I have a friend, and our relationship had grown into something more. I have known that she has leukemia that has been in remission for a few years, but it’s back. After a long conversation she told me that she love’s me, and…. I have to say I love her too. Even with the things going on in our lives, I still assured her I was here for the long haul. I don’t want her to feel alone or like she has to face this alone like she did the first time. After a divorce that completely crushed me, I stayed alone for a year to heal myself before she came into my life. The day that she told me that she loved me, ( and vice versa )I asked her to take care of my heart, it’s been broken so many times and there’s not much of it left, but I’m giving it to you anyways, and she swore to me ” I promise to always take care of it, nobody will ever hurt it again ” and not too long after that she walked away without so much as an explanation or goodbye. Haha, heart broken yet again, but such is life I guess. I got a call today from her today, told that she had made a terrible mistake, but didn’t want to put me through what she’s going through, but I’m a big boy I said. I know what I signed up for, and that I wanted to be by her side through this no matter what the outcome may be. Now I’m torn, and not only that. I was listening to some of my favorite music, and the lyrics in one song said, ( though my ” will ” shall never break, but it will bend. Like the scars that heal, but never mend ) WOW !!!! my exact feelings put to music lol. Again there’s a few people here that know me and my story here, and I haven’t posted anything in a minute because I have been so angry lately and now this. And even though I’m stilled pissed at the world, im confused now. Because part of me wants to tell her to go ” FUCK HERSELF ” and part of me still wants to walk this journey with her so that I can make sure that sheI never feels alone, but none of me trust her. Lmfao, anyways, that’s the end of my rant. I hope everyone has the greatest of days. 🙂 🙂 🙂
no matter what
Usually the thoughts to take my own life start when the day is coming to an end, today they started when i opened my eyes with the help of my mom. Either she is blind, a retard, or a selfish.
I honestly dont wanna be here anymore, no one seems concerned with what is actually bothering me yet i know they can see it, not like there is anyone anyway. When i blow out my candles this year ill wish i was never born, i usually wish for love and happieness but fuck that, that wish clearly isnt happening for me no matter what i do.
A few more months of this and im sure ill have the courage to opt out of life.
So you may be thinking about opting out just as I was all through out my life. There were lots of times I just wanted to die. Why? Because at the time my thoughts about the world were different than they are now. Did my thoughts about the world in which we all live get better? Actually no they got worse. So why don’t I still want to off myself you ask? Because nature will do it for me at some point.
Let me explain a bit further. I have studied numerous religions and belief systems. What I have come to realize is that no one has a fucking clue about anything. It is all based on what we are hopeful for (faith) happens after we die. It is all based on this fear of death. Sometime in my mid 30’s I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized that if I stopped giving a fuck about what others thought of me or what they were doing or really anything for that matter life became a lot easier for me at least inside my head.
I had to get a thick skin to say the least in order for things that used to bother me to stop bothering me especially my thoughts. I also came to realize that this whole bullshit of an existence was all in my head and my perceptions of reality was all inside my head. Once I stopped giving a fuck the thoughts of giving up left. My life isn’t a breeze and neither is anyone else but at least my brain for the most part has stopped bugging the shit out of me.
So what makes me happy these days? Well lots of things. My life isn’t perfect but I at least have enough distractions to get me by. Distractions are a big key to getting past your own brain. That and not giving a fuck and live your life any fucking way you want. When one door in life shuts just say fuck it and move on to the next. Doors in life will never ever run out no matter what you are doing.
Life isn’t over yet for us. There are still things we all want to do or to experience. So work toward those things. Life goes by faster than you expect so try each day to do something that makes you happy and say fuck it to tomorrow. We might not be here tomorrow.
This is just a little blurb that I hope helps someone at some point in life. My whole story is a bit more complicated and very fucking long so I will not go into that.
Everytime I go outside and see normal happy people it shakes me up inside. I press my lips together, and shut my eyes in tension. All the people that I used to know, just normal guys got it all. Money, house, car, relationship/marriage. Everything. All these people were just normal, nothing special, most were dumber than me academically, similar or worse socially. Many were younger. Yet all of them got it all together, got awesome jobs, get paid well. Got everything. Why is it that everytime I try to do something I fail? I do great with things, any complex problem I can solve as long as it doesn’t involve dealing with people. When it does, I always get rejected, told off, shat on, tricked, and used. Nobody gives me a decent job. Only the shittiest ones where I break my back and end up not getting paid a dime anyway. Girls always reject me, no matter what. I’m not an ugly guy either, I have little money, can drive my dad’s car, have a house to myself, my dick is fine too. But no matter what I do I always end up getting fucked over. I’m 26 virgin and lost hope long ago. I’ve been like this for 4 years and it does not get any better at all.
Theres so much I feel like saying today, but then I try and there’s nothing. I go blank. Been feeling like this most of the day, my vision has been all jumpy and strange, & there is no cohesion to my thoughts.
Kinda feel like staying on this train forever ( Im on my way home from work), and dissapearing and starting all over again. Or just dissapearing. I feel like ive past my used by date sometimes. Like I somehow missed my date with the grim reaper. Probably slept thru it, knowing myself. Hiding under the doona and he couldnt find me.
Anyway ive talked enough shit, will finish with this.
If ur young and live at home, dont kill urself till u try living out on ur own. Parents always suck and they will screw u up no matter what. Cos the truth is, they probably had no idea how to raise a happy well adjusted person. If that person even exists. Im still waiting to meet them.
Take care everyone.
They always hurt, no matter what. Any positive emotions always seem to lead to negative emotions of equal or greater power. So I want to get rid of them. I’ll take a damn lobotomy if I have to. I just want to be rid of them for good. They cause nothing but problems and pain.
My bed is warm and safe. I like to be in bed because then I can hide away from the world.
I can dream and do all the things in my dreams that are virtually impossible (at least at the moment) in real life.
My cat sleeps on me and comforts me. I can play my 3DS and get lost in computer game worlds.
Sometimes, I get anxious and scared if I’m not in bed. I feel guilty because I feel as if I am wasting my life. But I don’t get any pleasure in going out where I live. It reminds me too much of the horrible things that have happened. Also, every time I try something new, no matter what, it never lives up to my expectations. That’s my fault, not anybody else’s. Hopefully when I see the doctor in a couple of days time, he can help me with that. (Real help is what I am hoping for, not cookie cutter therapy).
I don’t really know how the idea came to my mind, but I’ll do it.
As many of you know, my life is a living hell, and yeah, a lot of people wonder how am I still alive.
There’s something in this world that I love with all my soul, with all my heart. No matter what happens to me, that little thing puts a smile on my face. It brightens my day.
And now, I’ll try to make something for that thing. The thing that keeps me alive.
I’ll have to give up on the idea of trying to leave again, because I’ll need some money. I hope I can do it.
I’ll return to draw. I’ll draw a lot of things for that thing. That will be one of the last things I do before my August 15th. Wish me luck!
- I feel like a proper idiot posting this but I don’t know where else to ask this and I know I’m going to get judged for it no matter what but I’ve been having really bad insecurity issues with my physical appearance. I feel like it’s the reason no one likes me, people judge so solely off of looks sometimes, is this why I’m single? Because I’m unattractive? It just fucking sucks and I hate the idea of plastic surgery but it might be the only thing I can do. I know, there are bigger problems, but this one has been getting at me the most. This is just a random picture of me, I usually only show half of my face because I absolutely hate the other side, it’s just worse looking
I know this for many years but I constantly forget it. When I was 16 I wrote a poem about wearing a perfect mask being perfect on the out side as I died inside.
And I forgot that all I am is a doll for famliy do what they want when they want it. My husband I am toy for I enjoyment that’s all ,my in-laws A robot.
I should be dead the amout of Close calls should have left me dead .
But I realized a long time ago I am worthless shell who has to be dead inside to make everyone happy. Cry myself to sleep and hate the morning sky.
Its not like I haven’t tried to make myself happy but its not worth it. my role in this world is to suffer internally while my mask is perfect.
I am worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless. Why shuold i die when i can suffer everyday and one day when I die ill probably suffer there too..
I wish I was dead but im meant to suffer Im.forcing myself to go live with his family in lake tahoe and eat there shit because thats what I ment to do im not fighting anymore.
I will die inside i wont say a word I will be the they want a toy to throw aroud hollow no feelings dead . no matter what
I am crazy in love with this guy, but we havent talked in a while.i have been in love with him since i was like 12 and ive never stopped loving him, i am 19 btw. he is in my mind all day and all night i dont know how to tell him, im afraid that im not good enough for him. im terrified that i might get hurt. but i dont think i could live without him. i dont think ill even stop loving him. no matter what other guys are in my life i cant seem to forget about him. what do i do? do i tell him? im scared but i dont want to be, i want to tell him, i want him to know but im so terrified.
Hey guys, I want to erase everything that made me depressed and start a new life. This site makes me depressed and stuff. I will erase everything and try to live life no matter what. I wish you all the best and hope that many of you will get rid of their demons and try to live life.
All my life i have spent years hoping that things would turn out alright for once but it seems no matter what i do i always can’t get things right. I just don’t know where i belong in this world I’m not sure if i ave ever really belonged anywhere. sometimes i really just wish i wasn’t such a fuck up, that things went right for once.
My mood is seemingly leveling out after I cleared things up with a close one, and also simplified my life. I kinda closed the part of my life that concerned less than legal practices which did me wonders. I felt this impending sense of doom, like my life as I know and understand it could come to close. While a structured day with free meals and anal rape sounded lovely, what would I ever do without the internet? I still suffer from hyperhydrosis of the under-arms on a daily basis, which brings me enough tension to push me to the brink of suicide or total meltdown, but at least I have evaded the thought of total confinement.
Now all things considered, I still don’t have a grip on the person I want to be, but I honestly have no idea what that is. I just want to be comfortable financially and stable mentally. I want a couple friends I can count on, and control over my sweating. Sweating makes me feel like I am wearing a clown nose at all times. I mean within an 8 hour period, I will have sweat that spans from the mid section of my bicep past the arm pit to just above my rib cage. It causes so much mental anguish and physical discomfort that I will actually get ill, vomiting in the parking lot after a day at work. I’ve heard of plenty of treatments, prescription deodorants, botox, basically things that are either too expensive or just absolutely useless.
I feel like no matter what, I will never get a real grip on my sweating. My mood seems okay, but that will it is heavily mitigated by rate at which I annihilate a t-shirt. Makes me feel like I can’t wear nice clothes. I feel like I relinquish normal human liberties, and just settle for less. I feel like I will never have a positive self concept because of it, and most of all, I feel like I can never be confident in myself.
Lastly, and completely off topic, anyone heard from that old chap KSO? That’s right Killswitchon!! Let me know, that guy had moxie!
At first, I had it all planned out. My mom was going out and I had like 3 full bottles of medication on hand. She never checks up on me, so I felt like I was in the clear. She came home early though, and my biggest regret was not locking the door. I remember waking up in a hospital, and having my mom by my side. Of course, they wouldn’t send me home, and sent me to a mental ward.
Now let me tell you, mental hospitals aren’t like they are in the movies. But….they’re pretty freaking awful. They’re cameras everywhere and someone is always watching, always writing down your every move and I became so paranoid. To this day, I have a huge paranoia with nurses/doctors. Not to mention it’s not just you there. You’re with several other crazies. Some were druggies, cutters, suiciders. The more rare ones being schizos and arsonists. We were all screwed up in our own way.
It didn’t work. I left worse off. My psychiatrist didn’t help and just wanted the money we had to pay him. My therapists didn’t let me talk, the pills….oh god the pills. After talking to some shrinks, taking drugs and going back to different wards, I finally realized what was wrong. No matter how many people you tell, no matter what prescriptions you take it doesn’t just make the problems go away. It’s just a distraction to the fact that nobody can fix the issues I have. There’s no magic pill to make me happy.
I’ve been wondering why I deserved to have a dysfunctional brain. Why my mother hates when I even mention it, or when I show symptoms she yells at me. Why my friend are getting their lives together and I’m still struggling to get out of be in the morning. “You just have to change!” “Maybe if you fixed your attitude it’d be better.” “Just go to the gym or something” “you don’t even have it that bad, someone has it worse than you,” I’m trying so hard yet it’s just…not enough. It’s not.
Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.
My days are usually awful.
Today is one of those days.
Can anybody hear me? It doesn’t seem like it. It doesn’t seem like anyone cares. I need someone.
My friends don’t understand being diagnosed with depression. They dismiss the fact that I’m on medication and just tell me to “snap out of it” and “stop being so sad” and “choose to be more positive.”
Are you kidding me?
Every day is a struggle. Every day I just want to disappear.
The worst part is that everyone thinks that just because I don’t have anything really wrong in my life, I cannot be depressed. But that’s not how it works. Depression can hit anyone no matter what the circumstances are.
I just wish the people around me understood that.
I’ve been writing like a kind of journal about how i feel and how its this pain killing me inside, and how hard is to hate yourself and have to deal with it just because you were born that way, and how difficult is to struggle waking up every morning when yesterday night you fell asleep crying and overthinking about how stupid and ugly and how much you wanna die, but there you are living again even when you haven’t ask for it, people judge because the way i feel, i didn’t ask for pain, who would actually think that i asked to hate myself and wanting to die, its not my fault but they’re blaming me for it, as always its my fault, im always wrong, no matter what i say or think im always losing, no matter how hard i try it never matters… so im just gonna finish my journal the day that i’ve decided to kill myself and imma give it to someone else, someone that i know that would probably care and read it, because is pretty long so it would take a while to read all of it.
Do you have abnormally bad luck? Do bad things always seem to happen to you? Do you feel cursed?
I do. I feel as if the universe is trying to screw me over, bc no matter what I do, no matter what I don’t do, no matter what choices I make, bad shit happens to me, and I can’t fucking escape it. I thought I could. But after so many decades, I’ve lost hope that “things will get better.”