the sky looked nice tonight. i saw the moon for the first time in a while. there were a few stars. the shade of blue was difficult to describe, it was deep, but, not black. like… navy, maybe. it made me feel some type of way.
Escape from its grasp
An impossible task
For the afflicted is trapped
Within a one piece clasp
The issue before thee
One cannot see
The moon from the night
The shore from the sea.
Kayla Silverfox: Do you know why the moon is so lonely?
Kayla Silverfox: Because she used to have a lover.
Logan: You tell this to the kids?
Kayla Silverfox: No.
Kayla Silverfox: His name was Kuekuatsu and they lived in the spirit world together.
Logan: Oh, this is a true story.
Kayla Silverfox: Mm-hm. And every night, they would wander the skies together. But, one of the other spirits was jealous. Trickster wanted the Moon for himself. So he told Kuekuatsu that the Moon had asked for flowers; he told him to come to our world and pick her some wild roses. But Kuekuatsu didn’t know that once you leave the spirit world, you can never go back. And every night, he looks up in the sky and sees the Moon and howls her name. But… he can never touch her again.
Logan: Wow. Kuekuatsu got screwed.
So… not really sure where to begin. how about I start simple. Im 23 years old, practically still a child, and yet I feel like its all ready over. I feel as if I’ve already seen the best the worlds is going to offer me. With each year that passes i find myself growing more dormant inside. I’ve watched many family members die, had people that i called brothers and sisters betray me, had my heart broken by many girls, even my wife when she cheated and left me and spared no time getting pregnant by three different guys back to back starting 3 months after leaving me. If you made a time line of the past 23 years of my life I can show you the point in time when things really began to change for the worse and I could keep on explaing in detail how the events that followed corrupted my way of thinking and how I corrupted myself by not thinking to compensate for the vulnerability I felt. What i cant show you is were my heart is… All that remains is a empty whole that no one sees. I can even forget that its there temporally threw the course of the day but as sure as the sun will set and a dark sky greets the sad light of the moon I feel the hole throb again reminding me of its missing occupant. It longs to be healed like any wound does but how do you fix a hole so large? Misfortune, death, and our worst enemy man himself (including myself) are to blame for the sorrow, the doubt, and the anger I feel. Ive become a shell because of it, hollow on the inside. I can hear my own thoughts and memories echo inside, constantly playing their sad tune. Its a maddening sound. All I want is to feel normal again but I know that I will never be whole again because I am already dead and nothing has brought me back to life. Dying on the inside is worse then death itself. Death at least is kind enough to remove you from the role you’ll no longer play.
your halo of gold
i take it
i steal you away chil’
to my palace
in the darkness
i shape you
red and black
you are mine
out into the sun
into the moonlight
break them chil’
kill their babies
poison their water
burn their crops
break the glass
make them crumble
as they turn to ash
go forth chil’
leave your chocolate behind
and become the devil
this world will end
burn them all
This world… Has no peace.
You may scream and beg… Your pleas are vetoed.
Curse and yell all you want… You’re brushed to a lonely dark.
Every shuddering pain… Overlaps your life.
Sitting in this moon tonight.
Its light almost blinds me..
I feel vulnerable to natures grasp.
Soon… I hope I’m as cold as the ground I lay.
I see him everywhere i go
and never does he leave me alone
he was there at the very first time when stuff went down
he was there when miles got shut down , yeah i seen him , with my owe eyes .
he even watched me lose my mind.
laughing , with a happy smile.
when you walk the road he walks with you ,hes part of your shadow,so real and true
hes always round the corner , looking out,watching when the sun sets and when the moon shines.
at moments of despair he sees me ,watching out
ready to catch me,at this moment of weakness
ready to drop hes prey , he does this , at the very best
that is hes proffession , they call him the devil
i call him my man , he says to me how do you do
and i never reply back
but once i did , i answered
he came round the corner ,
a cold look in hes eyes , and only thing i understood is , goodbye
he gets to every person , every living soul , hes there in anytime and any minute , looking to get ya,
and if you try to escape , he’ll make sure to catch ya,
there is no hope with him , only misery and sadness
around the corner he waits you , its that easy to catch you .
i wish there would be hope , but nothing is left
and only way to seperate from him is one .
they call it death , and thats what you do , just to get away , cause once you made the deal , thats the only way.
Butterflies rise from the lake, born of it through white wings.
The night comes at them like a brigand, but unknowingly they float through the air towards the luminescent moon.
To float far away from home, shall draw blood from their wings
rippling the water; changing what once was so clear to a dark red.
The butterflies are struck by the night and blinded by their own blood, falling deep into the red, to be revived forever more.
Life is looking beautiful. As I’m finally looking up at seeing that there’s so much more than darkness. Everyday though there’s still the time when the sun finally goes down and the light slowly fades. There’s always the moon after the sun and stars to help shine light upon us. Some shine brighter than others but those others are still shining but then you have the stars that have burnt out and faded. Reminds me of life on the ground. Life is beautiful. Life is every where. Some of us fall an most of us stand up. Don’t give up guys. Remember, sadness is contagious.
There isn’t any place as welcoming and unforgiving as it. Actually, that’s wrong. Hitting rock bottom means everything you have done may not be tolerable, but maybe it might be forgivable in the next life. And so here we sit. Alone. Cold. Empty. Loving and hating every second of it. Loving, because the hatred gives you power. Something to feel. I’d rather feel bitter than this damned sadness all the time. Ignorant to other emotions. Numb. The soft buzzing in your ears allows you to focus on your own problems. That’s all everyone is doing, anyways. Dealing with their own problems. What’s it to you if mine are complicated?
Hating, because as empowering as it feels you don’t want to be there. Not essentially. You know that some how, some where, there are smiling people who are happy and have real nice lives and that’s how everyone should feel, right? Hating. You feel absent from them.Â Different.Â As though you live under the same moon but you couldn’t be worlds apart.
I know. I know, and I have been there, and I am still there. For those of you who read this and think this is complaining, read on. I envy you the thought that such a place exists. But for those of you like me(the ones who are considerably stronger) know that you are not alone. That at least someone, some where, has had a slight idea of such pain.
So let me tell you a little about myself. My name is Skylar. I am 18 years old. I graduated in June from highschool ontime. My life was on track. I was senior, ready for university, ready to get on with my life. Ready to make my mark on the world. Then things got complicated…..
If this gets good responses, I will put up another part to this. Thanks for your time. All criticism appreciated.
It doesn’t matter to the sun.Â If I go or if I stay.Â The sun will rise like its just another day.Â It doesn’t matter to the sun no it only matters to me.Â It doesn’t matter to the world if I jump or if I drown.Â It will just keep turning round, turning round like it did the day before.Â It doesn’t matter to the world no.Â It only matters to me.Â It doesn’t matter to the moon if I cry tonight alone.Â That moon will just keep hanging round, hanging round, shine on some other woman’s dreams.Â You see it doesn’t matter to the moon no, it only matters to me.Â It doesn’t matter to one’s I love if I die or if I live.Â Â They are only concerned with what I have to give.Â It doesn’t matter to the love one’s it only matters to me.Â So what can I say what can I do.Â I’m too afraid to act afraid to do.Â If I’m dead already what can I do?Â Death’s not the end of the world no its just the end of mine.
the crisp smell of Autumn,
the soft crunch of snow
the pattern of pebbles,
a star’s milky glow.
the whistle of wind,
the dampness of dew
the rustle of leaves,
a deep sunset hue.
the curl of a cloud,
the pale of the sky
the stripes of an oak,
a dove’s peaceful cry.
the fragrance of flowers,
the sweet smell of pine
the aroma of rain,
a moon’s lovely shine.
the rumble of thunder,
the hum of close cars
the sigh of a drizzle,
and the silence of stars.
the tranquil of twilight,
the ebony of night
the soothing of sleep,
â€¦ For now all is right.
â€œI no longer need you to fuck me as hard as I hated myself. Make love to me, like you know I am better than the worst thing I ever did. Go slow. Iâ€™m new to this, but I have seen nearly every city from a rooftop, without jumping. I have realized that the moon did not have to be full for us to love it. We are not tragedies stranded here beneath it.â€
I stumbled on this on youtube. I think its supposed to be inspirational. I think its supposed to make people feel better.
It doesnt. It makes me realize that I indeed am a tragedy.
Those eyes are the most beautiful hue of blue I have ever seen. Eyes associated with a complexion that forces even the moon to dull in shine. Surrounding this perfect entity is bliss. A crude seduction is overwhelming as I feel a confidence rise up within me. We are perfect for each other and everyone knows it.Â My knees go weak knowing he senses my pull towards him. As he walks over to present his hand, all the eyes in the room are fixed on us. I accept. Gorgeous does no justice to the angelic footsteps gliding me around the room. My cheeks turn red as my thoughts of us grow stronger. I can feel the essence of God within him as my hand falls to his chest. He is tender, warm and inviting. He loves me and I love him. He has a hold on me and I realize I can spend eternity in his arms.
His embrace gets tighter and tigher as I start to breathe slower and slower. There is a slight sense of pain but it fades as he tells me I am safe with him. We start to dance again as I start to see faded spots around me. I feel like I am floating as I hold his hand tighter for fear that I may loseÂ consciousness. Â I embrace this feeling of suffocation presented for me. The world spins as I spin and everything is beautiful. I close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulders. Helplessly in his misery, I continue to dance with the devil in paradise.
Poem and how I’m feeling
I log on to my pc
I built it with my own hands and money
I see the backdrop of a starry sky and moon
In my ear I have a music box tune running
And tears are trying to flood into the room
A simple child’s song that brings out memories I wish I had
Each little tinkle, trickle and bom
A music box, xylophone, a trumpet and an instrument unknown
From innocence it sends me
Unto the darker strokes that bring the sadness to the fore
It highlights a lot of inconsistencies
And points out a lot of hard choices I’ve had to make
Ridding of friends I did not know how to handle
And my brain trying to force me to regret
The tune so simple and light to start
Is the same that towards the end breaks my heart
These tears welling into my eyes
Yes they some how refuse to fall
I tried to cry earlier and yet they hang on the rim
So I did things to make myself happy
Unfortunately the happiness remained dim
Strange one I am who had a friendm call to brighten my day
I love them with my heart and soul
Yet I’m so tired even with rest that I just didn’t want to play
So I’m sitting here soul crying and writing this poem
Or maybe it’s not a poem at all
Just a parallel of words that make sense
That cost no cents
And allow me to release
But I’m not feeling much better
I’ve played my video games
And visited my online Second Realm
But everything is mixed together
Yes that means both virtual and real are hell
I long for an escape
And though death is what I seek
I’m feeling to cowardly lazy and weak
Meek? Na I don’t think so
I’d still be living humbly
And be gratefully so
I still have my doctor on my mind
But that would be my own fault
If I could have had an honest sign
I’d know what to do
And proceed best I can
But no signs exist
So I continue to deal with this hand
And no I cannot cheat
I tried before
Weed does not work
Nor does alcohol
Cutting got boring
And hitting myself in the head?
I tried the saner of it all
I could try hard drugs
And force myself to ingest liquors against my body’s will
But what point would it be if I’d be worse ill
I’m still dreaming of that farm
So far it would be from here
A dog and wife
No children not here
While in physical pain
Working hard in the fields
With a weak hip and bad legs
My arms can take a beating
My chest? Not so much
My abdomen is flabby
And back? Please don’t touch
I’d have my hoe and rake
Mud covered hands and old boots caked
My skin would be dirty and weathered
And my eyes a pale brown would scan the scape
My wife would look me in the eyes
She knows I’m tired
She knows I ache
She knows i’d stay in the fields till my dying day
But that doesn’t stop her from pulling me in to get my rest
To prepare for the next day and try to pass it’s tests
A warm bowl of stew and day old bisquits
All the hard work did provide this
And though it wasn’t much she placed love in the dish
The love I put into the fields is combining with this
We eat and our hearts and bellies are full
And with gratitude I offer to do the night’s cleaning
My bones and back can ache all they want
But nothing will stop me from showing the love I have before I’m gone
I’ll stop here because this poem turned into a story.
And I am not known for my brevity.
I still feel no better
Whatever burden this is it’s heavey
Something so heavy my tears are kept from flowing
And my ears are aching
Ah now I remember it’s the music box memories that are overtaking.
i hate wen people argue with you for ten minutes then say(well this conversation aint going anywere)ya, it never goes any were after you get all your words in to the very last one,you say what you want, after you get your last word in then the conversation aint going anywere?ten fucking minutes, seriously, then someone hurts you and they say get over it, and act like its so easy, then you say something rude to them, and they never get over it, wtf?do i really only know a bunch of dumb fucks?then i cant even ask a question even though they can, then they say(you think the world revolves around you)first off, it dont take a genious to know that the planet revolves around the sun on an invisible line called its axis,im not no sun, and i aint no damb moon,if i thought the world revolved around me i would have to be pretty damb hot, on fire,and i would go off and try to rule the dam world, not just from asking a simple little question!
… I get closer to walking away. I see around me the stupidity in this world and I see it reflected in your reaching, pathetic eyes. I see the moon in all it’s naked glory blinding me till I want to tell the ***** to put some clothes on, or she’ll end up just like you. Just like you and your total lack of control over yourself. You and your fucking retardation that blinds you to the patterns of cause and effect in your life. How dare you have the audacity to look me in the eye and lie to me?
You can’t possibly take me on and hope to survive. Because at the end of the day you might be a far more manipulative bastard, but I find out how to hurt you before I bother to care about helping you. And I pinpointed you long ago.
In the last quarter of the twentieth century
much of the world sat on the edge of an increasingly expensive theater seat
waiting for something momentous to occur.
Christian aficionados of the Second Coming scenario were convinced that,
after two thousand years, the other shoe was about to drop.
And five of the era’s best-known psychics predicted
that Atlantis would soon reemerge from the depths.
To this last, Princess Leigh-Cheri responded,
“There are three lost continents: we are one: the lovers.”
In whatever esteem on might hold Princess Leigh-Cheri’s thoughts, one must agree
that the last quarter of the twentieth century was a severe period for lovers.
It was a time a time when romantic relationships took on the character of ice in spring,
stranding many little children on jagged and inhospitable floes.
Nobody quite knew what to make of the moon anymore.
Consider a certain night in August.
The moon was so bloated it was about to tip over.
For more than an hour, Leigh-Cheri stared into the sky.
“Does the moon have a purpose?” She inquired.
The same query put to the Remington SL3 elicited this response:
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question
is whether to kill yourself or not.
Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question
is whether time has a beginning and an end.
Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed,
and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
There is only one serious question. And that is:
Who knows how to make love stay?
Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself.
Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and end of time,
Answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon.
i run from the blackness i keep trying to complete my task
your’e so hard to love i keep trying i sware to you i do
i keep laughing at all the bad things i’ve done and what i will do
why is the darkness chasing me
why do i keep losing my bereath
the ground cracks and crumbles beneath my feet
i fall and fall then i hit somthing it go’s right through me
what has happened to me
my eyes open it was just a dream but my bed is soaked with blood
there is a man by my bed he steps into the stream of light from the moon
i know him!!! i know him!!!!!Â
“what did i do” i ask ” you said somthing !!!!!” “what did i say?!?!?!?”
“you told the world the truth!!!!” then i fall in to the darkness once more
Â but this time i leave feeling hopeless
Why go up if your just going to come crashing back down again? This is a question I ask myself everyday day night and pretty much all in between as well, but now you must be curious why well thatâ€™s a long storyâ€¦ better put down your homework and ipod and listen up if you really want to knowâ€¦ you know on the other hand play angels on the moon in a constant loop that how Iâ€™m feeling right now so that will probably fir to what Iâ€™m writing.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Hi, my name is *Kie*. And yes I am aware it rhythms, been told many a time not to mention I realized it the first time I said it anyway I am a strange person, whoâ€™s leads a confusing life at least for me it is right nowâ€¦ maybe getting out on paper will help but I donâ€™t know, but at least Iâ€™ll have something to give people when they ask who I am. That question has always bothered me though; if we are all unique then why do we stereotype ourselvesâ€¦ and donâ€™t tell me we donâ€™t we do all the time! Now I am not going to be hypocritical here I do it to, in fact my life pretty much revolves around me trying to figure out who me is. I will tell you I few thing I know I like to listen to music and it often depicts what mood Iâ€™m in, I am really random, and I am somewhat sarcastic.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â So this is some sappy story about how a girl suffered some problems from the looks of it maybe some big ones and now is living her happily ever after that or she killed herself. Well in this case it neitherâ€¦ closer to one then the other perhaps but you know that goes with what I first said up down thatâ€™s an active description of my life. Iâ€™m going to tell you a little bit about my past first because otherwise you will never know how I got to where I am, But also something you should know abut me I like quotes, the ones I write myself or the ones others write. I was born on November 11, 1993, in Saint Maryâ€™s Hospital in Madison, WI at 11:33 pm. After my first week of life I made my first of many moves, still in Madison then about. Well exactly fourteen months, six days, five hours, ten minutes, and a couple of seconds I went from being an only child to having a younger sister Grace.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Ok fast forwarding a little bit I learned both Dutch and English growing up (before preschool) but now can only understand Dutch not speak itâ€¦ Iâ€™m still good on the English haha. Anyway I started my educational journey at *** Elementary. Odd name I am aware but, I have some good memories from there like finding a runaway gingerbread man and digging up worms on the playground, why yes I do have a good memory J.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Then I moved schools to *******, kindergarten was good Ms. ***was a sweet angel that really helped me through my first real year of school. I absolutely loved kindergarten, I actually did make one enemy but we made up later and are still friends today, anyway as I was saying I was popular and everybody liked me, not because I had the best clothes or newest electronic, but because I was nice, funny, and loved to help. That may sound conceited but hey itâ€™s the truth, and I distinctly remember my big buddy (8th grader) saying to enjoy this time because it will all change, at the time I was confused but NOW I know what he was saying. First grade and second grade were fine spelling tests were difficult and I always had to study (by the way I still canâ€™t spell very well haha) but you know we canâ€™t al be good at everything. Anyway my third grade teacher Ms. ***, she made me write stories in my notebook at home; she said I was behind in my writing skills. STOP! You will see this come back to haunt me, you see because of this one innocent moment in this teachers life, she probably doesnâ€™t even remember it, but I do, and It was the thing that makes me push myself so hard in school, because I never want to be behind again. Socially in third grade something amazing happened I have a friend named * and we were both friends with a girl who was really kind of bossy and mean, so she took it literally got me out of that situation, and took the fall for it. If you have no idea what Iâ€™m saying itâ€™s all right, I speak from a pretty cultured social reader view. In other words * dropped me as a friend making the other girl drop me as a friend, and so I was once again free.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Fourth and fifth grade was not to great I started to lose some weight and get more hyper. Oh and I had to be first, in everything, I could not help it first in line, first one outside, well you get the point anyway in sixth grade I made a drastic decision when my grades began to drop, one that I will never be able to take back, and put me through almost everything I have been trough began or had itâ€™s roots in this decision. I was going to public school, but not just any public school, I was going to **** Middle School.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â This was not a tough decision no of course it wasnâ€™t not at the time, my grades beginning to slip and this school would be easier, plus two of my cousins were going there, one with me in sixth grade, ****, and one in eighth grade, ****. This brings me to a small problem, I donâ€™t remember all that much from sixth grade, my therapist, current one, says (thatâ€™s right a see a therapist if you donâ€™t like it you can suck it), anyway she sayâ€™s I have so PTSD from it. Iâ€™ll tell you what I do know, the classes were easy, I got straight Aâ€™s, I was off the wall hyper and yes still had to be first, I got verbally abused everyday by just about everybody. I was pushed around a bit in the hallways, but you know I just was so resilient, my parents sent me to my first therapist then and of course like every other person she did not know what was wrong with meâ€¦ there is a pattern here people I swear I always know whatâ€™s wrong or at least what I not wrong, and they missed diagnosed me with a mild anxiety disorder HA! Yeah those meds did nothing for me. In truth I was more suffering from depression during this time than anything else, hyper yes but depressed also a yes. Anyway I did have one friend during this time her name was ****, and we walked to school together, and hung out after school, her parents were always pretty strict and hard on her about everything plus they more treated her as a maid then anything else. But because of this hyper thing I never really didnâ€™t talk or hang out with her much at school. I didnâ€™t really have many emotions kind of lost them that year, and Iâ€™ll be sure to let you know when I get them back haha, you may not find the humor but when your like me you have to find the humor in things like this or they will eat you alive. Anyway I had a great teacher at this time Ms. **** I have since gone back and seen her several times, to try to get closure but I am kind of realizing that will never happen.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Iâ€™m sorry Iâ€™m not quite finished with that part yet you see while verbal abuse and being pushed around a bit may scare you for life; it apparently wasnâ€™t enough for me. You see this next thing I play in my head so well, but after this I honestly canâ€™t remember what happened until I went back about a week later. I was supposed to be in choir class but the seventh graders had a concert coming up so all the sixth graders had to sit in the stands of the gym, while they rehearsed. Now donâ€™t get me wrong this was incredibly fun, note the sarcasm. Nonetheless I was sitting in front of two girls *** and ****, and **** was really bored and decided to entertain herself by cutting off my hair. No I am not kidding, she grabbed a pair of school scissors and cut off my hair. Now I low and behold was not aware of this I kept feeling something hit my back but I was used to that and didnâ€™t pay much attention, but then ***** scooted down next to me and told me what had happened and that they were planning to then tape my hair to my locker. Class was not over, I had to sit there knowing that there was this big, scary girl behind me that just cut off my air and I wanted so badly to start crying or yelling but I knew I couldnâ€™t so as soon as the bell rang at three oâ€™clock I raced to my locker grabbed my books and left without saying a word to Marissa, and she being concerned told my teacher something had happened. I raced home on my bike, probably broke a world record I was so upset I remember getting home, crying, and calling my mom to tell her what happened, but thatâ€™s it.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â The next thing I remember I was going back to school for the last week. I was told I didnâ€™t have to but it was the last week, so I said I did. There was a big mistake, people were full of fake sympathy and after they learned I was ok they went back to their own little lives, that is one thing I still hate today fake sympathy. But not everyone was filled with at least fake sympathy, no someone felt it necessary to back me up against a wall in the gym and tell me exactly why I got my hair chopped off. And yes, my life is like a slope just keeps going down with the occasional up. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Well that about wraps up what I can remember in sixth grade, to say the least it was educational. I was still pretty hyper but there was n way my parents were going to let me go back to **** for another year, and heck I wasnâ€™t asking, so I returned to ******. Oh and for your information during the duration of since I last said I moved houses and now I moved another three or four times.Â
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Seventh grade was intense I like it in the beginning of the year but the came October.Â I was getting ice cream with my sister and two cousins I have previously mentioned. Anyway we were at the Chocolate Shop, and I ordered a chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups, my favorite at the time, and possibly still is, get to that part later, I suddenly had the feeling I couldnâ€™t breath. Well my mom being a nurse quickly brought my cousins and sister home and asked if I needed an ambulance I said no, but I have been in one donâ€™t you worry haha. I get off subject a lot if you havenâ€™t already noticed, but heck thatâ€™s just me. I still went to the emergency room with my mom, in all honest truth it sort of stopped happening somewhere in between the three emergency rooms we went to before we found on that worked with our insurance company.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â A young intern saw me and well asked me what happened and I described it to her she then perceived by feeling my neck and Iâ€™m sorry boys but Iâ€™m no slut and it was really weird and uncomfortable. Preceding that she and my mother literally dragged me to get my blood drawn, then like a three-hundred pound woman sat on me to try to get me to stay still so they could get the needle in, well since I was pretty much flattened they took my blood, and it hurt like hell. A few days, weeks I donâ€™t really know they called I had a hyperthyroid, I know many of you will not know what this is but itâ€™s that thing in your neck that control thing like metabolism and hormones anyway mine was working way to much and screwing me all up. My heart rate was 160, (not good) haha. So I had two options surgery or drink radioactive iodine. I went the iodine route, about another week after that I went in drank this stuff that tasted like warm salt water, almost threw it back up again, the problem was gone, right? Haha I wish, no I had to stay away from all people for forty-eight hours or they risked radioactive waves protruding from you guessed it, me. For about three months they did nothing, which then made me hypothyroid, in other word I got really fat and slow. This is where I got some of my weight issues. Then came the numerous blood draws, and other things of that nature. About three months after they started me on my medication to balance me out, I was told I could not eat sugar anymoreâ€¦ yeahâ€¦ I donâ€™t really follow this rule anymore.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Ok well you know what was happening medically with me, but lets not forget I am also attending school all during this time. I started to wear baggy clothes, and I was a friend with a controlling manipulative *****, ****. But still lonely and depressed from sixth grade from having no friends, I fell right into her trap. She had me do things I would never have done before, her parents probably made her that way, Her mother was just a smoking gambling mess, and her father a heavy drinker who cheated on her mother and that ended in divorce about a girl that was old enough to be ****â€™s sister. She used these sorts of thing to invite you in, and then threaten to tell secrets if you wanted to break friendship. And didnâ€™t want you to have friends other than her, very possessive, in other words she could have other fiends but you couldnâ€™t. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Do you remember *? Yes thatâ€™s right flip back to refresh your memory haha. Well she had already fallen victim to ****, and well I still owed her, and this was my chance. She got out, and I died, that was not the first and defiantly not the last time I have died. But I was blinded by the thought of having a friend that even when everyone around told me she was bad news, I wouldnâ€™t listen. BEEP! Lets screw everything up for a second and go back a while, I have been making up stories in my head since I could last remember, and it didnâ€™t freak me out to much until they started coming true. But later, later right now I just wanted to get the point across that I have been looking for the perfect guy for a really long time, the one who would sweep me off my feet and save me. Haha I know you are like why the heck is she telling me this well youâ€™ll figure it out later.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â â€œWeâ€™re moving!â€ All right Iâ€™m not going to lie here this phrase does not shock me not now, and not then. But what if we added to *state*, that was a little more shocking. At this point I was just staring to see clearly at what **** was doing plus my whole hyperthyroid phase kin of ruined my chances of a normal friend relationship at my school at my school so I was ok. HAHA! Yes, this is what I told them, my sister has always been the drama queen of the family so I have always felt that I should more contain my emotions then show them, I have always felt that *sister* was enough for them to handle, so I in turn am more distant and reserved with my feelings.
Well we did it, moved, to a giant house in *city*, *state*. Then comes the next thing, I call them mistakes, but truthfully they make me who I am today, whether thatâ€™s good or bad, or just how it is.Â I began to attend ****, a small Catholic school, uniforms and all. Well the weekend before I started a few girls came over from my new school, and well I have been bad at making friends so I was really nervous. It went fine but they gave me a full on warning donâ€™t trust and donâ€™t mess with ***. Now you must understand every school I go in bright eyed and bushy tailed, with all my hopes and dreams that Iâ€™ll make tons of friends, yeahâ€¦ right. Well once again I went in with this wish and instead got a group of fourteen other girls all deathly afraid of angering one, yes, good job you guessed it ***. Now you must understand I gave her a chance, but when she turned up *****, I was so sick of getting pushed around I stood up for myself, and messed with her little, I called her a ***** made her hate me, told her sheâ€™s not niceâ€¦ you get the point. But she wasnâ€™t used to getting messed with and yeahâ€¦ that kind of ruined my chances there, I actually ended up having to stay silent because anything I said she would somehow twist into something she could use against me. So that was not a fun year. When I got so desperate for attention I actually started crying in school I couldnâ€™t help it, no would give a shit about me otherwise. No one cared about me, much less what I did. When it came time to write compliment cards I got some nice ones saying sorry and Iâ€™m impressed with you, they all werenâ€™t strong enough. I was a kind of friend with a guy during this time an n emotional release of sorts but he was using me to get information and used guilt to get what he wanted. And I once again relapsed into the whole falling victim in loneliness. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Sometime at the end of that we moved again to a smaller house, and thatâ€™s where I am now sitting in my room typing out my life story like an old dying person, the difference being I am a young dying person.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And yes I stare at pill bottles, and yes I think about suicide everyday, but I have mood swings so big I never know if itâ€™s what I am truly feeling or if itâ€™s just in the moment. I burn myself with hot wax. And now I just donâ€™t know what to do, because everyone sees me happy and if I tell him or her they donâ€™t believe meâ€¦ so that knocks me down and makes me not want to tell anyone elseâ€¦ I am just lost.Â