I hate Life. I hate living. I have lived for so ling and i have yet to find someone that wasn’t “Living the life of kings” Or worshiping the devil with fucing YCMB or whatever those fucking dumbasses call it. Secretly i hunger to find someone like me. Not into those kinds of shit. Anti social, easy to talk to.. Someone i can hug when we both feel sad and want to kill ourselves. Im not sure if this person even exists.. Every girl goes for the alpha these day and not beta fucks like me.. Just today i went to the super marked and i saw exactly what i Was the opposite to.. I cried. I have tried a million times to tell my self tat id never find someone Â but Â i cant stop trying… Â Ive tried a million times to kill myself, drugs, putting a bag over my head. Hanging… Nothing worked… Im on my last legs now.. I know that someone is going to read this and say “Typical Bastard” then just go ahead.. Â I feel like my soul is just a dark vortex of nothingness. Im dead on the inside now..
As if the time goes â€œtick tock, tick tockâ€ as if the seconds turn to minutes and the minutes turn to hours and then day by day the sun effects the way you live your life as if nowâ€¦.. You start to rot away!
You begin to write and you turn blank as if you forget how to breathe. You turn pale and flustered as if you turn and a train comes by and your life flashes before one eyeâ€¦. Opens and you are starring into darkness.
You have horrible nightmares that make you never want to be alone. The darkness takes over your mind and surrounds you like a snake as it coils you up inside, the venom in your veins as it runs deeper and deeper and
You forget how to breathe. As if you die a little more inside.Â Your heart pounds as a beating drum in your chest the blood pumps faster and faster untilâ€¦.. You find yourself hopeless.
Hopelessness is taking over your body and making you forget how to stand it takes the gravity away from you and you just fallâ€¦ You fall and stare at the person you use to be in the mirror full of broken dreamsâ€¦
As ifâ€¦. You were ever really alive.. As f my smile was broken into a million pieces that shattered and the shards of glass came and stabbed you a million times.. what would you do then?
Everyone always says my mom is so nice but she is the most evil person I ever met.
And she doesn’t even hit me like my brother and father used to.
I’m at a part in my life now where I wish I had parents, where I wish they raised me.
Because I realize they didn’t and that made me become this nothing.
They never encouraged me to do anything, I didn’t even have to go to school. They only made me feel neglected, abandoned and lonely.
I wasn’t strong enough as a child to raise myself. I’m not strong enough now to do everything alone. I’m not strong enough to become strong.
All I need is a little love but I doubt if that exists.
Never did they give me love. They don’t even talk to me, I always tried to breath as soft as I could as a child because I was scared to make a sound. I tried not to move.
When I lied crying on the flpor because of them they just ignored me, stepped over me. I was only a small child.
They always made sure I knew they were better off without me.
My mother would tell me in one of her hate speeches.
She just gave me one again, she said she didn’t care about me anymore and that she will tell my brother not to bother too.
They never cared.. They are the ones that always brought me down and always will.
Because of them I’m stuck in this depression, all they ever did was push me further in.
They just tell me I’m childish and selfish, that it is time for me to change because I’m too old for this.
She will repeat selfish a million times very loud, saying I only care about myself.
But if she knew me a little than she would know I only care about others.
Apparently I’m just too hurt to make that shine through.
Or she is just blind, I know she is.
Hopefully someday she knows they are the one that push me of this cliff.
Even as a child I wasn’t happy to live. We’ll see how much longer I can survive.
I still wish I jumped under that train 6 years ago when I was 14. They already got me that far back than.
I still wish I did it.
In my mind I beg someone to be my parent. To do the simple things a parent should do. But it only happens in my mind.
i was watching a bunch of science videos today on youtube (theyre damn entertaining). i learned that the radius of the universe is 14 gigaparsecs wide. 1 gigaparsec is 3.3 billion light years. 1 light year is 5.88×10^12 miles. 93 billion light years across. thats a ludicrous amount of space and its all full of mostly nothing. the earth is just a small rock floating in all this nothing.
to compare; there are over 1 trillion bacteria on the skin of an average human. these bacteria are about 2×10^-6 meters long. a 6 foot human is 1.83 meters. that means that we humans are almost a million times bigger than these bacteria and yet most people dont care about them, feel them, or even think about them on a daily basis. theyre so small that we can’t even see them! and we’re like a million times larger than them! they die and multiply thousands of times a day and no one pays them any mind! theyre on us and they live and die!
if these bacteria are so insignificant to us, being only 0.000001 our size, if they’re so small as to might as well not exist, what does that say about us? how do 1.83 meters compare to something a light year across? something a parsec across? a gigaparsec? how do 1.83 compare toÂ 879,847,933,950,014,400,000,000,000? in the grand scheme of things, what does anything we do on this floating rock matter? we live. within a few decades we die. more people live. more people die. people get forgotten. actions get forgotten. eventually the earth will die and so will the sun and then a few billion years later our galaxy will get erased by a black hole and then we’ll just be another empty space in the dark.
and you think you’re important? that you matter?
Family..”friends”…”lovers” (yes with an S)
If youre reading this, youre probably surprised.
You failed to pay attention to the hurt behind my eyes
To the lies. It mustve been a million times ive said that i was fine.
Dont cry, you wont miss me.
Thoughts with my face will fade like the mist as you live blissfully.
You’ll cry in their faces but rejoice behind backs
You’ll make jokes like “too bad, she hada nice rack”
You’ll pretend with your friends you remebered my figure before i disfigured it. Maybe get hit by a car..if it’s bigger it’s better then. Or find my corpse in the swamp and we know it as gatorland.
Maybe im kidding myself and you wont find this letter. that would mean you’d look for me and found this on my dresser
This is me fading into blackness with sinners and minions
causeÂ I exist to you like snow does to Floridians
I can’t believe it.
She’s gonna die. She hasn’t died yet, but she’s on the brink.
My BEST FRIEND who has cancer is going to be gone forever. I just don’t know what to do! I can’t help her because I’m not magical, but I can’t help feeling that I’m supposed to do something. Seriously, I’m just lost.
She has an overall positive attitude about it, on the outside. But if you have a best friend, you can tell when they are actually fine and when they are scared shitless. She is scared shitless, and who can blame her?
She has less than a year to live. What am I gonna do? I’ve lost a best friend before and I don’t know if I can live through it again. I’m just not sure. I’m scared out of my mind, I can’t eat, I already couldn’t sleep but now I have another thing on my mind. What am I going to do?Â My mother has decided that she’s going to ship me back to Ireland to stay with my aunt. As much as I want to go back home, I can’t. I have to stay with Kelsey as long as I can, but I can’t say no to my mum. She’s not giving me an option. It’s like my mum hasn’t got a heart. I promised Kelsey that I’d be there for her through everything, everything. And I intend on keeping that promise, Lord knows I’ve broken too many.
She says that she only wants four things out of the rest of her life.
1. She wants to see a 1D concert
2. She wants me to fall in love with 1D (Im not there biggest fan…at all)
3. She wants to go to Ireland to see where I grew up and see all of the beautiful things in Ireland. (to which I replied “There are too many beautiful things in Ireland. You’d never be able to see them all if you had a hundred years.”)
4. She wants me to be happy.
The last one shows just how sweet she is. She doesn’t think of herself, even when she’s dying. I wish I could do the same. She’s going to die, for Christ’s sake. God, that word seems so horrible; die. It’s so final and dark.
I can’t believe she’s going to die. I’ve probably said that a million times, but whatever. I love her. She’s my best friend.
I have the shittiest love life. (I’m bisexual btw) I fall in love with people who I’ll never get. I fall in love with people who will always turn me down, who are my best friends, or who I jsut flat out don’t deserve. I’ve fallen in love with people before, but the last one I actually loved killed himself. Now, the only person I’ve actually loved since him is dying too.
Why does life have to suck?
Sorry to bugger you.
Who Am I? Someone No One Loves. What Am I? A Girl Who Everyone Will Judge. What Did I Do? Honestly, I Don’t Have A Damn Clue. Why Me? I Am Never Complete. Suicide? Overwhelms My Mind. Thoughts Of Dying? Yeah, About A Million Times. Tried Suicide? I Overdosed One Time. Did It Help? No, I Didn’tÂ Die. That’s A Shame. See, I Can’t Do Anything Right. Wish You Were Dead? Always Crossed My Mind. I Hold My Breath.. And I Die. No More Pain? That’s My Plan. Everything Okay? Yeah, Now That I’m Dead..
I’ve said a million times that I would rather be beat up than to hurt emotionally, but it never seems to work out that way.Â As I found out on Thursday night, even if you are beat up physically, your heart will still hurt.
I am not getting any younger.Â I am 29, I have a seemingly great life;Â I have a full time job at a great company, I have a wonderful apartment near my job, I have my two cats that I live with, some great friends, a supportive family…Â But there is one thing missing – a relationship with myself.
I am constantly trying to fill a void and usually I am trying to do that through alcohol.Â I was sober for many months this year and even through sobriety, I couldn’t find happiness.Â I was in a relationship thatÂ was somewhat abusive that just ended two nights ago.Â This has sent me spiraling out of control.Â I have felt suicidal for months after a PMDD diagnosis.Â I was sexually abused as a child, I went through breast cancer at age 25/26 and I have been an active alcohol for many years.Â I never sought treatment for the alcoholism because I thought that if I could get a handle on my emotions, maybe I could drink.Â I have found that I will never have a handle on either.
I am in such dire straights right now.Â I want to go, but I would rather disappear.Â I think about jumping in front of a train but that would be messy and traumatic for people.Â Same thing with jumping off of a bridge over the highway.Â I hate guns but I guess that would be the ideal method.
I have screwed so many things up in my lifetime.Â This has been by far the worst I’ve felt in my life.Â I have spent the majority of this day crying my eyes out.Â IÂ have let some people in as to how I am feeling but I have struggled with this for so long, I don’t think people even take it seriously anymore.Â I have always disliked myself but now I have taken it up a notch and I absolutely can’t stand myself whatsoever.
It is Tuesday in the a.m
I am so tense, there is so much to do to just get out the door.
Physio at ten then the appt for getting on a good track with my life with the resume and skills session at the womans outreach place.
it feels good to dump this tension on here, this helps, woke up a million times through the night and still exhausted but have to keep on going forward
I feel so incredibly not ready for today and my physical symptoms are really really uncomfortable and everything is tensed up to the max.
This is my reality and this must be dealt with…….
IM SERIOUS. this is NO LIE. every relationship ive ever been in, has been longdistanced and somene i met online. WHY? what the fuck is wrong with me in person???? i keep track in my mind at school whos single and who aint..well turns out in my grade? im like the only one who isnt walking beside their bf. this is so nerve wrecking like huh am i a loner? maybe. i just wish i knew why im so unappealing in person..im one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet (unless u piss me off and u will wish u never knew me) so ita gotta be they way i look..ive heard it a million times “ur attractive just id never think of dating u” or “ur sweet and all but u cant be my gf..your not that hot” ugh! sorry this is only annoyin me cuz homecoming is in 2 weeks, everyone has their dates but my bf is 1000 mi away:L so i have no choice but not to go unless solo but i feel horrible that no ones asked me cuz NO ONE AT SCHOOL knows im in a long distanced relationship
The Rock pushes me to keep driving my body forward; Roosevelt settles my mind when it all starts feeling too fruitless/nihilistic.
In my mind, I’ve separated death and dying. Death is the one thing I look forward to, when I can just finally stop, cease to exist, back to 0; the weight of this flesh body finally lifted as my consciousness disperses into the cosmos. I don’t think that people are anything more than walking flashlights and I really can’t wait for my batteries to run out. No more guilt, no more expectations, no more desires; just nothing.
Dying is a lot more real than death. Non-existence is the opposite of everything that is, but dying is very much in this realm of possibility. I’m afraid of pain, physical and mental; I don’t want a slow death from old age or disease. I’m whipping my body into shape, everyday pushing it, until I die suddenly, but forever pushing my body. I fear ‘getting old’ more than anything else. The body slows, the mind closes; I don’t want to to be that. I don’t want to be an “adult”. While I’m here as this body, I will not be that.
Push it, work it, dig deep and keep it in shape; mind and body.
Think of a beach. A sandy beach. Dig a hand into the sand and pull up a fist full. Let it flow through your fingers until a single grain remains. Put that grain under a miscroscope and magnify several million times. That’s where you’ll find planet earth in the grand scheme of things. Maybe there are “gods” that can play in the universe, who use stars as tanning beds and comets and bubble gum. But what makes them worthy of religious worship? What many would consider to be a superpower comes naturally to so many “lesser” beasts of the world. Are we so great? Is anything?
I think we just are. Place two mirrors face to face and gaze at the meaning of life.
My cousin did it. When he was eighteen, about a week before my fifteenth birthday. Eighteen years old. He had almost graduated high school. He was the greatest person in the entire world to me–my hero, my idol, my best friend. When he took himself away from us, I could not get it through my head. Why would he do this to us? Why would he deprive the world of his existence and leave the rest of us here to pick up the pieces? I simply could not understand.
Now that I am eighteen, I understand perfectly. He viewed the world the exact same way I do now–empty, cruel, unforgiving. In other words, not worth the effort of life. When I try to look into the future…well, I don’t see one. I can’t envision a world in the future that includes me.
God knows I’ve tried to reach out, get help. Friends cannot understand, but they try to empathize. They can’t do that either. Neither can my family understand, but they don’t even try to connect. My father is the most emotionally distant person in my entire life, and my mother is the most emotionally manipulative. She’s made it very clear what she thinks of my existence, anyways. My past with her is something I would like to just forget all together. She bruised me when I was a child, on my arms, on more than one occasion. The screaming, the shaking, the grabbing, the hitting, the slapping…nobody just forgets shit like that. I don’t remember the last time she told me she loved me. I don’t know if she ever told me she loved me.
I know I am ranting, and I’m sorry. I am just so incredibly lonely, and I have no other place to go to, not a single soul on this earth who gives a damn whether I live or die. It’s a horrible feeling to have–to know with certainty that you are worth nothing to everyone. Even your own family. I am so lonely. I just want to die. Death would be a million times better than this crushing loneliness and worthlessness that plagues me every day. Now that I’m starting to know exactly how my cousin felt 3 years ago, I think I’m finally going to do it. I guess I’m not really seeking advice or help on here. I just wanted to get this out to somebody, somewhere, before I did it.
So goodbye, whoever you are. Thanks for listening.
Youâ€™re sitting at your desk, and you know itâ€™s time to go. Youâ€™ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. Youâ€™re tiredâ€¦ youâ€™re just so very tired. Youâ€™re parents pissed you off, like school wasnâ€™t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because youâ€™re that desperate. Youâ€™re ready. You think of it as some gameâ€¦ the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, itâ€™s the perfect time. Youâ€™re ready. If you donâ€™t do it, youâ€™re gonna look down on yourself even more forever. Youâ€™re just going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will knowâ€¦ until tomorrow. Instead of getting a paper and a pen, you get the video camera out, along with a chair. Youâ€™re standing on the chair. You decided to go with the ropeâ€¦ youâ€™re gone instantly and there will be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan and the other is already around your neck. Youâ€™re in tears, you know itâ€™s for real this time. You turn on the video camera and just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words. â€œMom and dad, Iâ€™m sorry. I donâ€™t know why Iâ€™m sorry, but Iâ€™m sorry. I canâ€™t do this anymore. Please donâ€™t blame yourself, please. I love you both, and tell my siblings the same. Iâ€™ll see you all soon.â€ You say sorry to your best friend because you know you wonâ€™t be there for him anymore when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could think ofâ€¦ even yourself. Youâ€™re sorry for not being strong anymore. Youâ€™re sorry for breaking down. Youâ€™re sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your hand. You clicked the off button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chairâ€¦ the chair is on the floorâ€¦ the room is filled with silence. Youâ€™re dead. Youâ€™re gone. There is no going back. Everything is over. You donâ€™t have to live in pain anymoreâ€¦ but everyone else will. What are your parents going to think? What about your little brother, or little sister? What are they going to do? Youâ€™re gone. Youâ€™re dead. There is no going back. You ended your life because the person of your dreams only thinks of you as friends. You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knows youâ€™re the only one that is going somewhere in life. Your parents are home. They call your name telling you their home, just like they normally do when they get homeâ€¦. but somethingâ€™s different. You donâ€™t answer. They get worriedâ€¦ you always answer. They come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Now your little brother comes up after her. He screams â€œDADDY HELP!!!!â€ He runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up. â€œWAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UPâ€. But you donâ€™t answer, youâ€™re not waking up. Youâ€™re gone. Youâ€™re dead. There is no going back. Your dad comes running upstairs and all he could do is stare. He watches his baby girl swing back and forth on a rope.
This was posted on Tumblr but I felt like it was worth sharing on here:
You’re sitting at your desk, and you know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired… you’re just so very tired. You’re parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate. You’re ready. You think of it as some game… the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready. If you don’t do it, you’re gonna look down on yourself even more forever. You’re just going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will know… until tomorrow. Instead of getting a paper and a pen, you get the video camera out, along with a chair. You’re standing on the chair. You decided to go with the rope… you’re gone instantly and there will be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan and the other is already around your neck. You’re in tears, you know it’s for real this time. You turn on the video camera and just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words. “Mom and dad, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m sorry, but I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. Please don’t blame yourself, please. I love you both, and tell my siblings the same. I’ll see you all soon.” You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won’t be there for him anymore when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could think of… even yourself. You’re sorry for not being strong anymore. You’re sorry for breaking down. You’re sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your hand. You clicked the off button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chair… the chair is on the floor… the room is filled with silence. You’re dead. You’re gone. There is no going back. Everything is over. You don’t have to live in pain anymore… but everyone else will. What are your parents going to think? What about your little brother, or little sister? What are they going to do? You’re gone. You’re dead. There is no going back. You ended your life because the person of your dreams only thinks of you as friends. You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knows you’re the only one that is going somewhere in life. Your parents are home. They call your name telling you their home, just like they normally do when they get home…. but something’s different. You don’t answer. They get worried… you always answer. They come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Now your little brother comes up after her. He screams “DADDY HELP!!!!” He runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up. “WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP”. But you don’t answer, you’re not waking up. You’re gone. You’re dead. There is no going back. Your dad comes running upstairs and all he could do is stare. He watches his baby girl swing back and forth on a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn’t move. He’s stiff as a board. He cries…. Your dad NEVER cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can barely get the words “My daughter committed suicide” out of his mouth. Your little sister stares at your dad. Your dad hangs up and your little sister jumps into your dad’s arms, crying harder than ever. She’s too young to understand completely, but she knows you’re gone. You’re dead. There is no going back. Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They push your dad and sister out of your room and sit them in the living room. They take your body down off the ropes and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and out you go… just like that. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. Nothing is the same. Two weeks have passed and your mom still stares out the window more than half of the day. Your little sister still hasn’t returned to school. Your dad is forced to go to work so he can pay all the bills for your wake and funeral. Eventually, they found to strength to go into your room. Your door hasn’t been open for months. The rope is still laying on the floor and the video camera is still sitting on the table. They don’t even dare to watch the video, it will never be seen. They slowly pick up the rope and throw it in the garbage. Chills run up their spine, your mom basically in tears. They brush off your bed, making it neat… like they used to do every morning after you went to school. Your bed was made and your room was clean. They shut the door, and it remained shut. Your school is still in distress. You thought no one cared and you thought no one noticed you. The girl that said no to being your lab partner, yeah she cuts every single night now because she thinks it’s her fault you died. The boy that tripped you by accident and didn’t say sorry, yeah he’s in suicidal therapy 5 days a week in a hospital because he feels a smile could of saved your life and he didn’t give that to you. The teacher that was hard on you that day, she quit her job because she felt she wasn’t suited to teach anymore. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. 4 years have passed. Your little sister is now 15 years old. She started a club in her school dedicated to you. “Secrets” is what he calls it. The club is formed for kids to speak their hearts, without anyone judging them. They can say anything they want to, and talk about anything they needed to. If they were suicidal, they always had someone. That was your problem. You didn’t want to talk to anyone. You had everything bottled up inside of you. You acted as if you were the happiest kid on the planet and you had the perfect life. You played that character so well that even you started to believe it. You would be so “happy” and as soon as you layed in bed at night, the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents could have set you off. But with everything inside of you bottled up for years, it hit your limits. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. Your room will never be occupied. Your mom still cries every single night. Your dad isn’t as strong as he used to be. Your little sister will never grow up with you by her side moving her in the right direction. Your best friend is still torn up. Your school now has a club dedicated to you so teens will not make the same mistake you did. Your life was precious and you took it away in the blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile, that’s all you needed. But since you’re gone, just know people cared. People always have cared. You were just way too upset to see that. You were just too caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared… when the truth was, more people cared about you that you ever thought they would. Your town will never be the same. A girl is gone, a special girl who thought no one cared. Everyone cared. I promise you. They care, they always have cared. We loved you, and no matter what, we will still always love you.