Every time I hear someone has died, or someone has lost someone special to them, not only do I feel sorrow for the person in mourning because they are in unbearable pain, but I feel sorrow because my life should have been taken, not theirs. Why must the “good die young” and if that is true, then is this earth truly hell? What must I do to be called to heaven? Isn’t my pain here enough? Isn’t it a cruel irony that suicide is a selfish act? Wouldn’t it be a mercy? Why must good be taken so early, and why must those who are […]
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mourning
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Warning – really long and pathetic post
So I still want to kill myself. And every time I think about this, I think about the reasons I shouldn’t, or why I haven’t already. And most of the time I realize I’m just living out of fear of something. Like the possibility of an afterlife. I think I overcame this. And the other major one, which I think I overcame a few months ago, is the idea of my mother mourning me. I’ve never liked it when my mother expressed her love for me (which I think is common for teenagers with low self-esteem – even though I’m […]
It was only the first time.
I spun the blade around in my hands
contemplating if I should really do this or not.
I heard my mom yell.
Yes, I should, It’s worth it.
The blade sank into my arm,
cutting across my arm.
Not too deep.
It was only the second time.
The kids at school were bullies.
My parents just got mad.
I took the blade in my hands.
I didn’t even think about it.
I pushed it into my arm,
cutting across parallel to the last one,
A little deeper.
It was at least the 50th time.
I didn’t even have different reasons anymore.
Today I found out that my Great Grandmother died of pneumonia last night in hospital. And I felt nothing. We were fairly close and I liked her far more than my Grandma. But when I heard she’d died… nothing. Nothing at all. I felt nothing for her death.
What makes me sad is the impact it has on the rest of my family. I nearly cry when I think about my Great Grandad having to hear his wife’s passed away and my Grandad hearing he’s lost his mother. It makes me really sad to see my mum so not herself. I can’t help but comfort my relentlessly […]
So. Its my 20th birthday, yet life isn’t anymore exciting. I tried everything; moving away, moving back, sex, drugs, its all not working. I took the nursing program so my mom would just get off my back. Drew, my boyfriend and I moved into the basment at dads. Its been great for the first few months, but everything is getting so boring and life is becoming so repetetive. Yesturday is clashing with today, and no doubt tomorrow. Well I guess its time to go out, I’m almost 20.
I meet up with Sam and Sie, and I try my most authetic smile, because though they’re […]
The love of my life. How can I have a life without him? Lung cancer, about 3 months ago. At home. In my arms. Thank the universe for hospice, because it was painless and peaceful. He was 55. Handsome, bright, knowledgeable—everything to me.
I’m 59. I had to sell the business we were running together—he was the main ingredient—at a distressed price and feel lucky to have gotten out at all.
A lot of death in my life–my mother last year, my father (lung cancer) when I was 30, my twin brother (suicide) a few years later and then another brother (suicide–terminal renal cancer). I handled those […]