I’m back to square one.
Started to feel same shit again.
Mind hurts. It plays. Fuck. Shit.
Im getting old woohoo!
my philosophy about how much suffering we should endure is probably comparable to that of clive barkers cenobites ideas around it.
ive honestly seeked out death for myself
ive honestly seeked out a life for myself.
Im at my end. If i can’t die. i cant live. .
im 29years old so you listen hear youngens and old bastards alike: Keep kicking or dont. Expend every ounce of free will. Preserve it. or dont.
im not sick. I never was.
They can take me away but after years of frustratingly ordering my opinions about this matter.. And learning to enter/escape bigger hell holes: Lol no one can convince […]
Let me start from the beginning. (I’m now revising this and this definitely did not go in the order I thought it would)
I don’t want to reveal my identity too much so i’ll play this safe and call myself Kai.
I’m seventeen years old, eighteen in March. I’m a transgender boy (born female) and i’m gay. My mom’s side of the family is one of the biggest group of unsupportive close minded people you will ever meet. Ever since I was young, I knew i felt different than my siblings and cousins. My family tries to look like your average apple pie and a […]
I’m different now, my heart beats for no one no emotion… I feel nothing but the annoyance of this world… I couldn’t die I was found with over two months of meds in my stomach they pumped them out… After a week they let me go of course I’m watched but… No one knows… The me that was hurt… The me that was weak, bullied, destroyed every way possible… Has returned the hunter… I don’t want my life for me… I want to take back what millions have lost… Millions commit suicide every year… I will take back the lives we lose… I don’t care […]
I don’t want to be alive anymore.. I can’t stand feeling like I mean nothing to anyone, can’t bear the weight of meaning nothing to myself.. I can’t stop thinking about what it will feel like to be dead.. I don’t think anyone would miss me..
I have a boyfriend, but he makes me feel so insignificant, so inadequate.. I know he loves me, but I feel so worthless, and it’s only a matter of time until he sees that too.. And he leaves me too.. Dear reader, I love him, and he doesn’t say or do anything to make me feel that way, but he’s […]
There’s nothing more to say
Here at the end, will I find
Unleash, are you my monster
Are you all mine, all mine
Thank you for being so sweet
Be my little flower, take me
I’ve gone crazy, are you
Can I see you tonight, Maurice
Let me know, let me know
You want to Samba, you want to fight
Let’s f***
Monster rally
I’m a Monster, I’m a Machine.
Do I absorb the souls of the animals whose flesh I feast upon daily?
Do I suffer for what I made them suffer?
Do they drag me down for the horror they endured so bravely?
They were all victims, now I am another.
I tell them I’m but a factory and they are my fossil fuel.
Their response tells me they’re not amused.
When I chew their flesh, I know I’m being cruel.
But […]
This poem is kind of the same as last time except it’s more “in the moment” if anything. hope you enjoyed
I’m the girl chasing a dream
but underneath my human skin, i’m a monster
creating visions that are not to be seen
and spilling blood that’s not meant to be cleaned
I terrorize throughout the night
Tearing through their flesh and bone
and as i look for more victims to take,
i realize, I’ve been turned into stone
a stone cold killer, i guess you could say
but that still doesn’t make the pain go away
with every scream ringing in my ear
I continue hold them […]
“Final Tango”
Maybe if I pray to the Devil, it will be there for me. Duality.
I wonder if I dance, does it stand next to me, cold.
My guardian angel.
Touching my shadow.
Faces of the people.
Living a world in a lie.
Upside-down, upside-down. Why.
In futility. Trying to decipher.
Here in my abyssal nonsensical throne.
Chained, that is all I can do, and nothing.
There is no “God,” but if there is, it will save me.
Tonight, what happens. When nothing’s left. In this.
The grey. The light. The dark.
Humanity.
The battle. The war, lost.
The archives, stolen.
Evil overtaken.
How many thousands […]
I’m angry and anxious 24/7. I think about killing people all the time. Usually the homeless; no one would miss them in their absence. Sometimes children–isn’t the world overpopulated enough? I hate what I’ve become. Even my cat isn’t safe. I feel like I’m losing my soul to madness.
My head is pounding, excruciating. And I can feel the weight, the pressure, pushing down. Trying to write an assignment, like I have been trying to do for hours, today, yesterday, the day before, and before that…
My head isn’t in this. In fact, it couldn’t be less involved in reality. Work hard… I always have. I felt like I owed something, putting myself behind bars of steal to force every ounce of strength I had into it… I can’t do anything else. I have to… I mean, in my field, you would really think I would care more. about people… I study a variety of […]
Im numb now… no not numb exactly…I have forgiven him all the shit that went down… an addiction is a nasty thing and he is seeking help. has a specialist who deals with the sexual addiction may be going to a inpatient facility for a while… I forgave him (mostly some days it is hard though to remember that) .. now it is just the life with him.. my life ..
Im not sure I want it any more.. not just the life with him but any life.. well obviously im on here it has been like that for a while.
but Im not […]
I feel like a toxin convinced it’s medication, because like a monster no matter how much I try to help you I find I’m slowly killing you from the inside. But still I love you.
Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared of everything because since March I have been trying to find ways to get by. I’ve used every goddamn coping skill you could think of. All of them and sure they relieve how I feel but it doesnt change it in the long run. I was stupid when I tried to die. I was supposed to jump. That was my plan initially, but I got fucking scared of being stopped, being seen, so I found an alternative. I should’ve known it wouldn’t work. I should’ve thought of what would happen afterwards. I admit since going to the hospital I enjoy […]
I can’t exactly say when it started because I don’t know, my life has just been full of bad events snowballing until I finally released it all.
From a very young age I felt alienated from everyone, I felt that nobody was like me.
It didn’t help that I had a young mother, she had me at 14, Â because I felt that she wasn’t approachable. Also, she was often getting into new relationships which involved a lot of men. I found it very hard ad still find it very hard, to connect with new people so this was an issue for the first 5 years of my […]
Dear Readers.
Wow, that sounds weird for some one as new as me, because i tend to not gain attention, Internet-wise or not, but thats besides the point. I am a 13 year old girl, nothing special, and to be honest, i’m not that serious of a case, compared to other people, But what my problem is that i suffer from my negative emotions, and i do mean it quiet  literally. Let me try to clear this up for you. For example, lets assume that you and i used to be really close, but then our relationship… fails. Like i wasn’t as great as a friend then you […]
Everyone is running, making progress, enjoying life and achieving a lot but i don’t feel like achieving anything. Life has become miserable, everyday is just more worse than the previous one. I tried a lot during the past 7 years to cope with it but i failed.
No confidence to do anything, life seems to be like a continuous torture, my creativity and working capability has just come to an halt. In this condition I am losing on every ground whether it is job, relations or anything else. Life feels like a monster, people have fear of death but i m having fear of life. Every […]
Dear Monster,
you’ve broken my heart
run your teeth across my chest
and feasted on the sweet meat inside
I’m sending you the pieces, what is left
I must begin now, before the venom spreads
and paralyses me completely,
as good Monster venom should.
I must look under my bed and inside the closet and
beg it was all a dream…
Â
I’ve got no fight in me, no desire; oh please make it go away…
I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. The fear of being alone seems to consume me. These girls who say they love me, they can’t be serious. How could they love me when they haven’t tried to know me. I’m not trying to lead them on. I’m just too nice to tell them what I really think. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I’ve been thinking about death again. But is death what I want currently? I don’t have the desire to sleep except when I wake up in the morning because sleeping is much easier than going through the day. Sometimes being […]
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