Hey, Im kind of new to this so probably wont explain myself very well. This is actually the first time Ive ever talked about this to anyone if this even counts. Anyways im not sure how I even ended up here I feel like im wasting who ever reads this’ time. I dont want pity I used to do a bit of counseling as a youth worker so I know all the lines like “life is potential death is that potential gone”, I know how to help others I just cant help myself. I dont want pity or sympathy just a logical reason and some advice. I guess you could say im looking for a Vulcan to talk to, no emotions just logic. Im 23 I cant remember ever not being depressed. Bullied all through school no real friends I cried pretty much everyday. I used to think as soon as I grew out of my spots or got a job so I could buy nice clothes or things id be happy. I got a job as a playworker my dream job still depressed. Went to uni made friends, amazing friends, still depressed, still alone. I grew out of my spots, have nice clothes, nice things, girls seem to like me, I like them, they terrify me. Ive had girlfriends before, Ive had plenty but Ive gotten worse recently, dropped out of uni, cant find work, self esteem plumets, no girl deserves me. Im a mess. How can I like someone when I dont like myself. Ive looked for work for two years. I find it unbareable I recieved a rejection letter from mcdonalds, they said I was overqualified. I didnt leave my room for a fortnight, no shower, no food, no friends just to pee. I used to be anorexic, Im a very logical person and realised thats stupid, doesnt solve anything and kicked it but im afraid its coming back.food is all I can control I know its stupid I know why I do it, I know it doesnt solve anything, it doesnt help, I still do it. Ive lost everything that was my, my essence has gone im just a person eating then sleeping then eating then sleeping. Draining money, food and life from the friends and family who help me out. I have nothing to give in return. The only reason im still here is because Ive been trying to think of a way to go without upsetting them. I think I may have found that way and this is where im at. My argument is; if all you are is a drain on of the life and happyness of the ones you love with nothing to give back, when no matter how hard you try you cant move forward, isnt logical to just end it and save them the hassle? Sorry I know that got quite dramatic and tl;dr. I would appreciate any thoughts tho, id love to see the potential thats supposedly there.
Tag:
Nice Things
I cried myself to sleep last night because I was so frustrated everything just felt pointless and I was tired of feeling stuck and just wish I never got depressed in the first place. I feel like being bullied caused a lot of problems for me that led me to depression and I feel like if I dealt with bullying by talking to someone and telling those who bullied me that what they were saying was hurting me instead of putting my energy into hobbies then I wouldn’t be here. I developed so many bad habits because of it for instance: I hold all my pain in, I shut people out, I have no social skills, I don’t trust anyone,I don’t believe any of the nice things people say to me ,and I feel like my problems are stupid and I can handle them alone.
I remember crying when I got back from school and feeling helpless and like I should just suck it up  and I remember I got so upset that I would pray to God to change me so I would be liked that I was prettier and more interesting gradually I began to dislike who I was and I believed all the things people said now I just wish so many times I could have done something to prevent all this and I feel so stupid for being stuck on this because it’s not easy to get over ,I just feel all alone I’ve tried to lift myself up but I can’t
Often times I wonder how I reached this point. This point of no return. Of an endless repitition of internal suffering. I can’t really think of an answer. Perhaps that means that I was just destined to be this way.
Many different people think the solution is simply, talking about your feelings or seeing a shrink or just looking at life at a different angle. But they’re all wrong. Because no matter what people say on the outside, you’ll always be that suicidal kid (no matter how old you are, actually) and despite all of the nice things they’ll say, no matter how much they tell you that they like you or that you deserve to live, deep down they’ll never see you as being good as someone else who’s “normal.” In fact, whenever the opportunity should arise, they’d pick a normal person over me and you any day.
That’s just the never-ending rut you put yourself in by telling someone about your thoughts. It’s terrible for sure, but it’s the truth. Especially if you’re a suicidal guy. If you’re a girl, guys will just use your pain to take advantage of you, since it’s an “easy way in.” So in a sense, I can never really tell anyone about my suffering until after I’m dead, because for every single set of ears that hears my story, they’ll start to feel sorry for me and look down upon me and wish that they’d never found out my truth. And I’ll have done nothing but burden them… Or maybe, have done nothing at all. Sometimes I don’t know which is worse. And every time I text them or call them to engage in something else aside from my suicidal feelings, they’ll look at their phone with my name flashing and think, “oh shit, it’s him. I really don’t feel like dealing with him right now.” And maybe if one of their friends are around, the friend will ask who’s calling and of course, they will say, “oh, it’s this one guy who’s really depressed and wants to kill himself.”
This post is really unfocused. Forgive me for that. I guess I want to conclude it by stating how much I hate people who really believe that they can end my suffering by: 1)knowing about my suicidal thoughts or 2)talking to me about my suicide or 3)knowing my whereabouts or 4)appearing to harbor a genuine desire to help me. In every case, I’ve become nothing more than that “suicide case.” and no matter what I do, I can never become more than that. Once a suicidal, always a suicidal.
Because Birthdays are supposed to be special, the make me feel more empty.
People always do nice things with their friends. I dont have anyone to do nice things with, even if I wanted.
The only people who have congratulated me were the ones here. That is just pathetic.
You would think there would be at least one person in my actual life that gives a shit.
In other news: my D-day is coming soon and I feel like I still need to do so much. But what? I mean really, there is not much I need to do before offing myself. I am a cowardly ****. If I keep delaying I will just keep on delaying. And I dont want that. I just need to do it on planned date. I have to.
Fuck. I really would have preffered to just use methadone.
So lonely but apparently having emotions is wrong is since I am a guy. It’s really just depressing how the world looks at my situation. Basically I’m a wuss for crying even though I have perfectly good reason to.  Wanting to hug and kiss someone makes me needy although isn’t that one of the key thing man walks the Earth? To find love and acceptance? I was put in a crisis center aka mental hospital for people my age and you would think I would hate being there. If I can tell you this I love being in there. Sure the beds are hard to sleep on but that is a small price to pay for feeling loved and accepted in the world.  People treat me like I am a person and not some sort of weirdo or monster. I want to lose weight; 40 pounds to be exact. I wish I could just live in a mental hospital far away from society. I hate the disrespect I am given and would rather withdraw from society then to embrace it like other people do.  I remember wanting to stab someone and a Spanish girl says “If you stab him your going to jail.” ANYWHERE is better then here. At least in jail I EXPECT to be treated unfairly rather then being caught off guard here. I already have a plan. If I ever go to jail I will hang myself the 1st day I am behind bars. No one is going to abuse me any more.  I honestly have no remorse and no care about what I will or will not do in the future. If I ever do kill myself I want to do it in a way that I know I am dead. If I do it I will shoot myself  in the back of the head while standing on edge of a chair with a rope around my neck. If the bullet doesn’t kill me the fall will. I want to get better but I just can’t muster up the strength anymore.  When I go back to school I will be showing everyone my aggressive side.  No more Mr. Gentleman like I was doing hoping it would land me some friends. I am just sick of the results I get from doing nice things.
This song pretty much describes me