I cant seem to face the shame of my past. Stupid decisions and bad choices lock me up in the house. I have no job. I have no purpose and I dont care enough to change it. Ill lose my house soon. Thats when itll come down to it.
Im so tired of all of this. Im blessed that i have a roof over my head. Im just tired of struggling in every capacity of my life. I dont have a method or else id be dead. I’m doing my best but genuinely what i really want is deaths sweet embrace. The permanent insignificance that ive lived my entire life is so all encompassing. Even here i feel alone. I feel alone everywhere. I dont belong. I felt belonging for such a short time so long ago i dont even know if it happened…. I’d give anything for a time machine or a shotgun and a long drop. I’m tired of wasting you all’s time my breath any resource that i take for granted. I serve no purpose to continue my existence. Im starting to workout 2 a days while im jobless to lose as much weight as possible. I cant help but to wonder how different entire life would/could’ve been if i wasnt so fat and unconfident. I also cant help but to want to have a heart attack. My confidence comes and goes and when its gone my purpose its gone. My reason for being is gone. I’m sorry for another meaningless post. I’m just a man who is here due to being an incompetent suicide attempt artist.
Is this thing I’m living even worth calling a life?
Where the fuck is this thing going?
Where do I see myself 10 years?
I see myself a depressed fucked up doctor slaving it out for my family that I love so very much, and still floating around in this world not even connected with my own body, just to keep them happy.
When the fuck am I going to do something for me?
What do I want for me?
I WANT TO DIE!!
That’s what I want for myself. I don’t want this thing called life anymore. It serves no purpose for me. I find no joy whatsoever in being alive. I don’t even feel alive, and I haven’t felt alive for years. I should have died years ago. Things would be so much better if I had ended this fuss of a thing when I had the chance.
I sound like a fucking broken record here. I’ve been saying this over and over again. But I’m still saying anyways. This is how I feel every single day of my fucking existence. I feel TRAPPED. I feel STUCK. I’m not alive for me. I’m alive for the people around me.
How I hate it. I hate it so much.
When will I be free of this pain?
I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I can barely recognize the person I see looking back at me in the mirror. I hate my life. I hate living. I hate breathing. I hate moving. I hate waking up every fucking day just to go through this same damn thing over and over again. I HATE IT.
Can I just die already? Please, someone just kill me now.
isit just me I feel like I have no purpose being here on earth I feel alienated I’m just floating though life like a leaf in the wind no real goals just making a mess of things no real meaning to be a live I no life is what u make it but I really haven’t got the energy to keep fighting we all end up in the same place anyways rich poor Healthly etc isit because I’m depressed anxious and suicidal and il been researching it sounds like iv got depersonalisation is that why I’m floating not connected to my body or isit just my destiny to die early ?
Hows everyone else today
To let you all know that think about suicide that life is for a reason. I have suffered from brain cancer and depression; and I thought that my life was worthless. But I started to see a therapist and I took medicines. Now I am in school and I help anyone with common issues.
So I was 5 years old and I was told that I had cancer. I have had lots of treatment, with medicine with lots of needles. So I had 4 years of treatment and I have been in remission ever since. Then after being a 6 years cancer survivor, I started be be sad and depressed. I thought there was no purpose in life, but one of my best friends had cancer, so I gave my life to save them. I seemed to be happy at the time, but all I was doing was that I was hiding my negative emotions. So everyone saw me as the happy-go-luck person, but inside I was so depressed.
One day my life was to stressed and I planned to end my life, but my parents found out and they sent me to the hospital. I stayed at the hospital for a week. I had different kinds of therapies and doctors. And throughout all of that time, I was wondering why I was still living.
And now I know. My purpose in my life was to tell my story of my cancer and my depression and help others with common issues. So I know that everyone has a purpose, rather it is cooking, to helping people ,to being an actor, or even being the president. So just wait to find your purpose is and live your life.
Why do I find my morality, my principels to be so important. Is it because it is who I am, my very essence or protecting my pride from becoming like those who disgust me. Why do I care about others if I believe everything has no purpose, that our constant struggle is meaningless? I guess one could say that reality is based off one’s perception making any belief a truth. Although the world is non-existent to me those around me seem to see it. Maybe I’ve been sitting in the dark too long, maybe if I left my eyes open long enough I could see the sun. But I won’t, the light hurts my eyes and I will keep them shut. I will not feel the pain you so desperately wan’t me to see. Even if the warmth you feel is as charming as I imagine it, I will sit in my shadows and wait. And wait until I am completely nothing as is my meaning of life, my truth.
Is there ever really a perfect time to do it? I think we all wait till things get so bad that we completely run out of resources and patience – and then we do it. I always thought that’s how things are. That’s what I learned suicide is – running out of the resources to cope.
But what if I am at that point? All I think about is suicide. All I want is death. I have nothing to live for. I have recently run out of every reason to live. The one person that gave me hope for a future, gave me reason to believe I will have children with him, a real, good family – left me for his ex. They were only together for 3 months, while we were for 2 years. He told me today he never loved me, that I’m a disgusting human being. I had no dreams but to have a family with him. It’s not a case of need – I didn’t really need him. I just have no purpose in life now. I’m just drifting. I’m completely numb, only my heart hurts. If I jumped at a train in busy London – I would only be viewed as a hassle. I don’t think there is a perfect time. I just think a suitable time is coming for a decided action. I just… don’t know what to tell the people I love.
I was standing outside staring at a tree and realized that tree was doing more for the world than I am. There’s no reason for me to be here I have nothing to offer. My life’s a joke.
Physics, Nihilism, injustice, crack, alcohol, baseball, should we really help people??? Won’t they just have a more exaggerated experience of the human condition?
- 35 year old white male….educated, athletic, comedic, drug addict, truth searcher, lazy, the average person would say I have so much to offer…..I see there is no purpose, but I know many are in pain….., I really want to know if people who really believe they are happy have a gene switched on that allows them to believe their own lies, somehow my father understands all of this but is content with life…..playing golf and gambling….I honestly don’t know how he does it, I guess I am afraid to die since I have been suicidal since I was 10. I can make anyone laugh, make them afraid, make them think, but these are all just games to relieve myself from boredom and wanting to end this. I love alcohol, crack cocaine, physics, the truth, baseball, beating people in sports and being smarter than them. Mainly, I feel like I just want my parents to die so I can end this. I know they love me, and I don’t want them hurt even though their pain would be over eventually. I even stand to inherit a lot of money but I really think once they go, I will be right behind them. I made a very honest attempt throughout my life to figure things out. I do have a misgiving, however, and it deals with my drug use. I have smoked crack probably 700 out of the last 750 days and off and on since I was 22. In this horrible existence, life, and consciousness I have had to deal with, it is truly the only experience I look forward too. I guess, mentally, I know my outlook is true and correct, but I second guess that if that addiction wasn’t there….would I be able to lie to myself like the average person maybe enjoy life???? Basically, I would love to find some way to be sober and do nothing but help people. However, the paradox is painful….am I helping them just so they can live a life that has no meaning as well??? Am I actually helping???? …..and the feeling from crack has me gripped…..there really is nothing better…..when I know there really is no purpose it seems to be the only logical choice…..keep smoking crack and not die or die……I know that nw6othing or no one is to blame for existence….so there isn’t a lot of hatred with me……I just don’t know why I am afraid to die, I know it would be better than life…..or maybe smoking crack really is that much fun…..there is a part of me that believes we are alive in a fascinating time and that technology will allow us to live for a few hundred years….it would be nice to see what science reveals in that time as far as finding out more of the truth and reality, however, there is still no purpose or meaning…..basically…..every time I see a potential path….I don’t get but a few steps and the weeds, trees, brush, etc. have grown over it already….my mind will always shut the door. It won’t allow me to lie to myself about my and everyone else’s true situation. Life is a nightmare, crack addiction is a nightmare, and being afraid to die is also a nightmare……what do you think?
From everything I’ve known; my job, family, and the only life I’ve ever known. I feel so stuck, no purpose or motivation to do anything anymore, and I’m seriously contemplating leaving the States for Canada even though there’s nothing for me there (job, home, or friends). I’d be a stranger in a strange land, but even that sounds more appealing then what I’m facing right now. I just want to getaway even if I’m running away from my problems; does anyone else ever feel this way?
I’ve made too many mistakes. My life is like a painting that’s been painted over again and again, so much that the errors, the repulsive missteps can’t be hidden anymore. It’s just a big, hot mess. I never knew what Selective Service was until I was too old to register. I waited to start college too late in life. That’s how I found out. I was filing for aid and discovered a problem that I would eventually realize would keep me from ever attending college. I can never get federal aid. My credit has never been good enough to qualify for private loans. So, that’s it. I can never get a degree. I can never have a real job. I’ll always be poor. I’ve been working at the same grocery store for almost twenty years. I can still barely afford to feed myself and can’t afford to live without roommates, not even in a crap studio in a dangerous part of town. My health is failing. I’m weak, exhausted, and have chronic gastrointestinal problems.
There’s also the matter of not being equipped to pull myself up by my bootstraps, as they say, since my IQ is only 70. I’m just aware enough to be cognizant of my own stupidity. Others treat me accordingly, like an idiot. It’s odd that we show compassion to individuals with certain disabilities, but will delight in vocally belittling those with diminished intelligence. People I have called friends will make fun of me to my face because they think I can’t tell.
I’m also ugly and have terrible social skills. I once had someone who actually loved me for who I am, but I lost her and it was my fault. I should be happy for her. She is now married with a child on the way. She was my only love, my one. I won’t get anymore. It was an anomaly that I had the time with her that I did.
Considering these things, that I’m always going to be poor with no prospects, that I lost my one and only chance at love or companionship, and that the life is slowly leaking from my body– I can’t help but wonder why I’m still here. I think about suicide everyday, several times a day. I’m afraid of messing up and living through it. I’m afraid of pain. I wish I wasn’t a coward. This is the kind of thing you’d expect from somone young, like, eighteen or nineteen. You hear stories like this and upon learning the teller is so young, you want to scoff, pat them on the head, and say, “oh, it gets better. You’ll see.” The thing is, it never did get better. I tried to just go through the motions. I’ve felt for a while now, however, that I’m living on borrowed time. Maybe I was supposed to die years ago. Maybe I was never supposed to be here and I’m some kind of an abomination. I’m like a zombie or automata, just walking along with no purpose, no point. I’m almost forty years old and I’ve accomplished nothing whatsoever in life. I feel the clock ticking louder every passing year and I just want it to stop.
I just need to pick a date already. I could do next week on the 11th, it’ll make it a year since the rape. I could do the last day of 2015, or on my birthday in January. I can’t be here anymore. I have absolutely no purpose in life. I think about suicide every single day. I wake up thinking about it it’s the only thing that consistently stay on my mind. I’m in school but I’m pretty much failing to the point where I’m on academic probation. If I do bad this semester there kicking me out. I used to do so well. Straight A’s. I used to have so much hope about my life. I wanted to to be successful. But I can’t do that because I’m not a smart person. And it’s even worse when all your friends are moving on with their lives, getting ready to graduate and have their career getting started. It’s saddening. I’m a huge failure. I can’t go into the military because of depression. I can’t do shit right and I’m just done….there’s no getting better for me. I don’t see a positive future. I should have known from a young age that I would be the way I am. I just can’t do this anymore. I was not made for life. I can’t handle anything. I’m 21 years old and I just can no longer do this. I am ready to kill myself. I simply can’t do this anymore.
I’ve been on this website since 2012. Things only got worse to be honest. I don’t see things getting any better. I just need to figure out what method I’m going to use and as soon as I get what I need, I’m doing it.
I just feel so empty..I’m so tired of the same bullshit lines.
“It’s a phase, it’ll pass.”
“It get’s better.”
It doesn’t fucking feel like it. Nothing will ever be okay. I’m just a waste of space and I have no purpose on this planet. I wish I could just disappear. I wish death was an easy process because this life doesn’t seem worth living. No one honestly gives a shit. I tried to reach out for help but I’m just laughed at. Ignored even.
“You don’t even have anything to be depressed about.”
“Just get over it.”
I wish it was that easy. I hate feeling this way. I feel so selfish. I feel like a horrible friend, sister, daughter for even trying to talk about the shit that goes on in my head..and everyone just seems to push me aside…I suppose I’m not worth much. I’m easily replaced. There’s so many different females out there that are far better than I’ll ever be.
It doesn’t feel like there’s much of a reason to fight anymore. I just want to give in already..I want to be at peace..and if I don’t find peace..well at least everyone that was around will be at peace without my dumbass around to fuck shit up. And just like they say..
“There’s plenty of people out there that have it worse than you.”
Then I guess that proves my point. I am pretty pathetic.
I feel dead, physically, being so tired, can barely stay awake, and being in so much pain that I can barely move. I fear losing my jobs even though my bosses of one job work in another location from me now, but I know I’m dozing off all the time. It takes 2 muscle relaxers now to get any effect, and I’ve barely touched them. Remember, I asked for the rx to kill myself initially, but since I’m not just yet, I’ve used them sparingly. My back hurts worse than ever, my legs hurt like hell, my knees hurt like hell, the bottoms of my feet hurt like hell. I can’t take it. I haven’t had my testosterone this week so far. Partly because I’m ‘experimenting’ and skipping it this week; and also, I don’t have the money for needles anyway so I can’t take it, because I don’t have even one left to take it with. My roommate offered to give me some needles, but his are the same size as the ones used to draw it up, and there’s no way in hell that horse needle is going in me! I use the smaller needles, like insulin users use, the tiny ones you can’t even feel. But, I’m going tot ry to see what happens anyway, without it. There’s an energy drop anyway since the last time I got my T refilled, they gave me the generic again. Yes, the brand name is the real deal and the generic is weak as hell. I know more than a few trans guys who agree. It just depends on the pharmacy being out of the generic for you to score the brand name.
But, in short, my life still feels so empty, like there’s really no purpose, no real reason to go on, knowing that I’ll be alone and I’ll lose my best friend and true love to someone else eventually. I feel like there’s nothing to look forward to, because I won’t get anywhere by April, and I’ll be homeless again when my roommates move out of state. I’ll never get ahead in my jobs, and I don’t have a master’s and 5+ years experience to go work in an established company, not to mention I’m not 20 years old with those high qualifications either. I still feel like a failure and a fuck up because I’m always doing shit to try to be even a little bit happier, and I’m so tired and in so much pain that I’m not really spending time with my roommates. When I look at myself, I don’t know what I want from myself at all. When I examine my feelings, I don’t understand myself for being the ugliest person in the world and trying so hard to be close to the sexiest man in the world. Let’s face it, he is god’s gift to women and he has god’s gift to vaginas in his pants in addition to being as gorgeous as he is. And this is who I’m hung up on? When I’m the ugliest person in the world? What is wrong with me? When I really look at myself and take everything into consideration, yeah if I were someone else looking at me, I’d fucking hate me too. 🙁
I feel like life holds no purpose for me. I want to die. Everyday i wake up and ask myself is it over. Why did God make me so inadequate? I hate being here. So many times I’ve tried to end my life. They don’t work. I cut but the hurt still finds its way back. I can’t live with feeling unloved. Unheard. Misunderstood. Alone. Confused. Hated. It hurts being me. I smile but no one knows how much it takes to do that. I make it look easy but its not. I just need someone to help before i make the next step. I am so confused.
I have no purpose. I have never contributed to anybody’s life. Everyone abandons me over time. Can’t blame them really.
I just don’t want to live in this world anymore, I have no purpose so why still live it…
thanks for the support but im breaking down.. To people I love “Sorry I exist”
Bye, I guess…Good dreams
This is my second post on here. My first was a rant about my life. I just need a friend! Oh my god! I’m so sick of being lonely all the time. If I really pushed myself, I could get a job, stop being homeless, blah blah blah… but for what reason? I have nobody. Nobody cares. I cut myself, burn myself, drink to the point I pass out, and and I fucking hate myself so much.
I threw everything away and sacrificed college for a family that pushed me away. I lost my friends to my depression. I’ve tried replacing them with self harm and alcohol. It’s not working. Please somebody help. I need somebody to talk to. I almost killed myself tonight. I almost jumped off a damn bridge. I’m tired of being alone. I have no motivation because I have no friends. I’m 21 years old. I have no family. No friends. No purpose. No money. No job. No education. I’m a useless loser that needs to become yet another victim of natural selection. The world would be better off without me. I’m a stain to the gene pool.
All I do is stay up all night drowning in my own miserable self pity. I won’t get into details about myself because fuck it, I don’t care anymore. I just need a friend.. I live in northern Cali if anybody is interested in hitting up… I don’t even care if get myself killed by some stranger. I hate my life.
I sometimes like to imagine a reality in which there was an unwritten and unspoken method of first-person perspective observation by unnamed third parties; an ability realized by only a select few. I like to imagine myself being watched by an external third party; they would be witnessing my actions (within a limited window of time, usually less than a minute per viewing session) through my eyes.
Usually, the person being observed would be unaware of the perceptual intrudance, but in my mind I always have a sense – like a background, quiet tingling sensation in the back of my mind – of when I’m being observed.
Now, for those observing me, a complete first-person experience of me wasn’t completed for around thirty seconds. When the observing first begins, all the observer can experience is what the other person is seeing; no sound, no smell, no feeling. Then, progressively, each of the aforementioned sensations are assimilated into the observer’s perceptual experience (in the order of: sound, then smell [optional], then finally feeling).
I live a life of quiet desperation and muffled anguish, the two so repressed that no person physically observing me can really tell what’s wrong. That I actually want help, but from someone that that can actually understand me.
I found that someone, but unfortunately I’m unable to talk with her. So I pretend she’s watching me sometimes, so that I can get even a little motivation to pursue the things that once made me so happy and passionate. So that I can fool myself into thinking that her mind still drifts towards me sometimes, even if it doesn’t.
The fact remains, I’m struggling. I’m a pretty resilient person, but struggle with no purpose?
I simply don’t see the point in suffering if it’s not going to lead to anything…better. So I’m having trouble coming up with new reasons to stick around when I know that, as every second passes, I walk farther and farther away from my dreams; but they still seem to have a reason to live, to at very least survive, that I don’t have. I wish I did, it would make things much easier, I think.
Instead, I’m an epileptic 21 year-old introvert who’s mildly agoraphobic and slowly losing his memory and mind. My greatest insecurities are realized, my continued existence is contingent upon the perceived degree of anguish yielded by those closest to me in the event of my premature death.
Anyone want to trade places?
Im scared. Im so scared of death but at the same time I want, I need to die. Theres no purpose for me in life. My grades are droping in school, cant sleep or concentrate on anything. IM nothing more then a ghost, 3/4 dead and im scared im gonna break( if I haven’t already.) and then ill be gone, 6 ft under. I most likely wont even make it to 16, I wont have a husband or have kids. why? Because im a goddamn coward. It would be so easy to just give up, no more pain, or depression…