I’ve been having consecutive bad dreams. It’s been draining me.
I’m hated in those dreams. The world against me.
Great. My only escape is being blocked.
I don’t want to sleep for now.
I’m sorry to say that I’m here again, not that you people are bad people, but I only come here when things are getting overwhelming. I’ve been cutting again, a precursor to other self destructive behaviour; and this time it’s the nightmares. I’ve been trying to stop drinking, and it’s only causing me to wake up in the middle of the night screaming, or swinging. More so than usual, but usual had been passing out so drunk that I’m paralysed. I’m getting so tired of the new and inventive horrors my mind keeps in store to greet me in sleepy land. I just wish that I wouldn’t wake up. Period. Full stop. I’m tired of telling women that sleeping beside me carries a risk of being punched out if I wake up during a dream (yes I’ve done it before). I’ve been given clonazepam to stop it, but I’ve been saving them…. And taking 3 at a time so that I pass out and don’t dream…. Or at least don’t remember them…. I tell people I care about to have ‘sweet dreams’ because I never do…. So it’s late here….. And sweet dreams to all of you… And soon my pills will kick in, wish me luck for no dreams tonight.
Hey guys, sorry, this is kind of my first post. Just I felt I needed to share some things that were on my mind. Don’t really feel comfortable talking about these things but it’s been weighing on me pretty heavily.
I’ve… well I mean there’s no easy way to say it… But I’ve contemplated suicide before. Never was able to do anything about it, but the thought goes through my head a lot more than I care to admit. I’ve just been having so much stress compiled on me, and so many things going through my head it’s just killing me.
The thing is I’m the last person people would expect this kind of thing from. So I guess to give you perspective of me, I’m a college student at Y tech school. I’m going for a very technical degree with notoriously known difficulty. Other than that, Most would think I would have everything going for me. People have always kind of seen me as that strong, intelligent, abnormally “handsome” guy. I’m not saying I think this of myself, I’m just spitting what others say of me. The main thing though is people see me as unbreakable. Tough-as-nails kind of guy that never gives in. And that is the only thing I do believe of myself. I’ll never be “the” fastest or “the” strongest or the most intelligent, but I’m absolutely hell-bent and never quite. The problem is it’s also my weakness.. I beat myself so hard and never give myself a break because I see it as weak on my behalf. I love others and use it as motivation but I guess I also do it because I hate myself as well. I absolutely despise my life, but for some reason I keep carrying on.
I was an army cadet my freshman year in college, and that was the most miserable year of my life to date. Partly because I realized I just couldn’t keep up with everything. I always dreamed of being an officer, always wanted to serve and still do. The other part was because how much I had the shit pounded out of me and just how much I hated that year. It sent a precedent that’s followed the rest of my college career thus far. I had always dreamed of the very worst case freshman year/college experience, and the actual freshman year made my nightmare seem as a fantasy. I couldn’t keep up with the work, couldn’t find trustworthy friends, was exhausted physical and mentally, and couldn’t find any places to go or to go out with. So I spent all my time cooped up in my room studying for classes I would damn near fail or the rest of the time having the shit pounded out of me from waking up at 4 am every day. Fort Drum damn near broke me, made me miss a vital lab and homework, gave me the worst damn frostbite I ever had. Gave the worst damn flu I ever had, kept me awake for damn near 3 days, gave me tinnitus in my left fucking ear for several months because of the guys shooting that damn m240B’s right next to my fucking head, ripped the cartilage in my ribs. and because of the sleep deprivation. Made me mess up an important test.
But I never gave in once. And that’s my freshman year in a nutshell. It was absolute hell, and I paid the worst toll mentally and physically because of it.
I’m not a cadet anymore because of my back and ribs at the moment. They’re healing up, but I feel like an absolute failure. I’m trying my hardest in my courses but it’s not enough. I realized my job prospects are with companies I don’t agree fundamentally with. I’m in constant pain. And I realized my dream of being something more is fading right in front of me. I just feel such a failure to my friends and my family. I want to join the service in a reserve/ guard component when I graduate and after I find a stable job. But I look back at my freshman year, and all that hell I went through. Was it worth it? absolutely fucking not. It damn near destroyed me mentally and physically and put me in shit so deep that I forgot what the sun looked like. I just look forward to death so much, and am wondering, what the fuck is the point of life if I only see gray? What is this point if I have only ever felt pain? I want to be there for others and love other people, but how can I expect to be there when I can’t even be there for myself? However, the calmest I have ever been has been in the most dangerous and stressful situations where I could make a difference for other people. I’ve seen mangled limbs, ripped off arms, even a woman try to kill herself in front of her kids and just… things a some should never see. They give me nightmares still. It’s not the gore that bothers me but the psychological aspect of it. But in those moments, I was actually at peace for once. At peace with myself, because I realized I could make a difference. But I feel so lost personally. I feel so hopeless, and I feel as if I’m trapped in an endless, Depressing cycle.
I’m so sorry for the length. Just everything and anything to help me out at all means more than you can imagine. Outside I may be a mean looking sob, but inside I care.
Heart wide open
I’m am the chosen
Lost and broken
So many words left unspoken
Oh how I wish I was more outspoken
I try to sleep but I’m always awoken
Nightmares, eating at my soul, an empty soulless erosion
I have nothing left, I am emotionless
Make no motions
My mind reopens
Racing thoughts it’ll soon be an explosion
Self destruct in 3……2…….1….
Nothing personal today, but I’ve been having strange dreams for years, even before I was on sedatives or antidepressants, and sometimes these things make them more vivid, but they’re always strange. I can’t remember them most of the time, but I remember flashes of things, like dizzying heights, zombies, the end of the world (actually pretty common for me), people getting mutilated, trying to solve a mystery or stop a crime.
Anyway, I wondered if anyone had any dreams or nightmares they would like to share. I’m wishing I could remember what I dreamed last night, but apart from a few snapshots, it’s gone.
So these dreams that I have they are all from that voice I hear and shadow I see. All these dreams of gruesome murders I hate it. They don’t stop first it was Adam even though he passed that thing uses him against me in my dreams. Then my dad he passed away so much blood and gunshots that from that day I hated loud noises. In my dreams he makes me remember everything that happened that day. Then my cousins brother I forgot how he looked but I remember he committed suicide by hanging himself. So in the dreams he has a blank face just hiding in the shadows. My friend Jose was killed cause of me and my fcking mistakes. He uses that against me too. Then my friend Adrian from STEP died from overdose. I blamed myself for it I told him to stop he didn’t listen. So he uses Adrian against ne too. That thing uses my most precious people in my memory and everything I can do to remember them against me. Isn’t it great knowing that you were the cause for all and even single death that has come in my life. That thing doesn’t let me sleep I don’t want to cause then they come. I just want to sleep I don’t care about having him best me just leave them out and let me sleep. That thing likes getting into stuff that doesn’t involve it. Just stop giving me nightmares about how they died and why they died. Just let me have sleep for once. Fcking nightmares I know its my fault hitched doesn’t have to remind me right. Mr. Shadow here thinks otherwise. Anyways ill try to sleep now
I’m so sick and tired of bad things always happening to me. I had a terrible childhood, adolescence and now adulthood. Recently, my worst nightmare came true. I’ve been contemplating suicide again. I haven’t thought about it since I was 14 years old and now I regret not doing it then. I wish I could go back in time to when I was 10 years old, kill myself and frame my adoptive parents for murder. That’s what they deserve. But it’s too late now. I didn’t kill myself when I was 14 because I falsely believed that “it would get better”. I was wrong. It has only gotten worse. I could have had so many years of peace.
I had an epiphany yesterday about my suicide method. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before. It seems so obvious now. I’m still contemplating doing it but the only thing stopping me is the thought that my husband and dog would be devastated if I did it. I couldn’t bear losing them. If there is any justice in this world, if whatever is out there wants to do me one tiny favour and have something good happen in my life, it would grant me death before my husband and dog.
I feel like things will get worse again soon. Have I lived this life too many times? Is that why I always dream of the future and then it comes true? So many nightmares. I wish this world would just end. There are too many evil, greedy people in it. Death would be a welcome release.
Is it normalâ€¦ to look in the mirror and not see yourself in the reflection?
Having been so caught up in everyoneâ€™s â€œexpectationâ€ of you. To have completely lost yourself trying to be what everyone else wanted you to be?
Every night you dream of this life, you could NEVER have, but every day you long for it.
You have all these hopesâ€¦ dreamsâ€¦ ideasâ€¦ that you want to fulfill but just not enough time to do so.
Then you go to sleepâ€¦ still having yet to achieve anything extraordinary in your life, waking up in the morning realizing your one day closer to dying.
It kills you on the inside, but you donâ€™t know how to change it.
You envy the girl who can speak up and express how she feels and people actually support it. You envy the fact she can tell people how she feels while you have to cry alone in your room, and then plaster a fake smile on your face in the morning.
Ever since you were little youâ€™ve had to rely on pills to make you happy.
You hate to take them but without them the darkness starts to pull you down again.
Staying up night after night jumping at every noise you hear because youâ€™re PTSD wonâ€™t let you relax. You watch everything, everyone around you for the slightest sign. You plan ways to escape every room you enter. Â
Because thatâ€™s the only way you can get by in your day to day life.
The night terrifies you and you always run away from it. But you can never seem to outrun it. The one trigger you can never truly escape.
So every night you fight to get some rest only to be greeted by nightmares if you succeed.
You live in a world where you canâ€™t always tell whatâ€™s real.
Exhausted because you can never feel safe.
You wish you could truly express yourself to people. But you fear being judged, you canâ€™t stand to be alone again.
Youâ€™ve spent so many years trying to get people to like you.
You hate hiding thingsâ€¦ lying to people. It makes it harder to explain â€¦
Like why thereâ€™s scars on your arms.
Why you wear winter cloths in the summer.
You canâ€™t tell people how hard every day is. How a little comment they say can send you plummeting.
Whether they meant it or not, you canâ€™t handle REAL life.
People wonder why you seem â€œout of itâ€
Girls my age day dream about boys, yet here I am day dreaming about dying.
You have so many intricate ways youâ€™ve thought about killing yourself.
But you canâ€™t tell anyone because you canâ€™t stand being rejected. No matter what you canâ€™t ask for help. Â
Some nights youâ€™ll debate in your head if the past is real or something you made up like all the adults said. I was only five or so when it beganâ€¦ what if it really was â€œALL IN MY HEADâ€
It tears you apart so many people have called you a lair youâ€™ve even stopped believing yourself.
You donâ€™t know who you are anymore. What you want anymore.
You know what you used to want. But it all seems lost now, youâ€™re not even sure if you could achieve something so grand.
Youâ€™re always compared to how great everyone else is compared to youâ€¦ your self-esteem drops.
Then it seems you find something that makes you happy.
You start to rebuild your self-esteem and begin to make amends with your past.
Your friends say â€œYou look so happyâ€ Theyâ€™ve finally come back again.
You have motivation.
You want to shower.
Do your hair.
Put on makeup.
You care how you look again.
You pay attention to school.
But then just as suddenly as it came, your happiness is snatched away.
The darkness pools in.
The nightmares are back.
You put up your walls.
And once again.
You brace for an attack.
You despise your body.
Every flaw you have is thrown in your face.
And if you can see it doesnâ€™t that mean everyone else does to?
So you stop eating.
And you stop leaving the house unless you have to.
You spend every second of your day trying to mold yourself into something worthy of being seen.
Your friends all start to fade away like they always do.
All your friends disappear.
And once again the fears creep in.
The nightmares become worse.
You canâ€™t sleep at night.
You jump at anything.
Youâ€™re constantly in fear of your life.
You plan ways on how to die.
But to everyone else they donâ€™t understand what itâ€™s like to be constantly afraid.
So they talk behind your back â€œItâ€™s for attentionâ€
Not even your parents understand they tell you to â€œget over yourselfâ€
That other people â€œhave it worseâ€
But does it really matterâ€¦
Are you other people?
And this time everyone completely abandons you.
Deeper then youâ€™ve ever fallen.
An anchor tied to your foot.
Once youâ€™ve think youâ€™ve hit the bottom, that you canâ€™t go any lower than this.
Youâ€™ve fall deeper.
You just wish you could express yourself. That someone would truly listen and not judge you.
Someone who would never leave, no matter how bad it got..
But you feared so much that if you opened up that youâ€™d get hurt. You threw away the key.
All you wanted to do was put the pieces of the puzzle back together.
To finally understand your past.
To finally solve the puzzle, once and for last.
Cause your 15 years old and no one should be stuck in the past.
I have posted here before, a while ago already.
Anyways, now I’m still in this mess, alone every single day, doing nothing. No one who cares about this, because “autism is the problem”. I will be starting therapy to deal with my autism in 2 weeks, so I guess that is a good thing.
Although i dont believe this is the “problem” I just let it run it’s course, I mean, all those psychiatrists are trained for it right? They sure must know it better than me?
Now I have been sitting home every single day, alone, for the past year, doing nothing at all. I rarely talk to anyone, and although I wish for social contacts, people to love, such social contact(and pretty much every social contact) has become an annoyance to me.
Why cant I just have someone to talk to? Why cant I have someone to feel safe with? Why am i always the one from the outside looking in? I have never been treated like an actual human being, just that one weird guy that has his “friends” and is that one outsider in the group. Why can’t I be loved? Why don’t I deserve the happiness that the other people have?
Rarely have I found people I could connect with, really talk to. And they have all betrayed me, used me and now leave me to rot. Especially the last one, why couldnt she just treat me normally? Why does she leave me like this? It has been 2 years, 6 months and 21 days since everything with her screwed up. Since then everything had been going to hell big time, and even before that things were bad.
She turns up in my nightmares, in my constant thoughts, and I constantly see her. She recently got a new boyfriend, and every image I see, I barely can breathe. In all those time, it has never been as bad like this. I thought time was supposed to heal wounds, not open them even further? Why can she be happy and enjoy life and I cant? What makes it that she deserves happiness and I dont?
What is the point of living life when you’ll most likely end up alone? Is there a reason to fight for something that most likely will not succeed? I dont see the point in living life, and that has been the case for a long time. I guess I am too much of a coward to take away my own suffering.
My journey has started today. 200 days until the end. And I wondered… We spend a lot of time trying to organise the world. We build clocks and calendars and even try to predict the weather. But what part of our life is truly under our control?
I also sat down today and I think this is going to be the opening of my book.
“In a time where I canâ€™t really see anything but the bottom of a pill bottle. I have come to realize that dreams are a tragic rarity and nightmares the bitter reality. In life thereâ€™s a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. And people cry, not because theyâ€™re weak. Itâ€™s because theyâ€™ve been strong for too long”.
Everyone has to die one day, then why should wait for your death. It is better to take your life by your own way, a less painful death. Why should wait for some miserable disease like cancer. And most importantly if you are so hopeless that you don’t even want to wake in the morning. You wish that you never been born at first place. You don’t have a single person in your life to trust, to share your pain. When you are back stab by your best friend, cheated by your girlfriend, watching your father died with cancer. When the nightmares don’ let you sleep. You so afraid to meet outside world that you think everyone is going to use you for their own good. You are losing your own identity, want to run away from this world. Every second of your life is a 3rd degree torture for you.
I have a reason to stay alive. I know nobody cares but for so long I barely lived with any reason but now I found him. He brings me pure happiness. For the first time I have a smile that is really mine. Behind closed eyelids no longer am I haunted with nightmares and worry but peace and knowing when I wake up he will be there right beside me. When I feel his warmth the coldness in my heart melts away and I am left feeling such strong love that it keeps my thoughts so far away and I can actually live. I am so deeply in love with him that my soul is not my own anymore I have given him everything. I am no longer the same person I have changed in the best way possible and this is all thanks to him. He has touched what I believed an already dead soul and given it such life that shines brighter than any star. His love gives me hope for a future. One I never saw possible until I met this wonderful man who has captured my heart. He is my perfect half. I love him more than anything this world has to offer. I sit here crying tears of happiness because even when he is asleep I feel happiness because he has stayed by my side this is more than anyone has ever done for me. He has given me life. I love Jordan Christian with everything my soul has to offer. Thank you for showing up in my life thank you saving me but most importantly thank you for loving me the way you do. I know I have a future now because your in it.
I’m here today because I’m feeling extra depressed.Â Yesterday I actually counted my attempts and I realized I’m up to 7.Â What do you do when the only person in your life that ever made you happy doesn’t want to be with you? They tellÂ you they loveÂ you and still care about you but are determined not to be with you.Â After all the promises we made about never letting something like this happen and she did it anyway.Â I can’t recall any dream I’ve ever had but now I dream every single night about her.Â Happy dreams where shes with me, then I wake up to realize none of it is true.Â I either have that or nightmares about her with someone else.Â I can’t describe to anyone how much she means to me really,Â especially when she was the only thing making me happy.Â It’s weird, besides attempts I’ve also survived things that should’ve probably killed me, it’s like being blessed with life to be cursed by losing the only thing in it I’d ever want.Â I don’t know if I could try another attempt at this point, but I pray something happens to me I guess.
It’s just before 12pm. Â I have only just woken up and I wake up today looking at life like it’s a curse. Â What is the point of living life? Â (Not in a suicidal state of mine). Â I lay here thinking to myself how hard it is to get out of bed to get to the shower or to get downstairs to eat breakfast. Â So I just lay here for longer. Â It is now 1pm. Â I have decided to get up and start going on with my day to day jobs. Â I was meant to go out today but I don’t want to leave the house. Â I am scared. Â I am frightened of the world out there. Â I am afraid of the world behind my closed doors. Â This is my sanctuary. Â In which I am still trapped with the demon that lives inside of me. Â Behind my nightmares, endless nights of tears falling, my everyday of pain and the mask I wear; there is a little girl wanting to come out. Â The little girl that was buried into the pits of anguish five years ago. Â Her innocence destroyed, her happiness vanished and her heart fell to pieces. Â Nearly six months ago I met someone. Â We fell in love. Â I was happier than I had ever been in my whole life. Â He is the most important person in my life. Â I don’t want to disappoint him but the person he fell in love with is slowly diminishing. Â I need help before it’s too late. Â They are coming back to get me. Â I see them in my sleep. Â I see them when I wake up. Â I see them when I lay awake at night. Â The darkness holds me close. Â Too close. Â The past few weeks has been the start of them coming back stronger. Â I am growing weak. Â I don’t know what to do anymore. Â I am scared that if I don’t do something it will be too late. Â They bully me, they torment me, they make me feel weak when I’m at my worst. Â My love of my life, you’re my only hope. Â I want to hold your hand. Â I want to escape this nightmare. Â Please take me in your arms and tell me it will be okay. Â I don’t know how long I can keep this barrier up for on my own. Â Every time I try to tell you exactly what I’m feeling, I get the feeling that you think I’m just making up excuses. Â That is the last thing I want to do. Â I want that little girl to come out into the light.
I apologise for following such beautiful song lyrics from The Hunger Games with such a negative post.. but I feel this encapsulates the way I’m feeling exactly.
Let me take you on a journey. 19 years ago, my Mother began to emotionally and sometimes physically abuse me over the course of my life. In my eyes, I never had a Mother. I never grew up being nurtured and receiving that maternal, unconditional love. 4 years ago, my Mother physically ‘bashed me up’, in need of a better statement. I left her immediately, I left my little siblings, my friends, comfort, my school, I left EVERYTHING that I knew and had come to love. I lost a part of myself that day, a part that I have never been able to get back. It has taken 4 arduous years and many attempts at reconciling with her to finally have made some progress. But every time I look into her eyes, I feel all those horrible things rush over me like they did 4 years ago. Nothing will ever be the same again. The nightmares will never stop.
But 4 years ago, I got together with the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met. My soul mate, my better half. We have such a deep connection that could never be replicated; a once in a life time thing. He has been my sole source of love and support over this difficult time in my life, and unfortunately, has been on the receiving end of a lot of my depression symptoms. I have put him through hell and back, yet he still stuck by me. It was only 6 months ago when I decided it was enough – I HAD to seek help and I HAD to get better, so I could be happy again, so I could be the best person I could be for myself and for him. I wouldn’t let myself ruin his happiness any longer with my own depression.
I put it off though. We broke up, I tried to convince him to move on, I tried to fill the gap with other boys, but I could never actually bring myself to physically be with someone else. Just a few weekends ago, he kissed one of my ‘friends’. He danced with her at a club. This all must sound so ridiculous to you, but to have the love of my life be with one of my friends.. it just killed me. Well, it almost did. That very night, I was so intoxicated, I decided that wandering around the streets until 6AM was the best course of action. I could be murdered maybe. I ended up going home, unharmed, and cried. I cried and cried, that’s all I did for 3 days. I’d had enough, so I bought some sedatives and strongly considered ODing. I took 4 at a time, making me dead to the world, making me feel so out of it. That was enough to pull me through, until he reentered my life.
He apologised profusely and expressed his deepest regrets, and I couldn’t take it anymore – I NEEDED him back. I would not risk losing him again, I was so close to. So we became involved again, and I started to see a counsellor. We agreed not to get back together ‘officially’ until I was better. This agreement we had, seeing each other exclusively but not actually being together, was confusing but enough to keep me living.
It was just last night that he reiterated how he didn’t want to get back together. I suppose I had an ulterior motive all along; I thought that being with me again would make him realise that that’s the way we should be. But I was wrong. He wants his freedom, he doesn’t want to be with me, the very true love I found is not as true as I thought. He doesn’t want me. I want him. What to do.
I’m planning on starving myself. When feeling depressed, my hunger is always the first thing to go; I’ve gone about 5 days at the most without eating. I feel that I could easily go through with it. I have Googled about it and found a lot of evidence to support that it won’t be the most painful thing in the world.
He is not the only reason I no longer want to be here. It’s the fact that I feel like I am living for NOTHING. I hate university, I don’t have a job because I’m way too afraid to get one, and I can’t stand being rejected any more; the only actual thing I live for now is my cat. I am serious. I think my cat is the only reason I’m still here. That is how empty my life is. I have nothing.
I have become desensitised to suicide. I have had these thoughts so, so often; researched so many methods, that it’s just something I’ve been putting off for a while. I do not know if there is an afterlife, but I don’t really believe in it – I’m sure I’ll just fade off into nothingness. And that is marginally better than just living this half-life and waiting to die.
I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I want to die, truly I do. I dream of plunging a knife into my gut and slipping into ethereal darkness. My brain delights in torturing me and I just don’t want to go on like this. I’m trying to help myself, but I am relapsing. My friends wouldn’t be able to help me, and I tend to think none of them would understand where I come from. My friend made a comment about overdosing on pills and a someone she hated, and I said ‘it’s not easy.’ A hint into my hidden past. She just called my name and when I didn’t reply she spoke in the small, wavering voice of a terrified child. I looked up and laughed, playfully slapping her on the arm.
They can’t talk me through this, and my family is out as an option. So here I am, documenting these self destructive thoughts to keep me from doing something else astronomically stupid.
My dreams have become nightmares. I’m not sleeping well. I’m trudging on in vain hope that things won’t go bad, that my secrets will stay in the dark, but everyday I fear the light that creeps closer. I’m afraid.