, and lots of friends, no one to talk to. So alone So alone, doing well in my career, I dont have any complaints other than not having anyone to talk to.
When people use alcohol, marijuana, heroin, cocaine, (lean/sizzurp/codeine/etc), meth, and prescriptions to cope they are put in rehab centers or jail to stop their actions.Â (Yes the obvious is that most of those are illegal).Â They are told they should be sober and rational to decide how to live their lives.
Yet if one has soberly and rationally decided to end one’s life because one is tired of going through things, then one is told that they have a ‘mental issue’ and need a bevy of prescribed drugs to set them right.Â Many no safer on the body in the long term than illegal drugs and alcohol.Â And many times these drugs are switched around for most of the person’s life so they can keep ‘surviving’.
Because for some reason being able to endure and suffer is the de facto ‘rational’ way to be according to most of society everywhere. Obviously according to them no matter what happens to a person life is ALWAYS worth living.Â Â I wonder if Christopher Reeve (RIP) felt that way being paralyzed the way he did.Â Wish I could have got him somewhere private and asked him.
My friend Robert had what would seem to be the ‘perfect life’ according to people outside himself.yet he was tired of living. Tired of grinding. Tired of having to be concerned for others. Tired of just the intricacies of daily life. And he decided to leave. There are those that would say Rob was obviously disturbed.Â But if you spoke to Rob and knew him then one knows he was of sound mind.Â He just felt like there was no point anymore.Â I should have left with him.Â We hung out and gamed/movied/musiced for a whole weekend a few days before he left.
Why is one called a criminal when one kills another but crazy when one wants to kill themselves?Â Murdering others is accepted as a bad decision but the choice to murder oneself is always a matter of brain malfunction.Â Except for serial killers and they get listed as crazy as well because it is multiple people.
Yet a dude who kills his ex girlfriend because she dumped him, or a woman who kills her husband because of his infidelity are not crazy at all.Â Because they would not have done so under ‘normal’ circumstances.Â Yet the mental health community medicates and locks up people who want to leave or die because they have been victims of rape, molestation, abuse, bullying etc.
I’d say those who kill others are the real insane people.Â Because they are too undisciplined to control their anger enough not to harm someone else. They get angry and decide they should take another’s life.Â Therapy and drugs should be given to them as well so they can get their minds right.
hi there im lily. im the age of under 18. if your on here just cuz your bored or you actually wanna know, w/e i dont really care if your willing to listen then great! cuz id like you to know my story…
my life was and still slightly is wrapped up in lies. it was taking everything over. it wasÂ making me into something i wasnt and getting me into alot of trouble. it was getting me down that everything i talked about wasnt real. i was getting sick of it.
then theres alan. hes now my ex but was my SPD (sadistic personality disorder) boyfriend. who was very abusive. hit me, kicked me, cut me, sexually harrassed me, threatened… he was ruining my life. even when we broke up it still continued. worse, i deleted all contact info with him so my parents at first didnt believe me. it caused me PTSD. and made me feel so bad
next, the friends. 4 friends of mine have died. 1 even killed herself when i was in the house. another close one accidently ODed on meth. i miss them all so much and pine for them alot. then theres my 2 closest friends who are really depressed and 10 other close friends who are messed up somehow. for some, im the only thing keeping them around. for others, ive saved there lives. people were always trying to force me to dump the messed up friends for new ones. i didnt. i couldnt
i got really depressed, tried killing myself. not successful.Â so when my parents were away. the person looking after us found out and all hell broke lose. she even hit me and yelled at me telling me i had no reason to be depressed and all. parents came home and got me help. i dont wanna die so much anymore. glad my lifes sorta looking up. we shall see, we shall see…
I thought i could trust them
Thought they were my friend.
My broken soul that trembles as i wake
My parents who left me to die alone
I may struggle but no one helps me
I fall deep under my shattered blood
trust me alone with the knives left…
Left on the counter
i walk slowly over to them
My hands shaking
I can’t do it all alone
The pain to keep my arms held up.
The pain to live alone with
No one who loves me not at all
my bitter mind shuts the harsh cold world out
The keys to my broken soul is lost
People can’t understand when i fall unto my …
my floor with no breath left
he is like the meth i use to stay awake
I might die
but its greater than being without you
My eyes reflect the past i can’t remember
you said Good-Bye
My crushed hopes that lie within the floor
The knives i hold to stay alive
I hurt the one i love with out trying
I love him although he ruined my life
I’m still here but alone
Silly fools that trust me
Â with the knives right there
no one cares.