I am the fading light in the dawn of day after the beauty of colors has played.
I am the forever lost, the infinity darkness, the forgotten and misunderstood.
I will never be your dawn. I will be here until.
Staring at these same walls day after day.
Having to eat every day. I hate being hungry. Why can’t I eat once every six months or so?
Getting hair cuts.
Being told it will get better.
Living in the U.S. with all these hateful, ignorant, uber-competitive, loud mouths.
Basically being human or even existing.
I really don’t think I was meant to be human. I hate them so. Yet I must rely upon them.
Please. I just want the sadness and misery to end.
I thought we were best of friends, distances between us would never mean anything. We will stay connected forever; and at least pray for each other, as we are not gods to influence each others lives. But you betrayed my friendship only under the assumption that i have betrayed. We could have spoken, instead of just making assumptions. Humans communicate, they react. Only Machines don’t react.
And now, i fear that in my anger, you went too far away from me. You misunderstood my anger as well. Instead of directly confronting me, you shut me down; as if I never existed;
In a snap I become a nobody, you forgotten how much i adored you. How I tried to help you out in your difficult times, and when I needed help you had cold shoulders to give; threw away everything and tore me apart from every page of your life. You forgot our decade old friendship.
Your friendship was an asset to me, and losing it felt like I lost one of the valuables in my life.
One thing is for sure, no matter what; I will never betray our friendship.
tired of being one. I wwant to avoid it but cant. and im so alone. If any of you people have someone in your life, like you have children or a fiancée , or bf/gf you guys are so lucky. you shouldn’t even be here, I hate you. if you cant see who ur with. im alone in this world and have no one to live with. ive had it, im tired of feeling misunderstood and lonely. im diseased no one is going to want me and its my fault. why keep living on my own? im so tired. I always think of cutting deep and down the veins. does that help really?ive read of many people failing . cant get a gun anywhere. ive thought of hanging or drowning. I don’t know what choices there are out there. any more? I cant keep living this way
They say it’s okay.
That it’s gonna get better.
They don’t understand.
They think it’s a phase.
That we’re just overreacting.
They think we’re okay.
They see the fucking signs,
They just don’t care.
They don’t hear the voices.
They don’t feel the pain.
They don’t know.
And we won’t tell.
“We’re just suicidal kids telling other suicidal kids that suicide isn’t the answer”
Honestly, I try to be so supportive to everyone. I try to be someone helpful. I try to understand the misunderstood. I try to be a really good friend. I try to be everything except myself. Every time I forget to put my needs before everyone else’s. I forget to be myself because I’m so busy filling in all the other roles.
I try to support every belief. In a way, if you are a Muslim and you are a great friend I won’t care what your religion is because at the end of the day the person I need is you (if that makes sense).
I try to always be there for you. I will listen patiently to your problems.
I try to understand every single person that is misunderstood. You’re gay? That’s cool. I love gay people. Transgender? How should I call you? You’re weird? So am I! Depressed? I’ll be right next to you in your journey.
I try to be the best person I can be when it comes to friends. All my friends come to me for advice. Whenever they have a problem they talk about it with me.
Myself? That’s a role I can’t fill. No matter how much I try I always put someone else’s needs before my own.
I know what you guys will say; to fill in the only role that actually matters; my own, but I can’t. My happiness is something that I lost long ago and it’s super hard to win it back. It is easier for me to make someone else happy than make myself happy.
If you ever need a person that will listen you can talk to me. I may not know what it’s like to be in your shoes but I promise I will try to understand and although I’ve lived a short life, I know a lot of things. You can contact me at email@example.com
I hate this world .
This world is so boring , boring world !
Why movies , games , anime / manga, & fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
everyday life is the same : wake up, eat, go to school/work, boring, then go back home, eat, then sleep, then repeat again.
but movie / game / anime / manga / comics / books are much more exciting & interesting than this boring life !
for example: like in the world / universe of Harry Potter, Avatar, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Marvel / Marvels, Avengers, X-Men, Divergent, Star Wars, The Hobbits, The Matrix, Sword Art Online (SAO), Skyrim, Log Horizon, Naruto, One Piece, Bleach, DOTA, Assassin’s Creed, etc etc
but in real life / real world / reality everything is only all about money !
& also shallow, superficial, stupid / dumb things like sex, party / partying , fight over religions, race, ethnicity, & even small little unimportant things ! god I swear that I hate people / humans / humanity sometimes !
anyone also feel the same ? anyone can relate ?
(PS: have you heard of things like Virtual Reality (VR), Oculus Rift, and then also Lucid Dreaming / Lucid Dream , Astral Projection, Out of Body (OBE) experiences ? .. I wish those things are real, so I can escape this boring world ! )
Hey, Dead Girl!! Don’t cry for me.
It was a tragic existence,
this life you leave.
No ones to blame , but this for sure,
They hated your beauty, something you misunderstood.
You lived in a Bird cage on your own accord.
A cage of ugliness,
With an unlocked door.
They called you “fat”
They called you “whore”
But it was false, you never felt the touch of a lovers hand before.
So….. To your tormentors,
You sow the seeds of that mornings ghastly, ghoulish deed.
It was at the bus stop,
For your prosecutors to see.
You hang by your neck,
From the limb of a tree.
Please Dead Girl, Don’t Cry For Me.
My life is a downtrodden groundhogs day.
I wake up every morning with a varying degree of hope and slowly pull myself out of bed. I turn on my computer, if it isn’t already on to charge my phone overnight, and my monitor then venture into the kitchen for a fresh cup of water. I like water. Fortunate I suppose, I know most people don’t. I could gladly skip juices and soft drinks for a steady supply of water. A fresh sip splashes my mind and cools my senses. Today isn’t so bad, I think to myself. If I’m hungry I’ll peer into the fridge and shelves for something to suit my stomach’s desire if there happens to be anything at all. Occasionally I’ll skip the morning meal, other times I find exactly what I crave, and sometimes my stomach is left to growl at the visage of emptiness.
Regardless, I follow up by returning to my room. I delve back into the sweet solace of my four walls and the comfort of nothingness. It’s always soft and cool during the day before souring into bitter-sweet at night. Hours pass by as I chat with a friend or two while embarking on otherworldly quests hammering my brain with senses of joy and pleasure interrupted only slightly with sharp jolts of irritating frustration. My day proceeds with surprising glee. Dinner is an awkward event at an undersized table, with my back faced at an uncomfortable angle to the window behind me. I close the curtains every time. My mother laughs at my “vampirism” while I frown and say nothing. My mind retorts with a lengthy statement derived from discomfort at other’s watching over my shoulder while I eat. Sometimes the meal is enjoyable and filling, sometimes not. I finish my meal, dispose of the dishes, thank my mother, and return to the comfort of my four walls. Time passes, the sun sets, and with it the curtains. As night begins to fall my mood slowly mirrors the darkening aura of the outside world. The details aren’t important. My deep inner turmoil, what ails me, what makes me unique and burdens me. These special traits aren’t the disease they’re the symptoms. I’m already sick with suicide, it’s not important explaining in detail exactly why.
One by one my friends, now opposite the country of me, turn in for the night while I remain awake. Hours pass while I attempt to stuff my mind with entertaining videos, pictures, games, stories, food, and alcohol. They push back the darkness bit by bit but the end result is almost always the same. Alone in my room with people on my mind and myself on no one else’s. I yearn for affection and feel like an affliction. My constant state of existence is simply a nuisance. The four walls around me during daylight are my only comfort, and by night my confinement. Any attempt to reach out is smacked away with embarrassing swiftness and reminds me of my utter uselessness. So I yield to the world and remain in my cell. I flood my mind with anything to cheer, preventing the would-be constant fear. But it only lasts until the night, when the shadows creep into the walls and my mind. My friends go to sleep inside their homes beside their wives, and I’m left alone caught trying to hide. Depression sinks in.
I try – depression sinks in… Sometimes – depression sinks in… If only I could – depression sinks in… Maybe…No – depression sinks in…
Tomorrow I’ll be fine. I can be alright! I only need to sleep and wait out for morning when my walls are alight! My mind will burst and my friends will return, tomorrow will ignite my fading inner might! But tomorrow is just another day, and I realize now that I’m only running way. Fucking poetry man… Depression makes me this way. I’m tired of running, and feeling like this. Tomorrow I’d be fine, but only ’til the night. Why bother with another day, why bother with the cycle? It’s only repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating… There’s nothing behind these credits. I’m tired of waiting. My life didn’t amount to much; to you, to them, to her, to him, or anyone else for that matter. The moment I came into this world society branded me with expectation and demands. I was required to preform and participate in a game I didn’t understand. Why must I follow suit and stand in line? Why must you mock me for questioning my time? Why must anyone, for that matter, even bother with this crime? To you, my life was a joke, but my death will be mine. I get the last laugh. Fuck you… That’s the punchline.
Very bad day. Holding on but its fucking excruciating.I feel burdensome and taxing to my kids… I can feel every emotional crime iv comitted or been the victim of inside my chest ,and I can see the bloody trail of abandonment ive left in my wake .If only.if only..IF ONLY ……….but theres no one for me anymore,and what right do I have to even imagine I can have another chance. Ive thought that once th kids are both in college,that I could be with someone again-but its delusional of me.Ive used all my chances up..I just want to walk out the door and into the Pacific ocean.The acute loneliness is fucking killing me .Im struggling with feelings of being rejected by my two teenagers -I feel slighted and disregarded..and I feel im no longer cool and funny to them-instead im just crazy and abhorrent now. IT FUCKING hurts ME…Im too crazy now for my kids . Ive tried very hard to make their lives good.i HAVE made their lives good. They’re growing up,and having full lives..its natural they would pull back- but they don’t like me anymore,is what im feeling…And I have told myself that I would never kill myself while they were living at home.And tonight I feel that I may no longer be able to honor that. Something that keeps coming up in my mind- I feel like if I can stop talking out loud,maybe I will become better,somehow. Silence the craziness pouring out of me from the bag of cats in my head…I feel I have to just withdraw inside,because being misunderstood or disregarded is a far worse feeling than not being heard…I think im going to do it-i wonder if I even CAN …im going to do it.Ill try it….I will write,but I wont speak out loud. I realize this sounds like a ridiculous or insane thing to do….but its a thought ive been considering for months…I keep coming back to it,and for some reason it feels like something I need to do..Between this and the walking into th ocean,I think I will attempt to be silent first. This is a rambling incoherent post-i apologize .
I dont know how many of you feel misunderstood by sheeple and what I like to call educated fools. My life has been filled with sexual abuse at a young age. Being brought into the world by an unstable 14 year old mother who really has horrible choice in men. Family that’s in denial of their sick and twisted faults and continue to pass on the demons from generation to generation instead of cutting the head off the snake. Mental illness and being able to read people for who they really are but still give them the benefit of the doubt because of the weariness from withdrawing from people because of the constant let downs and just knowing how dark the human heart, mind and soul is. I’m not trying to put my while life story on here but just need to vent I guess. Although I am at the last straw with trying to figure out why and just slip into the darkness. I’ve been there before and was brought back why I don’t know it was more relaxing there. Although people tell me I shouldn’t complain because I don’t have it that bad … If they only knew. But I feel it horrible knowing all the fucked up shit that can and will go wrong before it actually does. Not speaking as if I have psychic powers or anything just logically speaking. I see it everyday a person knows 2+2=4 but can let someone else tell them it’s 1 I just dont know what to do anymore I’m the oldest of my siblings and wish I would have offed myself long ago when I didn’t have people that actually needed my help. So I’m ambivalent to suicide but I know it’s only a matter of time before I go though with it.
I’m young. People don’t generally understand how a young person with so much life left ahead of them could be depressed. Some say it’s just puberty, some say it’s hormones. I know what both of those feel like, and they are nothing compared to the grasp depression can have on you. It takes hold of you, and no matter how hard you try to fight it so you can breathe again, it leaves you empty and without energy. I come from a good family. Parents are together, no one close to me has been taken away. And still… it is so hard to be happy. Not even my closest of friends understand. Nor will they try to. They have had so many problems: abuse, addictions, absent parents. That is all damaging, but at least people can see what hurt them and feel sympathy. What do I get? Nothing. “It’s all in your head,” they say. “If you do this thing, everything will work out,” others badger. Nothing works, nothing helps. When you are hurting, and no one cares enough to help you because there “seems to be nothing wrong”… that just isn’t fair. No person can understand that pain. Not a single one.
I had never heard of this sight until tonight. I saw a friend post about it on Facebook & instantly thought that it was a sign.
Let me just begin with a little bit about me. I am 18, I live in a town I hate, & I hate most people. I’ve never really blogged, but I’ve always wanted to. It really helps me to write & I need to have a way to calm myself down. I really don’t know how to explain myself because I don’t really know who I am anymore. I don’t want to hear that I’m too young & that I need to get over the “little” problems because I have been through more than an 18 year old should. In my posts I plan on telling you events that have happened to me in my life up until this point.
A reason I believe this was a sign is because lately I have been suffering some hardcore Anxiety, something that is quite recently new in my life. With this I am Bipolar & Manic Depressant, I get really low sometimes, I think that I always have a terminal illness or something that is going to kill me at a young age, & I freak out easily. I take a certain medicine for all of this combined, but due to turning 18 I lost my insurance & cannot afford the $390 price for it. So I officially have nothing keeping me stabilized at this point in my life. Since being off my medicine I have been going through a symptom that is associated with Anxiety & that is: Depersonalization. It’s where you can’t really comprehend real life, you are unable to perceive that you are you, these are your body parts. Reality is a dream & you’re truly not there. For example, I Look at my hands… they’re not my hands. Same with my legs. I literally feel like nothing but a pair of eyes. I don’t know any other way to explain it. It scares me to the point of panic. I have been so depressed lately & I’m being told by those close to me that it’s all made up for the pharmaceutical industry to get money. .this itself also brings me down.
I have never really truly thought about actually taking my life, just things like, “How would everyone feel? My family, friends, boyfriend, & even enemies.” Death is obviously something that scares me, but why did it suddenly hit me tonight that I have the power to end this, my life. I have the power to not feel this sadness, fear & pure hatred for who I am & everything wrong with me. I hate having to deal with this everyday, but I could never end my life. I just hate that I have to live this way. I HATE THIS FEAR. I get so moody & lash out on the ones I love, especially my parents & boyfriend. I know I am pushing them away & I don’t want that. I need ways to keep myself from this. I need something to get my life back on order. Being that I just graduated I don’t have school to look forward to anymore & I just get to sit at home most of the time. The worst thing about lashing out, I know I shouldn’t.. but, I can’t stop it. I try not use what I suffer from as a crutch, but I know that’s what it is. Something has GOT to give at some point. I’m too afraid to go to the doctors, I hate them. I just don’t know anymore.
This is all I really have at this point. So, the rest is going to follow. Here’s my story…
Hey I think Ive realised that maybe I am single because of insecurities, Ive been on the sick a long time for depression and neurolical problems, have a big drug history and Ive lived quite a painful life that maybe i think is just different to what women are looking for. maybe I try to give a different impression but it ends up making me look like a twat, only really on line , but I think inÂ other ways not on the netÂ its also hampering my chances ofÂ findingÂ someone. If someone does like me in real life I usually either miss my opportunity or pullÂ away and pretend im not interested to maybe avoid being rejected.Â Ive only really ever had one serious relationship and that was with a girl I didnt really want (well not physically) and she ended up hurting me massively come the end because i did still care for her and she only wanted me for shallow reasons, and the hurt from that made me even more insecure than I was before!Â I think Ive become a bit spiteful because ive never really had a choice, and ive been single 4 years now, again not out of choice, Im 6ft 2Â , handsome and have always been a great friend to my friends but its like these insecurities just keep me from being my best with eligible women, they keep me fromÂ getting close if I fancy themÂ I guess. even in a club ifÂ I attract a girl fromÂ my dancing which has happened once she comes overÂ I dont feelÂ comfortable and it makes me do wrong things or either walk away and play uninterested.Â They deffinietly also stem from childhood I think. So its been really difficult, Ive become a bit twisted and it feels like im gonna have to be a rock star just to get a relationship with someone, which is a bit silly! on line it only takes one word out of sync and you get judged for it and its like my heart pushes out something negative from something negative which i think at the time is possitive, its kinda trying to mask my insecurity I guess but it gets misunderstood.. I really Wish women were more simple and just wanted us in the same way we want them, we arnt very personal but it seems to me they are very personal without actually knowing much about you, its just surface attraction i guess which is screwing me up.Â I dont know Im just sick of being alone I guess and misunderstood and judged wrongly!Â canÂ any body relate to this or am i just more twisted thanÂ most? and is there any organisations that can help you with relationship issues like these or is again a case of sort it out on your own? lol
thanks for reading.
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