I have everything in my life yet there is a great sadness in my heart. I just feel so hopeless and sad. And the worst thing is I have no idea why I feel so worthless and so tired of living. Everyday, I wish to die but I am afraid to try to do it on my own because I am scared about what will happen if i fail in my attempt. Everyday I wake up, I feel sad that I am still alive. I am an atheist. So, I don’t think some magic will happen and I shall be me again. I am lost. I just know that death is my friend. Why do I feel this way? I am losing myself everyday. I tried going to the doctor but it becomes same again once I stop taking the medicines. I wish I could die. Why live? I just can’t. It is difficult for me but I cannot tell anyone else about how I feel. This sadness and despair in my heart is taking me to the hell gates of depression again. I wish there was an escape.
Why me? Why do I have to be that one person who is the friend that could go missing and NOBODY would notice or care? Why is my bestfriend so much better than me? Why do I have to be ugly? Why do I have to be FAT? I workout so much, for no results. Why don’t I have any good qualities???
I’ve been giving up on everything. First it was a few missing homework assignments, then classes, now tests. I’m also slowly giving up on my hobbies and sports, too. What have I become to be? I cut myself, and starve myself, and now I’m giving up.
This is the shortest post I have made, but every time I read it, I cry every time.
Hello. I’m just not feeling it. I have a few more weeks left to go. No energy to get the stuff done though. I’m starting to get spastic. I have a feeling something is suppose to be happening now, but I just don’t know what it is. Like something is missing. My head is starting to feel a bit compressed. I feel like I need to be somewhere, I just don’t know where. Everything is out of place and it is starting to get annoying. I’m not too sure. It’s like I’m not suppose to be here. Well thank you for listening.
She kisses like cough syrup when I have a cold.
but we’re not in love, we’re just alone.
Like a drug company’s overdose.
Trying to replace our heads with holes.
We’re missing days and spending weeks.
Only passing through looking for company.
And semen released is a rotting stomach.
Like a body drained of blood.
My flaw. Our failure.
I’ve seen a bunch of therapists in the 14 years since I was first diagnosed with depression. None of them have been particularly effective. I guess that’s not surprising, given that I tend to use negative thoughts as a mechanism to avoid situations that are scary or tend to result in emotional pain. A therapist can give me a technique to challenge my thoughts or a behavior to lessen the power of those thoughts, but I’ve rarely tried any of them because I don’t actually want to challenge my thoughts. If I do, I know I will be likely to drag myself right back out there to face that pain again and it’s generally worse the second time.
I’ve been seeing my current therapist for almost two years. He is trying to get me to challenge my social phobia, always talking about how much I’m missing out on by avoiding social groups and romantic relationships. He doesn’t seem to realize that I truly don’t care if I’m missing out on that stuff; whenever I’ve told him so he insists that I’m lying to myself. I don’t really want to be pushed to fit in with society anymore; my dad did that for most of my later childhood and it resulted in me learning a lot of social skills but also increasingly hating myself and my life. At this point I mainly want to know how I can live without experiencing acute emotional pain on a regular basis, if that’s even possible.
My therapist occasionally comes up with some very good insights, which is why I’ve kept seeing him for this long, but I really don’t trust him at this point and there’s a lot of stuff I feel like I can’t tell him. I figure I should probably end things with him, but I have no idea who/what I should try next.
After yesterday, being directly rushed to the E.R. by ambulance for suicidal thoughts, knowing how my family treated me (please read “No Emergency”) when they said I was over exaggerating, when my mom complained saying she could’ve bought shoes instead of paying for parking at the hospital, when my father complained about missing work, where my sister told me I was making things up,
Fuck I don’t even remember the point to this post.
Urgh I’m wasting everyones time.
But I feel I have to let this out.
I have no one.
I feel alone, depressed, unloved, and empty. I can’t get over losing my baby, dropping out of school, and missing the douchebag of the father. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I’m feeling suicidal and I’m scared I’ll try tonight. I just want to talk to somebody.
Is it possible to have nostalgia for things you’ve never had or experienced? It’s like, maybe watching television and reading books isn’t such a great idea, because I see their lives, and I want them. Not all the drama, but the freedom, I guess. The friendships. The honesty. I wish I had those things growing up. And I look back on my life so far, and I feel like I’m missing my younger years. Then I remember what shit my younger years were, and I realize I’m missing what I missed. I’m missing the things that other people have. Maybe that’s more like envy, but it’s not like I’m jealous for things I don’t need but rather, for the things I needed and never got–safety, love, guidance, communication. I want another chance. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up here, ya know? I feel like it’s too late for a lot of things now. I don’t know how to shake this.
Finally found reasons to die…but not even one to keep staying alive.
This is such a f-cked up world.
In this page, I feel real freedom swirling around me. I can express whatever I want to say, and I know that I just often post or log in, like to be honest this is my second post since I joined last month. (It’s not as if I’m the only one). But oh well, doesn’t matter. Just found a reason to be online everyday. I’d probably be too noisy here than in the outside world, but who cares…nobody, of course.
I’ve had enough of everything. Literally, everything.
When I go to school everyday, I put that f-cking disguise on my face. What is it? Ting…ting…ting…
You’re right! A smile. I greet and smile at everyone I know.
But then there was something missing.
No. Not missing.
Something I still don’t understand.
But now I get it. Now I know.
I’ve been used. Not the slutty way, but the ‘used-by-shitty-people-whenever-they-need-you-and-then-dump-you-right-after-getting-what-they-want-out-of-you’ way. Worse, they were close to me.
They started noticing why I don’t speak to them anymore, or I don’t goof and joke around anymore, or even not play games with them. Me, being me, I just shrug and smile. They think the person they know or they see rather, is still there. But her soul already left Earth, buried to the deepest part of wherever corners of the Earth as long as she’ll be forgotten.
She’s me. She was me. Now she’s gone. Forever. (I don’t honestly believe in forever).
A dark-humored, dimhearted soul took over the body. The one that gave me reason to rather die than live. There’s nothing special waiting for me in the afterlife anyway. I’ll probably be doomed with stares and glares from whoever those will come from. Bleeh, you get my point.
I know you’ll think that it’s just a shallow reason and that I’m a shallow person. But believe me, there’s more than just to what I’m saying right now.
I don’t want to find reasons to live, coz’ I’m starting to see the world shrinking.
I’m a rookie at this, so comments for ways to die easily is considered and appreciated.
My family and my f-cking friends will probably see me hanging with a rope tied around my neck, my face scrunched for gasping for air and struggling. Or maybe, bubbles from the reaction of my body from taking in too much pills or cyanide will do. Or jumping off a six-storey building. Too cliche, I know. But, whatever.
Fifty-seven days before graduation. Should I wait? Or not?
Oh well, what a life. What a shitty, f-cked-up, sad life.
Thanks for reading and coping with my rants tho.
Sometimes it feels like I’m coping, maybe even okay.
Then I’m back to anxious and sad and missing my ex so much my chest hurts. I want her to be missing me. She probably is, but it doesn’t feel like it. At one point she’d said she was planning to contact me a few months after the breakup, because she missed me so much and still wanted me in her life. I think all that’s over. She wasn’t planning to leave the state then. Now she has. Maybe she’ll come back, but…
I feel like she’s done with me.
I feel like I’m the one who has lost more, even though I can see how I’m actually setup to “recover” better. I may not be as smart as her or socially skilled, but I don’t have ptsd. I thought- we both thought- that she had dealt with her ptsd more than she has. She may never have the family relationships that she wants or may always struggle with them. It may take years for her to feel like she can be in a relationship again. She had said she’s afraid she’ll never be able to fully open up with someone, since if she couldn’t do it with me then with who?
I fully believe she has to ability to recover and have and do all the things she wants to, but it’ll take time. And it’ll take time for me to recover as well, but I think she’s right- I am stronger than her- and my depression has already improved from TMS and may improve even more as I continue to take Metformin.
I know all these things logically, but it doesn’t help me feel it. It’s hard to not feel like I failed- I failed to keep my relationship together, failed to be the person she needed me to be, to be the person she would fight for.
I got my dog back.
At least I think so. My ex just dropped her off at my parents’ house, barely saying anything to my mom. I assume this means she’s my dog again, because coming back to get her as if I were just babysitting- that would be so cruel and I don’t believe my ex could ever be cruel.
I’m thrilled to have her back, but confused to how I got her. It shouldn’t matter- I can’t get my ex to want to be with me again, so it shouldn’t matter what she thinks of me, right? Except maybe in terms of friendship, but that’s at least months away and that’s not what I’m missing right now. I’m missing the companionship, having someone to come home to- and the future that we’d imagined for us: starting our careers, having kids, living overseas. I feel like I’m missing it more as time goes on, not less.
But I have my dog now. And I do feel like the TMS treatments (and maybe the medication to regulate my hormones) are helping. I still feel utterly sad which is fucking confusing and frustrating. I still have anxiety that makes me feel like I can’t exist like a normal human being in both doing well in school and in having some sort of social life.
But I am trying. That’s what I’ve always done. In varying degrees, sure, but ever since I graduated high school the only break I’ve taken from college was during summers I visited my parents (when they were living overseas) or semesters where I ended up having to withdraw from the semester because my anxiety and/or depression were too bad for me to be capable of passing. It’s not a fun way to live, just doing the bare minimum to get by.
But somehow I got to this point where I only have 4 more classes left (although it’s take a year to do them). I really wish I wasn’t grieving. I wish more than anything to still have the life I had, where I had a fiance, two dogs, and a rough plan for the future. But I don’t. And the only real choice I have is to continue what I’ve been doing, at least doing the bare minimum (although I think I’ll be able to do more than that, especially as time goes on). I just hope I find someone to spend my life with and in time to have a family.
It’s like periodic anxiety attacks where my chest aches every time the shock of her absence, the pain of missing our life together, hits me.
I may feel less depressed because of the TMS (or possibly the the treatment for PCOS), but I still feel useless. Classes start this week and I don’t think I know how to be human again yet.
This may be my last post, for a while. Contemplating some things right now, trying to solve my life’s puzzle yet again. I’m missing a piece and it bothers me. Anyways, bye everyone (for now)
Cold and blue
Drowned, frozen, dead
Red/blue lights flash
Tears fall from my lidded eyes
Hitting you with a splash
I hold you close for the last time
You’re ripped away
Down to the morgue
I know it won’t work
Soon I’ll be with you
My uncle killed himself last week. Drove out into the woods about 10 miles from his house and parked at the end of an old logging road. Tied his belt to his seat and hung himself. He had been missing for a few days before they found him. I wasn’t super close to him. I feel nothing. I want to hate myself for not feeling bad but it is hard to when I feel nothing. It’s hard to judge or hate when I have been considering the same thing for a while. How long did he think about it? What finally pushed him to do it? I don’t know. All I know is it is going to be a ***** of a thanksgiving.
I’ve been working for 6 hours . And my feet are killing me. But I feel like work is the only thing that occupies my mind .
I don’t think about anything else when I’m working . But I feel like I work so much, I don’t enjoy life . It’s a one one situation. Either work and hate life and not have any enjoyment, or don’t work and sit at home in my bed and sulk . They both kind of suck. I also feel a lot sympathy for people who work for a shitty ass amount of money and try to live off that . I just feel like I’m missing out on the best years of my life . I want to get out and do great and fun things . I just feel like I don’t even have time to be happy .
Not wanting to do something because it has never panned out positively
Yet risking the chance of a missing a positive outcome by not doing it
i am tired, i am torn
I’m a bit slow, if I may from my impartial
I’ll keep my work for tomorrow
Let me enjoy the life
What is it from the outside effecting one’s chromosome
Growing to become the master of my ability in my disparity
Putting everything that I say, I’m sorry
I’m a bit slow, if I may from my impartial
The only from the echo missing to the beat of a drum
Growing to become the master of ability from my disparity
Everyone is like a valiant knight
And what about for this one
What happened to the true, cross, by the side
And now, to the now
Like I lost so long ago
Back to the, equitable
Convening, there is only one advocate
That can carry my soul
Growing to master from my disparity
And I need you, too
To the drum, like the battle is at zero
In the quilt