my nightmares have gotten worse. my fear of being asleep is debilitating. it’s getting harder and harder to remind myself that i’m being excessively paranoid about things that are “unlikely” or some shit. i’m convinced that i’m constantly in danger. i don’t like being asleep because it means i can’t defend myself or my family. i don’t like not being in control of my surroundings. i want barbed wire on the fence. i want a taser. i want a full, realtime security system where there’s a security agent constantly watching the cameras and who will call 911 when something is happening. i want to be […]
Tag:
Night Terrors
last night I had another nightmare. i don’t know why I say this as if I don’t have them every single night. when i wake up, i have to spend a while laying awake in bed, trying to process what i had experienced during my rest. it’s horrifying. these people that i try to push from my mind reappear as if my dream is their real estate. i’ve tried medication, meditation to induce lucid dreams, i’ve done everything within my power. it’s like some twisted possession, my thoughts are no longer in my control and the images of disturbing, horrifying things sit in front of […]
I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]
Nothing ever gets better no matter where I go. I try to make a good life for me and everyone just wants to abuse me. Whether its mentally or physically. I never to do anything to anyone and I just get shit on. I’m ready for it to be over. I want to die and never look back. I don’t care if I hurt people after I’m gone because I won’t see them hurt and I can’t get hurt either. I really try my best and I get pushed in the mud and rocks. When will it end and I can live happily. I just […]
I have been dealing with depression for 8 painful years, and have had a self mutilation additction for seven of those eight. I have my ups and downs, but lately I feel like my depression has taken a turn for the worst. I have always felt it mentally and emotionally, but the physical symptoms of depression were always minor. That is… until recently. I couldn’t tell you what triggered my depression this time around. I haven’t the slightest clue. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m scared. Maybe I feel lost because my youth is very quickly leaving me.
I can’t eat. Every time I even look at food I’m […]
well…i guess i can say it started when i was only a few years old….my parents were both drug addicts…i was in the bars with my mom and dad till my dad met my step mom when i was almost 4…for me it was normal….but then again so was buying my own food at the store, stealing money from my mom while she slept of the drugs and alcohol for the food, being used as collateral when she didnt have drug money, and being molested by her many boyfriends. then id go home to my dads, he and my mom worked alot…and did drugs so they werent always […]