each and everyday is a part of my history, a history that will be with me forever. unfortunately, i know that forever, i am going to look back on these years of my life and all i’m going to see will be an ugly kid with mental illnesses and no friends, just, wasting her life away. i want my history, i want my past, present, and future, to be happy, i want to do something worthwhile rather than just doing this wasting. uhm, yeah… this is not really what i imagined my life would be like.
I am constantly told what I should be, what I should do, who I ‘am’. What is expected of me. and I am NONE of those things. I am not actively suicidal, I am just hoping that life kills me. I am not motivated. I am not looking to improve my life.
Fuck this world ! Fuck its creator! Fuck this reality !! None of us asked to be here !! We only die when we have something to live for but you can go all ur life jus wanting the peace of death nd will never get it !!! So fuck this world cant wait for it to blow up!!! #wherethefuckisarmageden
My stepdad is an asshole. I saw my therapist today, and she said to try different things to distract myself from the voices and such because they’ve been bad lately, so I thought I’d attempt to watch TV for an hour or so with my mum and stepdad. It is something I regret even thinking of, and it has made everything so much more worse.
Despite sitting basically mute, with the one off offer of a cup of tea, my stepdad yelled at me within 45 minutes. My dogs had just been outside for the sixth time in the space of 15 minutes, and I was fed up at this point because I have to get up each time to open and close the door for them – that, and I hurt my leg yesterday, so it hurts to walk. So when I carelessly tugged on the door, it slammed shut.
I didn’t mean to, but obviously my stepdad didn’t care. He said my attitude is disgusting and a joke tonight, and threatened to get rid of one of the dogs. It escalated quickly, obviously. Meanwhile, my mum just sat there and watched. As usual, she didn’t defend me, and rather complained at me because I got my stuff and have came up to my room. She never defends me, even when he swears and yells at me. And if and when she does, she lets it go after 5 minutes and practically sit on his knee.
I’m so done with my family. None of them support me or care about what I’m going through. I’m sick of them all. The suicidal thoughts have been constant recently, and it’s getting harder and harder not to act upon them.
I did once, last week. I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing at first because I was so caught up with the voices and them telling me how to do it, but then I realised I’d tied a cable together in the garage and I just went for it. The only reason I stopped was because I started panicking and there was a chair just within reach behind me.
After taking the cable down I regretted it instantly, but I had no time to redo it since my mum came home. It’s since been moved, and I have nothing that would definitely work yet.
My mum just came to my room and threw one of my dogs on the bed before leaving. Typical. I’m being blamed for what happened, and she’ll want to ‘discuss why I behaved the way I did’ – I’d like to point out, all I did was say ‘okay’ and ‘I’m going to bed’. She’ll try and make me apologise as well. I don’t think so.
My head is a very deafening place right now, and I really don’t want to be here anymore.
Ive recently been diagnosed with manic depression. I’ve been reading the posts on here for the last few months. About 2 years ago I tried to kill myself by hanging and was nearly successful. I was unconscious and found by paramedics which is unfortunate. I’ve been battling with my depression for some time now and have had a partner on and off for the last 4 years. The support I’ve received from my friends and so called partner is diabolical. I know my parents will miss me especially my mum and I am so sorry and love you with all my heart. I just can’t do it anymore. Life is awful. I am so sorry for doing this to you. None of them will see this post so I don’t even know why I’m writing it… I just hope that if they ever come across anyone who’s feeling like this they will actually try fucking doing something about it. (Apart from my parents because they gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and I love them more than anything).
The one thing that has kept me going for the longest time has been schoolwork. I am a senior in college, graduating in May and wondering what will help me survive after that. I’m good at schoolwork. I’m smart. Not to sound arrogant, but I know what to do to get good grades, and I love to learn. When everything else is fucked up, as it often is, knowing that I can get something right is what keeps me alive. Now, it’s nearly over, and in all that handwork and all that knowledge gathering, I have no career prospects. Nothing that I’m particularly good at. Nothing that I could use to make a difference in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite thankful for the opportunity to get an awesome education, and I know there are so many who don’t have all the tools that I have to succeed in the world. But what good are the tools if the person meant to use them is too fucked up?
I don’t deserve all that I have. I deserve to feel so worthless and empty. I deserve the endless pain. I deserve to be punished. I don’t really want to die. I just want to be someone else. Someone worth all that she has. Someone who has the ability to help others instead of being downright selfish and helpless herself. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t concentrate on my work, haven’t been able to for weeks. I know what needs done, but I can’t shake the feeling that I should probably be planning my suicide. It’s the only option at this point. Can’t shake the realization that I’m beyond help. Forever in darkness. And who the fuck cares anyhow? There are maybe two people at this college who would give a fuck if I died–my roommate and my counselor. I try so hard, and still, no one cares. And no one at home has a clue that I’ve struggled with depression, self-injury, suicide…for years, and nobody knows. They don’t know I’ve been in counseling for two years. They would be so confused and pissed off if I died. But I don’t know that they’d miss me. They don’t really know me. They’d miss the girl on the pedestal. The one I can’t live up to. The one I can’t go home and be, because I was never her. Better to die now before they realize who I really am.
No one fucking cares, and it scares me that I don’t think I do either.
I’m so tired of everything. I’m bullied almost everyday because I’m ugly or too skinny or because i never do anything right. I’m worthless, I’m not good enough for anybody, I never was and I never will be. None of my friends act like they even care, half of my family doesn’t act like they care either. Everything I do is wrong, no matter if I try my best it’s still not good enough. I’m just a waste of space here. I think this week may be my last week. I just can’t do this anymore.
Philosophically, I’m lower than the lowest low. My mind isn’t here anymore, I’m the most dangerous human being alive because even I don’t know what I’m going to do next. Every constructive, fruitful, positive outlook on life I have is crushed underneath the weight, the sheer gravity of our waking reality. This moment, is all there is. Time is meaningless, as is mathematics. These are nothing more than arbitrary measurements we use to quantify absolutely nothing, fleeting happiness in incoherent vortex of human brutality. Yeah, yeah get a goal, get motivated, work hard, work until your hands and calloused and bleeding, that’s the real treat, that’s the payoff.. Optimistic or Pessimistic, doesn’t. fucking. matter. None of it adds up, we’re screaming apes who can’t handle being called screaming apes. Anything you leave behind will erode, if great mountains are whittled down by wind, you and all you have done shall be obliterated, and forgotten too. Space has no thoughts, no feelings, no warmth or love, no meaning. Turning the Earth into a piss stained ant-hill, when the Earth kills us with natural disasters we have no right to protest or complain, we’re in debt. This species is in debt beyond any capability to atone by practical means, no, not judeo-christian fairy tales simply the nature of the beast, of humanity. Everything doesn’t have to have meaning, get off that power trip. But looking at that truth with cold, objective, dead-eyes only has so many outcomes. If nobody is accountable for anything regardless of being perceived as good or bad, or ever was, then mass shootings and crushing infant skulls are eating cotton candy, there’s no difference. What I perceive isn’t what’s out there, it’s just what I perceive. None of our views will ever be reality, not even scientists with accurate instruments. It’s already been proven those instruments only hold true for where in space-time it’s being used. Light behaves as a wave on occasion and a particle on others. She gave me love, I didn’t care. At their best humans are not cracked up to be anything of tangible importance.
Then just be happy right? You might as well be happy about it right? People who say things like that are viciously cruel, they mean well but they’re really doing no true good, spreading awareness of an existential fallacy. The human condition is byzantine, an unsolvable maze. If I could, I fucking would turn on my happy switch and leave it on. But in actuality non-depressed people get happiness from slow coming, hard earned activities that often fail to get you over the hump. Friends? Got those, but as are normal people, even they take raw energy to be with, energy I usually do. not. have. My tiredness is of the mind, not the body. No rest can make you love to get disappointed by the average human being walking around, probability sees you being annoyed at best irritated at worst by them.
He with the most toys when he dies, WINS. Modern culture, eastern western everywhere (2% exceptions) is SOILED in consumer object fetishism. Being enslaved by debt, overextending your mind. body. and soul to obtain a German automobile and a big house, with children of course, oh ha ha you need those. Preparing for your death scene where they’re all huddled around you waiting for your final impart of “Wisdom” Rubbish, Nonsense. Nobody knows a single goddamn bit concerning consciousness, detailing existence. Any person who says they’re enlightened is likely a cult leader abusing underage girls (do your homework). Saying you understand New York city because you have the telephone directory, foolish. You will serve, serve SERVE an institution, pour the best years of your life into a dehumanizing business at a bullshit job, the portion of your life seeking qualification for said bullshit job is a given, it’s fitting to not go into that bit considering how overlooked it truly is.
A lot of times being intelligent is a curse, you see the complete idiocy of human behavior, interaction day by day month by month year by year. Internally I’m always shouting BULLSHIT, IGNORANT, self-important, self righteous ANTS trying feebly to force their reality tunnel onto you, their coping mechanisms for the absurd believing without fail that they’re 100% infallible. Doubt, doubt everything. It’s all you have left.
Scatterbrained, but not one misguided point. Let it ride.
2 years ago I took the medication propecia for 9 days. My life has never been the same. These last two years my life has been a living hell. I have so many problems now. I am impotent, fat, severely depressed, fatigue, muscle loss, brainfog, dry skin, weakness. Also my face looks aged now 10 yrs! I try to get on zoloft but the sexual sides are unbearable. My body barely tolerates psychiatric medicine now. I feel trapped. I really dont want life to be over because im only 25 yrs old. But im getting worse not better. And there are hundreds of other men with the same condition. None of which have gotten better! I regret taking this drug because it ended my life and my health. I am barely alive today. I want to die every night. Sleeping is my only joy!
Still angry at myself for going back on my promise of no water. I’m going to probably what’s seemingly rambling but I need to get things off my chest. I got a message asking me about medications. I’ve been doing medications since I was in my early teens and NONE of them have helped they just leave me walking around like a zombie. Its amazing how many people can use the word “unstable” towards someone and not realize how much that word can hurt. Truthfully, YOU never knew of my bi-polar disorder, why? because I”M FUCKING ASHAMED of it. Then people use that word that only helps throw us in a downward spiral making us feel like we aren’t worth dog shit. I’m sure probably the MAJORITY of those people on here will know exactly what I am saying and understand because lets face it society doesn’t want to ACKNOWLEDGE we exist. They would rather make us be ashamed and fearful to talk about it. Why go to a Doctor that’s only going to put you on medicines that DON’T work and sits there “listening” to your problems but doesn’t know how it feels to be me. He can’t no matter how much he tries, plain and simple.. sighs. I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to do at this point but I’ trying to find something to occupy myself right now so I won’t feel the hurt or anger right now.
I wish someone, something would kill me immediately.
Alas, no one cares enough to do that. Â It is nice that no one cares to pretend, but that would be the clincher. Â If no one will let you escape pain, they’d rather have you suffer for their own sake, they don’t truly care. Â They cannot truly care.
I don’t want to hear about plans or whatever God has to say. Â None of it matters in the slightest.
Here I lay
On the floor.
Here I stay
Within a door.
Here I lie
In the silence.
Here I die
In the darkness.
Here I scream
My voice piercing.
Here I dream
My mind wandering.
Here I talk
Nothing to say.
Here I walk
Nowhere to go.
Here I call
None will listen.
Here I fall
None will hear.
If you cut you get tagged as an emo. If you burn you get tagged as a hero. We want to die but do not want to harm others. We are sad, angry at our own lives for we feel useless and empty. Even so, learn what I have learnt: Life is what YOU make of it, not what others expect you to make of it. You lack motivation? Then take a break and look for it. You failed a semester or two? That’s fine, retake them. You yourself cause yourself NO stress, it is those around us who pressure us into thinking that what we have or haven’t done is the end of the world. I hate my fucking life, but I like a small slice of it, therefore I will live, in poverty or in wealth, in sickness or in health. Just for that slice, that tiny, puny , slice.