To start off, my parents divorced when i was really little. My dad remarried almost 4 years ago. In those 4 years living with my dad and stepmom, my dad started to really force his religion on all of us. My stepmom had 5 kids in her previous marriage, but only 2 live with us. Z (male) and K (female). My dad is mormon, and from what i’ve heard from my friends, when i told them my dad’s religion, they all groaned and said things like “Oh my god, Mormonism? Really? I feel so sorry for you. Mormons are super controlling”. From my experience, what they say is so true. My dad is really controlling and forced mormonism on me. Everyone else in my stepmom’s family got baptised, but after i turned 13, I realised how much i actually didn’t want to be mormon. From my experience, i’ve learned that mormons are really shallow-minded and don’t like hearing others’ opinions. Especially when i came out as bisexual, my dad and stepmom weren’t very happy (apparently mormons are also very homophobic, transphobic and slightly racist). They said that they were disappointed in me. I hated them since then. I also live with my mom once in a while, thank god. Despite having a divorce, my birth parents actually get along very well. When came out to my mom, she was supportive and cared. I was happy. That’s also when i learned that my parents got divorced mainly because my mom didn’t want to join the church. This terrifies me. Because i knew right there and then that i was the black sheep in my family. I hated everyone too. I also decided to have no religion. Now as an atheist, i feel more free, except that my dad still tries to convince me to be mormon, but it’s not going to work. Family-wise, i think the worst part is over. Thanks for reading my story. I really appreciate it 🙂 I just needed to get this off my chest and now it feels amazing to get it out there.
snippets from a journal I write, to try and not spill all this into my personal life and job; better on paper, and better left where some will agree and sympathize.
This is the modern world — if you are over 45 and out of work, you cannot expect a good job or a salary that is more than basic sustenance. There will be no retirement, no golden years, no health care, no public assistance. By not having amassed wealth, I became of no value to this country. I am miserable about the state of this country, half the citizens clamoring for more breaks for the super wealthy and less help for the needy. That anyone who isn’t well off doesn’t deserve to be. I DON’T feel the world owes me a living, but I didn’t recognize it’d kick me to the curb repeatedly no matter how well I did my job. I don’t hate the wealthy exactly; I hate the worship of wealth and the idiocy of the voting masses who think that it’s un American to render assistance to the poor or ask the wealthy to pay taxes. I hate how people who inherited wealth think anyone who didn’t was guilty of having lazy parents and being a failure. I hate how corporations ruin their employees and companies in search of that 1% more profit. And that we are poised to elect a psychotic billionaire Mormon whose entire career is making wealth by destroying jobs – he’s running on a promise to create jobs. He’s never created a job beyond cleaning his toilets. But he isn’t black, he is richer n shit, and he shows no compassion, and that’s all that matters to enough Americans that vote.
Hate the world I live in. Have totally given up on adding anything to it, just waiting for nature to subtract me from it. I envy the world of my grandparents – every one of them retired with a decent pension from an employer, and I don’t recall any of them being laid off or fired in the last ten years of their career. I am certain the core of my depression is the ability to realistically contemplate the future; if i had some hope of retiring with even my basic needs met, I could be less hopeless. But I know the truth. I, like most Americans, am one bad health diagnosis away from utter poverty and misery. I toil at my job just to be able to afford rent and utilities. what little I have saved will end up in the hands of some mega corporation when I need health care; by that time there will be no assistance from our government. I’ll lose my house as well as my health. People unable to work will be simply left to die in misery. America now runs for and by corporations, who have done a great job of convincing their victims that this is the American way: “fuck you if you’re not rich” “if you’re not me, you can die in the gutter, I do not give a shit”
So here we sit, richest nation on Earth, denying health care and unemployment benefits, worshipping athletes and celebrities, heaping a billion dollars on the Avengers movie while charities go unfunded and collapse, and calling our selves the greatest nation on Earth while ranking near the bottom in education, vacation, infant mortality, employment and sanity.
I AM headed to a shrink later this month – earliest appointment I could get was one month away, more proof that we have The Best Health Care In The World – for the one percent All that bullshit horror talk about having to wait weeks for help in countries with universal health care? Well, I wait as long or longer here, AND I pay for it, so for this average-incomed individual, our health care is not so great.
I have been extremely depressed and doing a bit of minor self-harm for months now. The better job ignited hope briefly, but then the doomed feeling returned. HOWEVER. I am introspective and, on some subjects, quite rational. And rationally, I know my life is not bad. I have (details follow) plenty of friends suffering incredibly poor health, family strife, all sorts of things i can compare to my own life and SHOULD be able to recognize I don’t really have it so bad. Knowing all that has had zero impact on my mood. Hence the decision to go to a shrink.
I have all the suggestions of friends and plenty of previous experience with crushing depression: exercise, “find something you like to do”, “make goals”, make new friends, go to church, volunteer to help the needy, etc. None of them are helping. My brain seems committed to making me unhappy. I can’t easily enjoy the little things that I used to pretty much live for! Music is the one thing that still stirs my soul and changes my mood. Drawing alleviates the pain and encourages self worth, but again, for only instants. It can’t beat back the swell of tide of hopelessness and ennui.
I can be briefly recharged by a nice thunderstorm, a breezy day – there are occasional sights and sounds that transcend this pitiful existence and take me somewhere magical. Alas, it fades the instant I am reminded of real life. Well, what am I saying?? Nature IS real life. It’s this artificial life that crushes me, this social agreement to ignore truths and embrace lies. The age-related feeling of being removed from, and puzzled by, what seems vitally important to most Americans: shoes, sports, celebrity trains wrecks. Dismay listening to youngsters espouse right-wing hatred and greed and intolerance for lifestyles that have ZERO impact on them. I know it’s all cyclical; this generation of right wing war zealots and money worshippers will likely be followed by one that rejects mindless consumerism and celebrity worship. But right now, the society I live in, makes me puke.
Oh yeah, friends. We all know there comes an age when your friends start getting diagnosed and dying.. and it isn’t fun. I am in amazingly good health except for my brain. I have watched one of my best friends lose a foot to diabetes, and have a stroke to boot, and he forges ahead full of positive energy, will to live, and always sees the bright side. Another suffered kidney failure, never companied once, even though on dialysis every other day. I did not even know of the situation till she got a new kidney. She too, is full of life and will to live longer. Another is undergoing bone grafting. So, make no mistake, I KNOW it is idiotic and selfish to be wallowing in despair and wishing for death while so many friends exhibit bravery and will to live despite GENUINE hardships. My hardships are all imaginary, and even at that, petty. But I am struggling to find happiness, and failing utterly.
I am also aghast to have squandered a few friendships recently. I’ve lost a few good ones lately over my depressed mood and debating skills. Goddamn Facebook; it is the Krell machine. By removing the personal aspect of communication, by removing the cues of body language and facial expression, the gap of misunderstanding and anger has grown gigantic. I say things I’d know better than to say in public; I misread the intent of my friends; they misread my debate as an attack. Other friends have simply drifted away to avoid being exposed to such a downer.
Food is the enemy. I want to eat comfort food, one of the handful of things that I still enjoy. But having eaten makes me guilty and fat. I can’t stand seeing myself in a mirror, given how far I’ve regressed to my pre-diet size. I exercise, but lose no weight; I eat, and hate haven eaten. Not eating encourages lethargy and depression; eating is a dull chore unless its something that puts the pounds – and guilt and self-loathing – on.
WHAT is my point, you may ask? Well, the only reason to post this is the main reason i read posts here — to see if I am alone in these thoughts or have company. I see I have plenty of company. I’m too old to relate to the teens contemplating suicide over lost love or bad grades, but also see many youths who have a painfully clear picture of what it takes to survive this shithole of a society: extreme, utter denial of reality. Taking an objective, rational look at the world we live in will fill most sane peopole with dread. When, like me, you are insane, it just makes you want to jump off a cliff into a stump grinder.
And if we did? Friends and family would mourn a bit, and within weeks return to their lives. We matter not one whit. And when mankind goes extinct, there will be much celebration in the universe.