the sky looked nice tonight. i saw the moon for the first time in a while. there were a few stars. the shade of blue was difficult to describe, it was deep, but, not black. like… navy, maybe. it made me feel some type of way.
For as long as I remember I was frightened. I feared other people as I wasn’t nearly as good as any of them. Then I joined the military and I was more scared. But then I started drinking and the fear left me. Being gay in a straight world (and a drunk) is not healthy. I was very frightened others would find out I was gay. My gay relationships were few – with occasional encounters – and after each encounter I feared people would know and I would have to leave the military. I never talked about my sexuality. Then through my alcohol addiction and a “disastrous” night I was asked to leave a career I loved more than anything. I was suicidal – and “impending doom” set in. I got sober a few years later and life got better and better. I travelled the world with my career but every so often my head would start talking to me – reminding me that disaster was just around the corner. These sad moments come every so often but lately more and more. I have a photo of me with a team of people – it was taken fifteen years ago – I look very, very happy – but I remember the exact moment – I was suicidal, I just wanted to disappear from this world. I just knew another career was about to end. It didn’t.
The past two days have been the worst ever. I have been reading about suicide and how to do it. In these moments I just know I am to be reduced to nothing. And I just feed my mind with thoughts of doom – over and over – over and over. My rational brain explains how silly I am – and that there is nothing to fear. Absolutely nothing has changed in my physical life at all – just my thinking. I can’t understand why I think like this. Why do I want to end my life? I have beautiful moments, weeks and months of clarity and peace – and then it all goes very dark.
I do not hide my sexuality these days but I have not had a relationship for many, many years and I tell myself I am damaged goods and nobody would be interested. Outwardly everyone sees me as this kind individual who gives people opportunities and stands up for the underdog – but I remind myself they will all find out what a fake I am and that I am not a good person. Throughout the years my careers have hit wonderful peaks – but I leave those jobs much to the shock of my bosses – fear reminds me that it will all crumble and it’s best to stop it myself than have it being taken away from me.
My decision making (out of fear) is reducing my opportunities and my world is becoming smaller. There is so much I want to do but I don’t. It would be best to disappear then I will never be hurt again.
Tonight I am trying a meditation course.
My mind is calmer today. I am glad I didn’t die yesterday. I am so tired.
Hey, my name is Jack.
today has been a pretty shit day, just like every other dayÂ IÂ guess. In year 7 is when it all started, my dad stopped being my dad.
Dad was working in the Air Force and previously worked in the navy for years, so he is a respectable man. Although while i was in year 7, he got discharged from the air force forÂ injuringÂ his knee and neck. NowÂ I’mÂ 18, IÂ finished school last year, I hated school. I hated the teacher,Â IÂ hated the education, i hated the school in general. Everyone is so stupid, i honestly felt like one of the smartest people in the school? I barely went in year 12 cause i just started to get over it, but i wasn’t bullied or anything, if that is what you were thinking. I was quite popular and well know, butÂ IÂ just hid behind a fake me my whole high school life. No one knows the real me.
What happened was, when dad got discharged he was put on pain relief tablets which mad him angry. He took everything out on me from grade 8 -11. At firstÂ IÂ just took it, i just got sad over it, but by grade 10Â IÂ had, had enough. We started getting really into it, the family was falling apart,Â IÂ started getting really sad. Dad then had was confirmed with bi-polar, constant mood swings and depression. I heard my own dad once, crying in his toilet. I’ve seen dad with cuts on his legs,. I once unlocked his drawer when he was out of the house, he had razor blades and drugs in in.
Girls were just another thing to fuck my head around. Of course I had a lot of other problems going on that built up, my dog died, family had died, friends were suicidal. Actually, how’s this. I have stopped three of my friends from close suicide, butÂ IÂ cant help myself.
Now i am stuck, so lost and sad. I feel nothing really,Â I’veÂ felt sad for so long,Â sometimesÂ at night i just randomly cry. I’ve tried so many things to be happy; running, gym, cutting, sports, reading, writing and the list goes on. But halfway through year 12, i started smoking weed heavy, now im never ever sober, wake up and straight to it, i dont even get stonedÂ any moreÂ i feel nothing, it’s just to pass time, to finish another day. I want help, everyday feels harder and harder, i just feel sad, im only happy when im out drunk. Someone please help or give me some advice, it really hurts.
I do not know really how long I have been coming here to this website. The archive only goes back to Tuesday Feb 1st, 2011.. I have read a good lot here, I haveÂ read a lot of peoples stories. Some are very interesting, some are rather not. I may have posted things here, not quite clear. I don’t think so.
I am a 38 year old man. I turn 39 this May.Â I doubt I will make it to 40 regardless. I first started in therapy when I was 20 or so, I was still in the Navy then, it was a Navy psychiatrist. I had attempted suicide in Yokosuka Japan where I was stationed. My wife was from Peru. We had been together maybe 3 years. During this time she had 2 abortions. I had gone UA (unauthorized absence) and did not know where to go in life. Assuming the worst, I tried to slit my wrists. So many times I wished I had gone then.
I see a lot of comments on trying to get people some help, that things are ok, everything will be ok. What if I do not want things to be ok? What if I want to die? What will you say then?
After Japan upon returning home to the US, things looked good. But one thing was apparent, I just could not seem to get happy. Yes, there was times I was on top of the world. But was usually short lived.Â At some point, and for the life of me I just can not seem to recall when exactly, it seemed I could not do anything right. I had a good job and relationship one day, the next everything would unravel. Why? was it something I said, had done? No.. It was the life. Maybe it was the day I realized my wife, whom I had left in japan, was never coming here to the US? That one day I just never heard from her, could not contact her, could not find her? It was not that, however it did not help things. After I realized she did not want to be found, or me to find her, it took me about 2 years to even think about starting a new relationship. That is just the kind of person I am. I did not want to give up.
Already being suicidal I sought help again. And for a time, a long time, I seemed to be doing fairly well. Until one day it all came crashing down. There was no “trigger”. Just a deep desire to stop living. I would not even call it suicidal thoughts. Just a deep desire to lay down and never wake up. It is fairly simple. Why do I feel this way? Although some things do seem to make it worse, the problem underlying is the same.Â Why can I not just stop breathing and go peacefully? Why do I have to torture myself day after day, year after year . One doctor said I was “out of his scope”. What does that mean exactly? And medicated I feel nothing, I suppose that is how that is suppose to work? If you feel nothing at all then hey at least you will not try to suicide.. Except, when I was medicated that was closest I ever came to killing myself. Had plans, backup plans, notes … That is the second time I wished I had gone through with it. But instead I reached out. Got more “help”. What some of you people do not understand is that some people do not want ‘help’. My ‘help’ would be for you to tell me it is OK to go. I do not understand myself why I would come here and write. Everything I say seems to contradict another.
My wife is a pill head. Every dollar she makes goes to pills. I have no job. I quit my job about 9 months ago.When things go wrong here I will be homeless.Â It has been a rough 9 months. Not the worst, but rough. My (new) wife has been on me to find a job. Like I just sit around and not want a job.Â I guess honestly I do not. I feel it is Game Over time for me.Â It is worst it has ever been. It is not because I quit my job, it is the reason I quit my job. If that makes any sense. I quit my job because I gave up, I quit my wife because I gave up. I quit everything because I gave up.
I do not want help. I want understanding, I want peace. I have been living with this loop for 20 years. When they tell you it will get better, it does not. it did not for me.Â I have tried and tried. Year after year, it is the same. It’s funny. I dated a woman once, we split up. She checked herself into a psych place, they had her doped up so much she choked on a brownie. Hmmmmm
Officially today, 17JAN13, I am out of the Navy. Medically discharged due to two suicide attempts while on deployment.
I don’t really have much of a plan now, except go home, achieve my goal of becoming stunningly beautiful, and either A) do a lot of drugs and ‘accidentally’ OD again or B) get hit by a semi truck.
Let’s see. 4 years. 4 years ago was the first time I took a blade to my own wrist. And now here I am, barely a teenager and I want to die for the millionth time. Whenever something bad happens I automatically think; “let’s save that for later, you can rid the tainted blood with one trip to your special drawer”. But sometimes, sometimes it isn’t enough. Sometimes I just have a thousand thoughts running through my head, all of the bad things that have happened and keep happening. Hey, your antidepressants make you cold all the fucking time. Your dad is never here and he’s probably having an affair. Your mom is a **** and your brother beats you. Your older brother, the only one you really loved, is now in the coast guard and you don’t know when you’ll see him again. You’re constantly being harrassed at school because you trusted one person with your secret. Bad mistake.
But on top of all these thoughts, there’s always that one bright idea “go carve out your arm and watch the bad blood escape. Wait for the pain to become real and then afterwards you’ll feel better. But sometimes, I sit there and bleed and my mind is still churning itself to mush. And the one thought that constantly stands out is “hey, what if you took that razor and punctured the artery. Then you’d really be pain free forever. Living isn’t gonna get you anywhere because you always seem to end up back here, the cutterslut on her bedroom floor. Do it now, you big fuck up.”
So basically, what I’m here to ask is:
Does it ever get better?
No matter what I do, or how many resumes I send off or hand out I get nothing back.
I had one interview since I quit my last job two months ago, the lady pretty munched offered me a job during the interview! But of course she wanted to talk to my refereences ha ah ha, fuck.
It was only on Friday though so hopefully she calls by the end of this week.
I don’t know what else I can do.
I’m hopeless and unemployable because I have no skills or talents.
I mean, I could loose weight and try to do boy magazines but I still need money to buy the diet stuff.
I could always try the defense force again, I have missed two interviews before though so I don’t look very trustworthy or reliable also, I’m 20 in December, you sign up to contracts for 4-6 years, and to be honest I haven’t done anything in my life to make it exiting so far, so I feel like I would be giving my life up completely, I would come out in freedom when I’m 25… How lovely.
I met a boy, I really like him, but he’s leaving for the navy in February 2013.
I get so sad thinking about it even now. Everyone I care about leaves. That’s why I try to distant myself and destroy relationships before they usually have a chance to progress to more.
I don’t kno why I keep doiing this to myself, it’s like I want myself to be hurt and fail at anything I try, I never finish anything, I’m not a social type, if I’m in a bar eveyone will be talking and laughing, and all I’ll do is look and listen, I enjoy that.
No one really notices you either. You learn a lot about people’s who forget you’re there.
I don’t really have anyone to talk about much to either, I tried to talk to my friend about this boy leaving in February and she just ignored it and talked about her and how her boyfriend is, and how she wants to breakl up and then she went to his house tonight at 11 expecting to find a girl in his bed and then she was crying and he was laughing? Luke honestly fuck. I don’t care. If you can’t see you’re in a shit relationship you’re the idiot and i don’t care.
Then I tell people what they don’t want to hear and I’m the negative person for telling the truth, so they ignore me until they want me to drive them somewhere.
I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to fucking do anymore.
I was doing very well. I applied to join the Navy, took the tests and aced them. Got told I had about a 2 year wait, ok, that’s fine. I knew that I’d fail the medical if I didn’t get off my meds soon, so I told my doctor that I wanted out because I was feeling better, and I WAS.
This was about a month ago, I suppose, although I’m not sure. Time doesn’t seem to move in the same way anymore. I’ve been driving people away, I’ve been called “inappropriate”, “offensive”… “a drunk”… I tell myself that I’ve always been the type of person to take the piss out of others, that it’s just my way, but I’m not so sure.
Today was a strange day. I woke up late, and have been forgetting things all day. I told my dad I’d clean the bathroom for him, and forgot. I had a VERY important phone call to make, and I forgot that too. I had to sign on at the jobcentre, and was almost late because I forgot that too.
And for the first time in weeks, I thought of killing myself tonight.
I don’t feel comfortable talking about my life, even behind a veil of anonymity. Not yet any way, But after a long road i’m now living with my Girlfriend, going on 2 weeks now. We’ve been together 10 months. 10 months of only seeing each other every other weekend, so its a nice change.
I thought i got over this a while ago, after 3 attempts and a long spiral everything seemed to be looking up. i joined the Navy(Â i was later separated because I “might” have ADD( their words not mine) i at least tried, which is much more than many others can say. I was kicked out of my house because i couldn’t find a job, and am now living with her, still trying to find a job.
I’m virtually living off of her right now. i try to compensate, cook food, clean the house, give her a foot massage lol, but i still feel like a free loader. I can already see this is going to be completely random. I’m 19 and am currently addicted to alcohol and cigarettes. not that bad considering most people are addicted to drugs… never touched the stuff( well except weed and acid a few years ago, but it was experimental more than anything) i’m rambling, i’ll write more when i can be cohesive