My parents took me in. I have no idea how I got here. I can’t figure out how to care about anything. I miss my ex like crazy. It’s been a long time and I still wish I could have her back. We were together six years and I really thought it was going to be forever. Now I’ve had 3 jobs since last year and can’t seem to hold anything down. I really just still want to end it but I’m afraid and know it would kill my parents. I’m not sure anyone else would care and not sure how to make friends or have someone in my life at this point. When do you know it’s just time to give up and your best years are behind you?
Thanks to those that read my posts about my ex. And for all the advice I got. I am in a much better place now.
My last post about him was how I let him go. It’s been about a month now. I feel better. I’m still depressed, but not nearly as much. I don’t find myself crying anymore. I don’t feel like I want to die. I feel like I can breathe now. Love is something else. Loss is crazy. Loss hurts like nobody’s business.
I don’t know where we’re going to end up – my ex and I. I say that because even now, I still don’t feel any real closure with him. Do people ever really get closure. We never had an official break up. Our break up consisted of “not at the moment”, “not right now”… and then having sex a month after breaking up. We broke up in January! Had sex in February. And I’m still in this. My heart is still half way in this. I had to let go, because even when we talked back in April, he was still flirty. He’s the one that broke up with ME and he still acts as if he wants me… but he doesn’t want me. That is why I had to let it go officially. Since letting him go he hasn’t contacted me. I haven’t contacted him. I didn’t even have a conversation with him either, I just told him to leave me alone basically and he has listened.
I’m opening myself up to the idea of dating. I met this guy that I work out with, he’s really sweet but I’m not sure if he’s interested. He seems to be the type of guy that has women as friends, so I can’t tell if he’s being just nice or if he could want more. I’m a shy person… But it feels nice to be legitimately interested in someone else, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. It feels like I’m letting go.
I do admit that part of me still wants my ex and I have a feeling he still wants me too, but it’s just not the right time for him to be serious with anyone. But I’m not sure. I don’t know. Which is why I let go. If we ever do get back together it has to be all or nothing though. I can’t stand the half/in between stuff we were doing, it was driving me crazy. I want a commitment.
But I am also opening myself up to other possibilities and I’m also letting myself get used to the reality that he could also meet someone else.
It feels scary and good letting go… I just wish that we had some sort of closure so I could stop hanging on to a hope, no matter how feeble it is…
so I don’t know but I think I’m going insane.
I can’t sleep well at night; I have terrors and wake up tired.
And today I got and F on my test; which is so so weird because I studied hard and when I took it I felt really good about it. I thought I aced it.
And on top of that my ex is sending me horrible emails. ( I’ve been not responding because I just don’t want him in my life). He’s saying horrible mean things to me. Which is really random and just plain mean. Idk why he’s doing that.
I don’t really know what’s going on, I just don’t feel right. My brain is not responding like it usually does.
Am I going crazy? Or maybe I’m just tired? Or is my mind breaking down and its trying to tell me? Has this happened to anyone? Where your mind is just not working properly.
I just broke down crying in front of my mom, I never cry in front of her.
Okay, so I know I talk my ex incessantly, but I never talk about my real pain. I am a caretaker for my 70 year old mother. I forgot to schedule her transportation (because she’s wheelchair bound) for an appointment she has had for months with her pain doctor.
My brain is scattered. I can barely put on my shoes and yet I am bogged down with EVERYTHING. I have to do everything under the sun for her because she is disabled. I also run a business at home and my only real free time is when I can escape to the gym… it was nice when I had my ex because at least I could lean on him for support.
I forgot to schedule transportation for her…. and she’s had the appointment scheduled for months. All day long I’ve been on the phone, trying to get someone to help her out. And nothing. It’s my fault. If she’s in pain, it’s my fault. Everything is my fault. I feel SO bad. She can’t get another appointment for MONTHS because the doctor is booked up. It’s all MY FAULT!!!
I feel so terrible. I told her… I told her that I probably shouldn’t be taking care of her. She looked scared but empathetic. Her choice would be a nursing home. I suffer from depression and anxiety… I have no business trying to take care of my mother.
I don’t know what to do……… To have this much weight on my shoulders…. I don’t wish it upon anybody.
I know you guys have been listening to my bullshit about my ex for quite some time. I finally made a huge step in parting ways with him. I guess I have had enough… enough wanting him… enough trying to be his friend…
We just need to be done with each other.
I can’t even put into words how hard this is/was….
Thank you to everyone here that gave me advice and would listen to my rants.
I just have to tell someone this to get it out of my system. Lately I’ve been trying to work on myself. My life has been chaotic recently and lately I’ve been trying to take care of the chaos and I’m finally feeling a little bit better. When I used to have stress in my life I would turn to my ex to just distract myself from my life. Without him as a crutch I was feeling like I was going to lose my dam mind and like I couldn’t get a handle on anything. Me not being able to deal with stress without him made me miss him more. I realized that it wasn’t actually him I was missing, but it was me being able to distract myself with him. I kinda feel bad because that’s like using him. I do love and care about him, and i’m extremely attracted to him. But I turned to him for the wrong reasons. That was wrong. But I realize that now and it’s making me feel a little bit better. I woke up this morning with some clarity.
Today I skimmed and read and skimmed and read hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of texts that my ex and I sent over the last year. They’re just there. In my phone. So much love. So much communication.
I know I need to delete it. I know I need to move on. What is wrong with me???
I succumbed to texting my ex. It’s a been almost 2 weeks since we vaguely texted each other. I told him that I need to be his friend and I asked him if he still even cared. He said “Yes, of course”. But he doesn’t act like it. He never asks me how I am or how my life is. It feels as if he is not my friend, not even a stranger on the street. Why am I hanging on to him like this? I’m actually starting to be completely turned off by him, sexually and in a friendly kind of way. Maybe this is what he wants. For me to just go, but he doesn’t have the heart to say it? I asked him to just say it, but he didn’t. Like if he just doesn’t want to know me anymore…. that would actually be more comforting than pretending or forcing a friendship that isn’t there.
I don’t even really feel sad, or depressed. I’m kind of pissed off. What kind of person just basically ignores you, when you try to have a friendly connection. And I honestly feel there now. Like I could be his friend… platonically. I feel as if I’m completely okay with him even dating. I just want to be his friend. To feel close. To laugh. To text and talk about things in a friendly manner, like friends do!
But he just isn’t there…even though he says he is. I’m so mad at him. And I hate begging, literally begging for his friendship. He was SUCH a deep part of my life for months. We spent nearly every minute together. And now it’s just… done. I don’t want to let go of some of it. I need his friendship or I don’t want it at all. I’m so close to just deleting our text messages. To just blocking him on the phone. To just staying away from him.
I know I always talk about my ex, but I can’t help it. He is a piece of my depression. A huge piece. I just want to tell someone… I haven’t checked my text messages in 11 days. I turned alerts off. I don’t even know if I have any new messages. I quit cold turkey. It’s like smoking. If he were a cigarette, I would be 11 days cigarette free. The problem is I don’t know if other people are messaging me. It’s not a big deal, it’s not as if I have a ton of friends… they have other ways to get in contact me if they wanted to.
As soon as I turned my messages off on my phone I felt so much relief. I stopped having panic attacks and my suicidal thoughts decreased. I still think of death, but… I was a mess before. Being away from him is good for me. I definitely can’t be his friend like he wants. I feel bad though. I completely cut him off. I know he isn’t as worried about it like I am. His thoughts are on himself, as it should be. And I know he must be tired of me. I wish him well, whatever he is doing…
My vacation is over Friday. I don’t even want to get into specifics, but I’ll have more stress and more on my shoulders. I don’t know what this will do to my depression. Before, when I had this stress I had my ex to distract me and make my life feel better. I don’t have that now. I just feel so alone and so overwhelmed.
Had another one of those bizarre dreams; that kind where you imagine someone is laying down right next to you. It was my ex lover, that person I had so much to say to before our relationship crumbled but never did and will never get the chance to do so. Maybe that’s why I dream about her so much, I think we both felt there was something left we could’ve held onto. So now here I am dreaming about the good times we had.. holding her, kissing he passionately, so many memories of our souls connecting as one.. also it’s funny, how much I hate to relive memories like that but I lay in bed for as long as I can to try and prolong my dreams just to feel some sort of stimulation in my life, because often they occur near the end of the REM cycle and I’m usually drifting in and out sleep. How pathetic I am that I still masturbate to the dead memories I have of her. I am such a fucking loser. Well, just another night in my fucked up life I suppose….
Is what my ex would tell me when I exposed just how screwed up I really am. Generally, yes, I am too smart for this. All of us here seem very intelligent and bright. I can literally see how I am and I give others fantastic advice. But when it comes to myself, when it comes to literally being me, I am just broken. I know I don’t make any sense and I can tell you exactly how I don’t make sense, yet I can’t stop not making sense.
Sometimes his words ring in my ear… he’s right. He always was. But I can’t seem to do anything about it!
I know, you’re like “duh, why else would you be here?” But ugh.
Last night there was a spider on my ceiling and I had a legit panic attack. Usually I kill the spider, but it just made me think about my ex that would save the spider and put it outside. I got on my bed and tried so hard to kill the spider, but I couldn’t. I laid down my bed and stared at the spider as my breathing and heart rate increased. I was thinking that it was a poisonous spider that would kill me in my sleep. But isn’t that what I want? To die? And what a perfect way to die than to get bit by a spider and then drift to death in my sleep.
I ended up killing the spider after gathering every ounce of strength I had. It was such a small spider that I felt ridiculous for overreacting. I just laid on my bed and fell asleep. I was exhausted. I tired myself out over a fucking spider.
I don’t know why I care so much, but yet I do. My ex is about to be homeless and penniless without a soul on earth around to help. He lives in Alaska so yeah pretty damn far away. His mom could pass away any day now. I’m scared of what could end up happening to him knowing his tendency to drink. He’s been sober for about 6 months just out of being penniless and having no way to get any money. I don’t want him in bad shape, in jail or dead. I’m so afraid for him and there’s nothing I can do.
Four years have passed since I last logged on here. I am still around and I wonder if Trent and jmvsic are around as well.
When I was last on, I was disconsolately picking up pieces of my heart that had been roundly drop kicked by my ex. My self-loathing was at an all time high. I had failed at relationships. And then I was failing at getting over that failure.
Life had become a monotonous track in my head around such familiar territories as: “WhyDoIStillLoveYousville” and “IAmTheWorst Town”.
Exactly two months after that I formed a reluctant crush on an a friend of a friend. One that I was determined to never, ever act on. And then he asked me out. We are getting married in four months time.
So why am I here? Do I love him? Absolutely. In a way that made what I had with my ex seem like the cheaper shop brand. Does he love me? Certainly seems to, though I never take that stuff for granted anymore (Once bitten. Twice paranoid.). So what is the problem?
I think the problem is me.
I think this has been a problem for far longer than I have acknowledged. Perhaps my whole life.
Something like a weird, cyclical depression.
I remember times in high school when I would, appropro of nothing, search for a place to hide so I could cry.
I remember sending suicide notes into the ether when I was in varsity. I sent them to a random hotmail address called “god”. “God” responded and turned out to be a really sweet guy named Steve and we became friends and corresponded for years.
I remember coming on here and pouring my heart out four years ago, because once more I felt like life had led me here.
But here’s the thing: life doesn’t lead me here. I lead me here. Once every few years a part of my brain seems to get tired of life.
I never talk about it to anyone in my life.
I absolutely would never seek help for this.
But every few years, a part of me fixates on the idea of just stepping off stage. Of just leaving it all behind. It is just that, until this moment, I have always had a life thing that might justify it.
This time I don’t. I am in a loving relationship. I am doing well at work. My family and friends appear to love me.
Yet, here I sit. Trying to stay still because in my mind there is a knife. And pills. There is the thought of inducing heart attacks and driving off the road. Yesterday I walked out of a work party because the burden of pretending that I wanted to be there became too heavy. I came home and cried. For absolutely no reason but the fact that I couldn’t not cry. And I have written a note.
I wonder if everyone feels like this at some point, and people here, people like you and me,we are the only ones that acknowledge it in words, written or spoken.
I know why I don’t. I don’t want medication. I don’t want therapy. But this .. maybe this is chemical.
But I wonder how many times I can come back from this. Who out there has done it? How many of you are older than 33? How do you do it? Without meds? Without therapy? Without letting anyone in your life know?
Because I don’t even know how to start a conversation like that…
I went into the store tonight and bought some sleeping pills. I’ve done this before. But tonight feels different. I want to do it. But I’m scared. But I don’t want to live anymore. You see, I was raised a Christian. Tonight, my mom found out that I like girls. Well, I’m a girl. I had to tell her due to the fact she found out I skipped work tonight.. So I was already in trouble for that….. She asked me why I skipped and I tried to explain with the usual there was drama at work, but she wouldn’t let that be all. Probably because it wasn’t. My ex works there and she has been talking to the girl I was talking to…. And now all I get are these terrible looks and I know they’re talking about me. So I skipped work. And here I am. I have the pills and am about to write a few letters to my friends and family. Can someone please just help me get the guts to do this? I can’t be here anymore and I just need someone to tell me it’s okay to do what I’m doing.
Mornings seem to be the worst.
At any rate I’m feeling upset, angry? that not just that my ex gave up on us, but that she (probably, I might be simply imagining that she feels that way) believes she had no choice. That there was no chance for us. That we (she?) wasn’t healthy enough.
I don’t believe this at all. I do not believe my being depressed and anxious means I can’t be in a relationship, or have a healthy one. My ex and I had this one issue, serious enough for her to leave me, but- even she said this- we were amazing in every other way. No relationship is perfect. And I believe she could’ve worked on her ptsd while still being with me- she proposed to me, called me her wife. Obviously I was/am important to her, the person who knew her best, someone she could -and did- lean on.
Saying she gave up feels mean, but I’m not sure if there’s any other way to say it. I believe we could’ve worked through this- we were starting to, making progress- but she didn’t. She said she tried as hard as she could, but breaking up with me, suddenly (to me anyway), doesn’t seem like trying. She promised she’d do couples counseling, and while we did see one doctor, we both agreed she was incompetent. She said we could try another therapist maybe in a month or so, but thought we were working well on our issue on our own. But she never gave us the chance to see another therapist.
I believe I could’ve helped her through this, been some kind of support for her, if only she had been willing to let me.
I’m tired of people saying that you can’t be in a relationship while depressed- that you need to “love” yourself, be “happy”, or whatever. I don’t equate that with depression. I don’t hate myself, although I may have moments where I say that. I hate my depression. I hate that it’s stolen so much of my life. But that isn’t my fault. And being happy? I never expected my ex to make me happy. It’s not possible- she can’t cure depression- nor is it her responsibility. I even told her so on several occasions. Having her in my life certainly made my life better, I was “happier” with her. But that’s how relationships are; if they didn’t bring positive feelings, why would people bother? And it’s not like I believe I can never have that level of happiness again, that I have to be with her to ever be happy again.
I’m tired of people thinking I’m crazy, that I really need to “work on myself” because [fill in the blank]. Everyone has something they need to work on. For me, that means getting good treatment for my anxiety and depression. That is what I am doing. Maybe my ex thought I wasn’t trying enough, taking care of my health, but she never said anything to me about it. If she had, I would’ve taken steps to try to help myself like finding better doctors (I’ve been putting off finding a good psychiatrist because it’s so hard to find one taking patients, let alone one that accepts my insurance). I’m good at doing things, trying to change my behavior, when someone I love tells me that I need to, when my actions or inactions are hurting them. Especially when that someone is the woman I feel is my wife.
I got my dog back.
At least I think so. My ex just dropped her off at my parents’ house, barely saying anything to my mom. I assume this means she’s my dog again, because coming back to get her as if I were just babysitting- that would be so cruel and I don’t believe my ex could ever be cruel.
I’m thrilled to have her back, but confused to how I got her. It shouldn’t matter- I can’t get my ex to want to be with me again, so it shouldn’t matter what she thinks of me, right? Except maybe in terms of friendship, but that’s at least months away and that’s not what I’m missing right now. I’m missing the companionship, having someone to come home to- and the future that we’d imagined for us: starting our careers, having kids, living overseas. I feel like I’m missing it more as time goes on, not less.
But I have my dog now. And I do feel like the TMS treatments (and maybe the medication to regulate my hormones) are helping. I still feel utterly sad which is fucking confusing and frustrating. I still have anxiety that makes me feel like I can’t exist like a normal human being in both doing well in school and in having some sort of social life.
But I am trying. That’s what I’ve always done. In varying degrees, sure, but ever since I graduated high school the only break I’ve taken from college was during summers I visited my parents (when they were living overseas) or semesters where I ended up having to withdraw from the semester because my anxiety and/or depression were too bad for me to be capable of passing. It’s not a fun way to live, just doing the bare minimum to get by.
But somehow I got to this point where I only have 4 more classes left (although it’s take a year to do them). I really wish I wasn’t grieving. I wish more than anything to still have the life I had, where I had a fiance, two dogs, and a rough plan for the future. But I don’t. And the only real choice I have is to continue what I’ve been doing, at least doing the bare minimum (although I think I’ll be able to do more than that, especially as time goes on). I just hope I find someone to spend my life with and in time to have a family.
I feel better (?) but I still hate my life. Why is it that I had a good life (for the last 3 years anyway) when depressed, but have a life I hate while less depressed? I wish my ex had the chance to know me like this, that I had a chance to feel less depressed and be happy with my life at the same time, even if it wasn’t for long. If only I had gotten treatment, real treatment, sooner- everything would be so different.
I am so lonely without my ex. I don’t feel like I’ll ever meet someone I love as much as her who also loves me. I was so happy to feel like my future was (somewhat) settled. I was happy about finally graduating next December and starting our married life together.
Depression has left me feeling like I’ve missed out on so much, that I’ve lost so much of my life- I feel behind. Getting married to the woman I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with at 26- it sort of made up for that, that I had gotten so lucky to have found her so soon (I was 22 when we met).
It’s not so much I’m unhappy about being single in itself. I’ve spent plenty of time being single and I don’t just jump from relationship to relationship without spending time alone. It’s because a serious relationship is something I really want in my life. I want someone to spend my life with, a relationship where we support each other through the hard times and good, someone to have a family with. I don’t want to wait forever to find that person. Or what if I never do? How does one attract people (as even just friends) when they’re depressed, anxious, and grieving? No one ever seems to want to talk to me at school. Even in the fiction writing classes where there’s a lot of interaction between students (unlike my math classes) and I knew my peers thought I was a good writer, they were not interested in me personally. Maybe I give off a ‘leave me alone’ vibe, but I don’t know how to stop that.
My ex also made me realize I do want kids, that I do want to experience pregnancy at least once (totally open to adoption for any other kids we’d want, but everything I’ve heard about adoption is that it’s a hard and expensive process). And with having PCOS it may be hard for me to conceive in the first place, waiting until I’m into my thirties makes it seem unlikely it’ll ever happen.
I feel like I’m just going to be spending 2016 just going through the motions, hopefully at least getting my school work done well (Ha! I’ve made only one A in all the math classes I’ve taken), and then just randomly start my career somewhere (I say randomly because I have no idea what kind of job offers I’d get or let alone where I’d go). I like the state I’m currently living in- I like it the best out of any other state I’ve lived in- but as of right now other than having my parents here, there’s nothing really holding me here. I could move to Virginia where I have a good friend and living with her would help both of us out- me in living with a close friend and getting to spend time with her kids and for her, not just the comfort of a friend, but I’d also try to help her in getting her future career on track (she can’t afford child care to go to school now). I do want to live overseas again at some point, but that would be very unlikely for my first job and I don’t think I’d want move that far so soon. I feel like this is going to be a really lonely year.
The regret and sadness is really hard today (and most days). Things could be so different, better- maybe not good, but better.
As it is, I may never see my ex again. She’s my best friend, despite everything that’s happened, still the best relationship I’ve ever had. I can only hope that after some time she might be willing to speak to me. It’s so painful to think that if I had just left things alone, if I hadn’t forced her to speak to me, then we might’ve actually started talking again in February.
And I still would’ve had my dog, my baby. This hurts so much. I felt less lonely with the dog, less as if my whole family (fiance and two dog-kids) was just ripped away.
But I fucked up everything. I can’t stand it.